What's on your mind?
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laurenq1991 wrote: »Real talk:
I was always undecided about having kids. My husband always wanted them (whether he realizes how much work it entails is a different story) and even if he never got married he would want to get a surrogate or adopt.
I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional home and now I have PTSD and OCD. I thought it would get better by the time I was around 30 or so and I would be a fully functional adult, but now I'm 27 and it hasn't really happened yet. Additionally I have only gotten more terrified of pregnancy and parenting over time after doing more research on it. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm afraid of dying in pregnancy or childbirth. I'm also at high risk of post-partum depression (my mom had it and I already know that hormonal changes affect my mood a lot).
Because of the violence in my home growing up I especially have a huge fear of my kids being physically violent towards me, like if they had a medical condition that made them violent or something. I also have a fear that I will be a bad parent and possibly even abusive like my mom was (it's something a lot of people who grew up in an abusive household worry about). I have a fear of having really bad post-partum depression or psychosis and hurting my child while not in my right mind. Perhaps these are irrational fears based in low self-esteem but for me they are a huge source of anxiety when I think about the future.
And more importantly I don't really feel the "maternal instinct" like I HAVE to have kids or life will be meaningless. My life is fine the way it is. I felt like a piece was missing before I started dating my husband, but I don't feel like a piece is missing because I don't have kids. I have been very open with my husband about these things and the possibility that I might not be able to have kids or be a parent, and we have discussed it many times.
Today I finally decided once and for all, it's never going to happen. 90% of my reason for potentially wanting kids was because he wanted it and I didn't want to give up our relationship, and the other 10% was some kind of FOMO due to society talking about how amazing motherhood is. But those aren't good reasons for bringing a life into the world and making a major life-altering decision. Especially if you aren't sure whether you would be physically able to cope with the demands of motherhood plus a career plus maintaining your own life.
I don't want to have kids and then realize it was a huge mistake. And I definitely don't want to become my parents 2.0. My mom was very open about the fact that she regretted having us and thought that we ruined her life by existing. I never want to put that burden on an innocent child. My dad wanted to have kids in some respects but he wasn't there for us as a dad at many points during our childhood. When my parents got divorced neither of them wanted custody. I doubt that they would have chosen to have kids if they knew how it would be.
I told my husband about it and he was actually supportive. He was already planning for the possibility of surrogacy or adoption so he doesn't have a problem with that part of it. It is unclear what our relationship will look like going forward. Neither of us has any interest in breaking up or ever being with anyone else, but if we did stay together it would have to be unconventional in a way. I told him I don't have a problem with doing other stuff to help out like cooking, cleaning, errands (stuff which I do already), occasional babysitting, even helping out financially. But I don't want the full-time responsibility or legal ties of having a child or to have to handle major parenting decisions or discipline. Which means we will have to legally get divorced in all likelihood. We don't know if we will still live together -- there would be benefits to living together like saving money so he could live in a better school district, and as aforementioned, me being able to help him out with things, but I wouldn't want to cause confusion to his kids either. We're not really sure what it will look like over the next few years.
Overall though, the main thing I feel is huge relief. The thought of having to give birth to and raise kids was a major stress on me and I didn't realize how much stress it was causing me. Deciding that I don't have to makes me feel like I have a whole new lease on life. Before I felt like I only had a few years left to live my own life before it became the property of someone else. I hope that my husband and I can still have a relationship but now that I walked through the "child-free" doorway, I don't think I could ever go back.
Who knew adulthood would be this complicated....
(Obviously no offense to anyone who has kids, if you want kids that's awesome, this is just my personal decision.)
Why not try fostering a child or two to see if both of you still feel the same after a few months? Obviously, don't get violent kids if you are afraid, but it's one way you can help while also seeing if it's something you both still disagree about.3 -
InsertFunnyUsernameHere wrote: »Why not try fostering a child or two to see if both of you still feel the same after a few months? Obviously, don't get violent kids if you are afraid, but it's one way you can help while also seeing if it's something you both still disagree about.
Unfortunately a lot of the foster agencies lie about the kids not being violent because they have a shortage of foster parents. I think I read too many foster kid horror stories on Reddit (because I did research it) to be comfortable with that as an option.
