Boyfriends and strip clubs

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  • JUDDDing
    JUDDDing Posts: 1,367 Member
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    ...
    we discussed it. He knows he was out of bounds there.
    ...
    I have been lax on the breastaurants
    ...
    I was concerned if my being lax "allowed" him to feel comfortable with the decision to go to a strip club.
    ...
    Then either give him the letter so he can read and digust it on his own without the pressure of us sitting face to face. Or have it in front of me when we talk. I think this will help so that I don't get side-tracked and can get my feelings out there and be done with it.

    You sound like you treat him like a child.
  • Headingforhealthier
    Headingforhealthier Posts: 85
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    I think you should be asking yourself if you'd be proud of your son if he turned into the kind of the man that your current boyfriend is. That should give you your answer.

    ^^^ This. All else is whitewash.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    I think you should be asking yourself if you'd be proud of your son if he turned into the kind of the man that your current boyfriend is. That should give you your answer.

    ^^^ This. All else is whitewash.

    OOOO good one because after all he is the male influence on your son
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    Tons of answers already but I will add my thoughts.

    How about talk to him frankly kind of like how you posted this and make him aware of what you feel, why you feel the way you do and what attributed to those feels (past history with men cheating, etc.) and then ask him what he thinks about what you had to say and if he has an opinion. If he has his own opinion on the situatiion then hear him out and try and get an explaination that can either help you come to a compromise or help you cope. If this is not something you can deal with and he will not compromise then you have an answer to the underlying question.
  • crystalflame
    crystalflame Posts: 1,049 Member
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    Most of my thoughts have already been said, but here's my extra 2 cents:

    The men I know who go to strip clubs and have solid marriages are married to wives who like to go with them. The men I know who go to strip clubs without their wives tend to sneak over there at lunch or lie about where they're going after work so their wives won't yell at them. The men I know who never go to strip clubs are family-oriented and prioritize their children above everything else. These are just my personal encounters and there's always exceptions, but think about which of these types of men you'd like to be married to, and which of these women you'd like to be. Neither of you are going to change the type of person you are, so make sure those people are compatible.

    As for breastraunts... Meh. I have yet to hear any man say they actually go there for the girls. Hooters, Twin Peaks, etc. are places people who frequent them know the sports game will be on and the food will be what they're in the mood for.

    Keep an eye on the drunk driving thing. If he came home that drunk, it either means he didn't realize how late it had gotten and rushed home to you without thinking, or that he does this often enough that he felt comfortable with his intoxication level. He's already tried to hide one thing from you. Make sure he's not lying about this.
  • heathercicle
    heathercicle Posts: 91 Member
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    It's just a strip club... chill out about it. He probably would have told you if you weren't so crazy about it.

    I agree with this statement. The bigger the deal made, the less they want to tell you about it.

    Beside that, it's obvious he will do what he wants so unless you are willing to admit to yourself and to him that you want to control his life, then you'll have to accept that he's going to do things you might not always like. (This is common with relationships when it comes to any form of sex, so I'm not trying to judge you in any way.) That said, he isn't doing anything illegal and he isn't cheating on you, so I feel you have nothing to worry about.

    In closing, talk to him about it. Maybe you shouldn't write him a letter but at least get some of it down on paper for reference for when you do talk to him, since it sounds like you might become flustered or forget important points once the conversation gets started.

    *Side note: This is all meant to be non-judgemental and is coming from a woman with relevant experience in a similar situation. I sincerely hope my advice helps.

