I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice

elpint0r

Hey all, I'm going to try to make a long story short but I'm really struggling right now and hoping that someone could give me some insight and/or support that I'm making the right decision.

November of last year, I decided to move out of my house. I found a roommate on craigslist and decided to move in with him. Seemed like a nice enough guy, very respectful.. even helped me move. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship one drunken night he decided to go through my phone, saw some conversations he didn't like with other guys and kicked me out of the house. Now, I admit that I'm at fault for having these conversations and I apologized to him. He agreed to have me back in the house. I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone, but I felt like I wouldn't give him too much grief for it since I was talking to other people. After I moved back in, things were okay, but he started questioning everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was, etc. He'd get suspicious if I had to stay late at work or run errands. He didn't like that I kept a password on my phone and changed messages to only read "imessage" instead of the actual text. It began to feel controlling. He'd ask me everyday if I was talking to these guys, who I had blocked and cut off all contact with. Now... a few days ago he tells me he had gone into my facebook and read my convos with people, he saw one conversation that I had with a friend of mine about how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live. He flipped out, told me I had mental issues... and that night I left. He's been contacting me constantly apologizing about invading my privacy but he just felt so "betrayed" and that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring. He wants me back in the house after all of this. I really don't want to go back for fear that this might all happen again. But he believes I should give him a second chance because he gave me one. Am I crazy or is this controlling behavior?

TL;DR - my boyfriend/roommate has gone through my phone/facebook conversations twice and kicked me out twice. now wants me back. how do I handle this?

Timshel_

Don't go back.

RunHardBeStrong

Move on, they always pull out the "I was going to propose to you" card when they feel you slipping away. Did you guys have an exclusivity agreement? Nevermind, it doesn't matter. He is controlling and you deserve better than that.

elpint0r

RunHardBeStrong wrote: »

Move on, they always pull out the "I was going to propose to you" card when they feel you slipping away. Did you guys have an exclusivity agreement? Nevermind, it doesn't matter. He is controlling and you deserve better than that.

We did - we were in an exclusive relationship. He had just seen 'sexts' the first time that he didn't like.

Ben_there_done_that

Yeah, I agree with the other posters. That's controlling and he's never going to fully trust you. You don't need that hanging over your head. I think it's time to move on.

brittanica2491

I don't think the second chance he gave you was as bad as him going through your conversations once again. I'd give it some time before you go back. Seems like he's going to continue to not trust you and that's important in a relationship.

elpint0r

hopeanchorsthesoul08 wrote: »

I don't think the second chance he gave you was as bad as him going through your conversations once again. I'd give it some time before you go back. Seems like he's going to continue to not trust you and that's important in a relationship.

That's how I view it as well. You can't just pry into my life and look for things you don't like. I think he believes that I need to earn his trust again and therefor comply with his paranoia and suspicion.

Just_J_Now

You guys started out as roommates and then hooked up. Maybe you need to rewind a bit. You don't necessarily need to break up (unless you want to) but why live together. He needs to work out those trust issues because he does sound very controlling and going through your phone and messages is invading your privacy. You said yourself you really don't want to go back so you shouldn't. Follow your gut instinct.

PrincessMel72

All I can see is his controlling behavior and that's a HUGE red flag to me. And if you do end up marrying him, it'll only get worse...

RunHardBeStrong

This reminds me of when I was 18 and breaking up with my first real serious everything boyfriend.. we had been together a few years, he was my first everything. I knew he had cheated on me, I decided to end it. He pulled the but I bought you an engagement ring while I was at basic training card. I called his bluff and asked him to see it. Then he said he threw it out the plane on his way back from basic training. I just got up and walked out shaking my head.

kq1981

Speaking from experience, control starts off small an escalates to a point were youre scared to even spend time with friends for fear of angering the jealous partner and withdraw from everything. Get out now. Before it's 3 years down the track and you're a shell of yrself.

elpint0r

_har_T_Swallow wrote: »

"Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship..."

so was this actually a relationship then with defined boundaries and everything? or was this just kind of a "more than roommates" scenario? like did you/he tell other people ya'll were a couple?

"I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone"

yeah regardless of the state of the relationship that's pretty wack.

"how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live"

sounds like it was pretty controlling. this is a good move in the right direction.

"he was planning on buying me an engagement ring"

nah he wasn't. that's just a hail mary from the back of the playbook.

"how do I handle this?"

find a new place to stay. don't ever hookup with a roommate again. change your number. delete facebook. hit the gym.

Thank you for all of this. I think at first it was just hooking up, but we started to develop real feelings for eachother and did decide that we'd be a couple. Wasn't facebook official yet or anything (ha) but mutually we had that understanding.

I have to totally delete my facebook?! I blocked him on social media for the most part, hopefully that's enough.

tcunbeliever

It's obvious that YOU don't want to go back to him...so why are even considering it just because he thinks you should??? You are the only one qualified to make your life decisions, you are the only one who controls your future, you do what you think is right, and it seems to me you already know what that is, don't you???

NorthCascades

The answer is pretty obvious to me, but I'm not the one making the decision here, so that doesn't matter.

You should make two lists. Like, go find a piece of paper, and a pen. Write down everything you like about him in relation to you; I don't mean the things you like about having someone, but the things that you like about him that are unique to him. Then, make a list of the things you don't like about this relationship, like being kicked out of your home where you live. Then, compare the two lists, and they'll answer this for you.

beagletracks

Don't go back. It will get worse. Get away while you can.

Motorsheen

MeganAM89 wrote: »

indigoblue9572 wrote: »

All I can see is his controlling behavior and that's a HUGE red flag to me. And if you do end up marrying him, it'll only get worse...

I agree. Massive red flag, especially so soon into a relationship.

Don't go back.

This.

MonkeyMel21

Don't waste anymore of your time. He is very controlling. Do you want to deal with that for the rest of your life? I wouldn't. It's best to stay out now that you're already out.

PrincessMel72

And I'm speaking from direct experience. At first, I thought his control was "concern" for me. He was a master manipulator and conned me into marrying him. After that, it just got worse because now I was his "property" as his wife. It then escalated to the point where my daughter and I were walking on eggshells around him doing anything and everything not to anger him. He became violent.

I was late from work one day and my phone was dead because I'd forgotten my charger. By the time I got home, he'd already locked my daughter in her room and proceeded to scream at me, accusing me of going out with some guy and then the beatings started. He threatened to kill me and my daughter if I ever left him. He choked me right in front of her to the point where I passed out and then told her that she was next. She was just a little girl and was scared to death of him.

It took me 7 yrs, losing custody of my daughter who went to live with her dad, losing lots of friends and family and also cost me jobs and money (he stole from me) before I could finally break free of him. I later found out I was wife #4, he had 4 kids by 2 different women, was a massive child support and tax evader, owing close to 50K and now he's moved on to victim #5 and married her. There's a ton more to this but you get the idea. It starts out little but gets way worse really quickly.

GaleHawkins

Having two near your age and friends with kids that have moved out with guys I expect you know what to do and I hope you find the courage to act in your short/long term future.

Guys seldom change for the better but often change for the worse.

Do you have a bridge to go back home or find your own place? @indigoblue9572 gives good advice. Parents hands are often tied in cases like this. The rest of us will get on with our lives either way you go but do wish the best for you. It is your future. Currently you are free to act in your own best interest without going into the court system.