Losing Vanity Weight... HELP
Replies
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Honey who made you feel like you are so far from good enough that you need to treat yourself like this. It can't feel very nice.
Don't you remember a time when you weren't feeling a compulsion to weigh yourself in case it had changed? When your days and thoughts weren't constantly about fear of weight and not trusting yourself with it?
Going on the way you are I think you know isn't going to end well for you. It's not going to end with you happy and safe. It's not going to result in you feeling loved or valued or anything like it.
It's like an addiction. Food obsessing. Whether witholding or binging. It's exactly the same headset. It's just expressed outwardly in different ways. And it's a prison that you lock yourself in and need someone else to help you get out of.
Don't listen to the judgment of the previous replies. This is not your fault. You are not to blame. This is the result of a whole series of things that other people did wrong. You just got trapped into perpetuating it.
It doesn't sound like you are at all ready to recognise that there is something wrong with how your life works right now. But you posted so openly I can't help but hear a small voice asking for help. Asking to be told she is ok.
You are ok and you can be better.
It's not your body or how it looks that is making you feel unhappy.
Find a therapist that specialises in the complexity of eating disorders. If you aren't ready for that then start finding people to talk to about it that are emotionally authentic and emotionally mature.
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Maybe next time I will first read the whole thread
Stephanie do play that what if game.
Your answers and reasons that you have given so far are not good enough to warrant taking risks with your health. Yet you are taking risks with your health in spite of that.
At the risk of contradicting someone more knowledgeable than myself I would disagree with @psuLemon's advice to not eat back exercise calories while eating 1600, especially if you continue to do cardio like you have been.
Yes, PCOS means less calories; knock 200 from ~2500.
Yes, VLCD level weight loss means adaptation, knock another 200-300.
Yes, non accurate measurement = maybe knock another ~50 (given that she should average close to the bag weights over time and accounting for some overfilling of said bags)
Still, Stephanie ends up closer to 1900 than 1600. Plus the cardio.
So I can see you advising 1900 and ignore the cardio or 1600 and add exercise; but not agreeing with your 1600 plus no exercise. At least not long term.
Reverse dieting as per campus nutrition person sounds like a great idea!
Your original post Stephanie does not sound like you're listening to said good advice given that losing 50 million lbs by Christmas does not jive with you reverse dieting to a higher calorie maintenance!
These people are paid to give you good advice... they don't seem to be steering you wrong... may be worthwhile to listen to them!
So to give some additional context in why I did not suggest eating back exercise calories is rather simple: 1. the OP does not weigh her foods. So the 1600 is probably going to be higher, and 2. it's a baseline. If she would lose weight at those levels, she would need to increase her calories until it stopped to work a recomp. It's not a long term goal, but rather an iterative process. And I probably should have denoted that to the OP. It's 1600 for 3-4 weeks. If there is still weight loss, add another 200 calories until the weight stops to do an effective recomp.
I didn't suggest a large increase in calories due to the medial issues and it would freak out the OP, IMO. It's very similar to bulking. It's a hard mindset to grasp and can cause greater issues when people see a large jump on the scale (especially when it comes to a girl who does it 6-8x a day; which BTW, is one sign of an ED OP. I have several friends with a history of various ED and as an RA in college dealt with several residents with them as well, so I have a good baseline of knowledge on identifying them), so taking a tapered approach would probably be more ideal. The thought process is to demonstrate to a person that they can eat larger amounts of calories and not see major movements on the scale. Essentially, it's validating the math and seeing how the body responds to an appropriate amount of calories.5 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »sfaust2196 wrote: »Thanks for the answer! I definitely just want to look smaller and thought being in the 130s would achieve that but if I could look skinnier in the 140s I would take it! What is a recomp? My maintenance is 2491 calories which I CANNOT eat, I would gain five pounds in a day and 10 pounds by the end of the week. I ate 1700 by accident last week because I forgot to add a snack and gained .8 pounds. What do you suggest as a calorie intake? If I cut back on cardio can I just keep doing 1500?
