Advice Needed - Marital Issues and Weight Loss
Replies
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OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.5 -
codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I know a few men that think like this and it is just wrong! I debate this all the time. Some men, NOT ALL MEN, but some believe when you are married they have the last word. I think it has a lot to do with authority, control and ego (insecurities).
I have a friend that said her husband doesn't like her in a size less than a 10 and she stays around that size 10 mark. I personally think that you should wake up and be proud of yourself and like who you see in the mirror!
Thank you! That's what I mean. I don't want to "look good for someone else", I want to look good for ME. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes (and in my own skin!).
Let me ask you this, if the tables were turned, and you said the same exact thing to him, would he stop losing weight?2 -
so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.1
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OK reading all your responses, I'm gonna say your weight isn't the issue here. Are you ever afraid of your husband? Hoping this answer is no, but control issues are often linked to insecurity, and with abuse. And reading all you wrote, I wonder if he seeks to keep you fat because he fears you looking more conventionally attractive.
If you have no reason to fear, just do you. He doesn't have to sanction your weight loss. Get your body into the shape you prefer. Tell him sure, you do want to look better for him, but mostly for you, and you want to be healthy, does he not want you healthy?
If you do fear him, that's not good.
If I am perfectly 100% honest, there are times when I am afraid of him. He hasn't physically hurt me, but he has looked like he wanted to or was going to.
[This is precisely why I am using a 'throw away' account - as he does have free/open access to all of my accounts.]
I've told him that being afraid of your husband isn't EVER normal. Even if it is only once or twice and only recently. I tell him that is NOT okay and I won't deal with it. I threatened divorce over all of this. He swore it would change and promised to do better and [for the most part] it's slowly been getting better. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before it breaks back down though.
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If what you are putting out there is right, whoa this sounds like a case of unhealthy boundaries. He's making your health issues about HIM. It's ok (and desireable) to say, "I love you no matter your weight." And completely different to say that only his opinion should matter.
But, to be fair, maybe you are mis-understanding him. It happens when there is problems in a relationship. I can speak to this, as my hubby & I have gone through this.
Yes, get marital therapy. There are some deeper issues here that need to be addressed.4 -
I have to agree with others, I'd say your husband is controlling..way too controlling. Get healthy for you . Go to counseling for you, you don't have to include him.3
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Let me ask you this, if the tables were turned, and you said the same exact thing to him, would he stop losing weight?
I honestly doubt it. He's the one that does what he wants without my having to keep tabs on him - that's not my thing. Ya know? I love him, but I also understand that he is his own person. I guess what I'm saying is - I would never say that to him...0 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!
I've seen this before.... My ex husband was like this. This may sound weird but he would say things like he's only friends with ugly people because he wants to be the best looking out of all of his friends. While I was losing weight in the relationship, he would turn on porn and say that if I only lost a little more weight, that I would be sexy. he even pointed out other women to me and told me that they were better looking than me.
As soon as I got to my goal weight though, he became extremely controlling. He always thought that if I dressed up nicely that it was for someone else. I couldnt leave the house to go to the library without being questioned. Once I liberated myself from his verbal control though things got worse.....He broke my nose- the dr said that if he had hit me once more I could have died.
I tell you this story to say Please get help, even if only for yourself. Do not accept this, and always trust your intuition. you are spot on.22 -
jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
I try to keep him out of the loop about my weight unless he asks. I could say the Dr says I need to get down below 145 or whatever - to get to a healthy weight. I never thought of that.1 -
When a man tells you that if he thinks you look fine the way you are and should only lose weight for him, he is screaming insecurity. (happily married 30 years)1
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.4 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »rainbowbow wrote: »I would say he sounds controlling and deluded.
You ARE overweight for your height (your BMI is 29.9, just a smidge under "obese"). You can hit him with the facts about how living a healthier lifestyle is important to you, your health and longevity, you can mention how your current BMI is evidence that you are at risk of certain chronic illnesses and diseases, etc. There are times when men need solid proof, evidence, facts, thrown at them.
There are also times when your partner should trust your ability to make choices for yourself and honor and respect your decisions. So... not sure what to say about that.
