Post your favorite joke
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Lol0
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What‘s E.T. short for?
Because he has little legs.2 -
What does a prostitute and a stamp both have in common?
You can lick em, stick em, and send them away.0 -
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What has four letters, sometimes has nine letter but never has five letters?0
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Perhaps has seven letters0
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Occasionally has 12 letters?0
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It's not a question, it's a statement.
What has four letters, (w-h-a-t) sometimes has nine letters (s-o-m-e-t-i-m-e-s) but never (n-e-v-e-r) has five letters.1 -
A long time ago in a land far way, there lived a buzzard and a turtle and a rabbit. The three had know each other since they were just kids and were best of friends, virtually inseparable from one another. After the three of them had reached their eighteenth birthday, they decided it was time for them to leave their families and go out into the world to see what fate had in store for them. After bidding their families goodbye, the three tossed their belongings into a wheelbarrow and set out on their way.
Without any education and lacking the skills that could keep them permanently employed, the best the buzzard and the turtle and the rabbit could do was to find an odd job here and there that paid only pauper's wages, just barely enough to cover their expenses. Weeks passed, then months, and it was always the same story.....work a few days here and there, make a few dollars, and then move on.
The next job the buzzard and the turtle and the rabbit happened upon differed slightly from the others they had held before because the farmer that offered them work had no money and could only pay them with an assortment of vegetable seeds. Somewhat reluctantly, the three decided to work for the farmer in exchange for the seed, and when their work was finished, they tossed their seed into the wheelbarrow with their other belongings and headed back out across the land, still wondering what fate held in store for them.
The very next day, while travelling through a beautiful valley, they came across a nice looking parcel of land that was unclaimed by anyone. Weary from their travels and discouraged by the probability of always having to work for someone else, they decided to stake a claim to the land, call it their new home, and farm the land using the seed they had earned on their last job. The turtle said, "I'm pretty low to the ground and have sharp claws, so I can use my claws to plow the ground and make furrows for the vegetable seeds." The buzzard said, "I can fly over the furrows you plow and drop the seeds into them." The rabbit thought for a moment, trying to determine how he could best use his speed to contribute to the vegetable farming, just as the buzzard and the turtle had suggested how their unique physical abilities could make a valuable contribution to the effort. Unable to identify any aspect of vegetable farming for which his speed would be well suited, yet determined to pull as much weight as the buzzard and the turtle, the rabbit finally said, "I'll take the wheelbarrow and go find us some fertilizer to spread on the ground to help our vegetable crop grow."
So the buzzard and the turtle took their belongings out of the wheelbarrow and the rabbit set out on the road with the wheelbarrow in search of fertilizer. Meanwhile, the turtle plowed the ground and the buzzard flew over the furrows and dropped the seed into them, and now all they could do was wait for the rabbit to return with his load of fertilizer. Before the rabbit could return, however, a gentle rain began falling, washing soil from the sides of the newly plowed furrows and covering the seeds completely.
After several hours had passed and the rabbit hadn't returned with the fertilizer, the buzzard and the turtle became concerned that something terrible had befallen their friend. But when the hours turned to days, and the days to weeks, the buzzard and the turtle eventually gave up all hope of ever seeing the rabbit alive again, and they knew they would have to raise their vegetable crop without him.
Fate had not dealt the rabbit a fatal blow, for the rabbit was merely lost and not dead, as his friends had thought. Although hopelessly lost, the rabbit knew he must persist and search the land until he had found just the right kind of fertilizer for the vegetables. Knowing that manure was rich in nutrients and would make an excellent fertilizer, the rabbit began observing how well grass grew nears piles of manure from different animals. Cow manure and horse manure and pig manure and chicken manure were all good but they just didn't measure up to the rabbit's strict standards, so he kept travelling across the land in search of just the right kind of manure, all the while travelling further and further away from the buzzard and the turtle and, if it were possible, becoming even more lost than ever before.
Years passed as the rabbit's search for the right manure continued. Then one day, the rabbit came upon a herd of rare web-footed, red-crested antelope and he noticed that even the smallest pile of their manure caused the grass and flowers and trees, for hundreds of yards in any direction, to flourish as he had never seen before. "Eureka", he shouted! This was exactly what he had been looking for all these years and he just knew that the buzzard and the turtle, whom he felt were probably eeking out a meager existence with only a mediocre vegetable crop, were going to be so proud of him for finding such a wonderful fertilizer.
Quickly, the rabbit loaded his wheelbarrow to the brim with web-footed, red-crested antelope manure and turned to head home. However, in his excitement, he had completely forgotten that he was hopelessly lost and could never find his way home if his very life depended on it.
