Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
Replies
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You're in a tough, tough situation. Obviously you are happily married but just need a few tweaks to the level of understanding.
Make It Medical!!!
What does that mean, go to a DR of ostepathic medicine, a bone healthdoctor, and explain your family history---that Mom or Dad needed a knee replacement and how do you defeat genetics. That Dr will concede that loosing weight may help you avoid excruciating knee pain and/or possbly a surgery on your knee(s).
The first step(according to your Dr) is to get to a weight that is in/near the BMI for your body.
Your DH then understands that for health and medical reasons you must drop weight, your knees can not take the weight you are currently carrying.
(didn't read every response, sorry if you were given this suggestion above)1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.
Why have to lie though? Again, I see where we are dismissing our own needs to make someone else feel good.
You should be able to say something like
"Honey, I love you and I understand your concerns. But this is something I thought long and hard on and I am going to lose weight for me... And I need you to trust me and I need your support." Be firm in your convictions.... "I want to assure you that I am in this marriage for the long haul, and this is one of the steps I am taking towards that goal".
Him: "I don't agree and I am the one that have to look at you everyday and I like you the way you are!"
You: "I appreciate you like me the way that I am, but "I" don't like the way that I look and that's why "I" am doing this for me!
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kshama2001 wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
Eh, I'm in a power exchange relationship and it's his job to be the social director and fashion consultant. So I see nothing wrong with this per se.
However, he certainly does sound emotionally abusive as described in the later posts.
What is a power exchange relationship? I've never heard of that.
But yes - I tell him that the way he has been as of late is emotionally/mentally abusive and wrong and unhealthy and he talks me out of thinking that just as quickly as I thought it.0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.3 -
PennWalker wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »PennWalker wrote: »I'm a 5'4" woman and started at 177, close to your weight. You are almost obese and unhealthy. Your intent to lose weight is absolutely right for your health and overall well being. He's dead wrong and sounds like he has some big control/boundary/respect problems. My sincere best wishes to you in dealing with this problem -- which is really his problem.
Yes - I just recently crossed over from obese to overweight. I just want to be comfortable with myself. Not to impress anyone (even him!) - just to be comfortable with myself and for myself.
There's a good book you might read or even skim called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens. It's a paperback and not expensive. Your library might even have it. It's written basically for relationships between men and women, but I read it years ago because I had a verbally abusive mother and the book helped me to understand her and my own reactions -- how I was falling into traps. It talks about common verbal abuse, attempts to control and undermine, how we react and how to have better reactions, and why verbal abusers do what they do. I highly recommend it for anybody with this problem. Again, good luck.
Thank you - I will definitely check that out!1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.
That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
He manipulates you to get what he wants. He knows how to do it well. He deflects things off of him and make them your fault. If he knew we were talking to you, you wouldn't have MFP. Trust your gut.6 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.
Why have to lie though? Again, I see where we are dismissing our own needs to make someone else feel good.
You should be able to say something like
"Honey, I love you and I understand your concerns. But this is something I thought long and hard on and I am going to lose weight for me... And I need you to trust me and I need your support." Be firm in your convictions.... "I want to assure you that I am in this marriage for the long haul, and this is one of the steps I am taking towards that goal".
Him: "I don't agree and I am the one that have to look at you everyday and I like you the way you are!"
You: "I appreciate you like me the way that I am, but "I" don't like the way that I look and that's why "I" am doing this for me!
I can say that until I'm blue in the face, he likely won't believe me. Ever. Regardless of what I say or do.
I have been in and out of the doctors lately anyway and was found to have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Telling him that I need to lose weight for medical reasons isn't really a lie I don't think.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.
That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
He manipulates you to get what he wants. He knows how to do it well. He deflects things off of him and make them your fault. If he knew we were talking to you, you wouldn't have MFP. Trust your gut.
You are correct. He made me get rid of twitter and instagram because "guys liked my pages" etc etc... he has been on my MFP and chastised me for posting a progress report in the success stories... Hence the 'throw away' account. He would go ballistic. 0 -
codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
While we were going through the worst of it, I told him repeatedly that it was emotional/mental abuse and it was unhealthy. He made me feel like I was nuts. He can switch to what I call "playing the victim" so quickly and then says things that make me feel bad and he gets me everytime.
This is called gaslighting and is a form of abuse.
I know that you mentioned kids and while he may be great with them by staying in that kind of environment teaches them that that is how they are supposed to be treated or how to treat their s/o in the future.
I think that counseling for yourself is a great idea. Good luck OP, I hope that you are able to get things resolved before they get worse. *hugs*9 -
This is called gaslighting and is a form of abuse.
I know that you mentioned kids and while he may be great with them by staying in that kind of environment teaches them that that is how they are supposed to be treated or how to treat their s/o in the future.
I think that counseling for yourself is a great idea. Good luck OP, I hope that you are able to get things resolved before they get worse. *hugs*
I've never heard of gaslighting. I will have to look it up.
Thanks for the advice, thoughts and hugs - they're appreciated. :flowerforyou:0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
I'm sure there's gotta be some sort of way around the PTO, like a leave of absence or FMLA that you can use temporarily. There are many ways women in your situation can get support during these times of transition. And you can get with your kids' teachers to get course work while they're out so they don't fall behind.
