Dating a Divorced, Older Man

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  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    smolmaus wrote: »
    If this is the beginning of the relationship then the big wonderful gestures come easy. Its the honeymoon period. Those tail off eventually for every relationship and if he isn't giving you anything else then what are you going to be left with?

    Yep. I do feel I need other forms of expression of his love. I feel like I’m constantly trying to show my love for him in all the ways I can! Words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, physical touch... the whole thing!
  • KickassAmazon76
    KickassAmazon76 Posts: 4,678 Member
    Are you prepared to be in a relationship where you never receive words of affirmation? If you need them that badly, then that may need to be your deal breaker.

    Sit down and think a bit about what is a deal breaker for you. Maybe he'll decide to commit, but he's already said that he struggles with words of affirmation. If that's the case, then I wouldn't count on him changing that any time soon, if ever.

    In fact, I think you should count on him NOT changing (because people rarely do), and decide whether you can see yourself being happy in the long term. It's already been 9 months and you are struggling to the point where it's affecting your self esteem. Do you really want this for another year? Five years? Ten years?

    Also... like someone else says... it sounds like he cares for you, but he just isn't ready to commit to you. He may not want to lose you, but he doesn't sound like he's willing (or able right now) to do what it takes to really connect with and keep you. I'm not putting him down, so I hope it doesn't sound like that, but really.. it sounds like your heart would be better served walking away now.

    Good luck.
  • ekim2016
    ekim2016 Posts: 1,199 Member
    from a older perspective here. When you are 60, he will be 72. You may end up having to care for him. Love is blind and age is something to consider. My suggestion is the explore life more and see if you bump into Mr. Right along the path... good luck young lady!
  • kinetixtrainer2
    kinetixtrainer2 Posts: 9,277 Member
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    SuperOrganism2 wrote: »
    I personally feel as though you will be a lot happier to find somebody closer to your age. You are still very young and growing as a person.

    He will find somebody of his own cohort.

    Look out carefully for your own interests...perhaps at 30 you will want children.

    He will be in a very different place emotionally in most likelihood.

    I suggest a quick, clean break. Spend some personal time to heal, and then move on and do not look back.

    He'll be fine. He's older, and will be able to deal with the shock...unlike you will be...at 30...to discover that your 20s are now gone and your cohort has all gotten married and had their children.

    Best wishes, and good luck.

    I would not even worry about your love styles or whatnot...if I was you. It's not a perfect match for you emotionally, which means the other concrete factors which weigh against the wisdom of the relationship recommend against it.

    I know 12 years is a large age gap and I acknowledge that I am young and have more “growing up” to do. However, we’ve never felt the age difference - apart from him having a far more vivid recollection of Hanson. Our personalities and compatibility align well. I’m not a totally stereotypical 23 year old. We are coworkers, I have a stable job and support myself in LA. I think I’m a little beyond my years and we are quite in sync despite the age gap. I don’t know that the age difference is the sole cause of our problem. So I think the solution doesn’t need to be a clean break based on that alone. I’m hoping someone can just give me a clearer peak into the mind of a 36 year old divorced man so I can better understand where he is coming from and empathize best. I don’t reject your opinion. Thanks for sharing it. I’m just hoping that not all advice will hang on the age gap!

    I don’t see that age gap as an issue at. Of course each individual is different but the age alone to me is not an issue.
  • kinetixtrainer2
    kinetixtrainer2 Posts: 9,277 Member
    CoffeeAndContour wrote: »
    Imo if he truly cared for you in the ways in which you want him to then he'd make a effort at attempting what you need. I am sure even baby steps would be appreciated by him. I can not answer the why's. But I do know that you should not have to settle when it comes to your base needs. If he can't work with you on this, then I would move along. I do however, hope he comes around.

    Well put
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    edited May 2018
    I have just asked my friend's fiance, in his mid thirties, once divorced, who is prepping to marry my friend, his fiancee ( he asked her 3 years ago. They're saving up for her dream wine country wedding) later this year. She's a good friend. He is like a brother to me.

    He said, if he were in his late 20's and was to divulge his sentiments you've shared, then you should wait. Being that he and your man are of an age, mid thirties, he affirmed that men KNOW what they want and how to communicate it at that age. You cannot ask him to give you more than he is ready to share with you. Take your relationship as it stands. See it through, as something that will highly likely not develop more than what you currently share/have with him. If you want more, find another man.


    He actually laughed when I'd shared that you claimed, your man was perfect but for the clashing love languages. He stated, that your man isn't as perfect as you'd like him to be, because he just IS NOT the man who sees you in a more permanent role IN HIS life. You see him as your FOREVER ... Only you might be his RIGHT NOW. And his right now might be forever, just not within the scope of YOUR forever.

