Live together before getting married?
Replies
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In the Catholic religion, it's usually required to go to a retreat for a weekend and lots of these questions are discussed amongst couples getting ready to marry. Not to mention you have to meet with your priest for like 6 months (once a week usually) and discuss with them and your fiance about what marriage is, commitment, children, religion, etc.AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
This is exactly what I mean by "communication", you pretty much just elaborated for me, lol. There is a list of questions, something like "106 Questions to Ask Before Marriage" or something. I'm sure it's Googleable. I'll see if I can find it.
My FiL sent it to me and my then-fiance, in hopes one or more of the questions would trip us up and we'd break up, because he hated me.
But all it did was cement that my fiance and I agreed on everything and were perfect for each other. Suck it! Hahaha! 6 years married. Literally never fight. 
ETA: by "fight" I mean large disagreements on any sort of substantial topic. We snipe at each other and might slam a door here and there, but that's always due to one or both of us being tired or stressed by something non-related. Or just hungry. "Hangry".
And guess what? The divorce rate is still about 50%.
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That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
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I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
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Or how about divorce rates rised along with women becoming more prominent in the work force and independent?AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
Maybe. Maybe they would have got mad and broke their commitment. Isn't that what happens in the real world, most marriages end in divorce?
It's true that a large number of marriages end in divorce. But divorces rates started to rise at around the same time cohabitation started to become socially acceptable, and the status quo.
Or at least, "Maybe not", lol.
Just an idea to chew on. It's an interesting parallel, if nothing else.
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fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Seeing other people's perspectives and learning their reasoning behind those perspectives is always interesting, and fun to discuss.
Also, I think people have fallen into the all-or-nothing camp of saying they would never cohabitate before marriage with no negative consequences besides more discussion on differing points of views.
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fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...3 -
Well what would be the difference if in a year they couldn't stand each other? And then divorce?I disagree with it and not for religious reasons. I don't really understand why people would entangle their lives, housing, money, possibly children, with a person that they are not prepared to make a commitment to.
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Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.0 -
fastingrabbit wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.
Really? I'm finding it all quite civil.4 -
For!!!
I actually suggested this with all of my children! Better to know what you're getting into and be 100% sure before you commit to Marriage, which Should be "Until Death Do You Part
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Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.
Really? I'm finding it all quite civil.
I didn't say that it wasn't.0 -
Oh I'm not saying that it can't work the other way. My parents and many of my relatives have done it the other way and are still together. But then again, that was the norm for them when they got married.fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
It wouldn't have worked for me if I married the girlfriend I lived with (3 years). There were deal breakers for both of us and what attracted us to each other in the first place was being kinda of opposite. The more we were together, our beliefs tended to clash a lot which instead of fighting about it, we gave each other the silent treatment. You can only go through that so many times. If we would have been married before living together, we would have been divorced in 3 years.
We mutually believed that it wouldn't work and that if we would have children, there would be conflict of what to teach them.
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Oh I'm not saying that it can't work the other way. My parents and many of my relatives have done it the other way and are still together. But then again, that was the norm for them when they got married.fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
It wouldn't have worked for me if I married the girlfriend I lived with (3 years). There were deal breakers for both of us and what attracted us to each other in the first place was being kinda of opposite. The more we were together, our beliefs tended to clash a lot which instead of fighting about it, we gave each other the silent treatment. You can only go through that so many times. If we would have been married before living together, we would have been divorced in 3 years.
We mutually believed that it wouldn't work and that if we would have children, there would be conflict of what to teach them.
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That's interesting -- thanks for fleshing out your position, and for sharing the background story too.2 -
I'm not against people living together before marriage, but I think too often people rush into it out of convenience (lease is up, cheaper to live together) than because they're really ready for that level of commitment. I seriously regret letting my ex-boyfriend move in. It prolonged our crumbling relationship because I now had all these other silly things to worry about - furniture, rebudgeting, stupid stuff like having to do the dishes... I wanted him gone, but it took longer than it should have for me to come to terms with living in a house without a sofa for a while. It took him a whole friggin month to move out, too.
I didn't combine households with my husband until after we were married, but by the time we got engaged we were spending every night together, helping each other with housework, and discussing finances. We knew we'd live together well, but if we had suddenly decided being together wasn't right for whatever reason, he still had his stuff and a place to live. Not being needlessly committed before we were truly ready to commit was much better for me.5 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.
Really? I'm finding it all quite civil.
It is civil, I agree. But I think what @fastingrabbit was saying is that the traditionalist voices are almost always in the minority at MFP, and usually met with some considerable pushback from the liberal majority. And @ninerbuff, being a longtime poster and member of MFP, is well aware of this cultural split at MFP. Consequently he must have known that the support for co-habitation before (or instead of) formal marriage would be what's voiced amongst the most prolific MFP posters on this thread.
I'm new, so I don't know enough yet to say that the traditionalist voices are almost always in the minority at MFP. However, give me a few months, and I may say just that!
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Or I was interested in ACTUALLY what others think. I'm sure if there more people above 50 years old responding, the split would be pretty even.Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.
Really? I'm finding it all quite civil.
It is civil, I agree. But I think what @fastingrabbit was saying is that the traditionalist voices are almost always in the minority at MFP, and usually met with some considerable pushback from the liberal majority. And @ninerbuff, being a longtime poster and member of MFP, is well aware of this cultural split at MFP. Consequently he must have known that the support for co-habitation before (or instead of) formal marriage would be what's voiced amongst the most prolific MFP posters on this thread.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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If you feel like it's the right call, do it. If you feel like it's not, don't.
