I need some nonjudgemental (relationship) advice
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I wasn't going to contribute to this thread, but report this incident at your mother's house to the police immediately if you haven't already. They may or may not be able to do anything at the moment, but documenting potential patterns or escalating behaviors is necessary if you need to get a restraining order.
Next time just call the police when he's there.1 -
Don't go back.
It won't change, that is how he is. He has trust issues, that isn't go to change.
We all think we can fix broken people when we are in this situation, but that is who they are, no matter how many times they say they can change etc...
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just move on and dont go back.
You obviously set a lot of insecurity in the guy by going off with other men which I think you should have been open about from the beginning. Perhaps he picked up on odd body language that drove him to check your phone. Obviously lack of trust.
Whilst everyone here is blaming the guy because of the picture you have portrayed. I think his motivations are led by your actions.
Please be honest now - does he like you more than you like him? Did you use him a little bit?3 -
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Hey all, I'm going to try to make a long story short but I'm really struggling right now and hoping that someone could give me some insight and/or support that I'm making the right decision.
November of last year, I decided to move out of my house. I found a roommate on craigslist and decided to move in with him. Seemed like a nice enough guy, very respectful.. even helped me move. Fast forward a couple weeks, and we start to spend time together and actually really like each other. A few months into the relationship one drunken night he decided to go through my phone, saw some conversations he didn't like with other guys and kicked me out of the house. Now, I admit that I'm at fault for having these conversations and I apologized to him. He agreed to have me back in the house. I really did NOT like that he had gone through my phone, but I felt like I wouldn't give him too much grief for it since I was talking to other people. After I moved back in, things were okay, but he started questioning everything I was doing, who I was with, where I was, etc. He'd get suspicious if I had to stay late at work or run errands. He didn't like that I kept a password on my phone and changed messages to only read "imessage" instead of the actual text. It began to feel controlling. He'd ask me everyday if I was talking to these guys, who I had blocked and cut off all contact with. Now... a few days ago he tells me he had gone into my facebook and read my convos with people, he saw one conversation that I had with a friend of mine about how I felt the relationship was controlling and I might start looking for a place to live. He flipped out, told me I had mental issues... and that night I left. He's been contacting me constantly apologizing about invading my privacy but he just felt so "betrayed" and that he was planning on buying me an engagement ring. He wants me back in the house after all of this. I really don't want to go back for fear that this might all happen again. But he believes I should give him a second chance because he gave me one. Am I crazy or is this controlling behavior?
TL;DR - my boyfriend/roommate has gone through my phone/facebook conversations twice and kicked me out twice. now wants me back. how do I handle this?
run away. now.2 -
littlejen1983 wrote: »Don't go back.
It won't change, that is how he is. He has trust issues, that isn't go to change.
We all think we can fix broken people when we are in this situation, but that is who they are, no matter how many times they say they can change etc...
he cant change? She's hardly innocent if shes going behind his back and cheating on him? (cheating is open to definition here *rolls eyes*)
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Neither of you are perfect in this story, but he sounds dangerous. Move on, and learn for the future about wanting to be in a one-one relationship or not.3
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Relationships aren't about scoring points, or getting 'revenge' or making it 'equal' (you did this so that means I can do that, or you have to make it up to me, etc).
You're a pretty girl and could have anyone. Why settle?
<EDIT> just read some more comments. Wow. This is not normal. You need to stop talking to him and be clear that it has ended. As you said, take out a restraining order if you need to. Scary.0 -
What you tolerate, you receive in abundance.3
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He showed up at the place you're now staying and is bawling and begging for you to come back is just a ploy. Do not fall for it. Mine did the same thing, over and over again and I always fell for it because I was weak and thought he was really changing THIS time. He never did. He was sweet for anywhere from a day to a month, but then settled right back into his controlling, jealous and abusive ways. Please delete all traces of this guy, block him, take out a protection order against him, file police reports - do whatever it is you need to do to ensure your safety. He is NO good, period.5
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Scary situation. Keep your eye lids up. You just don't know what he may do. When people are desperate they do desperate things. I would make a police report if you have not already. Make sure you tell him NOT to contact you again. Send this in a written message via email because then you will have a time and date stamp on the thing. Print it and put it in a folder along with copies of any and all police reports as well as a written log complete with dates, times, places, any one who is there to witness anything and as detailed as possible description of any and all run-ins with this guy. One of the biggest mistakes to make (aside from going back to him) would be to miss the chance to collect proof that he is crazy.1
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SpotLighttt wrote: »just move on and dont go back.