  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    skctilidie wrote: »
    tinak33 wrote: »
    Does he understand the love languages and how they are useful in a relationship?
    If he does, but doesn't use them because he doesn't want to give "false hope", then he isn't interested in making this relationship work.
    If he has been in a "committed" relationship with you for 9 months, but says he doesn't want "commitment" then he is not interested in making this work.
    If he talks about wanting to want marriage, but then doesn't really want marriage again because he is "jaded", then he is not interested in making this work.

    All of this. 9 months together, you’ve told him what you need from him, and he still can’t give you that verbal affirmation? He’s not likely to ever start doing so.

    As for knowing who you are and being mature and independent and all of that? I was exactly like you at 23. I was a single mom of a little boy, had a great job, and was 100% sure I knew what I wanted my life to look like in 5/10/15 years and a year later, married someone whose visions were the same whose best qualities were that he was nice to me, was good with my kid, and had a decent job. 14 years and 3 kids together later, I do love him, but we’ve been on the edge of divorce several times because our ideas of what we want from life have both changed immensely as we’ve gone from being 24 and 28 to nearly 38 and 42. We were sure we wanted exactly the same life back then. As we continued to grow up, though, we’ve developed drastically different opinions and preferences for everything from where to live to what to eat to how to parent and balance money to what we do with our spare time and how much time a couple should spend together.
    I can’t say that I’d go back in time and tell myself to take a different path, but there are definitely times when both of us wonder what our lives would be like/if we’d be happier if we hadn’t married. My advice to you and everyone your age don’t be in a rush, don’t settle for someone who can’t be what you really want, and don’t convince yourself that your personality and desires today are what they will always be.

    I know people always change. Life changes and can change our courses. We change our minds. Our likes and interests and dislikes change. People come in and out of our lives and that affects change. However, because he is 36, I think the frequency or polarity of those changes won't be crazy drastic. Either way, I acknowledge these changes and my perception of marriage and love is one that embraces that reality; It isn't an ideal that is delusional about the seasons of change, but one that vows to continue to figure it out together until only death do us part. It is one thing to picture it and say it, and another to live it. Another reality I know. But that's why I take marriage so seriously and wouldn't enter that kind of covenant unless I absolutely knew that I could prefer the other's needs over mine sometimes and choose to figure stuff out with them no matter what.
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    mom23mangos wrote: »
    I don't jump in on Chit-Chat conversations frequently, but now that the filter is broken I can see the threads again. You seem like a very mature 23 year old. I know this because I have a 23yr old. Just the fact that you have read relationship books prior to being in a committed relationship and seem to do a very good job of communicating your needs is very commendable. And I've been super impressed at your calm and rational response to everyone's replies.

    Here's what I'm seeing though. You came here asking for advice when you really wanted people to validate the decision you had already made which was to stay with him and hope that he one day decides to want marriage and begins offering you words of affirmation. I get that you are crazy in love with him and he sounds like a really good guy who was hurt very badly. But he also sounds like a guy who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Meaning he is (maybe not intentionally) stringing you along. As others have mentioned, he's giving you just enough to keep up hope and keep the relationship going. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you guys need to break things off. Give it a time period, say 6 months or a year. Give each other permission to see other people and then revisit how you feel about each other after that time period. I think you may find that he realizes just what he has in you and what he risks by not being totally present in the relationship. I think you may have to sacrifice short term happiness to risk winning your long term goal.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I think we all have a knee-jerk reaction like the one you're noticing in me: to have what we want validated. Few are teachable and malleable by nature! But I AM very appreciative of all the advice I'm hearing. It is really hard to take action on the advice that goes against what I want. Even though I haven't called it off at this point, I really am taking everyone's words to heart and pondering them deeply. I'm very patient and I am willing to wait around a little bit longer, but we've had the conversation and he knows that I won't stay patient forever. Perhaps I'll revive this post in a little but down the road to let you all know what's happened!
  • WorkerDrone83
    WorkerDrone83 Posts: 3,195 Member
    Good luck!
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    CoffeeAndContour wrote: »
    Imo if he truly cared for you in the ways in which you want him to then he'd make a effort at attempting what you need. I am sure even baby steps would be appreciated by him. I can not answer the why's. But I do know that you should not have to settle when it comes to your base needs. If he can't work with you on this, then I would move along. I do however, hope he comes around.

