How to talk to those who think I have lost enough and am getting too thin
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I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
Tell her you don't like fat girls lol
Joking aside, just tell her upfront that you like being skinny, and that if she doesn't like skinny guys, she needs to deal with it. Or try to get her back to weight loss and help her maintain it, if she's been losing and gaining the weight and she sees you losing your weight consistently, it might come from a place of jealousy instead.5 -
I just hope to get to the point were people ask that question ...
Good luck4 -
I guess it goes both ways.I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
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Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
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Great answer @aaron_k123 . I was dieting unhealthy at 19, and I'm glad my loved ones were on top of it.1
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?14 -
"I am perfectly healthy, as is my goal weight. Thank you for your concern."1
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"Oh, you know more than my doctor? Gotchya!"1
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?
You are assuming that the OP is accurately reporting their situation. I am not saying the OP isn't, I'm just pointing out I'm hesitant to assume someone looking for validation from a community is guaranteed to be being completely honest with themselves or with the comminty. That belief has nothing to do with what the OP said or who the OP is. Thats why I am hestitant to provide that validation, I'd rather suggest they seek opinion in person from an unbiased source such as a medical professional during one of their routinue visits.
Here is where I am coming from. There is a very slim chance the OP is biased and is not accurately reporting the actual circumstances and as such telling them to ignore advice or concern they are getting would be the wrong thing to say. It is, however, completely safe to advise them to seek out an unbiased professional opinion from their doctor during their next visit. So I just chose the less risky option.
I'm choosing to be unbiased and give advice that fits all situations. Whether the OPs friends/family or wrong or the OP is wrong.
So I guess I'd turn the question around and ask you what is wrong with my advice to simply get a medical opinion during their next routinue appointment and then use that medical opinion to answer others concerns?
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I've been at my current weight (still about 15 lbs heavy) for about a year now so I'm not getting this too much anymore, but during the time I was actually losing most of my weight I got this kind of thing frequently. I never had too much problem telling casual questioners that I knew what I was doing, had a plan, and I'd stop when I got to a good weight for me.
The one that really bothers me, and the one that I still hear this from time to time from, is my wife. It's really, really frustrating to have the person who's supposed to be my biggest supporter, and who knows where I'm coming from because she battles weight herself and has lost substantial amounts (and gained it back again) several times tell me I need to stop losing weight because she "doesn't like skinny guys" or something similar.
I get this from my husband too. He now tells me I'm too thin and I need to eat more! Honestly, I do carry my weight well. No one would guess I weigh 170 but it's definitely NOT too thin.1 -
Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!4
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Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
It has nothing to do with who you are as a person, I wasn't saying it personally.
My advice is simply next time you see your doctor ask them for a physical with regards to your current weight and their advice on that. That costs you absolutely nothing. If they tell you you are a healthy weight or could stand to lose a little then you have the absolutely perfect response to anyone who says you are "too thin".
My advice is neither positive nor negative, its just unbiased. Why is that bad advice? Were you just looking for people to afirm what you wanted to hear, that you are correct about everything even thought they don't know you or your friends/family at all? Is telling you that your friends and family are wrong what you are defining as "being positive"? How could I legitimately do that...I don't know you personally, i don't know your family or friends persoanlly.3 -
It sounds like you are on a success path. Best Wishes! Stay strong.Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed.I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?
You are assuming that the OP is accurately reporting their situation. I am not saying the OP isn't, I'm just pointing out I'm hesitant to assume someone looking for validation from a community is guaranteed to be being completely honest with themselves or with the comminty. That belief has nothing to do with what the OP said or who the OP is. Thats why I am hestitant to provide that validation, I'd rather suggest they seek opinion in person from an unbiased source such as a medical professional during one of their routinue visits.
Here is where I am coming from. There is a very slim chance the OP is biased and is not accurately reporting the actual circumstances and as such telling them to ignore advice or concern they are getting would be the wrong thing to say. It is, however, completely safe to advise them to seek out an unbiased professional opinion from their doctor during their next visit. So I just chose the less risky option.
I'm choosing to be unbiased and give advice that fits all situations. Whether the OPs friends/family or wrong or the OP is wrong.
So I guess I'd turn the question around and ask you what is wrong with my advice to simply get a medical opinion during their next routinue appointment and then use that medical opinion to answer others concerns?
Obviously there's nothing wrong with getting a medical opinion on anything.
The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
When I read a post, I look at the wording to try to discern what exactly is going on. A person who is body dysmorphic does not pad their weight and size stats in order to get sympathy. They list their true weight and size and try to justify why it is not small when it is. I do not at all believe, even a teeny tiny itty bitty little bit, that the OP is biased here.