You obviously set a lot of insecurity in the guy by going off with other men which I think you should have been open about from the beginning. Perhaps he picked up on odd body language that drove him to check your phone. Obviously lack of trust.
Whilst everyone here is blaming the guy because of the picture you have portrayed. I think his motivations are led by your actions.
Please be honest now - does he like you more than you like him? Did you use him a little bit?
Yes, she did a *kitten* thing by cheating on him, which she has acknowledged and admitted is *kitten*. His response is disproportionate and over the top, and rapidly escalating to harassment. When you have been wronged in a relationship, you have to decide whether you can work through it as a couple, which includes forgiving and rebuilding trust. If you can't do that, it's ok--it's super hard!--but in that case, you need to end the relationship and go your separate ways. To stay in a relationship where you've been wronged and you can't or won't move on is self-torture at best, and an attempt to punish the other person by guilting them to death at worst. She had a choice not to cheat, and he had a choice to walk away if he was unable to move on from the cheating. To infer that she deserves what's happening bc she cheated is gaslighting. I highly doubt she'll make that choice again in light of this situation.2 -
O wow, so many red flags!
1- a rational non-controlling person does not go through someone's phone
2- a rational non controlling person does not kick some one out of their house unless they are in fear for their life
3- He refuses to address the issue and move on- ie continuing to be suspicious, go through your stuff, reading your FB, etc
4-accused you of having mental issues
5- is trying to isolate you from your friends
6-pushing for a fast engagement- a classic abuser tactic
7- laying all the blame on you - he feels 'betrayed' he gave you a 'second chance' so you owe him one
please don't go back- if you left stuff there and really need it go with several friends to get it. You deserve better than this! Even if it means temp moving back into the family home, that is far better then a controlling, verbally abusive (and who knows when it will slide into physical abuse, which I am sure he will be very apologetic after it happens)1 -
amyinthetardis1231 wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »just move on and dont go back.
You obviously set a lot of insecurity in the guy by going off with other men which I think you should have been open about from the beginning. Perhaps he picked up on odd body language that drove him to check your phone. Obviously lack of trust.
Whilst everyone here is blaming the guy because of the picture you have portrayed. I think his motivations are led by your actions.
Please be honest now - does he like you more than you like him? Did you use him a little bit?
Yes, she did a *kitten* thing by cheating on him, which she has acknowledged and admitted is *kitten*. His response is disproportionate and over the top, and rapidly escalating to harassment. When you have been wronged in a relationship, you have to decide whether you can work through it as a couple, which includes forgiving and rebuilding trust. If you can't do that, it's ok--it's super hard!--but in that case, you need to end the relationship and go your separate ways. To stay in a relationship where you've been wronged and you can't or won't move on is self-torture at best, and an attempt to punish the other person by guilting them to death at worst. She had a choice not to cheat, and he had a choice to walk away if he was unable to move on from the cheating. To infer that she deserves what's happening bc she cheated is gaslighting. I highly doubt she'll make that choice again in light of this situation.
I was in agreement with you initially and then you showed bias right at the end. How do you know she won't do it again or has regret?
...it sounds like you are dismissing her behavior as a-okay just because she admitted to it? She didn't really have a choice. He found out by going through her phone. If he didn't go through her phone (his doubts obviously confirmed).. would she have stopped? Would she have continued betraying him? If she continued betraying him, would it still be okay as long as she admits it in the end?
To say his behavior is over the top but hers is passably okay is mind numbing to say the least. If anything, it sounds like she played with his emotions and pushed him to the extreme. I don't condone controlling behavior but I definitely see where this insecurity is coming from and to just accuse him of being some mental abusive man when she's well... you know what I am getting at, is plain wrong!
I think she should walk away and find a man that truly suits her. He's not the one for her.
You are calling him a gas lighter - whats your opinion of her?0 -
O wow, so many red flags!