    Thank you :) I hope so too. He absolutely knows how he's not meeting all my emotional needs and he's verbally committed to working on it and has asked for my patience. I just get a little impatient sometimes. It's been about a month and half since that conversation and maybe some improvement, but very little. To be fair, we are currently in the craziest production period at our company where everyone is working 10am-10pm pretty much and on weekends... It is a little hard for someone to balance work right now, and an emotionally needy girlfriend..
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    777Gemma888 wrote: »
    I have just asked my friend's fiance, in his mid thirties, once divorced, who is prepping to marry my friend, his fiancee ( he asked her 3 years ago. They're saving up for her dream wine country wedding) later this year. She's a good friend. He is like a brother to me.

    He said, if he were in his late 20's and was to divulge his sentiments you've shared, then you should wait. Being that he and your man are of an age, mid thirties, he affirmed that men KNOW what they want and how to communicate it at that age. You cannot ask him to give you more than he is ready to share with you. Take your relationship as it stands. See it through, as something that will highly likely not develop more than what you currently share/have with him. If you want more, find another man.


    He actually laughed when I'd shared that you claimed, your man was perfect but for the clashing love languages. He stated, that your man isn't as perfect as you'd like him to be, because he just IS NOT the man who sees you in a more permanent role IN HIS life. You see him as your FOREVER ... Only you might be his RIGHT NOW. And his right now might be forever, just not within the scope of YOUR forever.

    I sincerely appreciate that you asked someone on my behalf who had been in a similar place! Thank youuuu! Hard to hear but I appreciate it.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
    edited May 2018
    See him casually while you date other people. You are too young to be worrying about this right now, marriage and kids are for your 30's, 20's is for getting your career and financial life straight and it's also for fun and traveling, dating, and hanging with friends. 20's is for you and figuring out who you are and what you want and you can't do that unless you put yourself out there and experience different things and people. Edited to say my husband is 11 years older than me, what I said was the way I ran my life and I haven't regretted it, you need to have your own experiences. If it's meant to be then he will still be there when all is said and done.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    Far be it from me to criticize an age difference. My father's first wife was 8 years younger, and his second was 17 years younger.

    What I do want to point out is that you describe yourself as needing frequent verbal affirmations.

    I don't know what that is.
    You're talking about a dude.
    Who probably doesn't know what that is, either.

    Have mercy.
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    JeromeBarry1 wrote: »
    Far be it from me to criticize an age difference. My father's first wife was 8 years younger, and his second was 17 years younger.

    What I do want to point out is that you describe yourself as needing frequent verbal affirmations.

    I don't know what that is.
    You're talking about a dude.
    Who probably doesn't know what that is, either.

    Have mercy.

    Haha! Not "frequent." I'll just take any... at any frequency...
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    Grimmerick wrote: »
    See him casually while you date other people. You are too young to be worrying about this right now, marriage and kids are for your 30's, 20's is for getting your career and financial life straight and it's also for fun and traveling, dating, and hanging with friends. 20's is for you and figuring out who you are and what you want and you can't do that unless you put yourself out there and experience different things and people. Edited to say my husband is 11 years older than me, what I said was the way I ran my life and I haven't regretted it, you need to have your own experiences. If it's meant to be then he will still be there when all is said and done.

    For my 23 years of life, I've never been one to casually date or see multiple people at a time. People always say 20s are for that, but personally, I've just never been compelled by that. I have such a high view of marriage and dating to me has always been solely for seeing if there's a potential for that. That doesn't mean I'm interrogating people right off the bat or talking a ton about marriage. But I'm just saying it's hard for me to hangout with no motives.
  • bojack3
    bojack3 Posts: 1,483 Member
    I am a divorced older man thatf has dated a couple of younger women. Hasn't worked out well for them so far.....but hey ya never know.....
  • bojack3
    bojack3 Posts: 1,483 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    I've always found that divorced older men are more likely to buy you that pricey designer handbag you've been admiring all year if you happen to be strolling through a high end department store together. I can't think of any other real advantages associated with such an arrangement, but there's that. And with proper leather care and careful handling, that bag can stay looking good well beyond its years.

    Such a romantic optimist:)
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    bojack3 wrote: »
    I am a divorced older man thatf has dated a couple of younger women. Hasn't worked out well for them so far.....but hey ya never know.....

    Do you think that's just because they haven't been the right gals or is it because the divorce had left you disinterested in the institution of marriage?
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    jessicafordy9 wrote: »
    I can offer an outsider view if you want. My mother cheated on my dad after 15 years together and some time after the divorce he began seeing a significantly younger woman (he was late 30s and she was 23, similar to your situation). They have hit a few rough patches over the past 10 years, partly because of her past causing her issues and depression after she had a child. They're not married but engaged. I suspect why they've not married after such a long time may be in part due to my dad's reluctance.
    Marriage at the end of the day is only a piece of paper and while it's a nice ideology after being betrayed it's understandable that it's lost its shimmer to your partner. The only advice is to both be honest about how you feel and to try not invest more than the other person will into a relationship.

