Sabotaging sister in law :(

ThatUserNameIsAllReadyTaken

phildog50 wrote: »

Use your will power. Decline the invite, or have a salad. It's a LIFESTYLE change. I used to say I have a sabotaging spouse... but it's MY decision what I put into my mouth... not hers. You can't blame others.

She isn't blaming anyone, she said she is sticking to her plan but she is irritated by this behavior and wants a way to address it that isn't rude.

Lounmoun

shandalynnr wrote: »

As soon as my SIL finds out I'm trying to eat healthy and on a diet, the keyword she zooms into is the word 'diet'. She always tries to encourage bad dieting by having many multiple cheat days and how she makes it her priority to also "help" her friends when she finds out they are on a diet by cooking/inviting to fast foods/alcohol parties. I'm pretty sure she wants people to fail. Which is sad. I just don't know what to do that isn't rude, but I have told her many times, that I'm sticking to my own life changing experience. Any advice? Rant over. Sorry!

When someone is rude or harmful to you stop worrying about being rude to them. This is when it is okay to be blunt.

Say no consistently, toss things in the trash, walk away, or tell her she is *kitten* up trying to play these games.
You are not obligated to tell anyone you are on a diet. Don't tell her.
You can decline invitations from her.

You are responsible for what goes in your body though. There will always be fast food or alcohol on offer from somewhere. It can be part of a healthy diet and weight loss though. Learn appropriate portion sizes for you and if you enjoy those things have them in moderation. She no longer has anything.

GYATagain

Ready2Rock206 wrote: »

Why are you even discussing your diet with her? You know how she is - what you eat shouldn't even be a topic of discussion with her.

^^This. I have learned the hard way - people don't "really" want to know how you have gotten healthier. When my husband and I reached our goal - people (relatives, friends & even just acquaintances) asked constantly, how did you do it? And then make fun of our WOE. Why did you do it? Are you sick? And then would try their best to sabotage. So, we just don't talk about it anymore with anyone. Figure they are all adults, they can figure it out for themselves and the best way to get there. Go about your business, get healthy and *kitten* all the naysayers!

Tacklewasher

JaydedMiss wrote: »

My aunt is pretty infamous on these forums as a sabotager....a true one. She melts butter into my coffees when i pee....

Anyway unless shes packing lard into your food when your not looking she cant harm your efforts. just ignore it :P

Yeah, what's she done lately?

StealthHealth

• Avoid contact
• Ensure that you continue to stay in contact with your brother
• Keep quite about your weight/fitness goals

Spliner1969

Try not to sweat it so much. Take her up on the invites, but eat/drink responsibly. The sad truth is that there will always be people like that around you. The point of a new lifestyle is to learn to live with your new choices permanently so that you don't re-gain the weight after you lose it. Many people fail at this, and sometimes you have to fail several times to learn how to go forward and maintain. But, at some point you have to learn how not to count calories, how to prepare for excess calories in advance or how to pay for those excess calories after the fact. Because there are always going to be occasions where you'll eat more, or eat foods you wouldn't normally eat. What you do with that influx of calories make the difference between a person who keeps the weight off, and a person who gains it back and has to come 'diet' again. For me, I expect my journey to take several years. I managed to lose the weight in the first year, the second I managed to maintain it using the tools I have here at MFP. I'm in my third year now and thinking about the future, how I will transition away from counting calories and still maintain my weight. I'm not there yet. But part of it all is realizing that we're not perfect and stuff happens. If you can get past the sabotage and maintain your losses or your weight then you've already a step ahead of some of us. So I say use this person as the ultimate test. Eventually if she realizes she can't sabotage you, she'll probably give up.

kenyonhaff

shandalynnr wrote: »

Thanks everyone! It's hard because she admits she like to sabotage healthy eating, but it is up to me to keep my guns strong and stick with my diet!

She at least is being honest about what she does even if it's messed up. And you know what she does...that is huge. Sometimes people don't even realize that people are trying to sabotage them or how...and that's worse.

She is a challenge to your weight loss, and so you just need a plan. You can't always avoid this person because it's a family member and this isn't something worth alienating you, your spouse, or other family members.

What does she do that suckers you into eating? Guilt? Trying to please her? Not trying to look "anti-social"? She has some way to key into a need of yours...what is it?

Then, figure out how to run a new plan.
If you are invited to a party, you don't have to go.
You can invite her to your house instead.
You can bring your own dish to the party.
Invite her to Panera (or other eatery) where there are lots of great healthy choices.
Learn the phrases, "No thank you." "I appreciate your concern, but I've got an eating plan that works for me."
Get your spouse to run interference. You're a team.
Do a massive workout the day before the party, eat with relative abandon.