1- a rational non-controlling person does not go through someone's phone
2- a rational non controlling person does not kick some one out of their house unless they are in fear for their life
3- He refuses to address the issue and move on- ie continuing to be suspicious, go through your stuff, reading your FB, etc
4-accused you of having mental issues
5- is trying to isolate you from your friends
6-pushing for a fast engagement- a classic abuser tactic
7- laying all the blame on you - he feels 'betrayed' he gave you a 'second chance' so you owe him one
please don't go back- if you left stuff there and really need it go with several friends to get it. You deserve better than this! Even if it means temp moving back into the family home, that is far better then a controlling, verbally abusive (and who knows when it will slide into physical abuse, which I am sure he will be very apologetic after it happens)
deserve better as in a guy that would forgive her for going off with several blokes?
I dont understand. Better as in how? Should he drive her to the men she's additionally seeing?
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run far far away and NEVER look back. Dude sounds psycho controlling.0
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walk away find a new place and chalk this up to lesson learned!0
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Next time call the police and get a restraining order. Everything he is doing is *kitten* up but that is taking it to the next level.0 -
SpotLighttt wrote: »amyinthetardis1231 wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »just move on and dont go back.
You obviously set a lot of insecurity in the guy by going off with other men which I think you should have been open about from the beginning. Perhaps he picked up on odd body language that drove him to check your phone. Obviously lack of trust.
Whilst everyone here is blaming the guy because of the picture you have portrayed. I think his motivations are led by your actions.
Please be honest now - does he like you more than you like him? Did you use him a little bit?
Yes, she did a *kitten* thing by cheating on him, which she has acknowledged and admitted is *kitten*. His response is disproportionate and over the top, and rapidly escalating to harassment. When you have been wronged in a relationship, you have to decide whether you can work through it as a couple, which includes forgiving and rebuilding trust. If you can't do that, it's ok--it's super hard!--but in that case, you need to end the relationship and go your separate ways. To stay in a relationship where you've been wronged and you can't or won't move on is self-torture at best, and an attempt to punish the other person by guilting them to death at worst. She had a choice not to cheat, and he had a choice to walk away if he was unable to move on from the cheating. To infer that she deserves what's happening bc she cheated is gaslighting. I highly doubt she'll make that choice again in light of this situation.
I was in agreement with you initially and then you showed bias right at the end. How do you know she won't do it again or has regret?
...it sounds like you are dismissing her behavior as a-okay just because she admitted to it? She didn't really have a choice. He found out by going through her phone. If he didn't go through her phone (his doubts obviously confirmed).. would she have stopped? Would she have continued betraying him? If she continued betraying him, would it still be okay as long as she admits it in the end?
To say his behavior is over the top but hers is passably okay is mind numbing to say the least. If anything, it sounds like she played with his emotions and pushed him to the extreme. I don't condone controlling behavior but I definitely see where this insecurity is coming from and to just accuse him of being some mental abusive man when she's well... you know what I am getting at, is plain wrong!
I think she should walk away and find a man that truly suits her. He's not the one for her.
You are calling him a gas lighter - whats your opinion of her?
Where did I say her behavior was ok? I said it was *kitten* behavior to cheat on her partner, which she has openly admitted and showed remorse for. She stopped after she was caught, whereas he is escalating at this point. Her hurting him by cheating doesn't justify him continually harassing her after she stopped and they broke up. If she cheats on her next partner, she will be making a bad choice and she will deserve the hurt and anger that her partner will feel. However, there is a huge difference between feeling suspicion, hurt, anger, etc and behaving in ways that are abusive or controlling. I said I doubt she will do this again because she is in a situation that is causing her a lot of fear, worry, guilt, etc, and because I think she understands that her role in this was not good. I fail to see how differentiating between her appropriate guilt over cheating and his over the top continuing harassment and emotional manipulation is somehow giving her a free pass.2 -
Speaking from experience with both sides of the relationship, it will not work. It's clear he doesn't trust you and probably never will. It's very difficult if not impossible to get that back once broken. Every little problem you have for the rest of your relationship those texts will be thrown in your face. Not to mention the fact that he is talking about an engagement ring now?? That's desperation talking and that can be scary too. I'd walk if I were you.1
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SO... he just showed up at my mom's house unannounced (from 2 hours away). He calls me and asks me to come outside, he's bawling on the phone, I refused to come out. He's begging for me back. This is the most insane thing that's ever happened to me. I really don't know what to do.