    That makes sense. Thanks for your insight.
  • Michaellifts1234
    Michaellifts1234 Posts: 25 Member
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
    Uh. Good luck
    Lol. Helpful.
    Young lady, don’t listen to them. Everyone is an expert, and trust me.. the guys are jealous they can’t pull off what he is. If you want to be with him, go for it. Most people never even get 1 good year with someone.. so who are they to judge. I’ve had friends your age who wanted to have kids and get married. Knew that about them when they were teenagers. I’m your BFs age, and they’re still married. You want to see him, so stop worrying what others think.. it will ruin it. People will always, have an opinion, that opinion doesn’t matter. I know women who have dated with a bigger age gap. I say go for it...
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    jimmyjames5555 wrote: »
    swagoner94 wrote: »
    CaptainFantastic01 wrote: »
    Uh. Good luck
    Lol. Helpful.
    Young lady, don’t listen to them. Everyone is an expert, and trust me.. the guys are jealous they can’t pull off what he is. If you want to be with him, go for it. Most people never even get 1 good year with someone.. so who are they to judge. I’ve had friends your age who wanted to have kids and get married. Knew that about them when they were teenagers. I’m your BFs age, and they’re still married. You want to see him, so stop worrying what others think.. it will ruin it. People will always, have an opinion, that opinion doesn’t matter. I know women who have dated with a bigger age gap. I say go for it...

    Ah now I see your reply! haha, I got your message first.

    Thank you! I appreciate that. Honestly, all the opinions were bumming me out so thanks for this. Yeah, I often feel "despised for my youth." I know I'm young and I can already tell my 18 year old version of myself how much I had left to learn even in the years between then and now. So I can only imagine what 35 year old me will say to 23 year old me. But I mean... I don't think there's an age where that stops. I'm sure 45 year old you will look back on 36 year old you today with similar sentiments.

    I like the age gap ;)
  • swagoner94
    swagoner94 Posts: 220 Member
    karsei01 wrote: »
    Hi!

    This is one for me!

    I am like your guy. I was 36, and just devorced ( after 14 years marriage, and two children ( at that time 11 and 2,5)).
    I am a shy person, not dated to many ( only two before), and am/was a person who never shoved feelings, had problems being openly motional, and so on.

    One day, when picking up my daughter from kindergarden, I saw a girl, just in a blink. And I was lost. Looked for a couple of days to see if I could see her again, and found her after a week. Beeing shy, it took three months of just looking before dearing to speak.

    We connected instantly.

    She was 23.

    We're married now, only two weeks shy of a year. We have a beautifull daughter together.
    I never think about the difference in age, she has other life experiences, and we complete each other.

    I can offer many things guys her age can't, and my kids really love her (even my exwife thinks she's perfect).

    My friends, who some of them was sceptical, has apologized to her. They all see that I am happy.
    I've opened up. I can show emotions, I can comment her beauty in public, heck I even kiss out on the streets.

    For me she's perfect, and I am greatfull every day!

    I love to hear from people that have experienced something similar and can give me insight like this, from direct experience. Thank you for sharing this. My guy told me that he was absolutely not looking to date and was out of the game altogether and that I just came out of nowhere. I was new at work and on my very first day, we clicked. We hung out on my second week at work, and have been hanging out ever since (9 months later now).

    Divorce is rough. I'm learning through this thread and from experience with him that it really does put up a wall. I'd like to think I'm like the 23 year old woman that changed it all for you. I don't know yet if I am to my guy what she is for you. I hope so!

    Was it difficult as you were hanging out initially to be open and unguarded, or was that at all an issue in your dating relationship with her?
  • karsei01
    karsei01 Posts: 442 Member
    Well...we never really dated. I decided that I was going to be a better me and try to open up. It was not that easy, and took time and some dragging from her side. Totally worth it. But still I sometimes falls into old habits, she just drags me back though
  • go_cubs
    go_cubs Posts: 1,183 Member
    Yes yes yes ... but enjoy the time together...
    That’s a big thing for me as well, needing that reassurance from a partner but all men I feel have a hard time saying stuff like that
  • go_cubs
    go_cubs Posts: 1,183 Member
    leut_underpants wrote: »
    spanish_liza wrote: »
    Yes yes yes ... but enjoy the time together...
    That’s a big thing for me as well, needing that reassurance from a partner but all men I feel have a hard time saying stuff like that

    Not all of us. My wife and I are very much stereotypical role reversed in this - I'm the affirming, complimentary type who needs a little bit of that back from her, but rarely get it returned. I've managed to love her for 20+ years anyway.

    Men may exhibit that trait more frequently than women, but it's very far from all men.

    That’s great, your wife is a lucky woman
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