So you got called fat.

pcastagner

That's exactly right. I grew up in a culture where fat is the compliment and skinny was a huge insult (clearly I didn't grow up here in America lol). However, it would be foolish of the women who have always been proud of their bodies where I grew up to come here and suddenly feel insulted by the same thing they loved to hear in the past. Wouldn't it? Or the skinny here moving there and suddenly hating themselves or however you flip it. The point is, don't let someone else decide whether you should be happy or not about what you are. Some people do it because they know it hurts those they target. The best defense is to not let it hurt. It's easier said that done, I'm sure, but it's good advice.

No, it would not be foolish of them.

If you take any group of humans, then divide them up arbitrarily into attractive and unattractive, with social advantages for the desirable ones and penalties for the undesirable ones, the pain felt by the undesirable group will be real even though the weapon is only an illusion.

There is nothing silly about feeling like **** because you belong to the less desirable group. Not giving a rat's *kitten* because you are strong and rise above is awesome, but not everyone can be strong all the time. I wasn't. So I did what was easier than being strong and changed my body.

LorinaLynn

Edited to add: And while nothing gives them that right, nothing is going to stop mean people from being mean. No matter how much you weigh or what you look like, someone, somewhere will find something negative to say about you.

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

it's not one or the other, and actually, social pressure DOES stop mean people from being mean. When you take some of the social pressure away (for instance when people interact on a forum like this one and can't see the people with whom they are interacting), people get meaner.

I disagree. Mean people will always be mean. Clueless, oblivious and ignorant people might change, but if someone is a hurtful and hateful person, they don't care. They don't care if they hurt you, because they WANT to hurt you.

For instance, I'm friends now with some of the very same people who were mean to me in Junior High. They weren't mean because they were bad people. The majority of them were mean because they were insecure, immature and didn't now any better. When they grew up, when they saw more of the world around them, they stopped being mean.

Which goes back to what I was saying earlier about wanting to know the motivation behind someone being mean. Sometimes, they're just trying to be funny. (IE, my husband's friends call each other fat all the time, and it's all meant in jest) Sometimes, it's their own insecurities, like the kids in junior high. Sometimes, it's being completely oblivious and not thinking before they speak, and/or not knowing that they're hitting a sensitive button. And sometimes, they're just plain toxic people. Those you aren't going to change.

Kinda like on Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray told his Dad that calling someone "a Nancy" was offensive. "Yeah," replied Frank. "That's what makes it a good insult."

danofthedead1979

Here, I just thought of a better example.

Say you have a friend who was describing you to someone else. You overhear them. Let's say they say, "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually." You probably wouldn't be upset at all.

But now let's say their description of you was: "She's tall, dirty blonde hair, sharp facial, white, very pale actually, kind of fat." Suddenly, you're heartbroken. Right? But why? Why is that so insulting? I understand it might be a little hard to hear, but if you realize you actually ARE overweight - could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do.

My point is that in circumstances like this, "fat" is not an insult and we shouldn't give it the power to be one. Being fat does not mean you are lazy, or gross, or any of the other things people like to associate "fat" with. It just means you physically have a lot of fat. I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

Does that make sense?

'could you really get mad at your friend for describing you that way? Apparently so, because I see posts on here every day where people do'

- ok so you've now gone from condescending to downright patronizing about people you dont even know.

'I know not everyone sees it that way, and that's fine. I just wish more people would, because there would be less hurt feelings in the world.

Does that make sense?'


- IMO you still dont get it. i understand what your saying. that a factual description of you in the context you describe above is not offensive, and i agree. but what you are saying (as a whole) still doesnt feel right, i still dont get the impression that you appreciate how powerfull this small 3 letter word can be on some people.
The CONTEXT (not the message) you are trying to put across on your original post and subsequent posts seem to me a little confused. Why would someone be upset that a factual physical description is given of them in the right context by a friend?
The point is, I dont need someone telling ME how to feel and what to feel. im a grown man with all my faculties, i experience the world in my own unique way, and have my own unique experiences from which i draw upon which in turn informs my outlook on life. If i'm sensitive about being called fat, that is just a fact, im not going to apologise for it, nor suppress it on here just to be polite or for vanity. Because that is how i really feel.
i know i said i woudnt post on this thread again, i lied. :happy:

Krista916

The word fat can be hurtful. Any way you use it. Would it be fair to call a little person a midget, just because they are? Would it be OK to call a mentally challanged person a retard? I understand the whole take the power back and don't let it hurt your feelings, but bottom line is that it's hurtful, period. I know I'm fat, I don't need you or anyone else to bring it to my attention. Believe it or not there CAN be reasons other then overeating and laziness to weight. Hormone imbalances, PCOS, IDDM, NIDDM to name a few. Before you start using words like fat just to be descriptive go back to your childhood and remember "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"

People don't realize how that might effect someone long term. It is 15 years now that I've been out of high school and the very last day of my senior year I heard a boy say (to my crush about me) "she'd be hot if she wasn't so fat.'' I'm 36 and still remember exactly where we were, the time of day and even the dress I had on. It was devistating! I would kill for my "fat" high school body now (OK, maybe not kill, but you know).