Read up on emotional abuse.
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotionally-abusive-men-and-women-who-are-they/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
I think you made mistakes but it does not justify hacking into your facebook/phone, checking up on you constantly, going through your stuff, kicking you out twice, crying for you to come back. This is not a healthy person or relationship. Do not go back whatever he says. I know people who were convinced to go back to emotionally abusive kind of relationship and it did not get better at all. Then they married the person, had kids and felt even more stuck.
Be more careful about relationships/roommates in future.1 -
You had me at craigslist. Good luck!5
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You were unfaithful and got caught. You did wrong and that is on you. I wouldn't trust you either. That said, GET OUT NOW! Do not communicate with him at all. It will only encourage him. Absolutely watch your back and be careful for a while. Also, please understand that your safety is 100% on you. A restraining order can be useful but it won't do anything to protect you.4
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stay away. obvious red flags. don't go back.1
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I am going to add to my previous advice. If you are out and about with or have any males (relatives or not) coming to see you they should also watch out. I had the experience of an insane ex following and making threats against someone new I was seeing at that time. You don't how deep this crazy goes, so yeah. Leave no stone unturned here.2
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Just a practical consideration here: be careful, get support so if/when you move, you take all your stuff in one quick move he doesn't know about, don't let him know your new address, and document everything in case you need to go to small claims. The financial consequences are real when people break a lease agreement or move out of a rental. You don't want him ditching on move out costs, utility bills, unpaid rent, etc. And you almost always have to give 30 days notice unless there is a domestic violence issue going on.
TLDR: Deal with the relationship but be careful of your safety AND very methodically plan to avoid the financial consequences of this situation.0 -
SO... he just showed up at my mom's house unannounced (from 2 hours away). He calls me and asks me to come outside, he's bawling on the phone, I refused to come out. He's begging for me back. This is the most insane thing that's ever happened to me. I really don't know what to do.
Read up on emotional abuse.
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotionally-abusive-men-and-women-who-are-they/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/types-of-violence/emotional-abuse.html
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
I think you made mistakes but it does not justify hacking into your facebook/phone, checking up on you constantly, going through your stuff, kicking you out twice, crying for you to come back. This is not a healthy person or relationship. Do not go back whatever he says. I know people who were convinced to go back to emotionally abusive kind of relationship and it did not get better at all. Then they married the person, had kids and felt even more stuck.
Be more careful about relationships/roommates in future.
I'm starting to think that you talking to other guys or him going through your phone so soon in the relationship, did you a favor. Better to find this out now, before you have more things to sort through and time invested. Obviously, he's had these issues - you didn't just magically create this behavior in someone...
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I say go back. And i would ask him to marry you. You sound pretty progressive and i think you can handle. After youre married, start asking if you can bring these guys you have been talking to into the relationship. Tell him its for the marriage. Get knocked up by a different guy and say its his kid too. Just my two cents3
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Thehardmakesitworthit wrote: »Do not go back. Just don't. I have spent 32 years not living my own life because I stayed. It is no way to live and the more time that goes by the unhealthier it becomes and then kids come into the picture and then you get old and lose your desire for your own life. Ugh. Don't go back.
Jeez, I'm really sorry. I never thought i'd be in a situation like this but now I see how easy it is to get suckered back into it. Are you out of it now?
No, I am not out of it. 32 years and counting. Although as I have gotten older I have found more of a voice. You already know in your heart the answer love, just move on and don't look back. Good Luck0 -
Thehardmakesitworthit wrote: »Thehardmakesitworthit wrote: »Do not go back. Just don't. I have spent 32 years not living my own life because I stayed. It is no way to live and the more time that goes by the unhealthier it becomes and then kids come into the picture and then you get old and lose your desire for your own life. Ugh. Don't go back.
Jeez, I'm really sorry. I never thought i'd be in a situation like this but now I see how easy it is to get suckered back into it. Are you out of it now?
No, I am not out of it. 32 years and counting. Although as I have gotten older I have found more of a voice. You already know in your heart the answer love, just move on and don't look back. Good Luck
I'm so sorry... try and stay strong0
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