Gloom and despair soon overcame the rabbit as he stood there pondering his fate when all of a sudden, a wise old owl flew down from a nearby oak tree and stood at his side. "Yea, verily, thy countenance doth tell me thy soul art troubled. Tell me of thy plight that perchance I might help thee", said the wise old owl. The rabbit told the owl of his predicament and how hopelessly lost he was, and asked the wise old owl if he could help him find his way back to his old friends, the buzzard and the turtle. The wise old owl asked the rabbit to describe the land wherein he had last seen his friends, and after describing the land in as much detail as possible, the owl knew exactly where the rabbit was talking about and gave the rabbit the directions that would take him back to his old friends. The wise old owl, however, warned the rabbit that not only would it take a long time to return to his friends, but his journey home would also be fraught with peril as war and pestilence and famine ravaged the countryside through which he must travel. But the rabbit was undaunted by the owls admonitions, for the reward of seeing his friends running to greet him with open arms would make it all worth while. So, with directions memorized and a wheelbarrow full of web-footed, red-crested antelope manure firmly in hand, the rabbit headed home.
Years passed as the rabbit dodged border skirmishes amongst tribes and nations and endured famine and pestilence and fought off bands of vandals roaming the land as he wound his way though the vast countryside that separated him from his friends. Over hill and dale and through one snow-covered mountain pass after another, fording streams with raging currents and battling gale-force winds at times, the rabbit held on to his precious cargo while being careful not to spill one bit.
Eventually, the countryside began to take on a familiar appearance as he passed one familiar landmark after the other, and soon he began to see some of the farmers for which he and the buzzard and the turtle had worked. The rabbit's heart began pounding with excitement, for it wouldn't be long now that he would be seeing his friends running up to him with outstretched arms. Just one more turn in the road and the rabbit's epic journey would be over at long last.
As the rabbit rounded the last turn in the road, he picked up his pace and began pushing the wheelbarrow as fast as it would go. Having rounded the turn and in full stride, he turned to look in the direction of the oak grove upon the hillside where he had last seen the buzzard and the turtle, thinking they might have built a little shack there and would be waiting and watching for him on the front porch. But completely astounded, the rabbit came to a screeching halt. He couldn't believe his eyes. Instead of a shack in the oak grove upon the hillside, there stood a stately ivory-covered mansion, resplendent in all its glory. Manicured lawns and English gardens fit for royalty surrounded the mansion on every side. Pristine pools with Romanesque statuaries and lilly-covered goldfish ponds and gazebos and shaded courtyards dazzled the rabbit's eyes as he stood there in total disbelief. "Could all this possibly belong to my old friends," the rabbit thought?
Whatever doubts the rabbit might have had concerning the ownership of the estate he was standing in front of were soon removed. As he stood before the entrance to the estate, he looked up at the wrought iron arch that connected the two massive stone pillars on either side of the gate and read the following in large gold lettering: "The Estate of Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Turtle".
The estate did indeed belong to the rabbit's old friends. You see, the ground that the buzzard and the turtle had been farming all those years the rabbit was lost was very, very rich in nutrients and needed no fertilizer after all. Their vegetables had flourished beyond their wildest imaginations and they had become extremely wealthy over the years. As the wrought iron arch over the entrance to the estate might indicate, the buzzard and the turtle had become rather uppity as their wealth and their social status increased and they preferred to be called Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Turtle, and to make their names sound even more impressive, they preferred to have their names pronounced with the last syllable accentuated so that it sounded more like Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Turtell.
Curious as to how his friends had become so wealthy and feeling somewhat slighted that there was no mention of his name in the wrought iron arch over the estate's gated entrance, the rabbit decided to go up to the mansion and find out just what the heck was going on. So he grabbed the wheelbarrow and pushed his load of web-footed, red-crested antelope manure up the winding cobblestone driveway, not stopping until he was within reach of the doorbell which he waisted no time in ringing.
Soon, a butler opened the massive front door and in a very proper British accent asked, "How may I help you?" The rabbit replied, "I'm here to see my old pals, the buzzard and the turtle." The butler looked down his nose at the rabbit and replied, "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Buzzard and Mr. Turtell will be unable to see you today. You see, Mr. Buzzard is out in the yard playing croquet, and Mr. Turtell is out by the well reading poetry, and they wish to remain undisturbed for the remainder of the day. Perhaps you could come back another day, and if you should decide to return another day, please come to the servant's entrance. You see, the front door is reserved for dignitaries and persons of distinction and refinement only."
That did it! The rabbit was absolutely livid. After all he had been through just to get back home with his load of web-footed, red-crested antelope manure, only to be treated like scum! Just as the butler was about to shut the door in the rabbit's face, the rabbit, literally hopping mad by now, leapt over the wheelbarrow, grabbed the butler by the lapels, and said, "Listen here, dipstick! You go tell Mr. Buzzard who's out in the yard, and Mr. Turtell who's out by the well, that Mr. Rabbit is here with the s#@t!1 -
Guy walks in to a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender served him, the guy noticed a dog lying in the corner, licking what dogs can lick. The guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that!” Bartender tells him, “Better try petting him first.”2
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A little boy walks into his parents bedroom just as his father is rolling on a condom to have sex with his wife. Surprised by his son, he tries to cover up and begins looking around the floor. “Whatcha doin’, Dad?” the boy asks. “Why, I thought I saw a rat run under the bed, son.” “Watcha gonna Do? Phuck it?”0
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UrBaconMeCr8zy wrote: »Why did the chicken cross the road.... to get to @slimgirljo15 s house
Found it
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot’s house.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
The chicken.0
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