How to talk to those who think I have lost enough and am getting too thin
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Aaron_K123 wrote: »
Its because I'm a bit blunt and have an uncommon perspective that some find it aggrevating
Not everyone but some do seem to take me not automatically trusting their version of things as a personal insult.
Just because its hard to read feelings in text just so you know you aren't actually irritating me or making me mad or anything. That said I do feel like we are sort of diverting the point of the thread to have a side-argument over how my brain works for some reason.
OP read what I said, didn't like it...moved on. I'm not going to insist or harp on it so I'm ready to move on too.
I didn't get the impression that you were irritated. Thank you for your explanation. I do understand where you are coming from. I just think very differently. If I believe that somebody is being untruthful, I will either say so or close the thread without comment. Otherwise, I answer based on the info they provide. My thought is if they are lying and I don't realize it, they deserve bad advice for wasting people's time.
Anyway, moving on 1 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »Aaron_K123 wrote: »Well there are two ways this scenario goes.
Way 1: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too thin. You are right, they are wrong. The right course of action is to ignore them.
Way 2: You believe that you are not to thin. People tell you you are too think. You are wrong, they are right. The right course of action is to stop trying to lose weight and maybe even gain some.
I cringe a bit when I see this sort of uniform reaction to a question like this from a bunch of strangers to the OP. I'm not saying this is the case but what if OP was dysmorphic and insisting that they weren't underweight when they were and described the situation based on their dysmorphic beliefs. The community would tell them to ignore the advice of their immediate friends and family who were warning them they were getting too thin? The community would assume accurate reporting from someone who is clearly biasd and invested? No, when people are emotionally invested it can be hard to be unbiased. I think its wrong for people who don't know you or know the situation personally, who are far removed and at their computers to just assume it must be Way 1.
I think the most reasonable unbiased advice the community (as an outsider who isn't actually seeing the situation) could give would be for you to get a secondary unbiased proffessional opinion in person from your doctor on the status of your health. If your doctor also says you are trending towards being unhealthy in terms of being underweight you should take notice. If they tell you you are a bit overweight or they tell you you are at the upper end of a healthy weight then when you are told by people that "you are too thin" you can simply respond that you are monitoring your health with your doctor and your doctor does not think you are too thin.
Takes the emotion out of it from either side.
I don't understand where you are coming from with this. The OP states in the very first line of her post that she is 5'6" and 170 lbs. There is no way that she could fall under Way 2 as described above. She is overweight, period, and she recognizes this.
I understand looking out for body dysmorphia and people who think they are fat when they are not. I don't think anybody could read any of my posts and think that I don't keep an eye out for that. That is not what is going on here though. The OP has a good read on her situation. Do you think she is padding her stats to get sympathy?
You are assuming that the OP is accurately reporting their situation. I am not saying the OP isn't, I'm just pointing out I'm hesitant to assume someone looking for validation from a community is guaranteed to be being completely honest with themselves or with the comminty. That belief has nothing to do with what the OP said or who the OP is. Thats why I am hestitant to provide that validation, I'd rather suggest they seek opinion in person from an unbiased source such as a medical professional during one of their routinue visits.
Here is where I am coming from. There is a very slim chance the OP is biased and is not accurately reporting the actual circumstances and as such telling them to ignore advice or concern they are getting would be the wrong thing to say. It is, however, completely safe to advise them to seek out an unbiased professional opinion from their doctor during their next visit. So I just chose the less risky option.
I'm choosing to be unbiased and give advice that fits all situations. Whether the OPs friends/family or wrong or the OP is wrong.
So I guess I'd turn the question around and ask you what is wrong with my advice to simply get a medical opinion during their next routinue appointment and then use that medical opinion to answer others concerns?
The OP isn't looking to get validation from the community. She is asking for tips on how to handle people who tell her she is getting too thin when, in fact, she still wants to lose another 20 pounds. I don't think that she is making up her stats, BTW.
Since OP has already seen her physician then she could possibly follow up and tell them, "Thank you for your concern. My diet is being supervised and my physician is very pleased with my progress." That way they won't be compelled to try to oversee her weight management.
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It doesn't bother me honestly. It comes from a place of concern. I've remarked to my sister before about how thin she was getting.
I think it's the before and after difference that gets to people. If they met you at your CW they'd never think you were "getting too thin" but the before and after difference usually shocks people.
