Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
Wow...you need to love this man from afar....what are you waiting on? And were you always overweight since you met him? If yes, that's kind of your answer right there. You are changing and leaving him behind. His insecurities are coming out.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Other than the kids and weight what other things make you pause and question or raise and eyebrow?
His trying to control my every move. His getting mad if I take "too long" running errands - even if the kids are with me and can verify my every move. His NEVER trusting me. Never believing me. I swear he'd believe anyone over me.
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courtneyfabulous wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."
**YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?
I've told him exactly that - that I'm doing it for ME. And I've told him that he has trust issues and that he is too controlling. We've been together 10 years [married 6] and only recently has this become as big an issue as it is.
He acts like I'm nuts when I say that he's being controlling. It's just so... ughhh.
I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now.
I actually said exactly that to him. He fully denies it when I do say it. But yeah, he will go "to the store" at night and then come home with nothing (after having been gone a few hours) and say he looked at 2 or 3 stores, and just didn't find anything he wanted to buy.
I have to give him the benefit of the doubt or I'd go crazy. If I find out anything ever happened for sure, I'd be gone in a minute, no question.1 -
Is he going to change?
If no, is this the way you want to continue living your life?
Is your life better off with or without him?
If you find it hard to make these decisions for yourself, I would make them for my children.
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
Wow...you need to love this man from afar....what are you waiting on? And were you always overweight since you met him? If yes, that's kind of your answer right there. You are changing and leaving him behind. His insecurities are coming out.
I started out in the 160 range when we first met - got up to the 170s after our first baby (my third), then stayed there for a while, got down to about 150 a few years ago (sometimes he looks at pictures from then and says "I want THAT girl back").. then with this fourth (and last) pregnancy I BALLOONED up to 240+ during pregnancy and was 210 in December at 6wk pp. I'm down to 170-ish now and trying to get to 145 or less.0 -
"I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now."
This was the first thing I thought of as well. His heightened concern about your behaviors likely mirror his worries about what he doesn't want you to see.2 -
I haven't read the previous responses, but my thoughts on the original post are this:
Your own opinion is the only one that matters.2 -
PennWalker wrote: »Is he going to change?
If no, is this the way you want to continue living your life?
Is your life better off with or without him?
If you find it hard to make these decisions for yourself, I would make them for my children.
He says he is going to change - and so far he [more or less] has shown at least some effort.
As far as the long run goes, who knows? Right? Only time will tell.
If he is not ever going to change, that is the question I've been asking myself A LOT lately. I have told him (and I mean it) that I CAN NOT and WILL NOT continue living like that/this. I absolutely WON'T. That's usually when he cues the 'playing the victim' card and all of a sudden everything is all my fault again.
I want to say my life is better with him, but that is something I've been questioning lately.
I've thought of making my decisions based on the kids - but he's the one home with them all day, playing sports with them all day, being the fun dad - and they would HATE me.1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
This guy is not working. Working is very important to men. He has low self-esteem. You get to go out to work, mingle with people, socially, and now you want to hang out with your friends during time you should be hanging with him. So, now, he feels even more unloved, no matter what you say. Action speak louder than words. Methinks you protest too much. Start spending time with him, without the kids. You can make walking a thing you both do to have better health, both physically and for the state of your marriage. Endorphins from exercise can help you both feel upbeat and positive about life and your marriage.3 -
sarahthecamper wrote: »"I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now."
This was the first thing I thought of as well. His heightened concern about your behaviors likely mirror his worries about what he doesn't want you to see.
I've said that to him. I said "I have NEVER cheated on you or given you any reason to ever think I would or have. OBVIOUSLY you're doing something and shifting the guilt/blame to me." He denies, denies, denies.1 -
I haven't read all 4 pages but I'm going to suggest marriage counseling, and probably individual counseling for each of you. He needs to get at the bottom of his control/insecurity issues.1
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kshama2001 wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.
But she shouldn't have to do that. She should be able to lose weight without it being a big deal. If he's as fit as she says he is, he knows what is a healthy weight and what isn't. He should be able to accept that his wife wants to be as healthy as she can for herself, him, and their children.
Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals.