Thanks!!
You don't gain 0.8lbs of fat in a day by eating 1700 calories by accident unless that is an extra 1700 calories above your maintenance and even then.
You have an unrealistic expectation of how weight fluctuates.
Start weighing every day in the morning under the same conditions and after using the bathroom and before eating or drinking and record the information in a trending weight app. Get past the scale weight obsession of thinking that there will be no fluctuations on a day to day basis and focus on your weight level.
You are at a normal body weight. Whether your goals make any sense or not, I cannot know. One thing I DO know and that is that the rate/speed you want to achieve them at is NOT achievable. The more firmly you are in the normal weight spectrum, and you are, the more effort is required for marginal changes.
Recomp has been mentioned. Might make you much happier...
I do weigh myself every day... about 6-8 times a day actually! ALWAYS every morning when I get up after using the bathroom, naked. This is where I got the .8 pound difference. I weigh myself throughout the day as well, and always at night before going to sleep (again naked after using bathroom). I gain as much as 6-10 pounds throughout the day in water and food, and then usually pee it all out and am 2-3 pounds heavier at night. Then I lose this. The 2 pounds I gained is from morning to morning weight so should be somewhat accurate.
You try and claim you don't have disordered thinking but you think this is normal behaviour?!
this! OP, you can't possibly think weighing yourself 6-8 times per day is ideal/healthy/"normal" behaviour??3 -
Y'all are way too nice.
OP, you weigh yourself too damned much. If an increase in weight when weighing on the same day or a couple days in between freaks you out that much, once a week will keep you saner.
If you don't like your current therapist, find someone else you're more comfortable with but don't expect the new therapist to see things the way you do. Your current one wasn't off the mark in his questions.
You're wayyyy too concerned about looking "great". First of all, if that's you in your icon, there's nothing wrong with you. Second, looks aren't everything and a FEMALE with that kind of attitude....ugh, I just can't. I do agree it's more time for a recomp than to lose more weight.
Also, are you on birth control? I had (have? Does it go away?) Pcos and I was put on the Pill to make my periods regular otherwise it could have turned cancerous.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look your best if you work hard for it
And they tried the pill but it did not work. I am aware of the cancer risks but unfortunately nothing is working so I do not have many options or control over the situation. What I do have control over is my body and eating healthy.1 -
ChampagneBurst wrote: »Honey who made you feel like you are so far from good enough that you need to treat yourself like this. It can't feel very nice.
Don't you remember a time when you weren't feeling a compulsion to weigh yourself in case it had changed? When your days and thoughts weren't constantly about fear of weight and not trusting yourself with it?
Going on the way you are I think you know isn't going to end well for you. It's not going to end with you happy and safe. It's not going to result in you feeling loved or valued or anything like it.
It's like an addiction. Food obsessing. Whether witholding or binging. It's exactly the same headset. It's just expressed outwardly in different ways. And it's a prison that you lock yourself in and need someone else to help you get out of.
Don't listen to the judgment of the previous replies. This is not your fault. You are not to blame. This is the result of a whole series of things that other people did wrong. You just got trapped into perpetuating it.
It doesn't sound like you are at all ready to recognise that there is something wrong with how your life works right now. But you posted so openly I can't help but hear a small voice asking for help. Asking to be told she is ok.
You are ok and you can be better.
It's not your body or how it looks that is making you feel unhappy.
Find a therapist that specialises in the complexity of eating disorders. If you aren't ready for that then start finding people to talk to about it that are emotionally authentic and emotionally mature.
Thank you for your advice ❤️0 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »Y'all are way too nice.
OP, you weigh yourself too damned much. If an increase in weight when weighing on the same day or a couple days in between freaks you out that much, once a week will keep you saner.
If you don't like your current therapist, find someone else you're more comfortable with but don't expect the new therapist to see things the way you do. Your current one wasn't off the mark in his questions.
