Eating When Hungry vs. Sticking to a Calorie Plan

nutmegoreo

sarko15 wrote: »

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Masculinity is embarrassing and unnecessary. I'm not saying I have trouble being a guy, but this is ridiculous. I'm half a foot taller than the average guy. I have hair on my stomach, chest, shoulders and back (and don't think for a minute I would ever date without getting rid of at least the hair on the latter two regions). I think I'm average build despite being fat and that means that even if I have no belly, I'll still have broad shoulders and when I sit down on the train, I'll have to hunch and nobody will want to sit by me (not that I'm really desiring company) because I'm the big wide guy taking up all the space.

I don't want to date a girl who wants a really masculine guy. I don't want a girl who loves a big or tall guy. Definitely not a girl who actually - ugh - prefers a bald guy. I would rather a girl who said, "I've never been into big bald guys, but after talking to you..." Most of the girls I've found into big bald guys want someone blue-collar and tough. I'm not interested in that.

So the vibe I'm getting is you don't want someone who would want you? You prefer the chase?

Not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to understand. As a woman, who knows other women well, I am pretty sure that there are girls out there who would be attracted to you, as you are. But if a girl is attracted to you, what then? Would you give her a chance?

Of course she wouldn't get a chance because clearly she is worthless:

Having someone find me attractive is usually not good news, both because of what they find attractive and who they turn to be (e.g., desperate, not well-educated, no career, etc.).

nutmegoreo

Nony_Mouse wrote: »

RickyCoogin wrote: »

rankin - I'm aware that some women are really into tall men. Usually they are taller women. I think most women want a guy of average height and build.

I don't think I'm ugly, nor freakishly tall. The problem I have is that I don't like the image women have of a big bald guy: tough, strong, not caring how he looks, etc. I know some women think big bald guys are hot, but that doesn't mean I love being that way just because it might get me laid.

How about you stop thinking you know a damn thing about what women think or want, because clearly you don't have a clue.

Now I can't speak for my entire gender of course, but what I'm reasonably sure of is that most women tend to find judgemental prats pretty unattractive, even if they are drop dead gorgeous. You may want to think about that.

This is a great summary of my thoughts. Thank you.

OP, even if you were a great looking guy (however you chose to define that), I suspect your attitude would be off-putting enough that dating would still be a challenge. I hope I'm wrong, but this is very much the sense that I'm getting from your posts. Reading this thread has been exhausting. Mainly because of the multiple implications that someone who would be open to dating someone who you don't define as good looking, must be ugly, uneducated, or some other form of undesirable. The value of an individual is not in their outer appearance.

Have you considered exploring Buddhist teachings and mindfulness? The philosophies on suffering, and ending suffering are very interesting.

SeptemberFeyre

Like I said in my earlier post, you really need to do your own research and find out why you have such low self esteem. Just by reading what you wrote, I see you re-laying one sign of low self esteem after another. If I was a betting woman, and I'm not, I would bet you never had much much of a positive male role model growing up. It's really none of my business and I don't mean to get all psychological on you, just something to think about. What in your life has made you think being masculine is embarrassing? You have no reason to be embarrassed about all of these body traits you have described, they are perfectly normal for MANY men.

AnvilHead

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Masculinity is embarrassing and unnecessary. I'm not saying I have trouble being a guy, but this is ridiculous. I'm half a foot taller than the average guy. I have hair on my stomach, chest, shoulders and back (and don't think for a minute I would ever date without getting rid of at least the hair on the latter two regions). I think I'm average build despite being fat and that means that even if I have no belly, I'll still have broad shoulders and when I sit down on the train, I'll have to hunch and nobody will want to sit by me (not that I'm really desiring company) because I'm the big wide guy taking up all the space.

I don't want to date a girl who wants a really masculine guy. I don't want a girl who loves a big or tall guy. Definitely not a girl who actually - ugh - prefers a bald guy. I would rather a girl who said, "I've never been into big bald guys, but after talking to you..." Most of the girls I've found into big bald guys want someone blue-collar and tough. I'm not interested in that.

So what do you plan to do about it? You're 6'3" - do you think you're also going to lose height when you lose weight, or are you planning on getting part of your legs surgically removed, or what? Or do you just plan to lose weight until you look like a 6'3" ballet dancer? You don't like being a tall guy (it doesn't even sound like you much like being a guy at all), but you're stuck in a tall guy's body and there's not much you can do about that. Your options are pretty much either 1) Deal with what you are and make the best of it, or 2) As others have suggested, get some counseling so you can move past your body image problems. There's no realistic physical solution to it.