    Edit: Also, driving drunk is illegal and extremely dangerous so don't let that slide.
  • branson101
    branson101 Posts: 173 Member
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    Not all, but a majority of women that work in strip clubs are there against their will. The same goes for massage parlors. This is the face of modern slavery. These women are being held captive. Tell your boyfriend to consider that. AND yes, I know that there are some women there by choice. Try visiting some human trafficking websites. They are a real eye opener to how many places you could run into a slave and never realize it. I would definitely not want to have a bf of mine visiting one of those places for that reason. I would also get on him about the drunk driving. The whole afternoon showed a serious lack of judgement, responsibility, and maturity. I were you, I would really consider if this is the type of man you want your son to be.
  • brandylynnnichols
    brandylynnnichols Posts: 9
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    If you're not comfortable with it , then you're not comfortable with it. End of argument. If you have a problem with trust, honesty and what he does for entertainment, it doesn't make you wrong, clinging or a jealous hag, it just means that you and he may not be compatible.
    My advice to you is to seriously consider what you want in a partner (especially since you have an impressionable kid) and then prioritize your list into needs and wants. Determine what you can live with and what you can't and then have a talk with him. If he feels that you are "the one", then it will be worth it to him to curb his appetites to make you feel more comfortable. If not, then as hard as it might be on you emotionally, you might need to keep looking.
    I'm Christian so marrying someone who goes to places like that was not an option. This doesn't mean that my husband is perfect or that I expect him to be perfect. It doesn't even mean that I didn't have some changes to make in order to be respectful of his needs. What it does mean is that knowing what you need in a partner and searching for that is so worth it in the end. My husband and I have been happily married for 18 years!
  • Shaky44
    Shaky44 Posts: 214 Member
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    Not all, but a majority of women that work in strip clubs are there against their will. The same goes for massage parlors. This is the face of modern slavery. These women are being held captive. <snip>

    Here is what I suggest:
    Go into a strip club posing as a customer. Pick out a woman and pay for a lap dance. When you are alone, tell her: "I know you're here against your will, but I'm here to save you." Report back on the response you get.
  • gurlygirlrcr80
    gurlygirlrcr80 Posts: 162 Member
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    I'd be interested to hear his side of the story here...in my option, he's not doing hookers and blow so cut him some slack. He shouldn't lie about it but u can choose to chase off someone u care about over something small or come to a compromise.
  • BroiledNotFried
    BroiledNotFried Posts: 446 Member
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    I would NOT accept a proposal from him. The two of you are one separate plains. Don't ignore your instincts. Men (and women) act a certain way before they are married, with glimpses of their true self coming through. After marraige, the real Joe and Mary come forward. If you do anything, date him for alot longer to see how he acts and if he grows up.

    He disrespected you in so many ways. You worked hard to put a dinner on the table, having it hot, and he blew you off for other naked ladies and a group of guys. Three times a week is crazy. He sounds like a boy-child.

    I have been married 20 years, and very happily. We dated for 3.5 years. Neither of us are the type to "party" or get real drunk. Neither of us are the type to go to strip clubs. We have a great sex life, but that's between us. During our first year of marriage, he came home to tell me that he had to go to a strip club with a bunch of his customers after a user conference. I didn't blow up at him. I understood that business is business. Years later, he came home to admit that when his co-workers asked him to go, he didn't. He thinks those clubs are cheap and nasty. As far as getting drunk, he's had to do that when on business in Korea and Japan. So wasted was he, that he doesn't remember getting on the plane, switching planes. Other than that, he drinks normally, a beer or drink with dinner. Becuase of his work habit and sensibility, he's now at the Senior VP level of a publically traded compnay.

    Oh, he's on a hockey team too. I've been around the rink a fair share in my life. The really good hockey players (think NHL) don't skate drunk, nor do they do alot of drugs that other sport stars do. The reason is that you simply can't skate well and have the responsivenss needed if you are drunk, high, hungover, or dehydrated. That being said, the recreational guys will take a cooler of beer to the rink and have one after. I've been to weekend hockey tournaments for adults and it's so much hockey (think 2 games a day, each weekend day) that they can't drink until after. Yeah, there will be A beer, but AFTER it's all over.