Going back to asking for a medical opinion--Like I said, I have no problem with people getting medical opinions on anything. But! I would never suggest using that medical opinion to answer others' concerns, except maybe if we're talking about partners/spouses. Telling people other than my husband what my doctor says about my health is telling them that it's okay to butt into my personal matters. That kind of thing just invites more butting in, which is the entire problem that the OP is trying to avoid.
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The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?4 -
Um. I am the OP and am most definitely NOT padding my statistics for this forum AaronK_123. Not real thrilled someone would think that! I don't post too much, but have been experiencing this for about 2 months and was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I had a compete physical and my Dr is thrilled with my progress and my goal. I probably should lose even more but need to be at a sustainable weight. I feel 150 is sustainable. So I do NOT have an ED and I promise you I do not have body dysmorphic disorder. Ugh. To all those who posted positive advice, THANK you. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some ammo for my Arsenal!
I would not worry about it too much. Have you ever been in a pet store and looking at puppies and one gets bored and just starts clawing at another's face for no reason and a wrestling match breaks out? Same thing here.2 -
I can definitely relate. My parents/friends tell me to slow down despite me still being overweight, I've learnt to ignore them when it comes to my weight, it's MY body.0
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It really is amazing, though, how many people think it is okay to comment on my body now that I've lost weight but who would never have said anything when I actually was unhealthy.
THIS ^^^^
Anyway, glad to read I'm not the only one struggling with these comments.
I've got them a lot, especially since Italians always assume that if you've lost weight is because you're ill.
"Do you want pizza?"
"No thank you"
"WHY?"
"Because I'm not hungry"
"Yes, but WHY??"
Even if you have an iron will, living in an environment that seems to look at you like a Big Brother is not easy.
It's been months now, and I still get the same *kitten* look on my mother's face when I refuse something.
My father once went as far as to tell me not to go jogging because I was "overdoing" it (was running 3 times per week, honestly) and I didn't need to lose any more weight. As if jogging was about weight.
Anyway, I'm digressing now. I've found that trying to speak like an adult to people when they tell me I'm "too thin", showing them that I'm eating as healthy as I can and I have breakfast and lunch and dinner when maybe they skip breakfast, is useless, because usually the people that make those comments are the ones that have no idea what a healthy meal is to begin with.
Just ignore it. People will get used to it, if given enough time.2 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
In another thread I suspected the OP could have a distorted body image and suggested she discussion her ideal weight for her frame with her GYN.
In this case, the OP has a very different tone and has stats similar to mine, so I am confident she is right and they are wrong.
I agree with you in general, but for this particular thread think we have enough specifics to support the OP.
I would discuss my goal weight with my doctor if a loved one of mine was giving me grief so as to be able to reassure them with the Appeal to Authority card.
In my next post I will quote my favorite suggestion for responding to less important acquaintances.3 -
I've found giving them a LOT of details about my diet , goals, and the way I'm making sure I stay healthy will glaze over even the most concerned eyes. They tend to not bring it up again. I pull out my calorie log, show them that I'm eating over 1800 calories a day, every day (sometimes as many as 2400!), point to how I take care to meet my protein and fiber goals while watching sodium intake, and show the weekly summary and the graphs. Then I launch into exactly what my BMI calculation is, and my personal concerns with the measurement given my specific medical conditions (lupus and scoliosis), and why I've set my goals exactly where they are; well above the median weight for my height ( I really make sure I hammer on this point, that my goal weight is about 30 lbs higher than the minimally acceptable weight for my current height).
I assume if they were worried about my health, all of this detail will surely assuage them. And if they were just being rude, I've now wasted at least ten minutes of their time on an EXCEEDINGLY boring topic.
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?
So you think her friends would say in their post that her BMI is 27? If they knew that for sure then why would they think she was too thin? Clearly they don't believe that is the case which means that either OP hasn't told them or they don't believe the OP for some reason that hasn't been disclosed. I'm not going to jump in as a total stranger who knows none of them and decide who is correct.
I offered what I thought was an unbiased approach. Of course the OP doesn't have to do what I say so not sure what the big deal is. Its like people are getting upset that I, a random stranger, is not willing to take a side here. Why do people care if I don't take a side. I'm not saying one side is right and one is wrong at all so what is the problem exactly? Is it somehow offensive that I am not disagreeing with the OPs friends who I don't kow and who aren't here to defend themselves or say why they did it in the first place?