You say you don't want a girl who loves a big or tall guy - that pretty much leaves you fresh out of options because there's no way you can transform yourself into a 5'6" twink. You're a tall guy - time to come to grips with that and start dealing with it.

AnvilHead

I'll assume you're addressing me, since I was the last poster and you didn't quote anybody in your post to clarify who you're addressing.

I'm not taunting you or being rude, I'm trying to help you see some hard truths. I did not insult you in any way, but I am genuinely curious as to what you think you can do to change your situation because I don't see an answer for you.

sarko15

Hey, here are some people trying to be nice to you and now you're calling them dicks. You're probably going to get blocked. Enjoy.

nutmegoreo

RickyCoogin wrote: »

While it's nice of nutmeg to research my former posts, since she's obviously impartial to all this and in no way vindictive and going out of her way to discredit anyone, especially anyone with a mental disorder, I reiterate:

A lot of people are going to decide if they want to get to know you further based on their physical impression of you. I'm the same way...I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to. The women into me stereotyped me as some big tough guy.

I have no dog in this. I'm trying to help you see that the way you perceive yourself and how you are judging and perceiving others is causing the issues you are having. I saw no place where you spoke of having a mental disorder. Others mention BDD, but you didn't address those comments, so I'm trying to not make assumptions regarding your state of mind. I have read none of your posts beyond this thread. I'm glad you appreciate that I have a good enough memory to recall what you have said in this thread (which is where I obtained the quote).

You didn't speak to my question regarding Buddhist teachings, but I do think that it would be worth your time to read about the four noble truths, if you haven't already. Particularly because you haven't found counseling to be helpful for you. Have you explored EMDR during any of these sessions? It can be an effective treatment as well as CBT.

Edited to remove a particularly. There was too many for one sentence.

rankinsect

RickyCoogin wrote: »

A lot of people are going to decide if they want to get to know you further based on their physical impression of you. I'm the same way...I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to. The women into me stereotyped me as some big tough guy.

Not necessarily. Maybe she liked your smile. Or maybe she thought your shirt was interesting. Maybe she was just bored and decided to talk to you. Maybe there just isn't anyone more interesting around right now. Maybe she doesn't really like macho guys but gave you a chance anyway. Maybe you said a joke that made her laugh. Or maybe she read your profile on a dating site where you describe your actual personality.

You're really, really jumping to conclusions about what other people are thinking. Why not talk to them and actually discover what they are thinking?

And people could find you physically attractive without wanting someone who has a big, tough personality. What people find attractive in your body and what people find attractive in your personality are not really correlated. Women can want a big guy who is a total cuddly teddy bear that openly weeps over the death of Bambi's mother, or they could want someone who is short, scrawny, and aggressive.

dominique_paul

I stick to my calorie goal. Listening to "hunger cues" doesn't work for me because I'll under eat a lot.

MelanieCN77

RickyCoogin wrote: »

I don't buy the idea that you're encouraging people to stop talking to me for my own good.

At this point I'd say it's for their own good.

rankinsect

RickyCoogin wrote: »

And those that do want big bald guys like them because they fit that stupid atavistic "badass" stereotype.

Some will. Others won't. You don't want women to stereotype you - don't stereotype them by lumping them all together and assuming that all women share the same preferences.

People can find big guys sexy without wanting a "badass". People can like petite women without wanting someone demure. Everyone's preferences are different, and you can find someone who likes almost every possible combination of physical appearances + personality traits.

Nony_Mouse

Funny, I used to do internet dating, and neither height nor hair were criteria that I used to cull people. And I don't think I'm unusual in that respect. Again, stop projecting what you think onto others. You equate big and bald as 'badass', 'white trash', 'macho', etc etc (all your words), not everyone does.

Nony_Mouse

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Everyone stereotypes.

I don't want a woman that finds big bald guys sexy. It's gross. I don't know why people keep insisting I like it or that "women just love big tall guys."

What's so damn great about being a big guy?

It seems you're pretty screwed then sorry. You are tall and you are bald, and you have already written off any woman who would find you attractive as worthless because it is somehow wrong for her to find you physically attractive. Though possibly it's okay if she didn't find you attractive but then got to know you and decided she was into you?

