Dating a Divorced, Older Man
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swagoner94 wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
Is the end goal for you to be married, or is it to be in a loving and committed relationship with someone?
I'm genuinely curious on this answer from you. I am one who believes that the commitment is not a piece of paper sanctioned by the Gov't, nor a religion. The commitment is at the relationship between people who love one another unconditionally, and do not need to be married to show this. Then, if it should fall apart, they do not need to go through the hassles of legal matters to end the relationship. The only time the courts should get involved is if there is a disagreement in how the property and money acquired during their relationship is divided between them.
I can relate to his mindset, as I went through a very painful divorce myself. I loved her deeply, and only got married because I was young and foolish and that's what she wanted. While I'm not currently dating anyone, I have been in a couple of relationships since my divorce, and I have no desire to get married again. If someone tells me that their end goal is the be married, I raise a skeptical eye to her. Reason for this is that it seems either materialistic, or perhaps a girlish dream yet unfulfilled.
There are a lot of people who have been in long term, unmarried relationships. Some of my friends were together for 25 years before they tied the knot. But, evidently, they had problems with it and they divorced within a couple of years and went their separate ways.
For me, a relationship is about spending time with one another. Experiencing life's many wonders, joys and even sorrows together. Enjoying each other's company, and looking forward to seeing them when they come home from work, or even just from a trip to the store. Being happy in their togetherness, while also knowing there'll be bumps in the road.
To me marriage is the culmination of commitment. As you even pointed out, not being married always lends an easy ability to throw in the towel when things get hard rather than work them out. I’m a woman of faith. For me, marriage represents infinitely more than just commitment as well. He knows this too. But with him, I’m, again, not trying to get him to propose anytime soon. Neither of us are ready for that.
I love that movie.4 -
aChuisle_moChroi wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
Is the end goal for you to be married, or is it to be in a loving and committed relationship with someone?
I'm genuinely curious on this answer from you. I am one who believes that the commitment is not a piece of paper sanctioned by the Gov't, nor a religion. The commitment is at the relationship between people who love one another unconditionally, and do not need to be married to show this. Then, if it should fall apart, they do not need to go through the hassles of legal matters to end the relationship. The only time the courts should get involved is if there is a disagreement in how the property and money acquired during their relationship is divided between them.
I can relate to his mindset, as I went through a very painful divorce myself. I loved her deeply, and only got married because I was young and foolish and that's what she wanted. While I'm not currently dating anyone, I have been in a couple of relationships since my divorce, and I have no desire to get married again. If someone tells me that their end goal is the be married, I raise a skeptical eye to her. Reason for this is that it seems either materialistic, or perhaps a girlish dream yet unfulfilled.
There are a lot of people who have been in long term, unmarried relationships. Some of my friends were together for 25 years before they tied the knot. But, evidently, they had problems with it and they divorced within a couple of years and went their separate ways.
For me, a relationship is about spending time with one another. Experiencing life's many wonders, joys and even sorrows together. Enjoying each other's company, and looking forward to seeing them when they come home from work, or even just from a trip to the store. Being happy in their togetherness, while also knowing there'll be bumps in the road.
To me marriage is the culmination of commitment. As you even pointed out, not being married always lends an easy ability to throw in the towel when things get hard rather than work them out. I’m a woman of faith. For me, marriage represents infinitely more than just commitment as well. He knows this too. But with him, I’m, again, not trying to get him to propose anytime soon. Neither of us are ready for that.
I love that movie.
More like a documentary of 50% of married people’s reality.0 -
If he can't give that love now, he never will. Move on.2
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As much as you like to think that your age and relationship history don't matter, they do. A lot. What matters more is that he's already said, and backed up with his actions, that he cannot and will not satisfy one of your needs.
When people tell you who they are, believe them. When you tell people who you are, be honest. You've told him you need something, but continue to accept less. He's told you what he won't do and hasn't budged. Sounds like he's been pretty clear in words and actions, but you're still undecided if verbal affirmation is really something you need.9 -
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swagoner94 wrote: »Hey MFP Fam:
I’m 23, dating a 36 year old man that was divorced two years ago after about 3 years of dating and 2 years of marriage. The woman was unfaithful and their marriage quickly deteriorated to the point of divorce.