But the problem here is that he's gaslighting her. Threatening to blame her for the demise of their relationship to the kids, making everything her fault and accepting no responsibility. He's abusive and controlling.
I personally feel like OP needs to get counseling and maybe even get it for the kids as well. Divorce is hard on kids, but it's not the end of the world. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I still have a great relationship with both of them. I love them both dearly, and the divorce did not destroy my life. OP, your kids will be fine as long as you give them love and support.3 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
This guy is not working. Working is very important to men. He has low self-esteem. You get to go out to work, mingle with people, socially, and now you want to hang out with your friends during time you should be hanging with him. So, now, he feels even more unloved, no matter what you say. Action speak louder than words. Methinks you protest too much. Start spending time with him, without the kids. You can make walking a thing you both do to have better health, both physically and for the state of your marriage. Endorphins from exercise can help you both feel upbeat and positive about life and your marriage.
Thank you for the advice and for your opinion.
I've told him that maybe a part time job - or even just a hobby (golf league? something?) would get him out of the house and making his own friends - which I sincerely believe he needs. When I say something about him working, he gets defensive. When I say something about a hobby, he says we can't afford it. (We probably really can't. Family of 6 on a 30k/yr income.)
If he would work, I would gladly stay home with the kids. I don't go to work to socialize, I go to work to provide for my family. I don't think spending one night every six months with friends is too much to ask.
I ask him all the time to schedule in a kid free date night and he refuses. Says the kids are too young, he doesn't trust anyone with the babies. Etc. Then he leaves and spends hours at "the store" by himself at least once a week - and usually late at night.
I've asked him multiple times if we can work out together - he says no. It would be too frustrating. 2 -
I have only purely anecdotal experience to share here. A close friend of mine lost 100+ lbs and had a spouse very similar to what you described. Her appearance, actions, activities were all about and focused on him--and he would get very upset if it was otherwise.
She continued to lose weight, which in turn, helped her address many of her feelings about food and other things in life. She realized that as she used food less and less to sooth herself, she was able to see clearly other issues in her life that she now felt she had the self worth to address. She realized that his remarks were about his needs to control rather than her needs to improve her health and self worth.
Within two years of the weight coming off, she divorced him (they had one child together). Her physical transformation and the ability to control her own life choices (including food and her health), made her relationship no longer possible--because what he wanted was someone he could have complete control and influence over. Since she was now able to make her own choices, she didn't NEED him any more.
So she left.
Fortunately, their child has a good relationship with both parents and the controlling nature of my friend's ex hasn't seemed to be projected on their daughter.
Maybe that is the outcome that will be best for you (leaving your spouse). Since he seems to be unwilling to consider counseling, ultimately you will have to make a choice if it is best for you to stay married to him.
Also know that if you ever feel unsafe or feel as though your husband poses a physical threat to you or your children that there are ways to get out to ensure yours and their safety.
I wish you the best with whatever you decide.1 -
kshama2001 wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.
But she shouldn't have to do that. She should be able to lose weight without it being a big deal. If he's as fit as she says he is, he knows what is a healthy weight and what isn't. He should be able to accept that his wife wants to be as healthy as she can for herself, him, and their children.
Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals.
But the problem here is that he's gaslighting her. Threatening to blame her for the demise of their relationship to the kids, making everything her fault and accepting no responsibility. He's abusive and controlling.
I personally feel like OP needs to get counseling and maybe even get it for the kids as well. Divorce is hard on kids, but it's not the end of the world. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I still have a great relationship with both of them. I love them both dearly, and the divorce did not destroy my life. OP, your kids will be fine as long as you give them love and support.
Thank you. I agree that I shouldn't 'have to' get permission or medical clearance to be "allowed" to lose weight.
"Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals. "
That is his MAIN complaint about me. That I've changed. That I'm not the 'same person he married'. I try to explain to him that as people get older, their attitudes and perception of things changes too. Such is the way of life. He doesn't understand that.
Thanks for the advice! :flowerforyou:0 -
I'd be spending all day every day planning my exit strategy, and one day I'd just be out of there.7
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fitoverfortymom wrote: »I have only purely anecdotal experience to share here. A close friend of mine lost 100+ lbs and had a spouse very similar to what you described. Her appearance, actions, activities were all about and focused on him--and he would get very upset if it was otherwise.
