I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
Replies
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Thehardmakesitworthit wrote: »Do not go back. Just don't. I have spent 32 years not living my own life because I stayed. It is no way to live and the more time that goes by the unhealthier it becomes and then kids come into the picture and then you get old and lose your desire for your own life. Ugh. Don't go back.
Jeez, I'm really sorry. I never thought i'd be in a situation like this but now I see how easy it is to get suckered back into it. Are you out of it now?0 -
DrifterBear wrote: »DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.
It may come to a restraining order to feel safe, maybe go down to your local police station just to discuss options and get their opinion. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn for the future. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you do want to take steps to know your options and get some record of what's going on. Don't ever question whether you're overreacting. Just feeling unsafe warrants doing something about it.
I don't want to discourage you taking action to feel safe from him but it will take more than him hacking into your accounts for a restraining order.
Yeah, I know that unfortunately. I guess I mean if the phone calls continue or the demand for me coming back starts to escalate.0 -
DrifterBear wrote: »DrifterBear wrote: »Not catching up on the whole conversation here, just offering my $.02. First off, if the police use improper technique to collect evidence, the evidence is not admissible in court. Even if you 'cheated' his snooping almost becomes a bigger offence. That said, you both broke the trust too and it sounds like you're not getting it back.
The whole idea of a relationship is to figure out whether you can spend your life with someone... Unless you're just in it to have fun of course. Either way, this sounds like a *kitten* situation that's not headed anywhere. At a minimum, he doesn't sound like a very fun guy and at the maximum, how could you spend your life with someone constantly questioning and tracking you. My basic philosophy in a relationship is as soon as it comes to that point, it's over. PERIOD.
If it was an exclusive relationship and if you were 'cheating' (physically or emotionally), then you might want to not do that next time if you want a lasting monogamous relationship. But this guy sounds controlling , manipulative, and all sorts of crazy. I'd suggest changing passwords, moving, and if necessary, getting a restraining order if it comes to that.
Yeah, I definitely learned my lesson there. I made sure to change my passwords on everything I could think of, just worries me because he didn't know my password and I'm pretty positive he did some hacking to get into my facebook so I still don't feel safe or protected. I had considered a restraining order and will do so if he continues to be invasive.
It may come to a restraining order to feel safe, maybe go down to your local police station just to discuss options and get their opinion. Every experience in life is an opportunity to learn for the future. I'm sure you'll be fine, but you do want to take steps to know your options and get some record of what's going on. Don't ever question whether you're overreacting. Just feeling unsafe warrants doing something about it.
I don't want to discourage you taking action to feel safe from him but it will take more than him hacking into your accounts for a restraining order.
Yeah, I know that unfortunately. I guess I mean if the phone calls continue or the demand for me coming back starts to escalate.
That's my point, it's about what happens when (if) it escalates. Don't panic but don't dismiss it either, these things become serious sometimes. It's not a big deal to go to a police station and explain the situation. They'll tell you what options you have, what to look for and maybe give you some suggestions on how to make it stop.1 -
OMG..... this too.. sigh. I also have been "that" woman. I had a guy who seemed only to love me because I could serve as a baby sitter and a maid, and other who miraculously refused to work once we moved in together. When I finally got fed up and was planning to leave he said, "But the rent is due and the phone bill!" Not, "I love you, let's work this out." He wanted me to pay his way while he went out doing what ever he wanted to do with his money once he finally did get a job and if I tried saving any money he acted like I was committing a sin because that meant he had to come up with some cash for his share of the expenses.
So just to be clear what we have here is
1) He refuses to trust you again.
2) He wants to control your social activity.
3) He needs your money.
Yes. Get out and don't go back. This guy is no good.3 -
Even if he was to propose, this is not the kind of relationship you want to be in. Get out ASAP.
