Live together before getting married?

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  • siraphine
    siraphine Posts: 185 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    PowerMan40 wrote: »
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Fellas, don't sign up for this.

    Then joint bank account.

    Then monthly allowance.

    Then before you realize 1/3rd of your monthly income goes to a mortgage.

    And it's always "our" monthly income. Any slip of the tongue on our versus my results in funny conversations where you always apologize at the end looking into a cute face.

    Take it from the learned one ;)

    This sounds more like forced slavery, than a relationship
    It was written in humour, powerman. My quality of life is way better and everyone needs the infrastructure to start a family. I'd have turned 40 with no family but plenty of clothes and shoes.

    The underlying message is be prepared to compromise and make sacrifices. It is a partnership. I am glad I settled down. I was just living without any clear direction.

    Absolutely. Both parties bring something to the relationship. If one person sucks with money and the other is good with it, its super beneficial for both for them to put forth some leadership in the financial department.
  • Nikki10129
    Nikki10129 Posts: 292 Member
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    I don't think it's the be all end all but I personally wouldn't marry someone until I lived with them - and lived with them for a few years. Sure marriages fall apart all the time, whether you've lived together beforehand or not, but it's just one less unknown I'd like squared away before becoming legally committed to another person.
  • nolan44219
    nolan44219 Posts: 1,221 Member
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    Yes to living together
  • NorthCascades
    NorthCascades Posts: 10,968 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    You can live together before marriage and stay where... in an apartment?? Your only contract is a lease for 12 months. And your worst fights on who does dishes and who drank more milk and who doesn't cook.

    Did you know people who aren't married have children and stay together fairly often?
  • Nikki10129
    Nikki10129 Posts: 292 Member
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    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    On a serious response, I disagree with the OP.

    Cohabitation does nothing. People still split and move on.

    Women are earning more and more and the gender gap is catching up in the workforce. And also, divorce is higher after an investment is made and financial strain starts - a house most notably.

    You can live together before marriage and stay where... in an apartment?? Your only contract is a lease for 12 months. And your worst fights on who does dishes and who drank more milk and who doesn't cook.

    Biggest causes of divorce are mortgages, child care, fidelity and unemployment.... financial stress is high up there. Fin stress can be more pungent if there is a viable marriage contract. Cohabitation is pointless - don't be hoodwinked by fake online studies.

    I do think that's an oversimplification, especially in this day and age. I mean of course a mortgage is a much larger commitment than a lease financially, but there are plenty of financial commitments in an apartment. Rent certainly isn't cheap, especially if you desire a certain level of sophistication from an apartment, plus you have monthly amenities, phone bills, car payments if you have a car together. One or both may be paying off 10's of thousands of dollars in student loans, whether it's joint or not, it's certainly a strain on both partners. You get to see spending habits, up close and personal. I think it's a pretty good financial indicator, because if my partner can't manage their finances while we're renting an apartment I certainly don't want to sign on to own a house with them.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    We lived together for several months before we were married, but not until after we were engaged with a set date. There was already a certain level of commitment there, so it was more serious than just trying each other out. We clicked really well from day one. Living together ahead of time wasn't really necessary, but it could be very enlightening for some, I'm sure.

    I know quite a few people who have moved in with boyfriends with no set expectations of where things were headed, and many, many of them just never progressed. Their guys just got the idea that things were good enough the way they were, so why take it to the next step?

    I think that if you have an understanding that there is a definite future with clear plans for where your relationship is headed, then it's a good idea to test the waters ahead of time. But if you're just shacking up and winging it, I'm not sure it would be helpful. I guess that depends of the individuals involved. :)

  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    NorthCascades wrote: »
    Of course people should live together before they commit to living together for the rest of their lives.

    But then I'm usually a "more info makes for better decisions" kind of guy.
    Lots of "old school" traditionalists think it's a bad idea.
    I figure in another 50 years, it will be the norm.

    It's the norm now.

    And in 50 years, if the trend continues, formal and legally binding marriages will probably no longer exist in Western societies.

    Marriages and traditional families in the West will exist only amongst folks who believe in and practice Abrahamic and Hindu religions.