With a sister it's one thing. You can be nosy with family and they with you. When coworkers you don't even hang out with and strangers start throwing their two cents in, they need to shut it.1 -
Could it be that these people have a distorted view of you? They are so used to you as a heavier person, that now you are lighter, you somehow look 'wrong' (for want of a better word).
From personal experience, a colleague of mine lost tons of weight, it took ages for me to get used to the new version of them. That said, that was my problem and aside from congratulating them on their hard work, I kept my comments to myself.
When I've get the too thin remark (5'6 and 140 so normal), I just say thanks!2 -
I've been getting a lot of those lately (which is ridiculous considering I'm barely out of the obese category...). Now that the weight loss is showing (radically showing even as I lose nearly all excess fat in my face first) more and more people feel that they have the right to comment on my weight loss and tell me how to proceed from here on. There seems to be something about me that just invites comments, and I haven't been able to figure out what it is yet. Some people have learned to keep their opinion to themselves, others have yet to learn.
My usual answer depends on who is talking and how generous I'm feeling:
In a good mood:
"I've talked it over with my doctor and she approves of my plan. She'll keep an eye on things during our yearly check up."
Annoyed but willing to talk:
"I'm the one who has to live with my body and the consequences of having been morbidly obese. We'll talk again once you've been in that situation and you're having to deal with the creeping health problems."
Beyond annoyed, I might scratch off your face if you say anything again:
"What business of yours is my weight?"
Said to an aunt:
"Why is it okay for cousin X to have lost 100kg after a stomach bypass but it's not okay for me to want to lose 50kg by carefully watching my intake and output?"
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I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"5
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youdoyou2016 wrote: »I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"
I would only reply with this if I wanted to get punched in the nose.1 -
youdoyou2016 wrote: »I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"
I would only reply with this if I wanted to get punched in the nose.
Well, I'm pretty light on my feet now, so they'd have to catch me first.7 -
youdoyou2016 wrote: »I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"
But you have a valid point. Why is it okay for them to comment about your weight, but you can't comment on theirs? I mean, they can say you're getting too thin, but you can't turn around and tell them they're getting too fat.
Ugh..1 -
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youdoyou2016 wrote: »I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"
I like it.
Might have to add it to my repertoire for those especially annoying people.
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Be vague and change the topic. Comment along the lines that at this point you're focusing on health & fitness, and then encourage them to talk about themselves. Ask about their kids, their hobbies, etc.First let me start by saying I am not TOO thin. I am 5'6.5" tall and weigh 170. My goal is 150. I am a size 12, almost in a 10. I am a BIG girl with big bones(really) and very broad shoulders. My problem is so many people have told me I need to stop losing now, it's enough. I am getting too thin. They refuse to believe me until I disclose how much I weigh and I HATE to do that. I understand I started at 250 and a size 20, and it's a big change; but they refuse to believe I am still in the overweight category. Any advice on how to deal and what to say to people would be welcome.
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My reflex response would be "Oh! You want to talk about weight! I lost X lb, but I still weigh Y. How much do YOU weigh? Gained or lost this year?"
Said brightly. With a smile.5 -
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shredcamps wrote: »i bet those making the comments are all overweight.
⬆️ and I'd call them on it. If they're going to comment on my weight, I'd comment back. "That's interesting, because I was just thinking how good you would feel and look if you lost some weight. To each his own".
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I've been getting that from my mother a lot lately. I'm 5'7" and 182 lbs - not even remotely in the "too thin" category. I just let her say whatever it is she wants to say. I don't let it get to me. I know I still have plenty to lose.3
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Remember if you are truly "big boned" then getting to the high end of a healthy BMI may be where you want to stop.
Middle of healthy BMI range is for those with a medium frame, low end of healthy BMI range is for small frame, and you are large framed.2 -
dragon_girl26 wrote: »youdoyou2016 wrote: »I think the next time this happens to me I'm going to thank them for their concern, chat about it for a bit, and then say something like, "So, any plans to do anything about your weight?"
But you have a valid point. Why is it okay for them to comment about your weight, but you can't comment on theirs? I mean, they can say you're getting too thin, but you can't turn around and tell them they're getting too fat.
Ugh..
Yeah, but I don't even mean to say it if the person is overweight. I mean any weight. Even a thin person who has no plans to lose weight or put on muscle or whatever would have to stop for a sec and get what a dumb thing it is to bother another person about this ...