Personally, my boyfriend and I lived apart for the first two years of dating. The next year after that we essentially lived together, but I still had my own apartment (which we honestly mainly used as a place to party and crash after going out -- this was in college and my apartment was walking distance to the bars, his wasn't). We've been really living together for about a year and a half now, and it works well for us.
I tend to be a very "live and let live" kind of person -- I think it's a good approach to most of life.0 -
Or I was interested in ACTUALLY what others think. I'm sure if there more people above 50 years old responding, the split would be pretty even.Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »Alatariel75 wrote: »fastingrabbit wrote: »
That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »NorthCascades wrote: »AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
Can you elaborate on this idea?
I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.
Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.
A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.
Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.
They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I can't help but wonder what prompted you to begin this interesting discussion in the first place. It seems like you already have your mind made up.
And I see that most of the people on this thread support the idea of cohabitating first - so much so, that I doubt anyone with a contrary view would be prepared to say they're in the all-or-nothing camp.
Plenty of people have said that they are not in favour of living together before marriage...
There have been a handful, but definitely the minority.
What I mean, in particular, is that most people, upon reading this thread, who hold a no-cohabitating preference would see OP's stated position (and the most-commonly expressed view), and would probably want to keep their unpopular views to themselves.
Really? I'm finding it all quite civil.
It is civil, I agree. But I think what @fastingrabbit was saying is that the traditionalist voices are almost always in the minority at MFP, and usually met with some considerable pushback from the liberal majority. And @ninerbuff, being a longtime poster and member of MFP, is well aware of this cultural split at MFP. Consequently he must have known that the support for co-habitation before (or instead of) formal marriage would be what's voiced amongst the most prolific MFP posters on this thread.
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Yes, and speaking of what 'our elders' would think . . . Chesterton's quote would apply -- something to the effect that tradition is like a big democracy, where even those who have died get a vote about how to do things. He was a big fan of doing things traditionally (and monogamy) (and Catholicism) (and beer).0 -
I never thought I'd marry someone I hadn't lived with. Then again I never thought I'd marry someone eight months after meeting him. But those things happened. And I'm happy. We're happy. To each his own.2
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I think it's a good idea to live together first, although people can surprise you no matter how well you think you know them. I lived with both my husbands before marriage, and divorced both, who turned out to be not such fabulous people.
In my experience buying a house together is a much bigger practical commitment than marriage (not spiritual, of course). Added at least two hellish years to my first marriage.2 -
People don't live together before marriage? That's very... 18th century1
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Absolutely. I've been "living in sin" with my guy for 11 years, together 23...we might get married this year...or not....lol!2
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You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. I highly recommend living together first. You don't truly know that person until you have shared space.3
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I lived with my wife and her sister for a year before we were married. Interestingly, I found out at the time she was definitely not ready for a serious commitment. So I moved out and we ended up back together at a later point.
So definitely worth it.1 -
We've lived together for 3 years. I don't know if we'll ever get married.0
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Noooooo! Just look at the statistics. Marraiges where people lived together first are twice as likely to end in divorce. That's because in living together first you've already made a compromise on your commitment level to the other person. If you are truely committed to your spouse to be, then you will make the effort necessary to get through the inevitable struggles once you are married. I say don't live together first but get some quality pre-maritial counseling to help both parties to go into the marriage on the right foot.1
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peteaxelson wrote: »Noooooo! Just look at the statistics. Marraiges where people lived together first are twice as likely to end in divorce. That's because in living together first you've already made a compromise on your commitment level to the other person. If you are truely committed to your spouse to be, then you will make the effort necessary to get through the inevitable struggles once you are married. I say don't live together first but get some quality pre-maritial counseling to help both parties to go into the marriage on the right foot.
Actually, newer studies refute this. Older studies tended to just compare and contrast cohabitation vs marriage...newer studies take into account the age at which the couples get together whether that's in cohabitation or marriage and have found no discernible difference. Newer studies show age to be the most critical factor...early entry into either marriage or cohabitation before the age of 23 is the most critical factor in divorce with statistics being pretty much the same for cohabitants or married couples.5 -
peteaxelson wrote: »...in living together first you've already made a compromise on your commitment level to the other person. If you are truely committed to your spouse to be, then you will make the effort necessary to get through the inevitable struggles once you are married.
Too much religious overtone to consider this sound advice. Anecdotally I know a lot of friends who lived together before marriage without any issue, and I know plenty of friends who waited until marriage and wish they would have lived together before to get a glimpse of what they were in for.
To each their own.
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kschwab0203 wrote: »I say yes.
That being said, I lived with my husband for 2 years prior to getting married and we divorced after 13 years of marriage.
Exactly the same for me.
I'd live with someone again. But why bother with the marriage part?0 -
Probably the way my family (including vast network of extended) is, but I've always seen marriage as that last step in affirming everything you both already know about your commitment to one another, like hey! We're both 100% committed to each other emotionally, financially and physically so now I guess we mine-swell make it official. My parents lived together for 9/10 years before getting married and having kids. Two of my cousins were living with and owned houses with their partners before they got married, and another cousin is currently living with, owns a house with, and has a 10 year old kid with her partner of 20 years, happily together not feeling the need to get married, and that's probably the direction I'll go in as well. I'd rather feel comfortable enough to do all those things with someone before we're married and then sort of celebrate all of that with a marriage at the end 0
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