Eating When Hungry vs. Sticking to a Calorie Plan
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RickyCoogin wrote: »That seems like way too much for someone who has as much weight as I do to lose and I don't want to wait an entire year to look decent.
It's not way too much. The more you weigh the more you can eat and still lose weight, so at the weight you are now, it's a perfectly reasonable calorie goal for someone with your stats,
Also, did it take you less than a year to put on that extra 75 pounds? I'm betting money that that's a 'no'. Why put the pressure on yourself to lose it aster than you gained it? That's extremely unfair. Be kind to yourself, and give your body the time it needs to lose weight slowly and steadily. Several studies point to higher chances of keeping weight off if it is lost at a reasonable clip, so it's really in your long-term best interest to stay patient.
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RickyCoogin wrote: »Physical attraction comes first. If they're not attracted to me, they won't want to bother finding out what kind of person I am.
I want to date someone attractive. Attractive people have the privilege of being picky in who they date. It doesn't make them vain, it means they have a wider selection. A great deal of people settle for less and pretend the one they're with is the one they want, when they know it's simply all they can get.
I don't want to date someone who thinks I look attractive as I am right now. I'm going to have a hard enough time accepting that they're going to notice the stuff I hate about how I look that I can't change.
Prioritizing physical appearance above personality, values, sense of humor, and the like is pretty much the textbook definition of vanity. I don't know how much dating you've done in your life but speaking from personal experience, physical attraction alone does not a successful relationship make. I don't know what else to say here other than: best of luck to you.12 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »Physical attraction comes first. If they're not attracted to me, they won't want to bother finding out what kind of person I am.
I want to date someone attractive. Attractive people have the privilege of being picky in who they date. It doesn't make them vain, it means they have a wider selection. A great deal of people settle for less and pretend the one they're with is the one they want, when they know it's simply all they can get.
I don't want to date someone who thinks I look attractive as I am right now. I'm going to have a hard enough time accepting that they're going to notice the stuff I hate about how I look that I can't change.
I think you'll find as your dating age range ages with you, people choose to care about a wider range of things than looks. But that's a whole other question and a massive topic that nobody here is going to change your mind on. Good luck with your weight loss and I hope your relationship with food and eating gets better.2 -
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RickyCoogin wrote: »I don't think it's shallow to care about looks. Maybe in a perfect world, someone would see all our good internal qualities on the outside, but that's not the case. I'm not about to dismiss a woman as shallow and not worth my time just because she wants an attractive partner!
My dating life is what's mainly on hold until I lose weight. I'm going to have enough trouble dealing with the stuff I can't change about my appearance even if (I'm supposed to say "when," right?) I lose the 75 lbs.
I get it. I have lost 100 lbs (about 10 more to go). I'm 46, F and did not want to start dating until I got to this point. It took a year. Only a year. My life now and my life then are totally different. I am totally different.
Now I'm ready and, well -- look out, fellas!
If someone only wanted to be with me because of my weight or appearance then, yeah, we wouldn't be a match. Appearance is one thing to care about, not the only thing.
But, I will tell you this: I was 100 lbs overweight for 15 years and this amazing person who didn't care about my size never materialized. Not in person, and not online. As you lose weight, you will notice that people make eye contact with you more, smile more, are generally more kind. Is this fair? Shallow? I guess ... but when you're out next (train station, mall, supermarket) watch people. At any rate, I just wanted to say I understand your thinking. Good luck!8 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »So it's not right to have preferences? Why is it wrong for someone to say, "I don't want to date a fat person because I simply don't find them attractive."
I want someone attractive myself. I'm not about to put pictures of me online not looking my best because the woman who might not find me attractive at 260-plus may find me attractive when I'm under 200 lbs. Besides, I don't want to date a woman who finds me attractive looking as I do now.
