My journey journal

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  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    So I'm still here. I might be in a valley but I haven't given up.
    God bless and thanks for letting me share.
  • TorStar80
    TorStar80 Posts: 252 Member
    You are amazing and I love reading your thoughts on this journey.. congrats on your promotion and thank you for checking in. Sometimes life throws challenges and it’s okay that you’ve gotten off track a bit as you focus on that. What matters is recognizing you are off track and coming back. So welcome back :)
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    edited May 2018
    The mindfulness intervention for today is to work on my attitude. Instructor said that attitude is everything. And I agree. He said that having a resistant and judgemental attitude about my food cravings and poor eating habits only makes the situation worse and perpetuates the behavior. He said to be mindful about the habits and cravings but with a "playful" curiosity. The rationale: things that are humorous and light hearted tend not to be so devastating and stressful. He said I can reduce the affects that my cravings have by playfully explore why I'm having the craving and find the humor in why I started that bad eating habit in the first place.
    Now I agree with some of that. I would definitely benefit from an attitude adjustment about my cravings and poor eating habits because I was pretty frustrated yesterday when I was battling the cravings for sweets or to stress eat. I told myself that this was hard, that its going to take a long time to overcome and that I might not ever overcome. I even lowered my expectations in order to resolve my frustration. So I agree about changing my attitude.
    Challenge: finding the humor in all of this. I feel like I am too close and to deep in my struggles to find any of this funny. Matter of fact I felt like a darn crack head alcoholic yesterday trying to fight off my cravings. Similar to how I feel when I eat "good" food out of the trash. I just don't see the humor in it. I can't imagine myself being able to laugh at any of this right now.
    Solution: pace myself. Realize that I just started this change to my WHOLE LIFE just one year ago. And I just started the Eat Right Now program 4 days ago. Yeah I feel this way this morning, but that doesn't mean that I'll feel this way always. Give myself a break. Give myself some compassion. And don't give up.
    God bless and laugh on.
  • TorStar80
    TorStar80 Posts: 252 Member
    Lrlong82 wrote: »
    Over the past new year I noticed that I snack a lot. I notice that I tend to emotional eat, boredom eat, stress eat, avoidance eat, habitual eat and eat eat. I eat a lot! So I started a new intervention of mindfulness. Its supposed to help me bring awareness to the why what and how I eat. Its only been three days but the revelation is amazing. What I learned about my eating habits today just about floored me. See, one of the practices is to eat with full attention and on purpose. Not just shoveling down food while distracted by everything else. So today when I became hungry my intention was to engage in mindful eating. But then I thought "that takes time and I don't have time for that". I realized that I literally don't make time to eat. I have "working lunches" or "lunch and learns" or what ever else name was given for using the 12 o'clock hour to keep working.
    But its not just at work. Its at home too. Just one week ago I told my husband that I get drive through food on the way home from work so I can get eating dinner out of the way so I can focus on mommy duties when I get home.
    WOW. Talk about mind blowing; to realize that I plan such little time for my own sake that I don't even have time to eat.
    That's all I can say to that right now cause to say more would bring tears to my eyes. For real for real. Who treats a human being that way. But yet I do it to myself everyday.
    God bless and thank God for revelation. Because to know better is to do better.
    This is quite a revelation. I have found with counting calories just how much I’ve been forced to be mindful and present for every bite of food. It’s very difficult considering how busy life is, but it’s something you just have to prioritize. Also, when it comes to eating from emotion, the last thing I want is to confront the feelings by focusing... but I believe it’s necessary to heal and change. I saw your other post about finding humour. It does seem a little soon to approach it that way, I personally find no humour either, it’s been a lifelong struggle and burden that I wish I didn’t have... I’m trying to imagine myself employing that strategy and I’m not sure I could. I’d love to hear if you find a way and how you do it :) because imagine finding it funny, if not today then some day.
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    edited May 2018
    There seems to be something to this mindfulness thing. To being aware and in the present. I say that because I slowed down enough to gain revelation into another one of my eating habits.
    One day last week a vendor brought food to the office as part of the sales pitch, as all good vendors do. And although I wasn't hungry because I had already eaten, I considered getting one of the breakfast bagels. Why? Initially my thoughts were "Its Panera Bread. And Panera Bread is so delicious. So why not?". Well once I slowed down and considered it, I realized that I look to food for satisfaction. As a source of enjoyment. And dare I say it out loud; as a source of gratification. Instant gratification.
    Challenge: I look to food to flood my brain with dopamine because that "feels good". Does that make me addicted?
    Overcoming obstacle: Now that I am aware I can work through my urges.
    God bless and I'll keep you posted.
  • enjoylife23
    enjoylife23 Posts: 2 Member
    @Lrlong82, as a returning MFP member, I want to say I was blessed to see your post, in reading them; I found myself thinking...I can do this again!! Yes, I was on a great course with becoming healthy but life deals us minor obstacles, marriage problems, loss of a sister and 9 months later a loss of a brother then to end the year with being diagnosed with a tumor in my eye. Wow...enough of that...currently my mind set is get back on the course. My goal is 60/lbs (with the grace of God) thank you again for those encouraging words!!!
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,900 Member
    Lrlong82 wrote: »
    There seems to be something to this mindfulness thing. To being aware and in the present. I say that because I slowed down enough to gain revelation into another one of my eating habits.
    One day last week a vendor brought food to the office as part of the sales pitch, as all good vendors do. And although I wasn't hungry because I had already eaten, I considered getting one of the breakfast bagels. Why? Initially my thoughts were "Its Panera Bread. And Panera Bread is so delicious. So why not?". Well once I slowed down and considered it, I realized that I look to food for satisfaction. As a source of enjoyment. And dare I say it out loud; as a source of gratification. Instant gratification.
    Challenge: I look to food to flood my brain with dopamine because that "feels good". Does that make me addicted?
    Overcoming obstacle: Now that I am aware I can work through my urges.
    God bless and I'll keep you posted.