But that aside, at this point I know for sure I don't want kids. My husband and I discussed it today and he said that he has a plan for when he has kids which can work even if he's essentially a single parent. He's ten years older than me so apparently he already planned before he met me for the possibility of if he never found the right person to marry and had to have kids alone. He is planning to get a job where he can work from home (which again is very common in his field) and he said he is willing to give up certain hobbies and outings. I think he should do more research on it but it seems like he has planned it out more than I thought. He also understands why I don't want to go through pregnancy and he said that he would be worried if I went through it too. He has seen my anxiety at its worst and I would most likely have so much anxiety on a daily basis that the stress hormones could possibly harm the baby. He said that if men were the ones who got pregnant, he probably wouldn't want to go through it either. I do still feel kind of guilty about it because of all the things he has done for me over the years and I already feel like I don't contribute enough to the relationship. I wish that I was a different normal person and my life wasn't so complicated.0 -
SurfyFoFurfy wrote: »It is my favourite gif. I don't know if you have realised that yet...
Love me some nacho1 -
now we just won't know which is which thoughis there a glitch in the matrix?
There were always 2. One got shut down earlier this month and disappeared. People started using the 2nd thread when that happened. Drama ensued and it ended up being closed for clean up this week. MFP then decided to confuse everyone and reopened both.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
One has a question mark and the other doesn't. Pick your fave.0 -
What the heck did I do last night?
I'm wondering if I did a little
"sleep eating", my eyes are swollen, my fingers look like sausages and I feel like I could spring a leak at any moment.
Gotta stop lickin' that salt block, lol.1 -
I get nothing done working from home.2
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Gym or beers?0
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liftorgohome wrote: »Gym or beers?
Gym then beers1 -
just look at him, it clearly works
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?SurfyFoFurfy wrote: »CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »SurfyFoFurfy wrote: »It is my favourite gif. I don't know if you have realised that yet...
Love me some nacho
Stretchy pants
Did you tell him they were the lord's cheeps1 -
This handsome guy was traffic flirting and it was flattering and exciting when he missed his exit/turns to follow me to the next stop light......then, he kept following me. It then became creepy and scary. Man, he was really cute too0
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mixed message level = High1
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This handsome guy was traffic flirting and it was flattering and exciting when he missed his exit/turns to follow me to the next stop light......then, he kept following me. It then became creepy and scary. Man, he was really cute too
Sorry I just wanted to let you know your tail light was out2 -
The chicken and spud I need to roast for dinner.6
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wine or beer or gin first?0
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CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
Sorry I just wanted to let you know your tail light was out
Well, gee thanks.....all that driving around trying to get away from you.......You left me on empty.
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Sleep 😴1
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Maybe we can get coffee sometime and I can fill you up, like... emotionally or somethingCaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
Sorry I just wanted to let you know your tail light was out
Well, gee thanks.....all that driving around trying to get away from you.......You left me on empty.
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CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
Maybe we can get coffee sometime and I can fill you up, like... emotionally or somethingCaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
I can feel something brewing between the two of us. Oh and only if there’s like non dairy creamer....or something0 -
CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
Maybe we can get coffee sometime and I can fill you up, like... emotionally or somethingCaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
I can feel something brewing between the two of us. Oh and only if there’s like non dairy creamer....or something
already go some lactaid so we're set! pick you up at 80 -
IslandGal3 wrote: »My Dad. I've been away for a few days, and I miss him.
Im sure he misses you too.. 1 -
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Melissa don't play that0
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is there a glitch in the matrix?
There were always 2. One got shut down earlier this month and disappeared. People started using the 2nd thread when that happened. Drama ensued and it ended up being closed for clean up this week. MFP then decided to confuse everyone and reopened both.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
A well known technique to gain quick acceptance for new, but experienced forum members is to find currently extremely popular threads and create duplicates to try and draw attention to themselves. Been used many-a-time over the years here.3 -
Food and sleep or sleep and food, I'm not picky.0
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RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Food and sleep or sleep and food, I'm not picky.
You sleep better on a full belly...0 -
SirMxyzptlk wrote: »RunHardBeStrong wrote: »Food and sleep or sleep and food, I'm not picky.
You sleep better on a full belly...
True. Pho Tai it is. Then bed.1
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