Dating a Divorced, Older Man
swagoner94
Posts: 220 Member
Hey MFP Fam:
I’m 23, dating a 36 year old man that was divorced two years ago after about 3 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. The woman was unfaithful and their marriage quickly deteriorated to the point of divorce.
I’ve only dated one other person and obviously have less life experience on him. However, I’m crazy about him and he’s the greatest guy in the world. I honestly can’t imagine someone having him and being able to throw him away.
We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months and it’s been pretty great. Unfortunately, I’ve been getting insecure and unsettled by the lack of verbal affirmation from him. Words of Affirmation is one of my top “Love Languages.” However, he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again. He is wrestling with it and says he cares deeply about me but just needs to figure this out. This is a sentiment he only recently shared. I was clear that marriage is my end goal. He’s not hesitant to spend time with me, date me, or be physically affectionate with me... but he can’t verbally affirm me...
I’m trying to understand something I truly can’t fully grasp - I realize that. But someone please help me understand. This makes me feel so insecure and I hate feeling like my head over heels affections are not reciprocated. I often tell him so many affirming things about him with little in return. My feelings are unconditional and I don’t express them TO get them in return, but I can’t be sustained mentally or emotionally without it ever! I’ve expressed this as well. He says he’ll need to mull this over and see if that’s something he can give me despite his hesitancy with commitment.
Am I just a transitional relationship? A pit stop along his journey to recovery? He’s so amazing; should I ride this out and keep trying to exercise patience in the hopes that MAYBE he will choose me and be able to affirm me? Am I silly for feeling I need that?
I’m 23, dating a 36 year old man that was divorced two years ago after about 3 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. The woman was unfaithful and their marriage quickly deteriorated to the point of divorce.
I’ve only dated one other person and obviously have less life experience on him. However, I’m crazy about him and he’s the greatest guy in the world. I honestly can’t imagine someone having him and being able to throw him away.
We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months and it’s been pretty great. Unfortunately, I’ve been getting insecure and unsettled by the lack of verbal affirmation from him. Words of Affirmation is one of my top “Love Languages.” However, he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again. He is wrestling with it and says he cares deeply about me but just needs to figure this out. This is a sentiment he only recently shared. I was clear that marriage is my end goal. He’s not hesitant to spend time with me, date me, or be physically affectionate with me... but he can’t verbally affirm me...
I’m trying to understand something I truly can’t fully grasp - I realize that. But someone please help me understand. This makes me feel so insecure and I hate feeling like my head over heels affections are not reciprocated. I often tell him so many affirming things about him with little in return. My feelings are unconditional and I don’t express them TO get them in return, but I can’t be sustained mentally or emotionally without it ever! I’ve expressed this as well. He says he’ll need to mull this over and see if that’s something he can give me despite his hesitancy with commitment.
Am I just a transitional relationship? A pit stop along his journey to recovery? He’s so amazing; should I ride this out and keep trying to exercise patience in the hopes that MAYBE he will choose me and be able to affirm me? Am I silly for feeling I need that?
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Uh. Good luck9
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Did you talk to him about this?1
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Yes. I mentioned that and his responses in my post.CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »Did you talk to him about this?
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SuperOrganism2 wrote: »I personally feel as though you will be a lot happier to find somebody closer to your age. You are still very young and growing as a person.
He will find somebody of his own cohort.
Look out carefully for your own interests...perhaps at 30 you will want children.
He will be in a very different place emotionally in most likelihood.
I suggest a quick, clean break. Spend some personal time to heal, and then move on and do not look back.
He'll be fine. He's older, and will be able to deal with the shock...unlike you will be...at 30...to discover that your 20s are now gone and your cohort has all gotten married and had their children.
Best wishes, and good luck.
I would not even worry about your love styles or whatnot...if I was you. It's not a perfect match for you emotionally, which means the other concrete factors which weigh against the wisdom of the relationship recommend against it.
I know 12 years is a large age gap and I acknowledge that I am young and have more “growing up” to do. However, we’ve never felt the age difference - apart from him having a far more vivid recollection of Hanson. Our personalities and compatibility align well. I’m not a totally stereotypical 23 year old. We are coworkers, I have a stable job and support myself in LA. I think I’m a little beyond my years and we are quite in sync despite the age gap. I don’t know that the age difference is the sole cause of our problem. So I think the solution doesn’t need to be a clean break based on that alone. I’m hoping someone can just give me a clearer peak into the mind of a 36 year old divorced man so I can better understand where he is coming from and empathize best. I don’t reject your opinion. Thanks for sharing it. I’m just hoping that not all advice will hang on the age gap!0 -
And I could happily have kids tomorrow!2
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I am a 37 year old divorced woman. Not a man, so perhaps my opinion is worthless. But from where I stand, I can understand his feelings. He was betrayed by someone he got close to. He opened himself up completely and got his heart ripped out and pureed and poured over a compost heap. Although it has been 2 years since the divorce, this is not something that he will forget in a hurry or get over, unless he didn't care about his ex at all. The next time around (i.e., you) he is not going to be able to open himself up to the potential of such pain as easily. If at all. He is holding himself back so that he doesn't fall head over heels for you. So although he is an amazing guy, he really is not on the same page as you are. He is not feeling the same things you are. He is jaded and afraid of history repeating itself.