This is when you need to ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth the financial struggle to protect my children? Is it worth the uncertainty to show my children how to be courageous and stand up for themselves? Which is worse, having to ask for financial help or letting your children believe that this relationship is ok/normal?
Feel free to PM me if you need support or have questions.4 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
I know you have kids, but that is no way to treat your own wife. This might sound hard to do, but I think you'll need to go aggressive. Not throw things at him, but make sure he hears you loud and clear that you want to go to counselling. If he doesn't want to go, drag him. Or go by yourself.
He does NOT control you, even if he says no, he can't do anything about it unless he locks you in a room. If it comes to that, call the police, that would mean the relationship has turned seriously abusive.2 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.
Why have to lie though? Again, I see where we are dismissing our own needs to make someone else feel good.
You should be able to say something like
"Honey, I love you and I understand your concerns. But this is something I thought long and hard on and I am going to lose weight for me... And I need you to trust me and I need your support." Be firm in your convictions.... "I want to assure you that I am in this marriage for the long haul, and this is one of the steps I am taking towards that goal".
Him: "I don't agree and I am the one that have to look at you everyday and I like you the way you are!"
You: "I appreciate you like me the way that I am, but "I" don't like the way that I look and that's why "I" am doing this for me!
I can say that until I'm blue in the face, he likely won't believe me. Ever. Regardless of what I say or do.
I have been in and out of the doctors lately anyway and was found to have a severe vitamin D deficiency. Telling him that I need to lose weight for medical reasons isn't really a lie I don't think.
Don't lie. Go to the doctor and do actually discuss your goal weight with him/her.
Also discuss your husband's behavior and get a referral for counseling for you.
If you do try to get counseling for the both of you, which would be more useful, I suggest a male counselor.2 -
What a tough spot. There are SO many red flags about this man. He can be wonderful in 1,000 ways but if he doesn't trust you, or treat you well, or let you be your own person and make your own decisions, this is not a good relationship. ("Let" is not a part of any good relationship.) He's not going to change until or unless he really wants to, and it doesn't sound as if he's open to that. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If you feel you need to find a way out, keep going. You can do it. I know this is harsh, but you're never going to be YOU until he no longer has this hold over you and your kids. Best of luck.
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From what I'm reading here, and I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting it, but I'm seeing a hugely controlling relationship that I would consider abuse. Having been in a verbally/sexually abusive relationship (that I didn't see as abusive until after I got out...apparently the only thing I wouldn't tolerate was being hit, even if it wasn't major) it is very hard to see this for what it is while within the situation, and it takes a little space to see what's really going on. You've also mentioned that you have kids, and even if he's not acting abusive towards them I'm very concerned for what they're seeing. In this sort of situation boys see and can learn that it's ok and normal to treat women this way, and girls learn that it's normal and ok to be treated like this. Even if he's saying things like "they'll be old enough for me to tell them it's your fault", it's also true that they'll eventually be old enough to understand why you did what you did to get yourself and them out. I can't force you to leave, but in this case I would tell you it's a more than valid option. At the very least look into counselling for yourself, because this isn't normal and it isn't healthy and you deserve so much more than this
Just keep going, look into your options and remember that you are worth way more than he's telling you that you are. You can do this, you can get through, and the other end of the tunnel is a beautiful place 6 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
Eh, I'm in a power exchange relationship and it's his job to be the social director and fashion consultant. So I see nothing wrong with this per se.
However, he certainly does sound emotionally abusive as described in the later posts.
What is a power exchange relationship? I've never heard of that.
But yes - I tell him that the way he has been as of late is emotionally/mentally abusive and wrong and unhealthy and he talks me out of thinking that just as quickly as I thought it.
I found some great links but they were all NSFW (not safe for work) and I do not enjoy being mod-spanked
But basically, we are kinky; in a Dominant/submissive or D/s relationship.
There are lots of variations of power exchange relationships, some look very similar to the 'traditional' marriage.
Head of Household (HOH)
Much like the 'traditional' marriage, this is a relationship that exists in many vanilla households (think of the phrase "who wears the trousers"). It is listed on this site because a HOH relationship is consciously consensual, where many vanilla situations just evolved or are imposed by one partner on the other.
Taken In Hand (TIH)
More narrowly-focused than most types, TIH is based on a male-led, heterosexual, monogamous relationship allowing for consensual non-consent from the woman. (for additional information, click here)3 -
Other than the kids and weight what other things make you pause and question or raise an eyebrow?1
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."
**YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?
I've told him exactly that - that I'm doing it for ME. And I've told him that he has trust issues and that he is too controlling. We've been together 10 years [married 6] and only recently has this become as big an issue as it is.
He acts like I'm nuts when I say that he's being controlling. It's just so... ughhh.
I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now.6 -
Be very careful this is an unhealthy relationship right now. You really should seek outside counsel even if he doesn't want to he should do it for his own good and the health of the marriage if he wants it to continue.1
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
Wow...you need to love this man from afar....what are you waiting on? And were you always overweight since you met him? If yes, that's kind of your answer right there. You are changing and leaving him behind. His insecurities are coming out.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »Other than the kids and weight what other things make you pause and question or raise and eyebrow?
