What's on your mind?

laurenq1991 wrote: »

Real talk:

I was always undecided about having kids. My husband always wanted them (whether he realizes how much work it entails is a different story) and even if he never got married he would want to get a surrogate or adopt.

I grew up in a violent and dysfunctional home and now I have PTSD and OCD. I thought it would get better by the time I was around 30 or so and I would be a fully functional adult, but now I'm 27 and it hasn't really happened yet. Additionally I have only gotten more terrified of pregnancy and parenting over time after doing more research on it. I'm a hypochondriac and I'm afraid of dying in pregnancy or childbirth. I'm also at high risk of post-partum depression (my mom had it and I already know that hormonal changes affect my mood a lot).

Because of the violence in my home growing up I especially have a huge fear of my kids being physically violent towards me, like if they had a medical condition that made them violent or something. I also have a fear that I will be a bad parent and possibly even abusive like my mom was (it's something a lot of people who grew up in an abusive household worry about). I have a fear of having really bad post-partum depression or psychosis and hurting my child while not in my right mind. Perhaps these are irrational fears based in low self-esteem but for me they are a huge source of anxiety when I think about the future.

And more importantly I don't really feel the "maternal instinct" like I HAVE to have kids or life will be meaningless. My life is fine the way it is. I felt like a piece was missing before I started dating my husband, but I don't feel like a piece is missing because I don't have kids. I have been very open with my husband about these things and the possibility that I might not be able to have kids or be a parent, and we have discussed it many times.

Today I finally decided once and for all, it's never going to happen. 90% of my reason for potentially wanting kids was because he wanted it and I didn't want to give up our relationship, and the other 10% was some kind of FOMO due to society talking about how amazing motherhood is. But those aren't good reasons for bringing a life into the world and making a major life-altering decision. Especially if you aren't sure whether you would be physically able to cope with the demands of motherhood plus a career plus maintaining your own life.

I don't want to have kids and then realize it was a huge mistake. And I definitely don't want to become my parents 2.0. My mom was very open about the fact that she regretted having us and thought that we ruined her life by existing. I never want to put that burden on an innocent child. My dad wanted to have kids in some respects but he wasn't there for us as a dad at many points during our childhood. When my parents got divorced neither of them wanted custody. I doubt that they would have chosen to have kids if they knew how it would be.

I told my husband about it and he was actually supportive. He was already planning for the possibility of surrogacy or adoption so he doesn't have a problem with that part of it. It is unclear what our relationship will look like going forward. Neither of us has any interest in breaking up or ever being with anyone else, but if we did stay together it would have to be unconventional in a way. I told him I don't have a problem with doing other stuff to help out like cooking, cleaning, errands (stuff which I do already), occasional babysitting, even helping out financially. But I don't want the full-time responsibility or legal ties of having a child or to have to handle major parenting decisions or discipline. Which means we will have to legally get divorced in all likelihood. We don't know if we will still live together -- there would be benefits to living together like saving money so he could live in a better school district, and as aforementioned, me being able to help him out with things, but I wouldn't want to cause confusion to his kids either. We're not really sure what it will look like over the next few years.

Overall though, the main thing I feel is huge relief. The thought of having to give birth to and raise kids was a major stress on me and I didn't realize how much stress it was causing me. Deciding that I don't have to makes me feel like I have a whole new lease on life. Before I felt like I only had a few years left to live my own life before it became the property of someone else. I hope that my husband and I can still have a relationship but now that I walked through the "child-free" doorway, I don't think I could ever go back.

Who knew adulthood would be this complicated....

(Obviously no offense to anyone who has kids, if you want kids that's awesome, this is just my personal decision.)