I’ve only dated one other person and obviously have less life experience on him. However, I’m crazy about him and he’s the greatest guy in the world. I honestly can’t imagine someone having him and being able to throw him away.
We’ve been seeing each other for 9 months and it’s been pretty great. Unfortunately, I’ve been getting insecure and unsettled by the lack of verbal affirmation from him. Words of Affirmation is one of my top “Love Languages.” However, he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again. He is wrestling with it and says he cares deeply about me but just needs to figure this out. This is a sentiment he only recently shared. I was clear that marriage is my end goal. He’s not hesitant to spend time with me, date me, or be physically affectionate with me... but he can’t verbally affirm me...
I’m trying to understand something I truly can’t fully grasp - I realize that. But someone please help me understand. This makes me feel so insecure and I hate feeling like my head over heels affections are not reciprocated. I often tell him so many affirming things about him with little in return. My feelings are unconditional and I don’t express them TO get them in return, but I can’t be sustained mentally or emotionally without it ever! I’ve expressed this as well. He says he’ll need to mull this over and see if that’s something he can give me despite his hesitancy with commitment.
Am I just a transitional relationship? A pit stop along his journey to recovery? He’s so amazing; should I ride this out and keep trying to exercise patience in the hopes that MAYBE he will choose me and be able to affirm me? Am I silly for feeling I need that?
Read bolded text above.4 -
Well, either beat your head against the wall trying to change this man or just accept that he's already shown you his cards and he will still be that same man 5 minutes or 5 years from now.3
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swagoner94 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »And I could happily have kids tomorrow!
but that's obviously not what he wants...
he might love you, he might not, but the fact is that you want different things because you want him to say things that he cant/wont...
you have 2 choices, keep things as they are, with you not getting the affirmation you need, or end it and find someone else who is on the same page as you relationship-wise.
He’s always wanted kids. I only said that because a previous comment was that I might want them when I’m 30 and he might not. I may have misread it though!
he wont tell you he loves you, yet he wants kids with you? really?! :huh:3 -
Ok1
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swagoner94 wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
Is the end goal for you to be married, or is it to be in a loving and committed relationship with someone?
I'm genuinely curious on this answer from you. I am one who believes that the commitment is not a piece of paper sanctioned by the Gov't, nor a religion. The commitment is at the relationship between people who love one another unconditionally, and do not need to be married to show this. Then, if it should fall apart, they do not need to go through the hassles of legal matters to end the relationship. The only time the courts should get involved is if there is a disagreement in how the property and money acquired during their relationship is divided between them.
I can relate to his mindset, as I went through a very painful divorce myself. I loved her deeply, and only got married because I was young and foolish and that's what she wanted. While I'm not currently dating anyone, I have been in a couple of relationships since my divorce, and I have no desire to get married again. If someone tells me that their end goal is the be married, I raise a skeptical eye to her. Reason for this is that it seems either materialistic, or perhaps a girlish dream yet unfulfilled.
There are a lot of people who have been in long term, unmarried relationships. Some of my friends were together for 25 years before they tied the knot. But, evidently, they had problems with it and they divorced within a couple of years and went their separate ways.
For me, a relationship is about spending time with one another. Experiencing life's many wonders, joys and even sorrows together. Enjoying each other's company, and looking forward to seeing them when they come home from work, or even just from a trip to the store. Being happy in their togetherness, while also knowing there'll be bumps in the road.
To me marriage is the culmination of commitment. As you even pointed out, not being married always lends an easy ability to throw in the towel when things get hard rather than work them out. I’m a woman of faith. For me, marriage represents infinitely more than just commitment as well. He knows this too. But with him, I’m, again, not trying to get him to propose anytime soon. Neither of us are ready for that.
If someone is determined to throw in the towel, they will do so regardless.
I don't know what your expectations are from the institution of marriage and I am inclined to find your perspective a bit idealistic. At the end of the day, convictions, wants and religion apart, you look back and the whole thing is basically administrative reorganisation. I'd say that the best one can hope for is for NOTHING to change after marriage.2 -
SabAteNine wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
Is the end goal for you to be married, or is it to be in a loving and committed relationship with someone?