AnvilHead

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Obviously you think it's contemptuous that a tall/big guy would hate being that way, so why I am I supposed to like it?

I don't think it's contemptuous, but as a tall guy myself (6'6"), I definitely don't understand it. I've been 6'6" since my freshman year of high school and that was almost 40 years ago. Honestly, in my day to day life I don't even think about my height unless somebody else comments on it - it just is what it is. I don't feel superior (or inferior) to anybody else because of my height, anymore than I feel superior (or inferior) because I have brown eyes instead of blue, or anything else. I'm me and if I can't be happy with that, all I'd have to look forward to would be a pretty miserable, neurotic life. If you can't love yourself, you make it even harder for anybody else to love you.

I'd love to have the big "meathead" build. I'd like to be so big that I block out the sun wherever I walk. I'd like my nickname to be "The Eclipse". I think it would be awesome to compete as a bodybuilder at 6'6" and about 285 shredded pounds of pure muscle. But my genetics dictate that I'm long and lanky with not a huge amount of muscle mass. So my choice is to either go through life miserable and lamenting that I don't get to be "The Eclipse", or to suck it up, deal with it and be the best I can possibly be with what I've got. To me, it's a pretty simple choice because life is too short to be miserable and we only get one shot at it. So just call me the "Partial Eclipse" and I'll be over here in the weight room three days a week making my lanky azz look the best I can make it.

lynn_glenmont

Christine_72 wrote: »

I think it's time to join the priesthood

I get that you're making a joke about celibacy, but priests exercise a great deal of personal and moral authority over believers, and are supposed to be able to advise people about personal, spritual, and relationship issues. I don't think anyone should be relying on the guidance of someone with OP's disordered views about the value of personal appearance, about rejecting people who like you because they like when you don't believe you're worthy of affection, and about what women like and think.

Nony_Mouse

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Nony - LOL Nice that you took the time to show me a little contempt. i'm sure you tell everyone you would never engage in such a cruel thing.

What I don't get is at first you adopt a sarcastic attitude, like you're angry that I would dislike a woman finding me attractive.....yet then you sneer at the idea that I would prefer that she got to know me first??

"it's okay if she didn't find you attractive but then got to know you and decided she was into you?"

Well....yeah...that's the point. I don't like how I look because I think it makes people see me as someone different than how I am. I don't begrudge them for it, I just wish I didn't look that way.

I was being neither contemptuous nor sarcastic. That's once again you projecting. I was pointing out that you've created a Catch 22 situation for yourself. I'm not angry that you would dislike a woman for finding you attractive, I just think it signals that you have deep seated issues that you need to address if you ever want to date. Because as you yourself have pointed out, physical attraction, at least initially, is important (but not the be all and end all, as everyone else has pointed out. It may get you in the door, but it's personality that's going to dictate whether you get any further). If you can't accept that someone is physically attracted to you, and you've said some pretty distasteful things about women who have been or would be, then how are you going to form a relationship with them?

As for someone deciding they like you after they get to know you, do you see that this goes both ways? Yes, someone may have an initial attraction to you because they think you're the 'type' that you despise so much. But once they get to know you they are going to realise you are not. At that point they're either going to move on because you're not what they're looking for, or come to like you for who you are and stick around. If the latter, are you really going to write them off anyway? Because frankly, that would be ridiculous. Also, in the case of the person who isn't physically attracted initially but gets to know you, chances are they will become physically attracted to you. That's how it works. I can testify to this from personal experience. Are you going to have issues with their attraction to you at that point?

cerise_noir

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Hey, thanks. It's really confidence-inspiring when someone comes on here to take a cheap shot. You could have offered me help, but you gave me so much more.

I think you need to calm down.

See the responses? People care. Stop it.

I agree...you can't possibly know what women want. Taller women don't necessarily go for taller men. Heck, I am 5'3" and my husband is 6'...I like guys with beards, bald guys, shorter guys, taller guys, muscly guys...but I LOVE a sweet, kind personality and intelligence of any age from 30 and above. I've seen many shorter women with shorter guys, taller women with shorter guys and so on. You cannot judge what women want. Hey, some women don't even like men. Please stop judging us. Some of us like many different types of guys...and some of us even like girls, too. If you keep rejecting women, what is left? Give them a chance. If they like you, take the chance and see where it goes.