You're wayyyy too concerned about looking "great". First of all, if that's you in your icon, there's nothing wrong with you. Second, looks aren't everything and a FEMALE with that kind of attitude....ugh, I just can't. I do agree it's more time for a recomp than to lose more weight.
Also, are you on birth control? I had (have? Does it go away?) Pcos and I was put on the Pill to make my periods regular otherwise it could have turned cancerous.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look your best if you work hard for it
And they tried the pill but it did not work. I am aware of the cancer risks but unfortunately nothing is working so I do not have many options or control over the situation. What I do have control over is my body and eating healthy.
The bolded is a huge red flag. I'm far from an expert on EDs, but this mindset is not healthy. Please, please, please seek out a therapist who specializes in EDs.
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Thank you guys for your advice.
Growing up, I have never been naturally thin. My grandma made sure well I knew that I was the "big sister," that she was worried about my clothes fitting, that I was "built heavy," that my sister and I could never possibly share clothes because there was "no way" they would fit us both. I am seeing her this Christmas for the first time in over a year and want nothing more than her approval. Don't ask me why- I know she is just a judgmental, posssibly insecure, old woman. That does not stop the pain.
I was sick of being "bigger"," being worse, not good enough. I was sick of worrying if I would hurt people by sitting on their lap, or having to be lifted during spirit games in high school, or god forbid accidentally stepped on someone's toes. I was sick of having fear of eating dessert in front of others in case they were all thinking, "why is that chubby girl doing that to her body?!" I was sick of being afraid to ever have a boyfriend or get close to everyone because God forbid, they had to see my stomach. Not to mention having anxiety about going to the beach with friends and having anyone see my pudge. I was sick of being the one that obese friends thought they could relate to- asking me to borrow a shirt, or joke about how much we love food. I was sick of hating myself and what I saw in the mirror everyday and not being able to do anything about it.
I was sick of it all and most of all sick of being disgusted with my own body, and I needed a change and maybe now I am sick in my mind according to some of you but I'm not sure what else is to be done about it. Please know that I am not a girl self-absorbed with herself, or her looks. I am generous and thoughtful and smart and funny and caring and I sometimes wish that this didn't happen to me but it did.
I really did not think I was doing anything wrong but now that you point it out I see how it can be viewed as borderline obsessive. I'm sorry and I will try to be better.
Thank you.3 -
You say you lost 35 pounds in 18 months. That's less than half a pound per week. Why do you expect to suddenly lose several pounds by Christmas (less than two weeks away)?
You lost slow and steady and presumably in a healthy manner before. Why are you in such a rush now?0 -
You seem very scared about weight and calories in general.
I recommend reevaluating your goals in life (outside of appearance), and then maybe talk to a therapist.1 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »Thank you guys for your advice.
Growing up, I have never been naturally thin. My grandma made sure well I knew that I was the "big sister," that she was worried about my clothes fitting, that I was "built heavy," that my sister and I could never possibly share clothes because there was "no way" they would fit us both. I am seeing her this Christmas for the first time in over a year and want nothing more than her approval. Don't ask me why- I know she is just a judgmental, posssibly insecure, old woman. That does not stop the pain.
I was sick of being "bigger"," being worse, not good enough. I was sick of worrying if I would hurt people by sitting on their lap, or having to be lifted during spirit games in high school, or god forbid accidentally stepped on someone's toes. I was sick of having fear of eating dessert in front of others in case they were all thinking, "why is that chubby girl doing that to her body?!" I was sick of being afraid to ever have a boyfriend or get close to everyone because God forbid, they had to see my stomach. Not to mention having anxiety about going to the beach with friends and having anyone see my pudge. I was sick of being the one that obese friends thought they could relate to- asking me to borrow a shirt, or joke about how much we love food. I was sick of hating myself and what I saw in the mirror everyday and not being able to do anything about it.
I was sick of it all and most of all sick of being disgusted with my own body, and I needed a change and maybe now I am sick in my mind according to some of you but I'm not sure what else is to be done about it. Please know that I am not a girl self-absorbed with herself, or her looks. I am generous and thoughtful and smart and funny and caring and I sometimes wish that this didn't happen to me but it did.