Just think before you speak. Harsh word ring loud and clear for a long time.

tjthegreatone

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

tjthegreatone

Learning skills to cope with negativity is a much healthier option than wishing the world would change.

There is no reason why both cannot occur. You can change the world if you care to...enough.

Calliope610

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

pcastagner

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

so because it isn't a problem for you, it's not an important problem?

LorinaLynn

It's like racism and bigotry. Societal pressure may get some people to stop saying the certain words. But it won't change the people who need changing the most.

When my grandfather was a kid (he was born in 1903) he had a dog named the N-word. He wasn't a racist. He was a product of his time. The civil rights movement changed things, and it changed the habits of people who were just clueless or ignorant, but it hasn't erased racism. That goes deeper.

No one is saying suffer in silence. If you want to tell someone to shut their trap or insult them right back if they insult you, go right ahead. If it's someone you think you can reach by explaining that what they said is hurtful, go right ahead. If you think ignoring the comment is the way to go, do that.

But don't let it infect you. Because then they win. That's what they want. Don't give them what they want.

danofthedead1979

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is a completely moot point to me.

I dont consider people who are confident enough in themselves to admit a "percieved" weakness in their psyche to be frail. infact quite the opposite. I would say its reasonable to think that shows some bravery and humility to admit you are only human and dont posses a magic shield to fend off all the negative bollocks that comes your way in life. its sad that some of the comments on here (when taken to their natural conclusion) appear to conclude that if you cant deal with being fat and called/described as fat then thats ultimately your fault, you're the weak one, you cant cope with the big bad world boo hoo. because all you have to do is think positively and then multi-coloured bunny rabbits will suddenly jump out of your *kitten*, a big smiley sun will appear singing Stevie Wonder classics and everythings hunky-dory.
meanwhile back in the real world......
(btw, i know im a sanctimonious ****)

Calliope610

I think the OP is severely lacking in insight.

'Sticks and stones' is one of the most awful sayings ever devised by humans.

Words hurt. A lot. Self-esteem is a fragile thing at the best of times and what gives others the right to go around crushing it?

Why should the onus be on the person on the receiving end of soul-destroying comments to be the one who has to learn to be strong and let it go? Why don't we tell the trolls to keep their traps shut? Why don't we challenge the norm in our society that deems people less worthy and deserving of scorn because they are overweight?

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Well done on spectacularly missing the point.

The point is that I don't get "crushed" by strangers who say mean things, so whether or not they have the "right" to do so is completely moot to me.

so because it isn't a problem for you, it's not an important problem?

You choose your "important problems", I will choose mine, deal?

greentart

"It is your choice to allow someone's toxic energy to bother you." I don't know who said it, but it's true... in all aspects of life. You have no control over other's thoughts and opinions, or how they choose to express them. You do, however, have control over you and how you react. Yes, words hurt. But at some point... you have to get over it and realize that you can't control other people.

Luwright321

I agree. I don't get mad when I'm called fat. I call myself fat. It's not an insult it's a fact. I AM FAT. And I'm trying to change that. That's why I'm on this site. When someone tells me I'm fat I say "tell me something I don't know" Really if that's the best someone can come up with to insult you they're not very creative.

Alissakae

Here's something I've observed... the people who mostly loudly insist on not being judged for something are often the quickest to judge others... just on a different attribute that's more socially-approved to publicly beat up on.

I've noticed the same thing. It's an amazing thing.

I wish people would just be kinder.

TheRealParisLove

My mom has had 6 doctors in 6 years. This is because they all told her to lose weight. She rants about how terrible doctors are for insulting her.

She's 5'1" and weighs over 200 pounds. She has a heart condition, high blood pressure and her cholesterol is way above acceptable levels.

I said, "Mom, they aren't insulting you, they are prescribing a course of action to help you stay healthy."
She said, "They should say it in a nicer way. Telling someone to lose weight is one of the worst insults."
I said, "Not from your doctor. It's all about context."

halffull_pgh

I get that you are entitled to opinion posts but perhaps you should stick to posting "empowering" thoughts regarding something you have experience in. If you have no idea what it is like to be called fat by someone you care for or admire, you have no right telling me I should feel ok about it.

lithezebra

There is often a lot of hate behind calling someone fat. One would do well to accept unwelcome, but well intentioned, advice from a loved one who cares about your health, and you need to listen to your doctor if your doctor addresses your weight as a problem. Everyone else should mind their own business. I hate being around people who complain about other people being fat, or think it's their mission to help strangers shape up by making nasty comments.