You have a lot of options you can take. It's best to have a bunch of tactics rather than just "stay strong"...it's more practical. The idea is to simply take control of yourself, your reactions, and the situation as much as possible rather than depend on "willpower".

kenyonhaff

tinkerbellang83 wrote: »

Ready2Rock206 wrote: »

Why are you even discussing your diet with her? You know how she is - what you eat shouldn't even be a topic of discussion with her.

Agree with this - if she is carrying on this way as soon as she finds out you're trying to eat healthier, just don't tell her - simples!

^ Agreed. You don't have to share you are dieting with everyone. And this sort of person I certainly wouldn't...that's giving her a lot of power that she doesn't deserve. She doesn't use that information to the other's person's benefit.

But the info is out and so that's a moot point now.

Anyway, I'd also add that this sort of dysfunctional person sometimes has a way to just sense a person is dieting.

pinksparklefairy

Just act super smug around her to wind her up. And give her lots of food facts e.g. someone you know with diabetes because they ate too much sugar and got fat.

AgidGirl

size102b wrote: »
Ignore her

Don't eat the food

Your responsible for you

She needs help

This!

ladyreva78

pinksparklefairy wrote: »

Just act super smug around her to wind her up. And give her lots of food facts e.g. someone you know with diabetes because they ate too much sugar and got fat.

That's a dangerous game to start playing as, in my experience, people like that are just waiting for the opportunity to out argue you.

It's much much much more effective to just ignore them.

When my SIL would make a comment about how I chose to live my life... My response would be "mmmhmm". When she criticized my brother (whom she chose to marry and has 4 kids with, btw)... My response would be "-". If she pushed, "mmm, sorry... wasn't paying attention" before turning away to do something else. When she told me to my face that I'm an idiot and socially incompetent... My response was to simply turn and walk away without saying a single word. Sometimes I'd just shrug as if really not getting what she's saying, but I never, ever bothered to argue with her.

I realized that I'm not willing to waste my energy on someone who's rude, who thinks she knows everything better and who, at her worst, was down right petty and hurtful. And it takes a lot less energy to say nothing and let them make fools of themselves then to get into those arguments. Because at the end of the day, you can't win those. No matter how accurate your facts are, or how good your arguments are, they'll keep on changing the argument to make what ever you're saying pointless.

kenyonhaff

pinksparklefairy wrote: »

Just act super smug around her to wind her up. And give her lots of food facts e.g. someone you know with diabetes because they ate too much sugar and got fat.

Er, I wouldn't try to act in such a way to a family member. It could well backfire because it would likely make her defensive which will make her angry. Also, this may make you look like an annoying know-it-all or sanctimonious. You would not actually be changing hearts, minds, or behavior. You would likely have people focus on your rude, sarcastic behavior.

I don't usually advise taking a snarky, sarcastic, or negative tact...not at first, anyway. Sometimes it is called for. But not as often as some people unwisely take.

But I always advise taking an approach that allows the other person a way to save face, that makes you look gracious, and does not make unnecessary drama.

MissDeeDee78

Sounds like my sister and your SIL should be twins, I find it tougher with immediate family. Mine is a bit of a bully, stick to your guns and politely refuse. If I must attend any of her functions, I try to eat a head of time and nibble on whatever she has prepared just to be polite.

SuzySunshine99

I agree with everyone who advises not to discuss your weight loss plan with anyone. I never did because:
A. It's no one else's business
B. I don't want comments or advice
C. Nobody cares

JaydedMiss

Tacklewasher wrote: »

JaydedMiss wrote: »

My aunt is pretty infamous on these forums as a sabotager....a true one. She melts butter into my coffees when i pee....

Anyway unless shes packing lard into your food when your not looking she cant harm your efforts. just ignore it :P

Yeah, what's she done lately?

not much honestly, But last week she tried to tell me im not getting skinny im losing muscle not fat (90 pounds down) because i eat to many carbs. Like okay i lift 400+ pounds at work often and im only 140 pounds...i totally lost my muscle XD Plus...i mean look at my profile pic....theres not alot of fat there anymore its VERY clear i lost weight and did it healthy xD Not sure why some people feel the need to just bash on others and spit woo at us.

inertiastrength

While it ultimately is up to you what you put in your mouth there is no denying there are people who would like to see you fail. Misery does love company! Just pass in the invite if she's going to make you out to be a stick in the mud when you get there and hold your ground.