His trying to control my every move. His getting mad if I take "too long" running errands - even if the kids are with me and can verify my every move. His NEVER trusting me. Never believing me. I swear he'd believe anyone over me.
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courtneyfabulous wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »An example. At times, my husband will say to me as I am getting ready to go out to dinner or something with him, "Honey, I think you look great You don't need to put on makeup/wear special clothes/jewelery." I always, always reply, "Okay, but I'm not getting dressed up for YOU, I'm doing it for ME, because **I** like to feel & look good."
**YOU** are the one who needs to be happy with your body and your appearance, for **YOU**. It sounds like your husband may have some self-esteem/trust issues going on. What do you think?
I've told him exactly that - that I'm doing it for ME. And I've told him that he has trust issues and that he is too controlling. We've been together 10 years [married 6] and only recently has this become as big an issue as it is.
He acts like I'm nuts when I say that he's being controlling. It's just so... ughhh.
I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now.
I actually said exactly that to him. He fully denies it when I do say it. But yeah, he will go "to the store" at night and then come home with nothing (after having been gone a few hours) and say he looked at 2 or 3 stores, and just didn't find anything he wanted to buy.
I have to give him the benefit of the doubt or I'd go crazy. If I find out anything ever happened for sure, I'd be gone in a minute, no question.1 -
Is he going to change?
If no, is this the way you want to continue living your life?
Is your life better off with or without him?
If you find it hard to make these decisions for yourself, I would make them for my children.
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mysteps2beauty wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
Wow...you need to love this man from afar....what are you waiting on? And were you always overweight since you met him? If yes, that's kind of your answer right there. You are changing and leaving him behind. His insecurities are coming out.
I started out in the 160 range when we first met - got up to the 170s after our first baby (my third), then stayed there for a while, got down to about 150 a few years ago (sometimes he looks at pictures from then and says "I want THAT girl back").. then with this fourth (and last) pregnancy I BALLOONED up to 240+ during pregnancy and was 210 in December at 6wk pp. I'm down to 170-ish now and trying to get to 145 or less.0 -
"I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now."
This was the first thing I thought of as well. His heightened concern about your behaviors likely mirror his worries about what he doesn't want you to see.2 -
I haven't read the previous responses, but my thoughts on the original post are this:
Your own opinion is the only one that matters.2 -
PennWalker wrote: »Is he going to change?
If no, is this the way you want to continue living your life?
Is your life better off with or without him?
If you find it hard to make these decisions for yourself, I would make them for my children.
He says he is going to change - and so far he [more or less] has shown at least some effort.
As far as the long run goes, who knows? Right? Only time will tell.
If he is not ever going to change, that is the question I've been asking myself A LOT lately. I have told him (and I mean it) that I CAN NOT and WILL NOT continue living like that/this. I absolutely WON'T. That's usually when he cues the 'playing the victim' card and all of a sudden everything is all my fault again.
I want to say my life is better with him, but that is something I've been questioning lately.
I've thought of making my decisions based on the kids - but he's the one home with them all day, playing sports with them all day, being the fun dad - and they would HATE me.1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.
For what it's worth - what worked for my family is us leaving. My mom had a friend pick us up from home/school then my mom took us to grandma's (which was in another state and 6 hours away). They talked over the phone for a week, and finally one day he stopped answering the phone. We went home and found a letter saying that he didn't think he needed to change so he was leaving.
Maybe getting yourself physically out of there, and into a place of support (with family or friends) you can lean on that support to remind you that you're making the right choice.
I can see how that would work - and while I agree, it's not feasible for me or our family. I am the sole working parent in the home, he's the stay-at-home parent. I have no more available PTO/Vacation time for the rest of the year. The kids are in school. I can't pull them out of school and ditch work. If I did, we wouldn't be able to pay the bills and we'd likely lose our home. I can't risk that.
I've asked him to leave. To take some time to get his priorities straight - he won't do it. Makes me out to be a bad guy for even suggesting it.
This guy is not working. Working is very important to men. He has low self-esteem. You get to go out to work, mingle with people, socially, and now you want to hang out with your friends during time you should be hanging with him. So, now, he feels even more unloved, no matter what you say. Action speak louder than words. Methinks you protest too much. Start spending time with him, without the kids. You can make walking a thing you both do to have better health, both physically and for the state of your marriage. Endorphins from exercise can help you both feel upbeat and positive about life and your marriage.3 -
sarahthecamper wrote: »"I hate to tell you this but statistically when a partner is unnecessarily jealous and suggests or suspects that you may be cheating it is very likely it is because they themselves are cheating. Especially if the behavior is new or recently increased. You may want to be extra aware of HIS whereabouts and behavior right now."
This was the first thing I thought of as well. His heightened concern about your behaviors likely mirror his worries about what he doesn't want you to see.
I've said that to him. I said "I have NEVER cheated on you or given you any reason to ever think I would or have. OBVIOUSLY you're doing something and shifting the guilt/blame to me." He denies, denies, denies.1
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