Where I grew up, snidely insinuating that someone was fat was the way that girls bullied each other.

harribeau2012

many a time I've felt hurt - BUT I fondly remember one particular occassion when in response to not helping someone (who was a really really unpleasant person who was using me as a last resort) I was called "Fatso" to which I replied "OH! Are we stating the obvious, ****head?" Low, yes. Joyful YES.

I am fat anyone can call me that, it's true.

my edit-the page has deleted the fact it was a male genitalia

Cheechos

There are so many words that we use to describe someone: Tall, short, skinny, fat, athletic, blonde, brunette, white, black, etc. As you can see, "fat" is only one of those words. So why does it get so many connotations with it? Why can't it just be treated as a fact, like any of those other words would be? If someone calls you fat, why not just say "yes, I am" and then move on with your day? If you don't want to be fat any more, you can change it - that's why we have great resources like MFP. But stop letting the word have so much power over you.

You make a very good point here. Why does fat have such a negative connotation? Why can't it just be treated like any other descriptor? The simple answer is that fat doesn't just mean fat anymore. In our society, fat means gross. Fat means useless. Fat means diseased. Fat people are often portrayed in the media as undesirable, as a joke, as something "normal" people stay away from. Being attracted to a fat person is often seen as a fetish instead of a legitimate preference. Fat people who say they love their bodies are accused of "glorifying obesity." Politicians have pushed legislation that would ban fat people from restaurants. There are records of fat people receiving inadequate care from doctors because of weight discrimination. I could go on.

The reason why people can't just let being called fat roll off their shoulders is because of all those things and more. It runs so much deeper than just words. A lot of people who have struggled with their weight have also struggled with feeling like they need to disappear, like they need to be silent and unseen because it would offend others just to know they existed. It took me years to just see the word fat as a descriptor, so I can only imagine how difficult it is for others who are still deeply hurt by that word. I wish that people weren't hurt by the word fat, but with so much malice behind it I can only hope my explanation helps you understand why it can't just be a descriptor in some cases.

Also, just as a side response to someone else:

Please speak for yourself. Some of us aren't such frail little special snowflakes.

Admitting that something hurts you doesn't make you a "frail little special snowflake." It makes you a human being. Everybody is different.

YogaNikki

Zombella

I totally get what you mean. I call myself fat sometimes.. but I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean it usually as in "Wow I am really enjoying this food" (can be anything). I never call myself fat in a negative way, even though my husband hates when I do because he sees it as a negative word.

daftthoughts

I found that the only reason we're hurt by other people's words is because we use words to hurt other people ourselves.

I've called people names (not proud of it) and looked down upon them. That's why being called 'fat' and other names really hurt me and damaged my self-esteem.

The second I stopped judging others and accepted them for who and what they are, I found that words no longer hurt me because by accepting others I could finally accept myself.

Maybe if words hurt you, it's time to stop judging others - even if it's just in that private area inside your head and the words never leave your lips. A whole new world will open up to you.

DefyGravity810

Saying that fat is just a description isn't fair because it isn't just said to be the same as height or hair color. It is usually intended to hurt and in most cases it's probably something the "fat" person is well aware of and thinks about almost constantly. Every time they have to buy clothes, every time they get winded going up steps, every time they look in the mirror, get dressed in the morning, do just about anything. It is a word that is usually intended to hurt and it is said with judgement- usually implying that that person must be lazy and spend a lot of time eating insane amounts of cake. In fact, even medical professionals do this because I have had doctors call me fat, tell me I needed to lose weight, and suggest I "just eat a little less chocolate cake." Fat is not just a state of being, it's usually a sign of some serious emotional baggage or possibly even emotional trauma. Maybe even a medical condition. People who are fat are already hurting, feeling awful about themselves, and using food to deal with emotions that are too painful for them to face. Emotions that probably have a lot to do with them feeling worthless and like they're not good enough. Probably because they've spent a lot of time being called fat. :explode: That's amazing that the OP is confident enough to just shake off something intended to be an insult and I hope to get there someday too but I promise you 95% of "fat" people are not that. They're probably trapped in a hell inside their own body where they don't want to be and are unhappy with themselves and their life. They don't need anyone to point that out. Also, as someone who has been overweight most of my life, most of the people who called me fat were children taunting me when I was also a child. Even some of these children's parents. That's part of the reason I can never be okay with that word and I'm probably not the only one. I do appreciate where the post is coming from but I just don't think it's that easy.

That being said, I'm not planning to have that word apply much longer. My one friend's mother called me fat when we were about 13 and this friend is getting married next year. I think I'll feel a lot better about that word when her mom sees all the progress I've made.

Edit: Also, when I say "fat people" here I mean those who are truly really overweight where the word, if it were just a simple adjective, might actually be appropriate.