So what happens if you find this attractive woman and then a few years down the road you discover that she is 100 pounds heavier than she was when you met her and her skin has wrinkles in it? While physical attraction plays a part, if that's your main focus then you're setting yourself up for trouble. You should look instead for someone who enjoys doing some of the things you enjoy doing. If some of those things happen to be some of the things that made you fat, then you might discover that she is facing the same weight loss struggle that you are.5 -
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The cruel truth of life is that no one is (naturally) "attractive" forever. Even thin, people get old(er). If you plan on starving yourself thin in 6 months, you can probably kiss your hair goodbye. If you have any existing muscle, that can also be cannibalized to keep more important parts of your body running. Building the muscle back up gets tougher as you age and testosterone levels drop.2
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RickyCoogin wrote: »The reason older people stop caring about looks so much is that they're less attractive and can't afford to be as picky. By that time, they also often have developed a more realistic view of what league they're in and who they'll have a chance with.
Sorry you see it that way, that's pretty bleak.
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I'm in my 60's. I'm far from hideous.RickyCoogin wrote: »The reason older people stop caring about looks so much is that they're less attractive and can't afford to be as picky. By that time, they also often have developed a more realistic view of what league they're in and who they'll have a chance with.
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MelanieCN77 wrote: »RickyCoogin wrote: »The reason older people stop caring about looks so much is that they're less attractive and can't afford to be as picky. By that time, they also often have developed a more realistic view of what league they're in and who they'll have a chance with.
Sorry you see it that way, that's pretty bleak.
OP is dealing with BDD so in that context, his view of dating, the over importance he places on physical appearance, etc makes sense. But yes, it's certainly a bleak way of seeing the world and it likely won't lead to lasting happiness.7 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »I can look for that person who enjoys doing the same things as me after I lose the weight. I don't want to date someone who thinks I look great now.
Sure, but you probably don't want a woman who is going to base whether she dates you or not on how you look (though the two of you would have something in common).MelanieCN77 wrote: »RickyCoogin wrote: »The reason older people stop caring about looks so much is that they're less attractive and can't afford to be as picky. By that time, they also often have developed a more realistic view of what league they're in and who they'll have a chance with.
Sorry you see it that way, that's pretty bleak.
I couldn't help but think the same thing. I don't think older people are less picky, they just look for other things. There are a lot of older people who remain attractive throughout their lives, but often the things that make them attractive isn't their physical appearance so much as their attitude.8 -
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Sexy septuagenarian Susan Sarandon
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tkaEpUBUQDw 2 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »Yes, I do want a woman who decides she wants to date me based on whether she finds me physically attractive or not. I'm not saying I hope that's all she sees about me, but I want her to be someone who isn't dating me because she doesn't have better options.
I don't want a woman who says "I don't care what my partner looks like. Looks aren't important to me." Nine times out of ten, the person saying this isn't attractive enough to be able to get someone attractive, so they pretend they never wanted an attractive person in the first place and that they're some saint who only cares about "inner beauty" and that anyone who does care how their partner looks is a shallow monster who'll probably leave them or cheat on them as soon as they put on 20 lbs.
Hon, please get some counselling. Otherwise I'm afraid you're gonna end up being skinny *and* alone.
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RickyCoogin wrote: »I started losing my hair when I was a teen so that's no issue...that's the other big reason I think I'm unattractive (I presume you were talking about malnutrition). I don't have that much existing muscle as far as I know (maybe in my legs). While I know trying to look like a stick is a bad idea, especially at my height, I don't want to look muscular. Bad enough I'm always going to be tall and broad shouldered no matter how much weight I lose.
Last time I checked hair isn't what makes someone attractive! Plenty of women find bald guys attractive, Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham!
And having hair doesn't mean attractive think Steve Bucimi, Marilyn Manson.....0 -
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RickyCoogin wrote: »Physical attraction comes first. If they're not attracted to me, they won't want to bother finding out what kind of person I am.
I want to date someone attractive. Attractive people have the privilege of being picky in who they date. It doesn't make them vain, it means they have a wider selection. A great deal of people settle for less and pretend the one they're with is the one they want, when they know it's simply all they can get.
I don't want to date someone who thinks I look attractive as I am right now. I'm going to have a hard enough time accepting that they're going to notice the stuff I hate about how I look that I can't change.