I'm genuinely curious on this answer from you. I am one who believes that the commitment is not a piece of paper sanctioned by the Gov't, nor a religion. The commitment is at the relationship between people who love one another unconditionally, and do not need to be married to show this. Then, if it should fall apart, they do not need to go through the hassles of legal matters to end the relationship. The only time the courts should get involved is if there is a disagreement in how the property and money acquired during their relationship is divided between them.
I can relate to his mindset, as I went through a very painful divorce myself. I loved her deeply, and only got married because I was young and foolish and that's what she wanted. While I'm not currently dating anyone, I have been in a couple of relationships since my divorce, and I have no desire to get married again. If someone tells me that their end goal is the be married, I raise a skeptical eye to her. Reason for this is that it seems either materialistic, or perhaps a girlish dream yet unfulfilled.
There are a lot of people who have been in long term, unmarried relationships. Some of my friends were together for 25 years before they tied the knot. But, evidently, they had problems with it and they divorced within a couple of years and went their separate ways.
For me, a relationship is about spending time with one another. Experiencing life's many wonders, joys and even sorrows together. Enjoying each other's company, and looking forward to seeing them when they come home from work, or even just from a trip to the store. Being happy in their togetherness, while also knowing there'll be bumps in the road.
To me marriage is the culmination of commitment. As you even pointed out, not being married always lends an easy ability to throw in the towel when things get hard rather than work them out. I’m a woman of faith. For me, marriage represents infinitely more than just commitment as well. He knows this too. But with him, I’m, again, not trying to get him to propose anytime soon. Neither of us are ready for that.
If someone is determined to throw in the towel, they will do so regardless.
I don't know what your expectations are from the institution of marriage and I am inclined to find your perspective a bit idealistic. At the end of the day, convictions, wants and religion apart, you look back and the whole thing is basically administrative reorganisation. I'd say that the best one can hope for is for NOTHING to change after marriage.
I could do an exegesis on Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13 if you really really wanted to know what marriage meant for me. It’s not just commitment or a piece of paper. That’s secondary and tertiary to me. I just figured I’d spare the thread from my biblical view of marriage since that usually results in an infestation of trolls and rude comments - in my experience. And you’re right. The core person doesn’t change in marriage. Not saying it would.2 -
TavistockToad wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »And I could happily have kids tomorrow!
but that's obviously not what he wants...
he might love you, he might not, but the fact is that you want different things because you want him to say things that he cant/wont...
you have 2 choices, keep things as they are, with you not getting the affirmation you need, or end it and find someone else who is on the same page as you relationship-wise.
He’s always wanted kids. I only said that because a previous comment was that I might want them when I’m 30 and he might not. I may have misread it though!
he wont tell you he loves you, yet he wants kids with you? really?! :huh:
I know! I think he does love me but just doesn’t want to say it. He said that if someone told him 9 months ago that he would be dating he wouldn’t believe them because he was so bitter and jaded by his divorce. But the fact that he’s even here with me shows him that he’s opening back up to it. He just isn’t 100% certain yet and doesn’t want to give me any promises with his words.1 -
It is my opinion that you have to make the choice for yourself. I would advise that you do not stay in a relationship in thoughts that you can change the person. Point blank, people don't change unless they want to. So, you have choices to make, and they are completely up to you. Not him, not your mama, not your papa, not your siblings, friends or MFP. You can either stick it out with him, with the knowledge and understanding that he has to work the issues out. This is a tough road, and it will take understanding and you may even experience some heartbreak. Or you can move on, let him go and find himself, let you explore what you want in life. If you end up together down the road, then great maybe the relationship will be ready. However, I would suggest that you choose your own happiness in this life, regardless of what choice you make.
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I’m not even wanting to change him. He’s seriously the best guy ever!! He’s genuine and kind. Beautiful soul. I’m not trying to change his core being... I’m asking for him to vocalize how he’s already feeling every now and then. Everyone has stuff to work on. He’s told me long ago that words of affirmation is what he needs but has always been hard for him to give. His love language is acts of service. That’s not easy for me to give, but because I care for him, I work at it and try to and it’s become more and more natural for me to do that. But of course the issue seems more deeply rooted for him that just practicing something that’s always been hard for him to do. It’s obviously engrained in some hurt from his past.1
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swagoner94 wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »He makes it sound like he... wants to want marriage again. I mean I’ve asked him why we are together if he’s not even sure about that, and he says he’s not sure he doesnt. He acknowledges this of course isn’t fair to me as our options are to call it off or for me to wait around and see if he makes up his mind and lands on the same page.
