I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
Replies
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Wrong way to start a bf/gf relationship, for one thing. Too many red flags for any kind of relationships: disrespect, abuse. Are you that desperate? There are still decent men left in this world2
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When single heterosexual women put out (or answer) a roommate ad and take in single heterosexual men they just met as a "roommate", it goes one of two ways. They start bunking together within 6 weeks and live happily ever after. Or they start bunking together within 6 weeks and things get really ugly.
I'm surprised none of you picked up on this fundamental piece of the original cause of the problem. As I'm sure a lot of you know of this common scenario - from either experiencing it personally or watching it unfold with others.
I've known it personally and watched it unfold with others. And I've never known of an exception to the outcomes described above.
hi! i'm an exception, nice to meet you!2 -
When single heterosexual women put out (or answer) a roommate ad and take in single heterosexual men they just met as a "roommate", it goes one of two ways. They start bunking together within 6 weeks and live happily ever after. Or they start bunking together within 6 weeks and things get really ugly.
I'm surprised none of you picked up on this fundamental piece of the original cause of the problem. As I'm sure a lot of you know of this common scenario - from either experiencing it personally or watching it unfold with others.
I've known it personally and watched it unfold with others. And I've never known of an exception to the outcomes described above.
Must mean it's how things always turn out then, right? I lived in NYC for 6 years, had various roommates, male & female. This has never happened to me before with a male/single roommate, most of which are still my friends to this day. I don't think this is a fair assumption that I should have known better.1 -
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.2 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Precisely.0 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.4 -
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_har_T_Swallow wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
on the flip side of that coin though- if you're the person who was cheated on, and you feel the need to snoop and/or have complete access to every one of the other person's outside communications, why even bother staying in the relationship if the trust is gone? like *when* does that control ever end? 1 year? 2 years? 5? 10? 2 months? its an impossible question to answer on any kind of general basis. just cut bait and find someone new who you don't have trust issues with then you know?
This is when the expression "Only time will tell" feels adequately inserted.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.0 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
I think that's a little bit much to give someone full reign of my facebook, including private conversations with my mother and sister, with my best friend, there's no reason someone should be able to access that. He logged on and found nothing that he was suspicious of in the first place.5 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
I think that's a little bit much to give someone full reign of my facebook, including private conversations with my mother and sister, with my best friend, there's no reason someone should be able to access that. He logged on and found nothing that he was suspicious of in the first place.
Then it's not worth it to you. Move on to the next person because he'll never trust you again.2 -
Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.4
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »OP, get out of this, don't look back. Never let any man hold power or any element of control. Your lesson learned here will go a long way in all aspects of life.
Next time, sign a legit attorney-approved document where your rights are protected in your living space. Are you in the US?
Eat up your ego and go back to your parents or whoever home that is. You can always move out again in a better manner.
Yeah, I'm in the US. I'm in NJ. I left for my mom's that night, and had my uncle come with me to get all of my belongings out of the house. (which he had rummaged through and threw into bags without my consent)1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?3 -
Please don't go back
Its text book abusing/controlling tbh. He will not stop until a. you entirely become under his control, b. he beats you up so hard you learn a horrible horrible lesson or c. you see through his *kitten* and don't go back.
Please make it C:
1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Good point. Age of the relationship definitely in play here. (Stroking beard)
At four months this is a total bail out.
Also given details he was rummaging through actual physical belonging (much different than looking for communications from a person on the other end of the city) is a huge problem.
Still I put blame 65% him/ 35% you. Both parties are at fault here.2 -
End that relationship permanently. The trust is gone, and without trust you are just asking for pain. He feels betrayed because of conversations he found, you feel betrayed by his snooping, it's just not going to get better.4
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.5 -
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I haven't been in this situation but have been in similarly controlling/manipulative relationships. I walk away and never look back. Block the number. Change ID on Facebook and other social media. Ghost.
Good luck, stay strong, and remember you.3 -
Walk away, don't look back. There are thousands of other people you could be in a relationship with.4
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Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.
Do you know how easy it is to breed jealousy and mistrust and manipulate it for power in a relationship? It's far too common and easy for people to say one thing and do another in order to provoke a response from someone. Tread lightly on the "cracked damn" theory. The strongest muscles are the ones that get torn down and rebuilt over time is another analogy that comes to mind that could just as easily fit and provide an alternative perspective.1 -
First of all check the laws in your state. Usually a 30 day notice is required prior to eviction.
Next, RUN. DON'T WALK BUT RUN FAR, FAR AWAY! This guy is practically screaming that he is a CONTROL FREAK. Please accept the "out" that has been handed to you via being kicked out and find someone who is not an insane nut job. I speak as a woman who has been in similar relation ships, though all of mine occurred before cell phones were invented so the privacy invasion wasn't what it would be now. He is prowling through your phone, reading your Facebook messages, and has likely searched you on this site also probably is reading this thread right freaking NOW.