To be perfectly honest from what i've read he sounds emotionally immature and may benefit from some sort of therapy. Couples therapy may help as well.
@nutmegoreo - I have been considering just making an appointment and going by myself.
I would certainly make this a priority if he won't go with you.
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kenyonhaff wrote: »If what you are putting out there is right, whoa this sounds like a case of unhealthy boundaries. He's making your health issues about HIM. It's ok (and desireable) to say, "I love you no matter your weight." And completely different to say that only his opinion should matter.
But, to be fair, maybe you are mis-understanding him. It happens when there is problems in a relationship. I can speak to this, as my hubby & I have gone through this.
Yes, get marital therapy. There are some deeper issues here that need to be addressed.
What I'm putting out here is honestly not even half of it all. I was trying to keep this only related to the weight loss side of things, but it seems to all be related. When I say that we should be able to have boundaries and still have lives separate from each other AS WELL AS together as husband and wife, and then as a family - he acts like I said something wrong. He says I should never 'want' to do things without him and our family included. Like, what?I have to agree with others, I'd say your husband is controlling..way too controlling. Get healthy for you . Go to counseling for you, you don't have to include him.
I think I may have to do just that. Even though it seems or appears things are getting better - it could just be temporary... It's just not easy to do... or even recognize how bad it truly is... You know what I mean? 0 -
When women get married, they don't hand all their medical and health related decisions over to their husband. Losing weight or changing your diet or exercise habits is a decision about how you are takign care of your own body. It should never be your husband's decision.
I completely agree with this.. this in short was what I tried to explain in my first post..
I do not like to be completely bias when the second person is not here, but basic human needs are still basic human needs.. support from your significant other should never have to be questioned like this..
So, I look like it this way, unless I am completely incapacitated and unable to make my decisions, then my next of kin must make medical/mental decisions for me.. Until that time, god forbid, they are all mine, if you do not like it (no to be harsh) back off.
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It sounds like your gut instinct is on point and you just need to trust yourself to know when things are healthy and when they aren't. Weight loss and self-esteem are very personal and YOU need to be happy and comfortable with where things are at. It's really not about him and sometimes he may need to be reminded of that. A marriage is built on respect and in order to respect each other, we need a foundation of respect for ourselves first. His willingness to communicate with you about his concerns is a good indicator of whether or not the marriage truly is improving. Ask him what concerns him most about you losing weight and getting healthy? Emphasize that you are doing it for your own health and well-being and specifically ask for his support. Even though he doesn't need to lose weight, see if there are aspects that you could do together (exercise) that may strengthen the marriage so it doesn't feel as if you are leaving him behind in your journey. Your instincts will continue to guide you based on his willingness to come around... and if he doesn't, you sound like you know deep down whether this is the right situation to keep yourself in or not.3
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Constant_Nova wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Can I ask what he looks like? I'm just wondering if maybe this is all based on his own insecurities, especially since you say that this has become more of an issue recently.
He's a little over 6', athletic build, handsome. I don't understand why he has issues with insecurity. He's definitely good looking!
I've seen this before.... My ex husband was like this. This may sound weird but he would say things like he's only friends with ugly people because he wants to be the best looking out of all of his friends. While I was losing weight in the relationship, he would turn on porn and say that if I only lost a little more weight, that I would be sexy. he even pointed out other women to me and told me that they were better looking than me.
As soon as I got to my goal weight though, he became extremely controlling. He always thought that if I dressed up nicely that it was for someone else. I couldnt leave the house to go to the library without being questioned. Once I liberated myself from his verbal control though things got worse.....He broke my nose- the dr said that if he had hit me once more I could have died.
I tell you this story to say Please get help, even if only for yourself. Do not accept this, and always trust your intuition. you are spot on.
Thank you. My husband doesn't have many friends - none that he sees or does things with regularly. He's a bit of a shut in. He never says I would look better after losing weight - as he doesn't think I need to lose any at all. He says I look amazing just the way I am.