I really did not think I was doing anything wrong but now that you point it out I see how it can be viewed as borderline obsessive. I'm sorry and I will try to be better.
Thank you.
Is your sister as tall as you? I'm 5'11" and in high school, when I was close to underweight, I still felt huge next to the "tiny" 5'5" girls in my class. You're tall, you're going to weigh more than someone shorter because you will always have more body than someone shorter. This is one of the cases where it is a good idea to take a look at the BMI chart. If you started out around 180 then you were barely overweight according to the BMI chart, surely not overweight enough that anyone considered you the chubby girl.
Please continue seeing a therapist, if you feel you can't relate to the one you're currently seeing find another one. I wish I'd had that opportunity when I was young and had the wrong ideas of what healthy looked like.1 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »Thank you guys for your advice.
Growing up, I have never been naturally thin. My grandma made sure well I knew that I was the "big sister," that she was worried about my clothes fitting, that I was "built heavy," that my sister and I could never possibly share clothes because there was "no way" they would fit us both. I am seeing her this Christmas for the first time in over a year and want nothing more than her approval. Don't ask me why- I know she is just a judgmental, posssibly insecure, old woman. That does not stop the pain.
I was sick of being "bigger"," being worse, not good enough. I was sick of worrying if I would hurt people by sitting on their lap, or having to be lifted during spirit games in high school, or god forbid accidentally stepped on someone's toes. I was sick of having fear of eating dessert in front of others in case they were all thinking, "why is that chubby girl doing that to her body?!" I was sick of being afraid to ever have a boyfriend or get close to everyone because God forbid, they had to see my stomach. Not to mention having anxiety about going to the beach with friends and having anyone see my pudge. I was sick of being the one that obese friends thought they could relate to- asking me to borrow a shirt, or joke about how much we love food. I was sick of hating myself and what I saw in the mirror everyday and not being able to do anything about it.
I was sick of it all and most of all sick of being disgusted with my own body, and I needed a change and maybe now I am sick in my mind according to some of you but I'm not sure what else is to be done about it. Please know that I am not a girl self-absorbed with herself, or her looks. I am generous and thoughtful and smart and funny and caring and I sometimes wish that this didn't happen to me but it did.
I really did not think I was doing anything wrong but now that you point it out I see how it can be viewed as borderline obsessive. I'm sorry and I will try to be better.
Thank you.
It makes me so sad to hear what some family members do to people they're supposed to love because of their own issues. I'm so sorry you grew up feeling this way. If nothing else, I hope therapy helps you sort through some of those emotions, because that's a lot to keep bottled up for all these years.
I was anorexic in high school and have dealt with years of bulimia as an adult. I know what it's like to feel like the only thing you have control over is your body, and how easily feeling out of control or upset or hurt can manifest itself into hurting your body because it's all you feel you can do to cope. Some of your language concerns me that you're heading that way, and I would never wish upon anyone the things I've gone through. I hope you don't feel like people here are telling you you're "bad" in some way. It's just that a lot of us have felt this kind of hurt or known someone else who has, and we don't want you ending up there.
As to the bolded, you don't need to apologize to us. We're here to help, and we want the best for you, and we want you to want the best for you. I'm glad you're recognizing where some of your behavior is obsessive, and I hope you decide to work on it... Not to make us happy, not to make your grandmother happy, but for you. You deserve to be healthy and happy. You're worth it.8 -
OP: I think there's a bunch of stuff going on here.
Going to suggest a couple of things:- Weighing yourself that many times a day really doesn't make a lot of sense. Weight fluctuates a lot. It just does. Water weight, bloat, what you ate, etc. When my cycle was regular (I'm considerably older than you), I could gain as much as 3-4 pounds before my period. And then I'd lose it as soon as I had my period. That's just one example. You seem to be focusing too much on this and you're frustrated and it doesn't seem to be working, so I'd suggest if you have to weigh yourself, do it once a week. Same day, time, same clothes, etc.