Genuine concern for a my health that comes from a place of love and caring is one thing -- even if I think it's not an issue or anything to worry about. But that's not the same thing that happens in the office break room when some person inappropriately makes comments / jokes about my body -- especially when I suspect the issue really isn't with my body but with theirs.1 -
I've had people do this to me and it's almost always because a crab is highly upset that I've left the bucket. I tell them to have fun in the bucket, cause I'm out to see the world.2
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By 5 (4? whatever) pages, this has probably been put to bed, but I just wanted to speak up to say something from a different point of view. I am rather hesitant to admit, but i must say i was one who often said that type of thing to my friends- never to complete strangers, and only when they were discussing how much more they wanted to lose (and clearly inviting comments), some people just to love to talk endlessly about their weight loss!
I can tell you in my case, and very likely many others, although of course there are exceptions, that it is meant as a compliment, to be (sincerely) flattering, that is tell the person they indeed look very good as they are, and is given as encouragement and loving acceptance.
Believe me, after seeing theses comments ten thousand times over, i have learned that is NOT what people want to hear!
But I sincerely didn't realize it at the time.
I would have responded best to something that was non-confrontational, and didn't assume that was I was trying to be snarky or bossy or critical. If someone would have responded as some of you have suggested, i would have assumed *that* person was needlessly rude, not that *I* was being out of line.
Responses such as "dont worry, I wont" or "Im working on fitness now" etc, are ideal. Many are like I was and had no idea they came across rude. If you have that kind of relationship, try to help them understand whatever part youre comfortable with telling them, whether educating them about healthy weight or telling them their comment actually sounds rude, or if not, just brush it off pleasantly with something noncommittal. Some of us do eventually learn better.
To those claiming it is the "same thing" as telling someone they are too fat and need to lose weight- it is absolutely NOT! Where in "lose some weight" are you being accepting of that person? The spirit behind what the OP is referring to is "you are beautiful as you are! don't change!" which is exactly opposite of telling an overweight person to lose weight!
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I feel like some people have good intentions and are just worried about the possibility of you starting an eating disorder. It is not uncommon (not saying that it is common either) for people who achieve a drastic weight loss to have some kind of eating disorder or to develop some kind of unhealthy relationship with food following their huge willpower and efforts for their diet. Some people also do have a problem to 'where to stop' and end up always fighthing to lose more and more just 'out of habit'.
You are not too thin and you don't have to explain yourself to anybody OP ....BUT! Keep in mind that some of them are just concerned that you may become one of those people eventually because they don't know your stats, they just see you melting! 4 -
Weight loss and body image are intensely personal. I don't think people need to push their opinions on you or your goals. If you are dropping a lot of weight or trying to gain a lot of weight you should be talking with your doctor fairly regularly anyway so they can monitor your health during those big gains or losses.1
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Ah yes I used to get this all the time, still do occasionally. The problem is people have no idea what being to thin is, they perhaps think they are thin when actually they are over weight. I just agree and ignore them now.3
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I'm 5ft8 and a broad big boned girl. I was 250 lbs when I lost weight last time. U.K. Size 20. I lost 40 kilos and got to a 14 and ppl said no more enough. Big mistake. I should have finished and got to a 10/12 which was about 8/10 kilos. Instead I was complimented and comfortable and went up to a 16 bot noticing
Once again after 2 kids I found myself at 250lbs again. This time I don't care what people say, my target is 150lbs. Woooooo half way there, living on a prayer (and calorie deficit to get there)4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »I've had people do this to me and it's almost always because a crab is highly upset that I've left the bucket. I tell them to have fun in the bucket, cause I'm out to see the world.
Fantastic image!
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Same old story to me, i thinks it is because to our big frames which bones will be showed if we lose so much weight but still good, then also they said healthy weight is also based in body frame if you are small medium or large but its all up to us if we want to lose or whatever. What i do if they commenting on my weight loss smile walkout moveon thats all theres nothing bad 1
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I love this!annacole94 wrote: »My reflex response would be "Oh! You want to talk about weight! I lost X lb, but I still weigh Y. How much do YOU weigh? Gained or lost this year?"
Said brightly. With a smile.
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dave_in_ni wrote: »Ah yes I used to get this all the time, still do occasionally. The problem is people have no idea what being to thin is, they perhaps think they are thin when actually they are over weight. I just agree and ignore them now.
This. THIS.
The population at large has literally lost all perspective, it seems, on what a healthy weight really is.0 -
My dad likes to complain about my tattoos. My response would also apply to your situation, "I don't make comments about your life choices, please give me the same respect." That usually shuts him up for awhile.3
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My first thought is ask where they were when I was getting fat lol
Good luck1
This discussion has been closed.
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