Spinelessness? Why does not deciding who is right and who is wrong amongst complete strangers I don't know equate to spinelessness? I thought that was more like not interjecting an opinion when I lacked complete information so rather just suggesting something that is neutral and generally a good idea to do anyways.
Just not sure what you want me to say. Nothing I suggested is actually bad and OP doesn't have to pay attention to it anyways if they choose not to. Its like you want me to say that her friends that I don't know are completely wrong even though I have no way of actually knowing that other than the typed opinion of a total stranger on a website. Uh...no, I'm not doing that. I also won't assume the OP is incorrect and that the friends are correct, I won't assume that either...I'm remaining neutral. Apparently not leaping to conclucsions due to incomplete information and only hearing from one side is now "spinelessness".
I said what I thought I'm quite happy to stop talking now, at this point all I'm doing is responding to people asking me to explain myself for some reason.3 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?
So you think her friends would say in their post that her BMI is 27? If they knew that for sure then why would they think she was too thin? Clearly they don't believe that is the case which means that either OP hasn't told them or they don't believe the OP for some reason that hasn't been disclosed. I'm not going to jump in as a total stranger who knows none of them and decide who is correct.
I offered what I thought was an unbiased approach. Of course the OP doesn't have to do what I say so not sure what the big deal is. Its like people are getting upset that I, a random stranger, is not willing to take a side here. Why do people care if I don't take a side. I'm not saying one side is right and one is wrong at all so what is the problem exactly? Is it somehow offensive that I am not disagreeing with the OPs friends who I don't kow and who aren't here to defend themselves or say why they did it in the first place?
Spinelessness? Why does not deciding who is right and who is wrong amongst complete strangers I don't know equate to spinelessness? I thought that was more like not interjecting an opinion when I lacked complete information so rather just suggesting something that is neutral and generally a good idea to do anyways.
Just not sure what you want me to say. Nothing I suggested is actually bad and OP doesn't have to pay attention to it anyways if they choose not to. Its like you want me to say that her friends that I don't know are completely wrong even though I have no way of actually knowing that other than the typed opinion of a total stranger on a website. Uh...no, I'm not doing that. I also won't assume the OP is incorrect and that the friends are correct, I won't assume that either...I'm remaining neutral. Apparently not leaping to conclucsions due to incomplete information and only hearing from one side is now "spinelessness".
I said what I thought I'm quite happy to stop talking now, at this point all I'm doing is responding to people asking me to explain myself for some reason.
Women are catty, especially to their own friends and family. It sucks that they are taking their frustrations out on you, but I assure you, the situation the OP is dealing with is common.4 -
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?
So you think her friends would say in their post that her BMI is 27? If they knew that for sure then why would they think she was too thin? Clearly they don't believe that is the case which means that either OP hasn't told them or they don't believe the OP for some reason that hasn't been disclosed. I'm not going to jump in as a total stranger who knows none of them and decide who is correct.
I offered what I thought was an unbiased approach. Of course the OP doesn't have to do what I say so not sure what the big deal is. Its like people are getting upset that I, a random stranger, is not willing to take a side here. Why do people care if I don't take a side. I'm not saying one side is right and one is wrong at all so what is the problem exactly? Is it somehow offensive that I am not disagreeing with the OPs friends who I don't kow and who aren't here to defend themselves or say why they did it in the first place?
Spinelessness? Why does not deciding who is right and who is wrong amongst complete strangers I don't know equate to spinelessness? I thought that was more like not interjecting an opinion when I lacked complete information so rather just suggesting something that is neutral and generally a good idea to do anyways.
Just not sure what you want me to say. Nothing I suggested is actually bad and OP doesn't have to pay attention to it anyways if they choose not to. Its like you want me to say that her friends that I don't know are completely wrong even though I have no way of actually knowing that other than the typed opinion of a total stranger on a website. Uh...no, I'm not doing that. I also won't assume the OP is incorrect and that the friends are correct, I won't assume that either...I'm remaining neutral. Apparently not leaping to conclucsions due to incomplete information and only hearing from one side is now "spinelessness".
I said what I thought I'm quite happy to stop talking now, at this point all I'm doing is responding to people asking me to explain myself for some reason.
Women are catty, especially to their own friends and family. It sucks that they are taking their frustrations out on you, but I assure you, the situation the OP is dealing with is common.
Fair enough jrulo16. I honestly do think 99 times out of 100 it is the people making comments about others weight that are being inappropriate, just didn't want to go there. Perhaps the better thing would have been to just not say anything.1 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?