Self hate really does radiate and gets pick up on by others.. You need to be kinder to yourself. Seriously. I know a LOT about self hate and deep dark depression. It took a lot to get out of that deep darkness.

If I call a guy a big cuddle bear, it is freakin' compliment. I LOVE to cuddle. It's not a bad thing. It's not about embracing largeness. You think everyone hates larger guys. My husband goes through phases and I love him no matter what size he is.

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe there are women out there that fall in love with a guy because of he sweet awesome personalty? That's how I fell in love with my husband. He's super sweet, caring and loving...and not self absorbed in the slightest. He cares about what I think and say. He has his moments, though as he is human.

You need to start gaining confidence in your self. Stop trying to be someone you are not. Enhance YOU. Fast weight loss will not give you the body you're after. Sagging skin comes to mind (my FIL lost a lot of weight recently and he has a LOT of sagging skin from fast weight loss). Take it slower, lift some weights....embrace YOU. Stop thinking about what women want...you're not a mind reader. Relax. You're unique. Don't fit yourself into a carbon copy.

2000 calories is NOT much. Believe me. I am 5'3" 35 and my maintenance is 1700 sedentary and around 2300 with exercise. Embrace these calories. You'll be glad that you did.

AnvilHead

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Anvil - What I don't understand is how people cannot comprehend beyond their own personal beliefs, e.g., "I find this girl hot...why don't you?"

So you wish that you were really big...so that means you cannot understand how another guy would not want to be big? Would not see the big meathead look as not something to emulate?

Whether I understand it or not isn't relevant. I'm not you, so I don't have to understand or agree with your thoughts or goals and you don't have to understand or agree with mine. My friends and I disagree all the time about things and it's not a condition of our friendship that we think the exact same way and understand everything about what each other are doing. We still get along just fine.

The question is, what are you going to do to make yourself happy and comfortable in your own skin? What do you think your options are? You've painted yourself into a corner and it doesn't look like you've left yourself any way out. You find being tall repulsive, but you're tall. You find being bald repulsive, but you're bald. You find masculinity repulsive, but you're a man. Where do you plan to go from there? I'm curious about how you think you're going to resolve your issues.

lynn_glenmont

AnvilHead wrote: »

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Anvil - What I don't understand is how people cannot comprehend beyond their own personal beliefs, e.g., "I find this girl hot...why don't you?"

So you wish that you were really big...so that means you cannot understand how another guy would not want to be big? Would not see the big meathead look as not something to emulate?

Whether I understand it or not isn't relevant. I'm not you, so I don't have to understand or agree with your thoughts or goals and you don't have to understand or agree with mine. My friends and I disagree all the time about things and it's not a condition of our friendship that we think the exact same way and understand everything about what each other are doing. We still get along just fine.

The question is, what are you going to do to make yourself happy and comfortable in your own skin? What do you think your options are? You've painted yourself into a corner and it doesn't look like you've left yourself any way out. You find being tall repulsive, but you're tall. You find being bald repulsive, but you're bald. You find masculinity repulsive, but you're a man. Where do you plan to go from there? I'm curious about how you think you're going to resolve your issues.

I settled on insightful, but this is awesome, too. And I like it.

cerise_noir

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

AnvilHead wrote: »

RickyCoogin wrote: »

Anvil - What I don't understand is how people cannot comprehend beyond their own personal beliefs, e.g., "I find this girl hot...why don't you?"

So you wish that you were really big...so that means you cannot understand how another guy would not want to be big? Would not see the big meathead look as not something to emulate?

Whether I understand it or not isn't relevant. I'm not you, so I don't have to understand or agree with your thoughts or goals and you don't have to understand or agree with mine. My friends and I disagree all the time about things and it's not a condition of our friendship that we think the exact same way and understand everything about what each other are doing. We still get along just fine.

The question is, what are you going to do to make yourself happy and comfortable in your own skin? What do you think your options are? You've painted yourself into a corner and it doesn't look like you've left yourself any way out. You find being tall repulsive, but you're tall. You find being bald repulsive, but you're bald. You find masculinity repulsive, but you're a man. Where do you plan to go from there? I'm curious about how you think you're going to resolve your issues.

I settled on insightful, but this is awesome, too. And I like it.

It's also quite inspiring.