    Not everybody gets married for religious reasons. Marriage is a commitment between two people. Many people are naturally monogamous and drawn to lifelong partnerships on their own. People who get married and stay married because they think they "have to" are kind of sad to me. I don't think you should do it if it's not right for you. I'm not "trapped" by some kind of religious code. I made a formal commitment to my partner of my own free will. Marriage is not only symbolic of our personal bond, but it conveys legal rights and responsibilities as well. Plus, it's pretty awesome when you snag the right partner! <3
  • vanmep
    vanmep Posts: 410 Member
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    I disagree with it and not for religious reasons. I don't really understand why people would entangle their lives, housing, money, possibly children, with a person that they are not prepared to make a commitment to.
  • thisonetimeatthegym
    thisonetimeatthegym Posts: 1,977 Member
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    vanmep wrote: »
    I disagree with it and not for religious reasons. I don't really understand why people would entangle their lives, housing, money, possibly children, with a person that they are not prepared to make a commitment to.

    This.
  • greeneyedfurball
    greeneyedfurball Posts: 23 Member
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    I'm for it. I lived with my guy prior to marriage, and we've been married 32 years. I wouldn't want to commit to a relationship for the rest of my life without having as much info as possible.
  • Nikki10129
    Nikki10129 Posts: 292 Member
    edited December 2016
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    vanmep wrote: »
    I disagree with it and not for religious reasons. I don't really understand why people would entangle their lives, housing, money, possibly children, with a person that they are not prepared to make a commitment to.

    My counter argument to do is why would you commit to what is essentially supposed to be "forever" with someone if I don't know how we'll fare when our lives become entangled. Just because you aren't married to someone doesn't mean you aren't prepared to make a commitment.

    Not something either of us will change the other person's mind about, but just the other side of the coin!
  • Savyna
    Savyna Posts: 789 Member
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    I live with my family, but my boyfriend will stay over on the weekend sometimes. We wouldn't be living together fully though until after marriage. Thankfully though we talk a lot about anything and everything so even if we don't live together 24/7 I know a lot about him.
  • ShammersPink
    ShammersPink Posts: 215 Member
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    Live together. Sod marriage.
  • madguru7
    madguru7 Posts: 37 Member
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    The problem is with the question. Why is anyone getting married in the first place? It's a prison.
  • alyssa0061
    alyssa0061 Posts: 652 Member
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    Sure, you can, if you want.

    Or, not... If you want.

    You can choose to get married.

    Or not.
  • fastingrabbit
    fastingrabbit Posts: 90 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    madguru7 wrote: »
    The problem is with the question. Why is anyone getting married in the first place? It's a prison.

    Personally I think having offspring is more of a life sentence then the institution of marriage and I haven't done either (other than a common law shack up years ago). But since replicating oneself is all the rage, marriage - with its bonds, its structure and its built in legal protections for the more vulnerable parties - has its benefits.

    Yikes. Having children is most definitely NOT "replicating oneself." Each person is unique and irreplaceable. The bonds formed between generations is a very good thing.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,663 Member
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    AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »
    Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.
    I don't know. There are some habits and behaviors that aren't seen until 2 people live together. And what if they can't really tolerate it? Or there's no real compromise?

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  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,663 Member
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    thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »
    NorthCascades wrote: »
    AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »
    Nope. I'm totally old-school. Any potential benefit from living together beforehand can be just as easily achieved with proper communication and respect before the marriage. JMO.

    Can you elaborate on this idea?

    I think a lot of what matters between people is the sum total of small interactions. The stuff that's difficult to put into words. The positivity or negativity people show each other through body language, facial expression, etc.

    Very often, people behave differently when they're alone than they do when they're not, for many reasons. I knew two people who were tidy and cleanly, but when they live together each of them thought the other wasn't doing their fair share, and then they both refused to do house work. They lived in a pig stie briefly and then split up.

    A lot of the time, in hindsight it feels like something should have been obvious, but, before it happens, no one thinks to ask.

    Now imagine if they had gotten married and committed to staying together.

    They would have gotten mad and figured out a solution, some equitable division of labor they could both live with.
    That's not always the case. Lots of people before marriage will "commit" to that person. The intention is totally there. But sometimes getting mad and always feeling that way in a marriage dissolves feelings regardless of how much 2 people try. And many times it's just small things and nothing major that causes this.

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