Thanks for the insight. It is much appreciated. :flowerforyou:0 -
toofatnomore wrote: »When a man tells you that if he thinks you look fine the way you are and should only lose weight for him, he is screaming insecurity. (happily married 30 years)
Thank you!0 -
codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.
That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
The thing is that as he feels you taking back control, he will try harder to maintain it. "They" say that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive marriage is when she tries to leave. I haven't seen the stats, I'm sure they are out there. Additionally, your kids are seeing these behaviours, whether you want to believe that or not. They sense these things and they learn from them. They are learning 1) how to treat you and 2) how to treat their own future significant others. Even if it doesn't become physically abusive, they are still learning these behaviours.13 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Hey everyone. I'm a long time MFPer who needed a 'throw away' account to ask some questions, as I'd like to remain anonymous for some things.
My husband and I (we'll call him... Bob) have been having marital issues lately - not weight or weight loss related. Now that we're mending fences and things are healing and starting to get better - he tells me he doesn't see why I think I need to lose weight. He says that if he thinks I look perfect that should be all that matters to me. (What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter?) He says that I shouldn't want to lose weight for anyone but him and that no one's opinion should matter but his.
It's not like I'm at a healthy weight already, because I'm definitely not.
For reference, I'm 5'4", 170 or so [fluctuating]. My current goal is 145 (which I upped from 135 when he had an issue with my first goal).
What do ya'll think?
I'm a 5'4" woman and started at 177, close to your weight. You are almost obese and unhealthy. Your intent to lose weight is absolutely right for your health and overall well being. He's dead wrong and sounds like he has some big control/boundary/respect problems. My sincere best wishes to you in dealing with this problem -- which is really his problem.
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When women get married, they don't hand all their medical and health related decisions over to their husband. Losing weight or changing your diet or exercise habits is a decision about how you are takign care of your own body. It should never be your husband's decision.
I completely agree with this.. this in short was what I tried to explain in my first post..
I do not like to be completely bias when the second person is not here, but basic human needs are still basic human needs.. support from your significant other should never have to be questioned like this..
So, I look like it this way, unless I am completely incapacitated and unable to make my decisions, then my next of kin must make medical/mental decisions for me.. Until that time, god forbid, they are all mine, if you do not like it (no to be harsh) back off.
@RoxieDawn - thank you. I'm at such a cross roads right now. I'm so torn. It's like when it's bad (it was for many months), I KNOW that I need to just let him go and let it be. But when it's good, it seems like why would I ever doubt us. You know what I mean? I'm just... torn.It sounds like your gut instinct is on point and you just need to trust yourself to know when things are healthy and when they aren't. Weight loss and self-esteem are very personal and YOU need to be happy and comfortable with where things are at. It's really not about him and sometimes he may need to be reminded of that. A marriage is built on respect and in order to respect each other, we need a foundation of respect for ourselves first. His willingness to communicate with you about his concerns is a good indicator of whether or not the marriage truly is improving. Ask him what concerns him most about you losing weight and getting healthy? Emphasize that you are doing it for your own health and well-being and specifically ask for his support. Even though he doesn't need to lose weight, see if there are aspects that you could do together (exercise) that may strengthen the marriage so it doesn't feel as if you are leaving him behind in your journey. Your instincts will continue to guide you based on his willingness to come around... and if he doesn't, you sound like you know deep down whether this is the right situation to keep yourself in or not.
@hpacaro - thank you! I appreciate the way you looked at this. I agree that a relationship/marriage have to be build on respect -and trust. He does NOT trust me, although I have NEVER EVER and would NEVER EVER do anything that would cause him not to trust me. EVER. That's what I've been trying to do is wait it out and see if it truly is getting better or if it's all just an act to 'keep me around' or something. You know? 1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »codename_steve wrote: »This is even further evidence/Red flag of abusive relationship. I beg you to seek professional help. Online forums are the not place to get the kind of help you need for this issue. Especially if you have kids! This is exactly how my father acted, and eventually his abuse turned physical towards us children.
Wow. I never even thought that that could become an issue, honestly. He's an amazing father and step-father. I am just so torn. When things were at their worst, I was in touch with the domestic violence hotline thing, but they weren't all too helpful at all. They just said to leave. How does that fix everything? You know?
