Live together before getting married?

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  • thisonetimeatthegym
    thisonetimeatthegym Posts: 1,977 Member
    vada44 wrote: »
    No sir. My husband wanted to live together then get married after a year. I politely told him that I would stay with my mother until he was ready to make the total commitment and not do a trial run. I never wanted someone to say to me while just living together "you are not my wife". We have been happily married for 25 years!!!

    Friend requested.
  • Heartisalonelyhunter
    Heartisalonelyhunter Posts: 786 Member
    edited December 2016
    I think it's a good idea to live together first. You really don't know what someone is like until you live with them. It's a bit like not sleeping with someone until you're married - wtf would anyone do that? You could be totally incompatible.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,427 Member
    peteaxelson wrote: »
    Noooooo! Just look at the statistics. Marraiges where people lived together first are twice as likely to end in divorce. That's because in living together first you've already made a compromise on your commitment level to the other person. If you are truely committed to your spouse to be, then you will make the effort necessary to get through the inevitable struggles once you are married. I say don't live together first but get some quality pre-maritial counseling to help both parties to go into the marriage on the right foot.

    Those statistics are old. They also don't tend to take into account that a lot of the reason people don't live together before marriage is also a lot of the reason those same people don't get divorced - religious beliefs.

    So people who don't live together first are more likely to also not believe in divorce. So people who don't hold those religious beliefs and do believe in divorce are not going to find any advantage in not living together first.
  • elle_bear_11
    elle_bear_11 Posts: 246 Member
    Yes. I respect those who dont..but i respect those who do.

    I got married at 19 without having lived together due to traditionalist family. I lived in a fake world to everyone under his control and in fear..with no love. I ran away after 3 years to never come back losing everything i owned to start over across the world. I always think..how did i not see it before?

    Now..i have the most amazing boyfriend and live with him..i am so lucky today..
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together. That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".
  • ilfaith
    ilfaith Posts: 16,769 Member
    My husband and I didn't officially move in together until we were engaged, but we spent most nights together in one apartment or the other beforehand. I would have probably moved in with him sooner...but my roommate was performing on a cruise ship, and I wanted to wait until her contract was up and she returned so she could find someone else to share the rent, rather than leave her stuck.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,050 Member
    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together.
    But people don't have to married to touch each other. There are lots of christians that have had kids out of wedlock.
    That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".
    Well I know lots of christian families who are divorced after 30 years of marriage or less who married under traditional beliefs. Many stayed together that long because of religion and not because they were happy in their marriage. And could that be worse? Ask anyone dating after 40 if it's easier than when they were in their 20's.

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  • tcunbeliever
    tcunbeliever Posts: 8,219 Member
    YES - it's easier to get rid of them if you aren't married.
  • JustMissTracy
    JustMissTracy Posts: 6,338 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together.
    But people don't have to married to touch each other. There are lots of christians that have had kids out of wedlock.
    That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".
    Well I know lots of christian families who are divorced after 30 years of marriage or less who married under traditional beliefs. Many stayed together that long because of religion and not because they were happy in their marriage. And could that be worse? Ask anyone dating after 40 if it's easier than when they were in their 20's.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
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    OMG, I don't think I could start the dating scene again at 47 years old. For so many reasons!
  • chocolate_owl
    chocolate_owl Posts: 1,695 Member
    edited December 2016
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together.
    But people don't have to married to touch each other. There are lots of christians that have had kids out of wedlock.
    That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".
    Well I know lots of christian families who are divorced after 30 years of marriage or less who married under traditional beliefs. Many stayed together that long because of religion and not because they were happy in their marriage. And could that be worse? Ask anyone dating after 40 if it's easier than when they were in their 20's.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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    My parents divorced after 33 years of marriage - they didn't have sex or live together before they were married due to their religious beliefs. It was great for the first 15 years or so, bumpy for the next 15, and terrible for the last 3. I don't think they would have stuck it out so long if it wasn't for their Christian ideals, and they would have been happier.

    My mom is casually dating in what little free time she has between getting her Master's degree and volunteering with a nonprofit in Africa, but she doesn't really want to be committed to anyone right now. My dad's "living in sin" with his fiancee - they don't intend to get married any time soon (and by that I mean YEARS), but he felt like if he was going to move in with her she should at least have a ring. I know people change as time goes on, but him announcing he was moving in with her really bewildered me. It was so against everything he had preached at me growing up.

    That said, my in-laws subscribed to the same Christian ideals. They were married for 62 years before my FIL passed this year, and they had the best marriage I've ever seen. Marriage is complex, and you can't know what life will throw at you or how you'll evolve over the years.
  • CSARdiver
    CSARdiver Posts: 6,252 Member
    NorthCascades wrote: »
    AllOutof_Bubblegum wrote: »
    *Epic sigh*

    Holy crap! You flew off the handle because you made a point and I made a counter point!

    We're talking about ideas. On a forum made for talking. You need thick enough skin to be able to deal with other people not agreeing with you sometimes. :wink:

    You two should definitely sign a pre-nup.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,427 Member
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together.
    But people don't have to married to touch each other. There are lots of christians that have had kids out of wedlock.
    That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".
    Well I know lots of christian families who are divorced after 30 years of marriage or less who married under traditional beliefs. Many stayed together that long because of religion and not because they were happy in their marriage. And could that be worse? Ask anyone dating after 40 if it's easier than when they were in their 20's.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
    9285851.png




    The two most Catholic people in my family are an aunt and a cousin. Aunt married 4 times, has 5 kids, one of the kids' dad is not one of the 4 husbands. The cousin had her first baby at 16, and has been divorced twice. Funnily, it doesn't stop her judging the *kitten* out of everyone else.
  • GiddyupTim
    GiddyupTim Posts: 2,819 Member
    You've set the question up in such a way that if someone says 'no' it is implied that their relationships are doomed to failure.
    I never actually resided at the same address with my wife before we got married. But there were no surprises. That was 27 years ago.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,050 Member
    GiddyupTim wrote: »
    You've set the question up in such a way that if someone says 'no' it is implied that their relationships are doomed to failure.
    I never actually resided at the same address with my wife before we got married. But there were no surprises. That was 27 years ago.
    So in other words it's worked for you. That's great. My parents did the same. I chose a different path. I have family members who are married now who did it traditional and also lived together first.
    I gave my experience with it and others are giving theirs. I don't think there's any right or wrong way. There just may be a preferred way and it's interesting to hear people's views on it.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    TonyB0588 wrote: »
    Haven't read this whole thread but my answer is based on Christian values I've upheld all my life. No I wouldn't live together before marriage, because the temptation would be too great to do the things married people do while alone together. So we got married at 22 and 23 without having touched each other, and each moved from our parent's houses straight in to our own together. That was 28 years ago and we're still married, in contrast to all the horror stories that are described as today's "normal".

    My parents were married when my mom was 18 and my dad was 21...they were both Christians...my dad was an associate pastor at our church and held weekly Bible studies at the house...they divorced after 26 years of marriage.

    I don't really think it has anything to do with Christian or not Christian and has nothing to do with whether a couple cohabitates before marriage or not...they have the same divorce rates.
  • crackpotbaby
    crackpotbaby Posts: 1,297 Member
    I've lived with my partner for 14 yrs without being married.

    Commitment is commitment regardless of legal status.

    You're either committed or you're not.

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