Is the end goal for you to be married, or is it to be in a loving and committed relationship with someone?
I'm genuinely curious on this answer from you. I am one who believes that the commitment is not a piece of paper sanctioned by the Gov't, nor a religion. The commitment is at the relationship between people who love one another unconditionally, and do not need to be married to show this. Then, if it should fall apart, they do not need to go through the hassles of legal matters to end the relationship. The only time the courts should get involved is if there is a disagreement in how the property and money acquired during their relationship is divided between them.
I can relate to his mindset, as I went through a very painful divorce myself. I loved her deeply, and only got married because I was young and foolish and that's what she wanted. While I'm not currently dating anyone, I have been in a couple of relationships since my divorce, and I have no desire to get married again. If someone tells me that their end goal is the be married, I raise a skeptical eye to her. Reason for this is that it seems either materialistic, or perhaps a girlish dream yet unfulfilled.
There are a lot of people who have been in long term, unmarried relationships. Some of my friends were together for 25 years before they tied the knot. But, evidently, they had problems with it and they divorced within a couple of years and went their separate ways.
For me, a relationship is about spending time with one another. Experiencing life's many wonders, joys and even sorrows together. Enjoying each other's company, and looking forward to seeing them when they come home from work, or even just from a trip to the store. Being happy in their togetherness, while also knowing there'll be bumps in the road.
To me marriage is the culmination of commitment. As you even pointed out, not being married always lends an easy ability to throw in the towel when things get hard rather than work them out. I’m a woman of faith. For me, marriage represents infinitely more than just commitment as well. He knows this too. But with him, I’m, again, not trying to get him to propose anytime soon. Neither of us are ready for that.
You misunderstood my point there. Too many people think it means an easy out. It does not. It simply means that the Gov't needs to be involved when it ends. Yes, everyone should work things out as best as they can rather than tucking tail and running. But, sometimes, one needs to know when to call it and make a strategic exit rather than continuing on with something unhealthy.
So, what else does marriage represent to you?1 -
Settle in for a long frustrating unhappy bumpy ride with this guy.4
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swagoner94 wrote: »I’m not even wanting to change him. He’s seriously the best guy ever!! He’s genuine and kind. Beautiful soul. I’m not trying to change his core being... I’m asking for him to vocalize how he’s already feeling every now and then. Everyone has stuff to work on. He’s told me long ago that words of affirmation is what he needs but has always been hard for him to give. His love language is acts of service. That’s not easy for me to give, but because I care for him, I work at it and try to and it’s become more and more natural for me to do that. But of course the issue seems more deeply rooted for him that just practicing something that’s always been hard for him to do. It’s obviously engrained in some hurt from his past.
he isnt giving you want you need in the relationship... that means he is not the 'best guy ever'...4 -
My wife is 8 years younger than I. I am not the best communicator either. Getting better, though.
When you are assessing this man, take into consideration that actions speak louder than words.3 -
TheRoadDog wrote: »My wife is 8 years younger than I. I am not the best communicator either. Getting better, though.
When you are assessing this man, take into consideration that actions speak louder than words.
Thank you. Yes, his action speak boisterously. That’s why I haven’t left.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »swagoner94 wrote: »I’m not even wanting to change him. He’s seriously the best guy ever!! He’s genuine and kind. Beautiful soul. I’m not trying to change his core being... I’m asking for him to vocalize how he’s already feeling every now and then. Everyone has stuff to work on. He’s told me long ago that words of affirmation is what he needs but has always been hard for him to give. His love language is acts of service. That’s not easy for me to give, but because I care for him, I work at it and try to and it’s become more and more natural for me to do that. But of course the issue seems more deeply rooted for him that just practicing something that’s always been hard for him to do. It’s obviously engrained in some hurt from his past.
he isnt giving you want you need in the relationship... that means he is not the 'best guy ever'...
Getting everything we desire from a person doesn’t determine if they’re great or terrible people. He’s amazing and has treated me so well and done so much for me. But yes, I’m struggling in the stretches between his big actions and gestures to feel his love because those stretches in between are without verbal affirmation.0
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