- You seem to be worrying a lot about the healthfulness of the food you're eating versus what the people around you are eating. I worked with a woman who used to judge everyone by their lunches. It was insulting. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing. It may not be fair that some people look the way they do, but there's nothing you can do about it--life is not fair. You do you.
- I don't know much about insulin resistance or PCOS, but I'm guessing the nutritionist does. If she's a registered dietician, she knows far more about the # of calories you should be taking in than you do.
- I am a big advocate of therapy. To me, it's your chance to be with someone who is trained and whose only agenda is to help you. If your therapist is not working, go see someone else, but do try to give the therapist you have a shot. If the techniques he's using aren't helping, tell him that and ask if he can try another approach. I don't know you. Maybe you do have an ED. Maybe you don't. But you don't sound very happy at the moment. There's nothing wrong with talking to a trained professional who is going to try and help you work stuff out.
Wishing you the best of luck in this.5 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »sfaust2196 wrote: »Thanks for the answer! I definitely just want to look smaller and thought being in the 130s would achieve that but if I could look skinnier in the 140s I would take it! What is a recomp? My maintenance is 2491 calories which I CANNOT eat, I would gain five pounds in a day and 10 pounds by the end of the week. I ate 1700 by accident last week because I forgot to add a snack and gained .8 pounds. What do you suggest as a calorie intake? If I cut back on cardio can I just keep doing 1500?
Thanks!!
You don't gain 0.8lbs of fat in a day by eating 1700 calories by accident unless that is an extra 1700 calories above your maintenance and even then.
You have an unrealistic expectation of how weight fluctuates.
Start weighing every day in the morning under the same conditions and after using the bathroom and before eating or drinking and record the information in a trending weight app. Get past the scale weight obsession of thinking that there will be no fluctuations on a day to day basis and focus on your weight level.
You are at a normal body weight. Whether your goals make any sense or not, I cannot know. One thing I DO know and that is that the rate/speed you want to achieve them at is NOT achievable. The more firmly you are in the normal weight spectrum, and you are, the more effort is required for marginal changes.
Recomp has been mentioned. Might make you much happier...
I do weigh myself every day... about 6-8 times a day actually! ALWAYS every morning when I get up after using the bathroom, naked. This is where I got the .8 pound difference. I weigh myself throughout the day as well, and always at night before going to sleep (again naked after using bathroom). I gain as much as 6-10 pounds throughout the day in water and food, and then usually pee it all out and am 2-3 pounds heavier at night. Then I lose this. The 2 pounds I gained is from morning to morning weight so should be somewhat accurate.
What you're doing/feeling is not normal, healthy behavior. Seriously, you really need to get some professional help. Go to your actual medical doctor and get a referral to see someone who can help you work through your issues. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward!2 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »Y'all are way too nice.
OP, you weigh yourself too damned much. If an increase in weight when weighing on the same day or a couple days in between freaks you out that much, once a week will keep you saner.
If you don't like your current therapist, find someone else you're more comfortable with but don't expect the new therapist to see things the way you do. Your current one wasn't off the mark in his questions.
You're wayyyy too concerned about looking "great". First of all, if that's you in your icon, there's nothing wrong with you. Second, looks aren't everything and a FEMALE with that kind of attitude....ugh, I just can't. I do agree it's more time for a recomp than to lose more weight.
Also, are you on birth control? I had (have? Does it go away?) Pcos and I was put on the Pill to make my periods regular otherwise it could have turned cancerous.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look your best if you work hard for it
And they tried the pill but it did not work. I am aware of the cancer risks but unfortunately nothing is working so I do not have many options or control over the situation. What I do have control over is my body and eating healthy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best. There is something with wanting to look like and idealized extreme that is not physically healthy for your body.
