I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice

elpint0r
elpint0r Posts: 99 Member
edited November 17 in Chit-Chat
Hey all, I'm going to try to make a long story short but I'm really struggling right now and hoping that someone could give me some insight and/or support that I'm making the right decision.

November of last year, I decided to move out of my house. I found a roommate on craigslist and decided to move in with him. Seemed like a nice enough guy, very respectful.. even helped me move. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship one drunken night he decided to go through my phone, saw some conversations he didn't like with other guys and kicked me out of the house. Now, I admit that I'm at fault for having these conversations and I apologized to him. He agreed to have me back in the house. I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone, but I felt like I wouldn't give him too much grief for it since I was talking to other people. After I moved back in, things were okay, but he started questioning everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was, etc. He'd get suspicious if I had to stay late at work or run errands. He didn't like that I kept a password on my phone and changed messages to only read "imessage" instead of the actual text. It began to feel controlling. He'd ask me everyday if I was talking to these guys, who I had blocked and cut off all contact with. Now... a few days ago he tells me he had gone into my facebook and read my convos with people, he saw one conversation that I had with a friend of mine about how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live. He flipped out, told me I had mental issues... and that night I left. He's been contacting me constantly apologizing about invading my privacy but he just felt so "betrayed" and that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring. He wants me back in the house after all of this. I really don't want to go back for fear that this might all happen again. But he believes I should give him a second chance because he gave me one. Am I crazy or is this controlling behavior?

TL;DR - my boyfriend/roommate has gone through my phone/facebook conversations twice and kicked me out twice. now wants me back. how do I handle this?

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Replies

  • elpint0r
    elpint0r Posts: 99 Member
    RunHardBeStrong wrote: »
    Move on, they always pull out the "I was going to propose to you" card when they feel you slipping away. Did you guys have an exclusivity agreement? Nevermind, it doesn't matter. He is controlling and you deserve better than that.

    We did - we were in an exclusive relationship. He had just seen 'sexts' the first time that he didn't like.
  • Ben_there_done_that
    Ben_there_done_that Posts: 732 Member
    Yeah, I agree with the other posters. That's controlling and he's never going to fully trust you. You don't need that hanging over your head. I think it's time to move on.
  • brittanica2491
    brittanica2491 Posts: 714 Member
    I don't think the second chance he gave you was as bad as him going through your conversations once again. I'd give it some time before you go back. Seems like he's going to continue to not trust you and that's important in a relationship.
  • elpint0r
    elpint0r Posts: 99 Member
    hopeanchorsthesoul08 wrote: »
    I don't think the second chance he gave you was as bad as him going through your conversations once again. I'd give it some time before you go back. Seems like he's going to continue to not trust you and that's important in a relationship.

    That's how I view it as well. You can't just pry into my life and look for things you don't like. I think he believes that I need to earn his trust again and therefor comply with his paranoia and suspicion.
  • Just_J_Now
    Just_J_Now Posts: 9,551 Member
    You guys started out as roommates and then hooked up. Maybe you need to rewind a bit. You don't necessarily need to break up (unless you want to) but why live together. He needs to work out those trust issues because he does sound very controlling and going through your phone and messages is invading your privacy. You said yourself you really don't want to go back so you shouldn't. Follow your gut instinct.
  • elpint0r
    elpint0r Posts: 99 Member
    _har_T_Swallow wrote: »
    "Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship..."

    so was this actually a relationship then with defined boundaries and everything? or was this just kind of a "more than roommates" scenario? like did you/he tell other people ya'll were a couple?

    "I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone"

    yeah regardless of the state of the relationship that's pretty wack.

    "how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live"

    sounds like it was pretty controlling. this is a good move in the right direction.

    "he was planning on buying me an engagement ring"

    nah he wasn't. that's just a hail mary from the back of the playbook.

    "how do I handle this?"

    find a new place to stay. don't ever hookup with a roommate again. change your number. delete facebook. hit the gym.

    Thank you for all of this. I think at first it was just hooking up, but we started to develop real feelings for eachother and did decide that we'd be a couple. Wasn't facebook official yet or anything (ha) but mutually we had that understanding.

    I have to totally delete my facebook?! I blocked him on social media for the most part, hopefully that's enough.
  • GaleHawkins
    GaleHawkins Posts: 8,159 Member
    Having two near your age and friends with kids that have moved out with guys I expect you know what to do and I hope you find the courage to act in your short/long term future.

    Guys seldom change for the better but often change for the worse.

    Do you have a bridge to go back home or find your own place? @indigoblue9572 gives good advice. Parents hands are often tied in cases like this. The rest of us will get on with our lives either way you go but do wish the best for you. It is your future. Currently you are free to act in your own best interest without going into the court system.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    You found a sperm donor on craigslist. Not judging. Nope. Not me.
  • jessiferrrb
    jessiferrrb Posts: 1,758 Member
    i wouldn't go back. it seems like you're more casual about the relationship than he is and he isn't handling that very well. cut your losses, move on, he sounds like a controlling insecure person who could become volatile. and truthfully, he doesn't have much reason to trust you based on past behavior. NOT that it excuses blatant violation of your privacy, but you guys don't seem suited for each other.
  • PrincessMel72
    PrincessMel72 Posts: 1,094 Member
    @Cutaway_Collar You're not the first person who's told me that! And one of his ex girlfriends found me on Facebook through one of his family members that I'm still friends with and contacted me asking me if he did the same things to me as he'd done to her. We became fast friends, comparing our very parallel lives with this man. We even contacted the new wife to let her know what he'd done to us. Of course, she's already brainwashed. It's very sad that he gets away with his horrific behavior. He's super smooth and manipulates people so well. He's a sociopath
  • lutzsher
    lutzsher Posts: 1,153 Member
    There are just SO many people who stay in a bad relationship because they love the "idea" of how good the relationship "could" be. They don't confront the reality of what it actually is. Love is a two way street but to actually be truly in a loving relationship there has to be respect and trust. If there is not respect and trust then you are just kidding yourself and should RUN, not walk away.
    Jealousy and mistrust has no place in a truly loving relationship. I have been with my husband for 20 years and have never once felt that he was controlling nor has he displayed any of the awful traits you describe. That is NOT love, it is a controlling boy that you need to block and stay away from. You deserve a true love not this boy-child.
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