    As far as drinking and driving. You have to be so careful. Not only can your license and insurance be affected, many times companies will fire you on the spot (Coca Cola does too), when you get a ticket. And, many companies will not hire you in the future.
  • 1n2m3g
    1n2m3g Posts: 40 Member
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    drunk driving is a very bad idea
  • Still_Fluffy
    Still_Fluffy Posts: 341 Member
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    1) Take some time to think was a good idea, but don't write a letter. You want him to talk to you about the situation so you're going to write a letter? That math does not add up.
    2) Drunk driving, followed by passing out shows a lack of intelligence and maturity - are you sure this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Are you settling?
    3) Going to a strip club 3-5 times a year seems excessive to me if you're in a loving committed relationship, unless you have a lot of friends getting married. I've never understood the people that go to a strip club just to hang out though.
    4) I don't think it's unreasonable to tell him you're uncomfortable with him going multiple times a week. Once a month even seems excessive. In the end he will make the choice of what is more important, stranger's boobs or yours.
  • DryFlyGirl77
    DryFlyGirl77 Posts: 33 Member
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    When a man visits strip clubs that often, the problem becomes not the actual strip club, but the question of why is he lacking other things in his life (hobbies, interests) so much that he has so much money and time to spend looking at naked women while his woman sits home - dejected, confused, hurt.

    Think about the thought that goes through his head when he recognizes your pain, yet ignores it for the sake of a good time and nothing to do with his boredom. Also think of the example he sets for your kid with that and with the drunk driving. He is lucky (and other motorists on the road unlucky?) that he has not been arrested for a DUI yet.

    In my opinion he is a child, not a man and he has some growing up to do. And why anyone would want to spend time or wait for a proposal from this kind of man is unbeknownst to me. My earnest advice is to move on...as fast as possible.

    You ^^ are a wise person. This isn't really about bars, strip clubs, driving drunk etc...this is about trusting whether this man can treat you the way that you want to be treated over the long run. If he is mature enough to want the things that you want in this life, then he will sacrifice himself in ways so that you are not being hurt. Not hurting you should be his number one priority. He may not be "there" yet in terms of maturity, or he may not share the same values whatsoever. I do not get the notion that you are being *****y or naggy at all. I think that you are struggling with whether you can trust your bf and whether him omitting information because you didn't ask directly is one of those things that you can live with as one of his behaviors. For me, that feels very sneaky and it would bother me greatly. That being said, if you love this man, I really think you both should sit down and talk all of this out, including what your future desires and life plans are. You both deserve to live the lives that you want: with or without each other. I do think you have the right to be upset about this. Whether that makes me a fuddy duddy or whatever. It hurts deeply when you love someone and then they lie to you about going and watching half naked women taking their money and their attention. It makes you feel lousy about yourself and you wonder why you're not good enough. He made a huge mistake by driving drunk home, but I do not think that this should be a reason to break up with him, unless you think that he has a drinking problem..then my advice would be to run as fast as you can if you have a child to care for. I think that he can be forgiven. I think that he can change, but only if HE wants to. I think that you two can work this out if you are both motivated and share the same goals and life vision. Red flags to look for are 1. If he minimizes your pain. 2. He refuses to see any of this from your perspective. 3. He makes it feel like it's your fault that he does the things that he does. As far as the letter goes: I would write it for yourself as a guide, but speak to him in person. It is crucial that all forms of communication are present for this: words, expressions, body language, tone etc.

    I wish you the best. I've been there and have had the EXACT same issues. This is a big deal and it should be dealt with soon and with much care, love, compassion, and truth. Find out if you two are on the same page. If you're not, time to move on.
  • DryFlyGirl77
    DryFlyGirl77 Posts: 33 Member
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    I think I need to be more clear on the drunk driving: it is a HUGE deal, but I have a feeling that the drunk driving is not what is bothering you the most. With that being said, if driving drunk is a habit for him, that is a huge problem. Do not let it slide, but if you feel that it was a huge lapse in judgement and that he promises to never do it again, I would forgive him for that.
  • triathlete5301
    triathlete5301 Posts: 182 Member
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    I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.

    Meh. This might be a convenience thing or just because the other guys are going there. When my husband worked in an office with a lot of male friends, they went to Hooters or Twin Peaks for lunch almost everyday, M-F. Now he works in a small office, takes his lunch half the time, or runs out for fast food the other half. Regardless of his reasoning, unless you share money and bills and his going out (anywhere, not just breastraunts) is causing financial hardship, you've really just got to suck it up.
    My issues are:
    1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.