There is nothing wrong with hard work. There is something wrong with the "punishment" mentality you seem to have towards your body. It seems like your mantra is you are going to exercise no matter what and you'll keep putting your body through workouts until it looks the way you want. That may never happen. Are you going to spend your life hating your body for the way it looks because it doesn't meet some ideal you have in your head? Would you recommend to someone you love that they treat their body the way you treat yours--that appearance and vanity pounds is all that matters? And health doesn't?
What about setting some fitness related goals to develop some appreciation for what your body can do as opposed to disliking it because it doesn't look the way you want? Shifting to weights from all the cardio can give you new goals, as can improving vascular fitness if you want to keep focusing on cardio.
You have too much control over your body and eating. The obsessive aspects to your approach are mentally and physically unhealthy.6 -
BruinsGal_91 wrote: »sfaust2196 wrote: »xmichaelyx wrote: »sfaust2196 wrote: »My maintenance is 2491 calories
My maintenance is lower than that, and I'm a 6' tall, 180-pound guy.
Are you weighing all your food, or guesstimating portion sizes? Because if you were really eating what you claim to be eating, you'd absolutely be losing weight.
I think most people here are hung up on the fact that you're 20 and seem to be freaking out, which implies a potential eating disorder. There's nothing wrong with your weight loss goal (130s is fine for your height), you just need to do a better job of counting calories.
I just got my maintenance from putting my height, weight, and activity level on a website from google. I know it's not accurate as I would blow up on that!
I am ABSOLUTELY not eating more than I say I am eating. I measure everything and then round up further. My chicken may be off day to day, but I make one pound at a time so it definitely averages out over the course of the few days I eat the chicken. Everything else- sweet potatoes, rice, cereal, veggies- I measure with cups. Even yogurt I measure with measuring cups every morning- my roommates all think I'm crazy. But I want to make sure I can accurately log!
I'm not naive or making anything up. I really never ever eat over 1600 except in a case like last week where I made a mistake. I'm so frustrated and know it should not be this hard... my roommates eat like crap it's disgusting and many of them are thinner than me. It's so not fair for my age I should look great without trying this hard! It has consumed my life and I am still not happy.
Am I the only one who finds this statement somewhat worrying?
You're not the only one, I've been biting my tongue.3 -
sfaust2196 wrote: »Y'all are way too nice.
OP, you weigh yourself too damned much. If an increase in weight when weighing on the same day or a couple days in between freaks you out that much, once a week will keep you saner.
If you don't like your current therapist, find someone else you're more comfortable with but don't expect the new therapist to see things the way you do. Your current one wasn't off the mark in his questions.
You're wayyyy too concerned about looking "great". First of all, if that's you in your icon, there's nothing wrong with you. Second, looks aren't everything and a FEMALE with that kind of attitude....ugh, I just can't. I do agree it's more time for a recomp than to lose more weight.
Also, are you on birth control? I had (have? Does it go away?) Pcos and I was put on the Pill to make my periods regular otherwise it could have turned cancerous.
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to look your best if you work hard for it
And they tried the pill but it did not work. I am aware of the cancer risks but unfortunately nothing is working so I do not have many options or control over the situation. What I do have control over is my body and eating healthy.
No, looking your best isn't a bad thing but it doesn't give a person self esteem or self worth. You said in an earlier post that you wouldn't mind being thinner than a model. If you want that, you're going to have to start doing coke and throwing up.
Disclaimer: DO NOT START DOING COKE OR THROWING UP. I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.
I get it with how your grandmother acts. The nicest thing my mother could find to say about my appearance was I had nice ankles. WTF, mom?! I couldn't take her negativity towards me anymore so I haven't talked to her in 10 plus (probably) years. And have no desire to change that. Personally, I would tell your grandmother not to talk to you unless she has something nice to say because I'm sure you're more caring than me and don't want her out of your life but no one needs that bs.
(Apparently, this thread is really POing me.)
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No offense to anyone else, but the last thing OP needs is advice on how to lose weight, measure her food, and/or recomp.
This isn't about her weight or how she looks. She thinks it is, but it's not.
Professional help is desperately needed; this is far beyond the scope of this forum.