So you think her friends would say in their post that her BMI is 27? If they knew that for sure then why would they think she was too thin? Clearly they don't believe that is the case which means that either OP hasn't told them or they don't believe the OP for some reason that hasn't been disclosed. I'm not going to jump in as a total stranger who knows none of them and decide who is correct.
I offered what I thought was an unbiased approach. Of course the OP doesn't have to do what I say so not sure what the big deal is. Its like people are getting upset that I, a random stranger, is not willing to take a side here. Why do people care if I don't take a side. I'm not saying one side is right and one is wrong at all so what is the problem exactly? Is it somehow offensive that I am not disagreeing with the OPs friends who I don't kow and who aren't here to defend themselves or say why they did it in the first place?
Spinelessness? Why does not deciding who is right and who is wrong amongst complete strangers I don't know equate to spinelessness? I thought that was more like not interjecting an opinion when I lacked complete information so rather just suggesting something that is neutral and generally a good idea to do anyways.
Just not sure what you want me to say. Nothing I suggested is actually bad and OP doesn't have to pay attention to it anyways if they choose not to. Its like you want me to say that her friends that I don't know are completely wrong even though I have no way of actually knowing that other than the typed opinion of a total stranger on a website. Uh...no, I'm not doing that. I also won't assume the OP is incorrect and that the friends are correct, I won't assume that either...I'm remaining neutral. Apparently not leaping to conclucsions due to incomplete information and only hearing from one side is now "spinelessness".
I said what I thought I'm quite happy to stop talking now, at this point all I'm doing is responding to people asking me to explain myself for some reason.
This is the problem that I am having with your answer: If you are going to say that we can't tell, from OP's telling of it, if she is too thin, you are indirectly stating that she has misstated her height and weight. If you believed that 5'6" and 170 lbs were her true stats, there would be no way that you could say that she is too thin. From my recollection, you are somewhere between 5'10 and 6' and around 164 lbs. Or at least close enough to those stats to know that a woman of a similar weight who is 5-6"
shorter is not too thin. But you will not come out and say that you think she is lying and I don't understand why. Maybe I haven't read enough of your posts and you always question whether the OPs are being truthful?8 -
Hey folks, could we quit making this another "Let's beat up on Aaron because he speaks differently" thread? The OP got a lot of input. Now its in her hands.3
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Hey folks, could we quit making this another "Let's beat up on Aaron because he speaks differently" thread? The OP got a lot of input. Now its in her hands.
I'm not trying to beat anybody up. I'm trying to understand the thought process. I have no idea what you are talking about as far as "another" thread. I don't remember ever directly interacting with him before today.0 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »The OP is asking for advice on what to tell people when they say she is too thin. That's not asking for validation. It's asking how to shut down people who are misspeaking, both in that they are wrong and in that they are sticking their noses where they do not belong.
Except that ISNT always the wrong thing to do as @tomteboda gave as a personal example and you are ASSUMING that the OPs friends are misspeaking based only what the OP told us with no other context or experience.
OP is asking for us to side with them over their friends. If her friends were making the post instead they'd be asking us to side with them. I'm trying to be impartial, I don't want to "side" with anyone. Agreeing with the OP that their friends and family are wrong isn't "being positive" its choosing a side. I don't know the OP, I don't know the OPs friends...I'm not going to choose a side. I'm going to stay agnostic and just give advice that really is good advice for either side. OP won't be hurt by having a physical now and again. OPs friends/family might get some piece of mind if OP has a doctor confirm they aren't in any sort of health risk. Its win-win isn't it?
If OP's friends were posting I would tell them that a woman with a BMI of 27 is not too thin. It is mind boggling to me that you think that it is impartiality to suggest that the OP should take time and money to go see a doctor to confirm that being 16 lbs above the healthy weight range for her height is not too thin and that she then should repeat that to her friends. To me that goes beyond impartiality to illogical and completely spineless, especially considering how prevalent "you're too thin" comments are, as evidenced by multiple comments in this thread. Your advice to all of the people who have posted that they were told that they are getting too thin is that they should go get physicals and report the results to their friends?
So you think her friends would say in their post that her BMI is 27? If they knew that for sure then why would they think she was too thin? Clearly they don't believe that is the case which means that either OP hasn't told them or they don't believe the OP for some reason that hasn't been disclosed. I'm not going to jump in as a total stranger who knows none of them and decide who is correct.
I offered what I thought was an unbiased approach. Of course the OP doesn't have to do what I say so not sure what the big deal is. Its like people are getting upset that I, a random stranger, is not willing to take a side here. Why do people care if I don't take a side. I'm not saying one side is right and one is wrong at all so what is the problem exactly? Is it somehow offensive that I am not disagreeing with the OPs friends who I don't kow and who aren't here to defend themselves or say why they did it in the first place?