    This is a big deal and I don't really have any advice. Not cool. He should have called you for a ride or planned for a DD.
    ...my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." .....At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club

    He knows you wouldn't approve. That's why he looked ashamed and wasn't going to tell you. Think about that.
    As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?

    Is there any other behavior that you don't approve of? Basically, anything he's going to catch flack about, he's going to keep to himself.


    Unless you can just accept him going to strip clubs and breastraunts, you two are not a good match. A lot of people would probably disagree but people are going to do what they want to do, and this guy has already proved that to you.

    My husband goes to strip clubs and breastraunts with friends, or with me. Doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm always a little disappointed when I'm not invited, but that's generally b/c some of the other wives or gfs won't go, and they'd all be pissed if there were any women there (besides the strippers, which also piss them off). But you know what? I'm the cool wife.:blushing: These guys want their wives/gfs to come along and they're totally jealous of the fact that DH and some of these other guys not only get shooed out the door to go to the strip club, but their girls want to join them.

    If that's not your thing, that's okay. <b>But it's not going to just stop being his thing. The best piece of advice I can offer anyone even thinking of being married, or even staying in a relationship, is if you aren't happy with this person exactly as they are right now, then you need to move on. Maybe he'll change, but it's not likely and you're better off being with someone who shares your values</b>. You want to be the cool gf/wife! You can't do that when you're with someone who has different ideas about what's appropriate in a relationship. If you can't get past this and be totally content with it, it's in your best interests to move on. Find someone whose idea of guy time is golf or fishing. That way when he wants to go you're saying "go get 'em tiger" or "bring home a big one". You can be the cool wife/gf while his friends, who some of are likely in a poorly matched relationship, envy him b/c they caught sh.it for liking to do something other than hanging with their SOs 24/7.

    GL, OP!:drinker: :flowerforyou:

    ETA: What strip club did he go to? I'm in Dallas and I'm wondering if he at least has good taste! :wink: :laugh:

    This is pretty much what I was going to say. QFT.
  • DryFlyGirl77
    DryFlyGirl77 Posts: 33 Member
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    Most of my thoughts have already been said, but here's my extra 2 cents:

    The men I know who go to strip clubs and have solid marriages are married to wives who like to go with them. The men I know who go to strip clubs without their wives tend to sneak over there at lunch or lie about where they're going after work so their wives won't yell at them. The men I know who never go to strip clubs are family-oriented and prioritize their children above everything else. These are just my personal encounters and there's always exceptions, but think about which of these types of men you'd like to be married to, and which of these women you'd like to be. Neither of you are going to change the type of person you are, so make sure those people are compatible.

    As for breastraunts... Meh. I have yet to hear any man say they actually go there for the girls. Hooters, Twin Peaks, etc. are places people who frequent them know the sports game will be on and the food will be what they're in the mood for.

    Keep an eye on the drunk driving thing. If he came home that drunk, it either means he didn't realize how late it had gotten and rushed home to you without thinking, or that he does this often enough that he felt comfortable with his intoxication level. He's already tried to hide one thing from you. Make sure he's not lying about this.

    :drinker:
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
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    Whatever you do, please don't settle! It sounds like you've invested a LOT of time in this guy, especially with your son. Many women don't get out of relationships that aren't working because of that. But being single is so much better than being with someone who makes you uncomfortable! And I promise you, there are guys out there who don't want to go to these places that objectify women to honor their girlfriend/spouse.

    The best answer i've seen
  • bettacheckyoself
    bettacheckyoself Posts: 570
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    I'm sure the majority has said that strip clubs are just strip clubs, but I'll be honest and say that it would bother me if my husband was going to one. Call me insecure or whatever you want, but I just wouldn't like that one bit, especially if my husband was giving cash to the ladies, and allowing them to give lap dances etc. That money could be used on me !!!
  • purpleroxmysocks
    purpleroxmysocks Posts: 137 Member
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    He not not drink and drive, that is dangerous and it may end up costing you guys a lot of money. Also, he shouldn't eat out that much, that is excessive but trust him. Let him go to strip clubs and restaurants where girls wear low cut shirts. Trust him but I would have a problem with him not telling me that he went to a strip club.

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