Most people aren't attracted to people who hate things about themselves, even if their weight is appropriate for their height. Lack of confidence is not attractive. Self-hate tends to repel people. It gets tiresome having to try to prop up their egos, and eventually you start wondering, "if he's that judgmental about himself, when he's perfectly fine, what does he think about other people who are similar or even lacking compared to him? what does he think about me?"
I can honestly say that, except for one guy, everyone I ever dated and then broke it off with, it was because they seemed to have low opinions of themselves in one way or another, whether it was about their looks or their social skills or their financial success or their past dating success. There was nothing fun about being around people who didn't think they were worthy to be dated. (The other guy? I liked him a lot, and enjoyed spending time with him, but he seemed to be on a fast track toward life-long commitment from the get-go, despite the fact that I didn't get the feeling he was really attracted to me, physically or emotionally -- more like maybe he was settling for like instead of love, or just wanted to believe he was in love. He married someone else within the year. She was really nice, and they seemed good together -- similar values and goals, similar ideas of fun, liked each other's friends -- so I hope it was right-time, right-girl, not just a continued determination on his part to find somebody/anybody to settle down with right then.)4 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »I don't think any of those guys are attractive, they look like big meatheads. I'm embarrassed of my size and I'm hoping that losing weight will help me avoid looking like a stereotypical "big bald guy." It's bad enough people keep saying I look like a cop or a soldier. Worse, I've had people compare me to Brian Urlacher and Steve Wilkos, which, to me, is about the same as telling me I'm ugly.
Funny you mentioned Buscemi...I commented on an article about him last week: "Say what you want about Steve Buscemi's looks...the guy has always had great hair."
I get that you wanna look good to yourself as well but isn't it more important to be attractive to your partner? I don't find myself particularly attractive but suprisingly the things that I don't like are some of the things my boyfriend likes the most (and he told me before I voiced my opinions so I no he wasn't trying to make me feel better). Attraction is a weird thing and I personally haven't met anyone ever who is with someone because they can't do any better, which seems to be your fear.
So you might think they look like meatheads but that woman you're looking for might think they're a piece of meat they wanna sink their teeth into2 -
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RickyCoogin wrote: »So it's not right to have preferences? Why is it wrong for someone to say, "I don't want to date a fat person because I simply don't find them attractive."
I want someone attractive myself. I'm not about to put pictures of me online not looking my best because the woman who might not find me attractive at 260-plus may find me attractive when I'm under 200 lbs. Besides, I don't want to date a woman who finds me attractive looking as I do now.
You can of course have preferences, but you have to admit they're shallow. And, it's not particularly common for someone to prefer someone who is unhealthy, thin or not. I think people typically prefer partners that take care of themselves. You deserve someone who likes you no matter what you weigh. If you don't do date looking like you do now, that's okay. But remember that healthy weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. Health is the ultimate goal, and is in my opinion far more attractive than general size.
I don't necessarily think that many fit people reject heavier people simply because they're shallow or only care about looks. I think many fit people look at someone who is not so fit and come to the conclusion (often correctly, sometimes not) that the two of them don't share the same goals, values and interests. It may simply be a compatibility thing. The fit person may be looking for an active partner who is interested in doing the same things. I think that even if you are heavier, if you are actively in the process of becoming more fit, that will appeal to many because it shows you share their interests and values, even if you aren't quite there yet. So slow down and don't rush. Don't burn out trying to do too much too fast. 0 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »Lynn - I don't date because I hate how I look and I know that even if I did, things wouldn't last long because of how I feel about myself. I have the feeling I will never find myself attractive, but since I've never been in shape, I figure I owe it to myself to look the best I can and then decide if I still hate how I look.
Amy - More like you've never met anyone who would admit that they couldn't get any better. What if they told you that and you told their partner? Most people would keep quiet about it.
I won't date someone who finds some meathead type like that attractive and if they found me that way, especially after getting in shape, I'd want to stick my head in an oven. Having someone find me attractive is usually not good news, both because of what they find attractive and who they turn to be (e.g., desperate, not well-educated, no career, etc.).