Or I may be completely wrong. But that is just what I am getting from what you've said he's said21 -
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SuperOrganism2 wrote: »It's not the age gap as much as the steady decrease of partners with your goals which will be available to you as you get older.
Idk what to say regarding love styles.
Perhaps you are not compatible.
Perhaps he is using you.
I suggest skepticism on your part, as you can easily move on...now losing love hurts bad, but you can get over it while young.
What on earth are you awake for!??? Go to bed!3 -
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SuperOrganism2 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »SuperOrganism2 wrote: »It's not the age gap as much as the steady decrease of partners with your goals which will be available to you as you get older.
Idk what to say regarding love styles.
Perhaps you are not compatible.
Perhaps he is using you.
I suggest skepticism on your part, as you can easily move on...now losing love hurts bad, but you can get over it while young.
What on earth are you awake for!??? Go to bed!
Somebody had to answer this question correctly
My little one is getting sick.
Ugghh
Oh no! Change of seasons suck sometimes. Hugs to her. I hope you get some sleep soon.
And by the way, I think my answer was awesome and totally on point!!
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SuperOrganism2 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »SuperOrganism2 wrote: »Versicolour wrote: »SuperOrganism2 wrote: »It's not the age gap as much as the steady decrease of partners with your goals which will be available to you as you get older.
Idk what to say regarding love styles.
Perhaps you are not compatible.
Perhaps he is using you.
I suggest skepticism on your part, as you can easily move on...now losing love hurts bad, but you can get over it while young.
What on earth are you awake for!??? Go to bed!
Somebody had to answer this question correctly
My little one is getting sick.
Ugghh
Oh no! Change of seasons suck sometimes. Hugs to her. I hope you get some sleep soon.
And by the way, I think my answer was awesome and totally on point!!
I didnt even see it until you told me to go to bed
That was just my way of explaining why I am awake...obviously there is a post somewhere on the internet!
Aaaand vomit.
Yeah, no. Avoid vomit at all costs0 -
And.... back to the topic at hand.....0
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If you’re having fun, I say stay with him! If you are always longing for “affirmation” and want to marry someone who gives you none and no indication he would marry you, I’d say move on. I’m guessing it’s okay right now, but it’s not going to be so tolerable in a few more months. If he gets everything he wants out of the relationship without committing or “affirming” his love for you in spite of your telling him you need those things, I doubt he will start. As already stated, after the heartbreak he endured it seems likely it might be some time before he’ll open up completely and make himself vulnerable again (if he ever does). I believe that you are very mature and have a strong connection, but choosing someone so much younger suggests to me choosing someone who won’t challenge him as much as an older woman, someone who might be less likely to demand commitment, someone who is easier to keep at arm’s length than a more experienced woman who might not tolerate some of his withholding behavior or might immediately recognize the relationship as something unlikely to lead to marriage. Just guessing. If you are enjoying it for what it is, then I say stick with it! You have plenty of time to find a husband if that’s your goal. I think it would be better for you to drop that expectation of him for now if you want to prolong the relationship and continue enjoying it.8
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I'm not seeing how someone can date 1 person for 9 months and still have committment issues. That's pretty committed. Are you sure you're the only one he's seeing? It sounds like he's using you. It's not like you're expecting an I love you after a month. If things don't change by the time you get to a year then they won't change.12
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swagoner94 wrote: »And I could happily have kids tomorrow!
but that's obviously not what he wants...
he might love you, he might not, but the fact is that you want different things because you want him to say things that he cant/wont...
you have 2 choices, keep things as they are, with you not getting the affirmation you need, or end it and find someone else who is on the same page as you relationship-wise.10 -
invisiblewoman5 wrote: »Run. Go live your life. For a lot of years. Have fun. Get a career. Be independent and become your own person. Find out who you truly are and what you truly want in life. Don't let another carve that path for you.
This!! Live more love more figure out who you really are. Don't. settle. ever. You will not be happy in the long run, hell you still might not be happy.
But never settle and don't EVER thing you can change someone or belive them if they say they will change for you.6 -
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I think he’s made it pretty clear that he won’t be giving you the verbal affirmation you need. Which means he will keep hurting you as long as you two are together.
He’s a great guy with commitment issues. He needs a non committal woman.
You need a different great guy who will fall head over heels for you, and can tell you so.
Now, you can ignore this advice and stick it out but you’ve been warned.4 -
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SabotageinStilettos wrote: »Try an anchor baby. If that doesn’t change him, I don’t know what will. 1
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I am 39 years old and I got married when I was 23.
My advice to you is to enjoy your 20s!
If you are happy with this guy, then enjoy your time with him. If you are looking for commitment already into a possible future together, then this may be a breaking point for the relationship. It may scare him away, but if that’s what you need in a relationship (commitment for future marriage, etc) then he might not be the best partner for you at this time of your life.
Be happy!0 -
Couples counseling?1
This discussion has been closed.
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