    Has anyone told you how well you write? I like reading your entries. Great sentence structure!
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    Just when I think I am doing well with passing the sugary snacks when I grocery shop, some evil genius events Golden Oreo O's cereal! What the What!?!?!
    God bless and walk on by.
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    This journey is tough. I have gained 9 pounds in the past month. I am in such a slump that I dont even feel like I'm trying. I even considered not logging my food. I figured "what's the point".
    Challenge: as a mental health counselor I find myself feeling like a hypocrite because of my ongoing struggle with poor eating habits. I question my authenticity of evoking change and making a difference when I don't (or won't) make my own changes.
    Overcoming challenge: be authentic with my clients. Share my struggle so they know I understand that change isnt easy. I can also us my story to diminish the stigma of seeking help by demonstrating that everyone needs help with something.
    I also have signed up for a life coach. I can start to use that person as my accountability partner. I considered going back to my doctor again for another "jump start". But still thinking on that one though because I'm not sure I want to deal with the side effects of the meds.
    God bless and keep logging.
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    This journey is tough. Every day here lately has been a struggle. So today I give myself compassion. Today I give myself a break. Today I recognize that I am human, imperfect, born to make mistakes. And just when I thought this was only about losing weight, I am realizing that its more than that. I am also working on my humanity. And its okay not to be okay.
    God Bless you.
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    Today was a better day. I didn't have as many sugar cravings/snack attacks. I only craved my morning cup of coffee. Not because of the caffeine but because its something warm and sweet. But after that I was okay.
    Challenge: I dont feel like facing a challenge today.
    Overcoming obstacle: take it one day at a time. Don't pressure myself. Allow myself to feel how I feel. Keep logging. Don't lose faith. It will happen.
    God bless and make it happen
  • Deviette
    Deviette Posts: 979 Member
    Hi Lrlong82! I've just read through your journal, I really like the way you write, it makes it compelling to read!

    I'm sorry to hear about your resent struggles with your journey, it can be tough when we lose motivation. At the beginning you were focusing much more on the positives outcomes that you've encountered. All the good things that were happening. Now I feel like you're looking so much at the negatives you're forgetting about all the good things. You feel like giving up and not logging? It happens to everybody, the thing that made it different was that you didn't give up, you kept going, you keep making it work.

    Always give yourself a challenge. Even if it's as simple as log everything. Because a challenge that you're sure you're going to complete, is always better than no challenge at all. Heck, a challenge could be to not go 1000kcals over goal. If you're having a bad day, then that could very well be a challenge.

    Craving happen. It can be hard. have you tried chewing gum? Doesn't work for me, but does for some.

    You're doing much better than you think you are. Stop beating yourself up about everything not being great 100% of the time. As long as you're doing well 80% of the time you'll be fine.