The kind of girl I want would find those big bald guys gross and laughable.
While you're losing the weight, please also get some professional help with your other issues. Because honestly, even without knowing what you look like, that's what's most unattractive about you right now. Yes, physical attraction is important in the initial phase, but personality is what really counts in the end.16 -
That depends on you. For myself I know that if I am not hungry and I get stuck trying to eat food that I do not want it feels like a chore. Then I get turned off completely and end up under eating. Especially by around 7 or 8 pm. I just can't keep trying at that point unless it's liquid calories such as a glass of milk. Other people find that they can eat when they are not hungry with no problem. Another part to this is where you calories come from. Some foods provide more satiety causing one to feel very full for a long time while others seem like they are gone as soon as they are eaten. You will just need to do some trial and error to find out how this will work or if it will work for you at all.0
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If you don't do something about your emotional and mental health and attitude you can lose all the the weight you want but you will still be the same person on the inside no matter what you look like on the outside, and speaking for myself and I am sure many others, someone who is so focused on their appearance and others appearance in such a negative way is not attractive. You tend to get back from the world what you put out into it.
Physical attraction is a part of the process of finding another person to share your life with but it has been my own personal experience and that of all of my friends (male and female, physically hot or not) that someone could be really hot physically and get less attractive the more you get to know them or can have no initial or very little initial physical attraction to you but as you get to know them they get more and more attractive and desirable to you.
Living your life by arbitrary constructs you create based on superficial criteria of no substance will mean that you may miss out on developing a meaningful relationship with the right person or even just making a great friend.
Goodluck with your life's journey, I hope you manage to find a way to not feel so miserable about things and achieve your goals.12 -
RickyCoogin wrote: »I am in a rush. I feel like my life is on hold, mainly my dating life. There is no way I'd be able to date someone at my current size; it would actually make me feel horrible if someone said I looked great the way I am now. Even at my goal weight, it's still going to be a struggle for me because of how I feel about my stature.
2000 calories a day seems like a lot for someone with a lot of weight to lose.
I'm 3 inches taller than you and started out 8 pounds heavier than you. I've lost 62 pounds in 16 months eating 2300-2400 calories per day. I don't care that it took 16 months - the time was going to pass anyway, so my choice was to either do something about it or still be fat and out of shape 16 months later. I chose the former. I'm now at 208 pounds and still eating 2250 calories per day (with plenty of cheat days mixed in) and working on gradually losing maybe the last 5-10 vanity pounds.
I lost slowly on purpose - my aim was 1 pound/wk. because I was interested in preserving as much lean body mass as I could. I've lost weight rapidly before and wasn't at all happy with the results - I ended up skinnyfat, my head looked too big for my body and I still had a gut and love handles. Wasn't going to make the same mistake this time. I lost the weight slowly, lifted weights and kept my protein intake up to make sure the results were more along the lines of what I wanted them to be. And they are.
You don't have to fear looking like a meathead. That doesn't happen accidentally, nor does it happen easily. It takes a lot of effort, years of hard work and having the genetics to look that way in the first place. If looking like a meathead was easy, there would be a lot more meatheads in the world because most guys would prefer to look at least somewhat lean and muscular if given a choice.7 -
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RickyCoogin wrote: »"Meathead" doesn't necessarily mean competition-level bodybuilder or World's Strongest Man contestant (if I wanted to do that, I'd probably need to be 75 lbs HEAVIER). I mean the type of guy people see as a bouncer, or a cop, or a football player.
My weight isn't muscle (and I wouldn't want it to be), but I fear that even when I lose weight, I'm always going to be this big bald guy and attract women who are into that stupid look. I think I would rather not date than do that.
Most girls don't want to date a guy who doesn't like themselves. My sister is married to a big guy with the kind of body type you are describing. She's thin and toned and healthy, but you wouldn't like her, because she likes a big guy.
You wouldn't like a hot girl if she liked you because you have issues with yourself. You need to work on that first.14
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