I hope you find a therapist, OP, that you feel you can connect with and I hope you are honest and open with your therapist and yourself. The first step in getting help is acknowledging that you indeed have a problem.
I wish you well.10 -
I've gone back and forth about responding to this post a few times because it really hits home for me. I spent so much of my 20s and 30s feeling anxiety about my weight and really linking my self-esteem to whether I was in a size 4 instead of a 6. (Meaning I have never been actually overweight, just varying between versions of a healthy size.) I have an amazing husband, beautiful children and a great career, but that morning weigh in usually had more to do with whether it was a good day or a bad day than anything else. Like the OP, it was my family that made an issue of my size and appearance...I remember being a normal sized 13 year old and my parents urging me to diet so I could "become a model one day" because "I had a pretty face." (Like it's that easy or even a good idea!!)
I did end up getting therapy and it helped a lot--it helped me stop catastrophizing a weight gain or presuming it meant I was less worthy as a human being if I ate something unhealthy.
Not going to lie--therapy didn't fix everything. And taking on distance running ultimately was what made my weight/body images more manageable...my focus became speed and endurance rather than a specific weight or size (I still care, but my primary goal now is improving as a runner...I am much more excited by a sub 2 half marathon than I am by losing a pound). And maintaining my weight when clocking 30 miles a week or so became much easier and allowed me to learn to fuel my body with healthy rather than "diety" foods and enjoy without (much) guilt indulgences. It also reduced my anxiety in general and gave me much needed time to meditate about a lot of things that were all tied into my issues with weight. And, I grew in other ways thanks to newfound confidence that came with my racing accomplishments. I got more innovative at work and insisted on getting credit where credit was due. This had a financial impact on me & my family and that made me focus less on what is wrong with me physically and more on what is right with me.
Not saying becoming a runner specifically is what this OP needs to do, but having something else to focus on is what helped me turn the corner. And, I wanted to provide a glimpse of this mindset after age 40. It's a tremendous burden to deal with perfectionism and it's not something therapy will poof! chase away like magic.
Also, hearing people say "you need help" can sound like a judgment when you're a perfectionist like her/me. I hate when people say that. Not saying it isn't true, or that it wasn't delivered to her with kindness, but I understand cringing over that.9 -
storyjorie wrote: »I've gone back and forth about responding to this post a few times because it really hits home for me. I spent so much of my 20s and 30s feeling anxiety about my weight and really linking my self-esteem to whether I was in a size 4 instead of a 6. (Meaning I have never been actually overweight, just varying between versions of a healthy size.) I have an amazing husband, beautiful children and a great career, but that morning weigh in usually had more to do with whether it was a good day or a bad day than anything else. Like the OP, it was my family that made an issue of my size and appearance...I remember being a normal sized 13 year old and my parents urging me to diet so I could "become a model one day" because "I had a pretty face." (Like it's that easy or even a good idea!!)
I did end up getting therapy and it helped a lot--it helped me stop catastrophizing a weight gain or presuming it meant I was less worthy as a human being if I ate something unhealthy.
Not going to lie--therapy didn't fix everything. And taking on distance running ultimately was what made my weight/body images more manageable...my focus became speed and endurance rather than a specific weight or size (I still care, but my primary goal now is improving as a runner...I am much more excited by a sub 2 half marathon than I am by losing a pound). And maintaining my weight when clocking 30 miles a week or so became much easier and allowed me to learn to fuel my body with healthy rather than "diety" foods and enjoy without (much) guilt indulgences. It also reduced my anxiety in general and gave me much needed time to meditate about a lot of things that were all tied into my issues with weight. And, I grew in other ways thanks to newfound confidence that came with my racing accomplishments. I got more innovative at work and insisted on getting credit where credit was due. This had a financial impact on me & my family and that made me focus less on what is wrong with me physically and more on what is right with me.