    As an aside:
    How's your exercise going? Are you keeping at it or has it gone by the wayside? If it's slipped are you thinking of starting again? If you're going at it, what are you doing, are you noticing fitness differences?
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    edited July 2018
    These past few weeks have been wins and losses. For whatever reason I was moody as heck last week. Melancholy was my vocabulary word for a couple of days. I believe I used it in my sentences correctly!
    Win: Diet adjustments. Whelp... Lets start with the win of having a mature definition of diet. My consistent logging has helped me to realize that diet is my eating "LIFE STYLE", not just an eating plan from a weight loss pamphlet. So as of last week I have made some minor adjustments that I believe will help improve my health and decrease my calorie intake. One I started a couple months ago was substituting a fiber supplement and 16 oz of water for breakfast. As of last week I have added a raw vegetable to my breakfast. And I love it. I feel so "green". I have also substituted fresh fruit with either whipped cream or a tablespoon of caramel and/or light chocolate pudding after dinner to satisfy my desire for dessert.
    Challenge: I've binged like crazy for the past two weeks. My calorie count has averaged 3000 per day. And it showed because I am at 215lbs, 3 more pounds than my last weigh in.
    Overcoming challenge: chewing gum. I thought of that two days ago. It worked for me before way back when I was in high school. Today was my first day with it and ended with half my calories than yesterday. And interesting enough, @deviette words were confirmation to me. Thanks so much!
    I also plan to eat a bulk of my calories during lunch. I found that I eat less for dinner when I eat a bigger lunch. And as always....keep logging. That's my meter to determine the effectiveness of my changes and to measure my progress. Its a great tool and "it works if you work it"!
    God bless and adjust as needed!
  • hroderick
    hroderick Posts: 756 Member
    edited July 2018
    Along with MFP, I hat tip platejoy.com for helping me be successful this year (down 84 lb). Their flexible planning makes eating healthy something of an exciting adventure for us. Before I'd get diet fatigue eating the same meals again and again. I think we've made the same recipe perhaps 3 times in 2018. We've cooked with a lot of ingredients that are available but we consider exotic. Almost all ingredients are fresh. Most recipes are jazzed up with fresh herbs. They get an in depth profile of our family and give us a selection of recipes each week.

    Give it a free trial. We did and decided it was worth $100 per year. We quickly saved that by dining out much less. When home cooked is already planned and this interesting, why dine out?

    Note I have no connection to platejoy except as a full-pay customer. I just like giving tips that really work for me.
    [edited by mods]
  • booksgiver
    booksgiver Posts: 149 Member
    You are such a lovely person, very self aware, and your mindfulness will lead you to success in any endeavor. I think something that helps me is allowing some flexibility in my day. I'm 5'1, and I eat 1370 calories a day and I've been losing between 2 and 3 pounds a week. Granted I was much heavier than you so that also is a factor. I find the time after dinner and before bedtime to be the most challenging for me, so I always "save" some calories for a snack like 100 calorie popcorn bags, or a 90 fiber brownie, or apple slices. If I'm dining out or meeting friends I try to save my breakfast and lunch calories for a higher calorie dinner. I eat very simply, and limiting my food choices also helps me not to over indulge. Of course, you will find what works best for you. The important thing is that you're here, and I think many of us on MFP will be motivated by your beautiful insight. Thank you for posting today!
  • Evamutt
    Evamutt Posts: 2,261 Member
    I'm so glad I found you. I'm 5'4" as well & started at 196-198. I'm at 147 now. I love reading your journal, very inspiring & honest. I've eaten many different ways, ate smaller meals throughout the day , had snacks etc. Before mfp, I basically ate twice a day & didn't really like to snack but liked to feel full so not too long ago I went back to that but modified it some so I can live with it. I never liked breakfast so now I eat brunch, about 500 cal worth. I do have a snack before dinner where I like to volume eat on the lower calorie side dishes & usually a snack right after dinner. I've been more aware of what I feel like when I eat & some of the why's & found with food, as with the Lord, I can't get lazy & have to maintain discipline & eat before I'm hungry & not overdo it with feeling full. Thank you for sharing
  • Lrlong82
    Lrlong82 Posts: 85 Member
    edited July 2018
    Sunday Sharing - I am thankful for my relationship with God. Its not a religion but a genuine relationship. I am free to be honest about my hurts habits and hang ups. I can speak freely to my father with no condemnation. I am thankful for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ dying on the cross and rising on the third day with all power in His hands. The power to deliver, to save and to set free. I was called back to the family and am now a child of God. And as Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father, the Holy Spirit is here as my comforter. To lead and guide, as my intercessor and to empower. And because of God's love for me, I am free to live. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I pray that my life reflects my gratitude. That others may come to know the great love of God through the love I show. I pray that the Father be big in me and that I bare good fruit in Jesus' name. I pray that He finds me to be a good and faithful. And that He be pleased with me. Because He deserves my highest praise, sacrifice and obedience. Not just for what He has done but for who He is.
    God bless and Amen