So to summarize:
RUN AWAY! GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! LEAVE HIM! SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T GO BACK INTO THE MARSH!!!
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.2 -
Carillon_Campanello wrote: »Jealousy and mistrust are like a crack in a dam. Over time it'll just get worse and worse until it breaks. Be careful. If you're already asking these types of questions - you've likely came to the same conclusion that majority of others have.
Do you know how easy it is to breed jealousy and mistrust and manipulate it for power in a relationship? It's far too common and easy for people to say one thing and do another in order to provoke a response from someone. Tread lightly on the "cracked damn" theory. The strongest muscles are the ones that get torn down and rebuilt over time is another analogy that comes to mind that could just as easily fit and provide an alternative perspective.
Thanks for your input. I'm sticking to my comment and my opinion on the matter. But I appreciate your offer of a different way of think/analogy. I'm speaking from personal experience about being the jealous person. My jealousy and mistrust grew (with good reason, but regardless) until I couldn't handle it and broke.0 -
He may always look at you like you will hurt him because of what happened. Sometimes it is just better to move on. Just think really hard before you make a decision. It could easily become a yo-yo situation. What would be the reason to go back at this point?2
-
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »Yeah he invaded your privacy which is wrong but have you lied to him or done something that would cause him to not trust him? You aren't completely innocent here. Next time don't sext guys if you are in a healthy relationship.
She wasn't in a healthy relationship otherwise she wouldn't have reached out to other guys...and this guy has no excuse for doing what he did. He completely invaded her privacy. But I'm glad he did, because now she knows him for his true self and hopefully she can see that he's no good for her.
I don't think we know whether it was healthy prior to this. Some people reach out to others because they have problems with themselves, not an unhealthy relationship.
Of course we all want to take her side because she is the one here, but maybe if we heard the other side we would feel differently.
He is controlling, but maybe he wouldn't have been without a reason? I am just playing devil's advocate here because the fact is that we do NOT know. Half of the MFP population believes that we are all fake and make up stories about our lives anyway so who knows anymore.
I get that and I guess since this topic hits so close to home for me, being a former abused woman, I jump to her side immediately because I see the same patterns in this guy as in my ex. No, we don't know the whole story, just her side of it and could it be seen differently if we had his side, yes. But all we have to go on is what she's posted. I like to believe people are telling the truth until they prove otherwise. Most people that are in healthy relationships don't seek out attention from other people, which is why I theorized that she was not in a healthy relationship to begin with. And also, when you don't trust someone, the mature and sane way of handling that it is to talk to your mate and explain WHY you don't trust them. Not rummage through their private things!!!!
I don't disagree with you, but I also know people who have been on the opposite side of this. The pain of betrayal can make you do things and be constantly suspicious of someone. Once you lose trust it is very hard to gain it back, as it should be. People think an "I am sorry" fixes everything. It doesn't. I wouldn't stay with the guy either, but I also won't make the snap judgment that he is 100% wrong here.
He will never trust her again. THAT makes it very unhealthy and will lead to issues in the future for sure.
Live and learn.
I know that he is not 100% wrong in this situation. I agree that what happened during the first occurrence was wrong of me, I had some a couple conversations that really didn't make me look like a good person. I immediately, after he had gone through my phone, cut off all ties with this people. Did some serious soul searching as to why I was behaving like that, and had never done it again. I get that I was wrong the first time, but I don't believe it warrants him to be able to invade my privacy whenever he feels just so that he can check up on me in a sense.
Once you break that trust like that it's on you to open up all social media and any ways to communicate to build that trust with him again. If you don't you get what you got, him going through your Facebook. He will always feel like there is more he's missing until you open up everything to him. You have to put work in to build the trust.
Let me make something clear, he didn't just look at my facebook. He somehow hacked his way into my account and snooped around. Do you think I should have given him my password or something in the first place? Feels a little extreme.
Yes if you wanted to repair the damage you caused you should give him the passwords to all social media.
This is only fine advice if the relationship wasn't four months old (at best).
I won't go into detail but after my bf and I dated for a few years I sent some messages that I shouldn't have. He found out, and for a while afterwards I let him look at everything that I sent because I needed him to trust me again. I was okay with that because we were already in a long-term relationship and had a solid foundation to fall back on.
She met this guy in November. He hasn't yet earned the right to her passwords. The relationship is too new.
Did he not earn the right for her to not cheat?
It's crazy to me that a proposed solution is to give up all ounce of privacy? That's not trust, that's control.
If privacy is that important don't break trust.
I'll have to remember this advice, next time someone makes a mistake or a bad judgement call. Should this happen - I/them will be required to give up privacy.4
This discussion has been closed.
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