Spinelessness? Why does not deciding who is right and who is wrong amongst complete strangers I don't know equate to spinelessness? I thought that was more like not interjecting an opinion when I lacked complete information so rather just suggesting something that is neutral and generally a good idea to do anyways.
Just not sure what you want me to say. Nothing I suggested is actually bad and OP doesn't have to pay attention to it anyways if they choose not to. Its like you want me to say that her friends that I don't know are completely wrong even though I have no way of actually knowing that other than the typed opinion of a total stranger on a website. Uh...no, I'm not doing that. I also won't assume the OP is incorrect and that the friends are correct, I won't assume that either...I'm remaining neutral. Apparently not leaping to conclucsions due to incomplete information and only hearing from one side is now "spinelessness". If that aggrevates you feel free to ignore me.
I said what I thought I'm quite happy to stop talking now, at this point all I'm doing is responding to people asking me to explain myself for some reason.
This is the problem that I am having with your answer: If you are going to say that we can't tell, from OP's telling of it, if she is too thin, you are indirectly stating that she has misstated her height and weight. If you believed that 5'6" and 170 lbs were her true stats, there would be no way that you could say that she is too thin. From my recollection, you are somewhere between 5'10 and 6' and around 164 lbs. Or at least close enough to those stats to know that a woman of a similar weight who is 5-6"
shorter is not too thin. But you will not come out and say that you think she is lying and I don't understand why. Maybe I haven't read enough of your posts and you always question whether the OPs are being truthful?
I'm a scientist. I'm not saying that to be an authority or anything I'm saying that as a point of explanation for why I think like I think. People are biased and their testimony is unreliable, especially when it is about themselves or something that caused them emotional distress. Understand I'm not picking out this OP for that, I view that as true of everyone including myself. Yes, I don't take the word of strangers relating interactions they had with other people as objective fact. I don't take my own views or beliefs about myself or what I say as objective fact either, thats why we measure and test. Pointing that out does tend to make some people uncomfortable, I do encounter that on occassion. But I do this in an unbiased way, I'm not being judgemental. Understand there is a HUGE difference between saying that you believe someone is lying and saying you have no way of determining if someone is accurately representing the situation because you are hearing things from one side only. So no I don't believe the OP is lying, I believe the OP is giving a biased account of something that occured between her and other people from her perspective...because she is a human.
I come at this sort of thing like a judge would. I try to be unbiased and disinterested. If there is some he-said she-said situation I'm not going to assume the person telling the story from their perspective is somehow the objective truth of the matter. Interactions between people are pretty darn subjective and I'm guessing that the other party in this interaction might describe what happened VERY differently and we just don't know because they aren't here to defend themselves. I feel very uncomfortable judging others when they can't give their side of the story so I tend to not do that. All I did was offer a possible course of action which would be a decent thing to do regardless of which of the parties had a point. What you refered to as "being spineless".
That doesn't mean I declare the person who is telling the story a liar, I'm just saying unless I can hear all sides from all parties I'm not going to just assume the one person who happens to tell their side that I just happen to hear is the objective version....mainly because there is no such thing as the objective version when it comes to interactions between people.
And yeah, I treat anyone and everyone in that way. If you come to me and tell me about how rude your mother was to you and your mother isn't around to explain herself then I'd feel pretty uncomfortable passing judgement there. I'll give sympathy for feeling frustrated or angry with another person but I'm not going to declare one person "right" and one person "wrong" on the basis of testimony completely from one side. If that alone infuriates you well...all I can say is I don't do it out of some sort of spite or belief that you are wrong or "lying" its just that people are inheriently biased.
So if this is enough to appease you on this matter I will say that I have sympathy for anyone who is made to feel uncomfortable by others who bring up their weight as being concerning for any reason. That said I don't agree that no matter what the situation is that person who brought up the weight must inheriently have been wrong to do so, they might have a very good reason that we just haven't heard about because they aren't here to say what it is.
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Its because I'm a bit blunt and have an uncommon perspective that some find it aggrevating
Not everyone but some do seem to take me not automatically trusting their version of things as a personal insult.
Just because its hard to read feelings in text just so you know you aren't actually irritating me or making me mad or anything. That said I do feel like we are sort of diverting the point of the thread to have a side-argument over how my brain works for some reason.
OP read what I said, didn't like it...moved on. I'm not going to insist or harp on it so I'm ready to move on too.0
This discussion has been closed.
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