It doesn't "fix" anything, but it protects you and your children and if he's unwilling to change then that me be what you have to do. My father also had moments of being a good father, until he lost his temper again. The answer for my family was for my father to leave the picture. 20 years later, he still thinks he was an amazing father and blames my mother for taking us away from him.
That is exactly what he would threaten when I said we were done. He would say "The kids will be old enough one day to tell them that this was all your fault" or "I can't believe you would do this to the kids" and stuff like that. He knows that the kids are my weak point. I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.7 -
codename_steve wrote: »But this may be what is truly hurting them. Yeah, growing up without a father was hard sometimes. But we also got to an age where we were able to realize that she was saving us and it was in no way her fault. This issue is much bigger than just weight loss.
Wow - so much YES in this one post.
I feel like when I finally get to my complete breaking point and I am serious about it being over and done, he does and says just the right things to make me question myself and my decisions and I always give back in. Then I spend time wondering if I did the right or wrong thing. I'm so... exhausted.0 -
PennWalker wrote: »I'm a 5'4" woman and started at 177, close to your weight. You are almost obese and unhealthy. Your intent to lose weight is absolutely right for your health and overall well being. He's dead wrong and sounds like he has some big control/boundary/respect problems. My sincere best wishes to you in dealing with this problem -- which is really his problem.
Yes - I just recently crossed over from obese to overweight. I just want to be comfortable with myself. Not to impress anyone (even him!) - just to be comfortable with myself and for myself.1 -
THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE. I appreciate all of you so much! :flowerforyou:2
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losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »Does he try to be controlling in other areas of your life?
I would say yes. (He would say no.) That's been the major issue we've had as of late.
It's usually subtle. Getting mad if I do my hair without a "good" reason. Getting mad when I say I want [and should be able to] go and do things with friends and/or family...codename_steve wrote: »This is a huge red flag for abusive relationships. I'd suggest getting professional help ASAP! Even if he doesn't go with you.
Eh, I'm in a power exchange relationship and it's his job to be the social director and fashion consultant. So I see nothing wrong with this per se.
However, he certainly does sound emotionally abusive as described in some of the posts above this one.1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »his answer is always "As long as I'm happy with your body, I don't see why you need or want to change it."
@courtneyfabulous & @RoxieDawn - thank you. I've suggested individual and/or marriage counseling - he said "No way. Never going to happen."
I continue on with my weight loss efforts and have lost about 40 lbs since Christmas of 2015. I just don't see why he thinks he needs to be in control of my weight.
This is not meant to be awful.... even though it will sound this way. My 1st husband said that to me ALL of the time about marriage counseling. Clearly, he should have agreed to go with me, as we are now divorced.
And, he doesn't need to be in control of your weight. Be strong and come here for help and encouragement when it gets tough.
Same. 1 -
jvcjcooper wrote: »so don't tell him what you weigh, tell him you are gaining muscle or that the doctor recommends that you lose some for your health. he might just be insecure that when you are all healthy and strong too many folks are going to temp you and he does not want to lose you.
Yes, go to your doctor so you have the Appeal to Authority argument on your side.1 -
losingtheweightandkeepingitoff wrote: »PennWalker wrote: »I'm a 5'4" woman and started at 177, close to your weight. You are almost obese and unhealthy. Your intent to lose weight is absolutely right for your health and overall well being. He's dead wrong and sounds like he has some big control/boundary/respect problems. My sincere best wishes to you in dealing with this problem -- which is really his problem.
Yes - I just recently crossed over from obese to overweight. I just want to be comfortable with myself. Not to impress anyone (even him!) - just to be comfortable with myself and for myself.
There's a good book you might read or even skim called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens. It's a paperback and not expensive. Your library might even have it. It's written basically for relationships between men and women, but I read it years ago because I had a verbally abusive mother and the book helped me to understand her and my own reactions -- how I was falling into traps. It talks about common verbal abuse, attempts to control and undermine, how we react and how to have better reactions, and why verbal abusers do what they do. I highly recommend it for anybody with this problem. Again, good luck.4
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