Not saying becoming a runner specifically is what this OP needs to do, but having something else to focus on is what helped me turn the corner. And, I wanted to provide a glimpse of this mindset after age 40. It's a tremendous burden to deal with perfectionism and it's not something therapy will poof! chase away like magic.
Also, hearing people say "you need help" can sound like a judgment when you're a perfectionist like her/me. I hate when people say that. Not saying it isn't true, or that it wasn't delivered to her with kindness, but I understand cringing over that.
I would argue replacing one obsession with another isn't healthy either. However, the reason people keep saying get help is because OP clearly does not see the full picture. She has an eating disorder. There's no way around it. However, we aren't qualified to give her the help she needs. If saying she needs help is judgement, then fine. But at lead it isn't sugar coated.
And just because your perfection did not dissipate does not mean therapy cannot aid another. I was hospilized twice for things like this and had the same perfection issues. I had to do all types of activities to accept that a person cannot be perfect at everything. It took years and dedication, but a person can move on from this. But to say that she just needs to focus on something else when this is a mental disorder isn't quite helpful either. Whether you want to read it as judgement all or not, OP needs to find a therapist she feels comfortable with to begin understanding want is going on.
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vespiquenn wrote: »storyjorie wrote: »I've gone back and forth about responding to this post a few times because it really hits home for me. I spent so much of my 20s and 30s feeling anxiety about my weight and really linking my self-esteem to whether I was in a size 4 instead of a 6. (Meaning I have never been actually overweight, just varying between versions of a healthy size.) I have an amazing husband, beautiful children and a great career, but that morning weigh in usually had more to do with whether it was a good day or a bad day than anything else. Like the OP, it was my family that made an issue of my size and appearance...I remember being a normal sized 13 year old and my parents urging me to diet so I could "become a model one day" because "I had a pretty face." (Like it's that easy or even a good idea!!)
I did end up getting therapy and it helped a lot--it helped me stop catastrophizing a weight gain or presuming it meant I was less worthy as a human being if I ate something unhealthy.
Not going to lie--therapy didn't fix everything. And taking on distance running ultimately was what made my weight/body images more manageable...my focus became speed and endurance rather than a specific weight or size (I still care, but my primary goal now is improving as a runner...I am much more excited by a sub 2 half marathon than I am by losing a pound). And maintaining my weight when clocking 30 miles a week or so became much easier and allowed me to learn to fuel my body with healthy rather than "diety" foods and enjoy without (much) guilt indulgences. It also reduced my anxiety in general and gave me much needed time to meditate about a lot of things that were all tied into my issues with weight. And, I grew in other ways thanks to newfound confidence that came with my racing accomplishments. I got more innovative at work and insisted on getting credit where credit was due. This had a financial impact on me & my family and that made me focus less on what is wrong with me physically and more on what is right with me.
Not saying becoming a runner specifically is what this OP needs to do, but having something else to focus on is what helped me turn the corner. And, I wanted to provide a glimpse of this mindset after age 40. It's a tremendous burden to deal with perfectionism and it's not something therapy will poof! chase away like magic.
Also, hearing people say "you need help" can sound like a judgment when you're a perfectionist like her/me. I hate when people say that. Not saying it isn't true, or that it wasn't delivered to her with kindness, but I understand cringing over that.
I would argue replacing one obsession with another isn't healthy either. However, the reason people keep saying get help is because OP clearly does not see the full picture. She has an eating disorder. There's no way around it. However, we aren't qualified to give her the help she needs. If saying she needs help is judgement, then fine. But at lead it isn't sugar coated.
And just because your perfection did not dissipate does not mean therapy cannot aid another. I was hospilized twice for things like this and had the same perfection issues. I had to do all types of activities to accept that a person cannot be perfect at everything. It took years and dedication, but a person can move on from this. But to say that she just needs to focus on something else when this is a mental disorder isn't quite helpful either. Whether you want to read it as judgement all or not, OP needs to find a therapist she feels comfortable with to begin understanding want is going on.
Didn't say she shouldn't go to therapy. Was trying to empathize as her post resonated with me. That's all.3
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