She continued to lose weight, which in turn, helped her address many of her feelings about food and other things in life. She realized that as she used food less and less to sooth herself, she was able to see clearly other issues in her life that she now felt she had the self worth to address. She realized that his remarks were about his needs to control rather than her needs to improve her health and self worth.
Within two years of the weight coming off, she divorced him (they had one child together). Her physical transformation and the ability to control her own life choices (including food and her health), made her relationship no longer possible--because what he wanted was someone he could have complete control and influence over. Since she was now able to make her own choices, she didn't NEED him any more.
So she left.
Fortunately, their child has a good relationship with both parents and the controlling nature of my friend's ex hasn't seemed to be projected on their daughter.
Maybe that is the outcome that will be best for you (leaving your spouse). Since he seems to be unwilling to consider counseling, ultimately you will have to make a choice if it is best for you to stay married to him.
Also know that if you ever feel unsafe or feel as though your husband poses a physical threat to you or your children that there are ways to get out to ensure yours and their safety.
I wish you the best with whatever you decide.
Thank you so much. Your words are both insightful and heartfelt. I appreciate the advice and kind words.
I'm very much at that point now. Trying to decide which way to go at the cross roads and how to proceed...0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.
But she shouldn't have to do that. She should be able to lose weight without it being a big deal. If he's as fit as she says he is, he knows what is a healthy weight and what isn't. He should be able to accept that his wife wants to be as healthy as she can for herself, him, and their children.
Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals.
But the problem here is that he's gaslighting her. Threatening to blame her for the demise of their relationship to the kids, making everything her fault and accepting no responsibility. He's abusive and controlling.
I personally feel like OP needs to get counseling and maybe even get it for the kids as well. Divorce is hard on kids, but it's not the end of the world. My parents got divorced when I was in elementary school and I still have a great relationship with both of them. I love them both dearly, and the divorce did not destroy my life. OP, your kids will be fine as long as you give them love and support.
Thank you. I agree that I shouldn't 'have to' get permission or medical clearance to be "allowed" to lose weight.
"Their relationship isn't healthy. If someone has to have authority to get permission to do something that's a problem. Especially, since that's not the type of relationship they established from the beginning. I get that some people have different rules for relationships. And I am completely cool with that as long as those rules have been established and agreed upon. Also, even if those rules were set early on, people change and grow, and relationships have to be able to do the same to keep them healthy and working for both individuals. "
That is his MAIN complaint about me. That I've changed. That I'm not the 'same person he married'. I try to explain to him that as people get older, their attitudes and perception of things changes too. Such is the way of life. He doesn't understand that.
Thanks for the advice! :flowerforyou:
There are a lot of red flags, I'm sorry to say. Maybe one night when he goes out to the store, follow him? Or ask a friend to follow him for you?
This is a really tough situation, especially with kids, but living in a dysfunctional family will also be really bad for the kids if your husband's controlling issues continues. They may not fully understand what's going on, but kids are smart enough to see that there's something wrong. Divorce may be the best option if it may need to come to that.2 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
He's telling you you're perfect in his eyes ... and that no one elses opinion should matter. He's not disregarding your opinion about yourself, more so trying to change your opinion of yourself into a positive one.
Sounds like you misunderstood the other thing he was saying because it makes no sense to me.
Anyways speak to a professional because you guys have communication problems, here's an example, you're asking people on the internet with 0 education and insight into your relationship for relationship advice...
[edited by MFP Mods]0 -
He's also teaching then how to abuse other people. They are absorbing what they see and hear like sponges and learning that is normal behavior --which it isn't.
I heard this years ago and think it is wise: the main job of a parent is to teach our children to grow up and live a good life on their own. It also sometimes might mean being willing to suffer short term for their better longterm future.
I lived life with an abusive parent who undermined my self confidence, made me doubt myself and think things were my fault when they weren't. It has taken me a lifetime to get to a place where I insist on respect in all my relationships, personal and professional. Respect and self confidence are worth everything.
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