Good luck oxox1 -
You shouldn't have been sexting, if you were in an exclusive relationship.4
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SO... he just showed up at my mom's house unannounced (from 2 hours away). He calls me and asks me to come outside, he's bawling on the phone, I refused to come out. He's begging for me back. This is the most insane thing that's ever happened to me. I really don't know what to do.1
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Don't go outside alone - or at all3
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You are right, it is scary. I wish I could advise you better...Just keep yourself safe. Is your family at home with
you?0 -
_har_T_Swallow wrote: »yeah prob time to block his number and all that.
next thing you know he'll be calling at like 1am threatening suicide "i can't live without you bby" etc
(side note- if that happens, don't say anything just call the police and tell them- that'll scare him straight if he's just putting it all on for show. and if it isn't for show, then he needs help anyhow)
I agree 100%1 -
In my opinion, any relationship should have its boundaries and rules;
Especially for an emotional relationship, which based on logic and reason, being faithful is the most integral part!
If a relationship lacks logic, its madness and deserve to be cut; if its based on logic, than logic would keep it tight!0 -
There is another important point!
You need to distinguish between love and passion;
According to an oriental philosopher, love is a Fire which destroys everyone and everything, but the beloved!
But passion is like a paper tissue; when you set Fire on in, it would rapidly burn but extinguishes even faster3 -
Never go back what a crazy guy0
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On the bright side Your stupidity saved you from getting deeper involved with a crazy man4
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As a dude let me say this. Get Out!. He's is 100% not going to get better and start trusting you. This guy has serious insecurities and the fact that he's already invaded your personal space (phone and fb) is a sign he has no control acting on those insecurities. If it was just asking you constantly where you are, maybe that he could change. But this is way to much. Get Out.2
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I wasn't going to contribute to this thread, but report this incident at your mother's house to the police immediately if you haven't already. They may or may not be able to do anything at the moment, but documenting potential patterns or escalating behaviors is necessary if you need to get a restraining order.
Next time just call the police when he's there.1 -
Don't go back.
It won't change, that is how he is. He has trust issues, that isn't go to change.
We all think we can fix broken people when we are in this situation, but that is who they are, no matter how many times they say they can change etc...
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just move on and dont go back.
You obviously set a lot of insecurity in the guy by going off with other men which I think you should have been open about from the beginning. Perhaps he picked up on odd body language that drove him to check your phone. Obviously lack of trust.
Whilst everyone here is blaming the guy because of the picture you have portrayed. I think his motivations are led by your actions.
Please be honest now - does he like you more than you like him? Did you use him a little bit?3 -
Hey all, I'm going to try to make a long story short but I'm really struggling right now and hoping that someone could give me some insight and/or support that I'm making the right decision.
November of last year, I decided to move out of my house. I found a roommate on craigslist and decided to move in with him. Seemed like a nice enough guy, very respectful.. even helped me move. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship one drunken night he decided to go through my phone, saw some conversations he didn't like with other guys and kicked me out of the house. Now, I admit that I'm at fault for having these conversations and I apologized to him. He agreed to have me back in the house. I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone, but I felt like I wouldn't give him too much grief for it since I was talking to other people. After I moved back in, things were okay, but he started questioning everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was, etc. He'd get suspicious if I had to stay late at work or run errands. He didn't like that I kept a password on my phone and changed messages to only read "imessage" instead of the actual text. It began to feel controlling. He'd ask me everyday if I was talking to these guys, who I had blocked and cut off all contact with. Now... a few days ago he tells me he had gone into my facebook and read my convos with people, he saw one conversation that I had with a friend of mine about how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live. He flipped out, told me I had mental issues... and that night I left. He's been contacting me constantly apologizing about invading my privacy but he just felt so "betrayed" and that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring. He wants me back in the house after all of this. I really don't want to go back for fear that this might all happen again. But he believes I should give him a second chance because he gave me one. Am I crazy or is this controlling behavior?
TL;DR - my boyfriend/roommate has gone through my phone/facebook conversations twice and kicked me out twice. now wants me back. how do I handle this?
run away. now.2
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