Dating a Divorced, Older Man
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First of all I am not going to say anything about age difference. My mom's first husband was 12 years older (he died at 42) and my dad was 16 years older. My husband is 11 years older than me and I have dated as many as 18 years older. Age has nothing to do with feelings. Personally I never felt the need or desire to sew wild oats or have party days or whatever and I still do not.
However, I dated someone I was head over heels for (he was ten years my senior) before I met my (second) husband. He was not ready to call what we had a relationship after almost a year. At some point I finally believed him that he would never marry again and more than likely would never get over his ex. I broke it off. I met my husband.
Several times after I started seeing my husband he called to see if I was still happy and still dating someone else. I found out years later that he regretted being such a bull head.
I would move on. He may figure out after you are gone that he was being stupid. Then again he may not. Either way, you have a decision to make. Move on and let him have his space to figure out his feelings or stay and feel unworthy of a real relationship.7 -
spanish_liza wrote: »leut_underpants wrote: »spanish_liza wrote: »Yes yes yes ... but enjoy the time together...
That’s a big thing for me as well, needing that reassurance from a partner but all men I feel have a hard time saying stuff like that
Not all of us. My wife and I are very much stereotypical role reversed in this - I'm the affirming, complimentary type who needs a little bit of that back from her, but rarely get it returned. I've managed to love her for 20+ years anyway.
Men may exhibit that trait more frequently than women, but it's very far from all men.
That’s great, your wife is a lucky woman
I'm so glad you've been able to love her well despite the lack of verbal affirmation. I think certain expressions of love are easier for some than they are for others. Few are masters of expressing them every way. But I do think both involved should make active efforts to try expressing those that come more unnaturally to them.
Doing things to help out (like dishes or some other type of chore-like task) is a harder one for me to do for another person, but I know my SO appreciates that so I try really hard to do that for him as much as I can. Verbal affirmation, on the other hand, is so easy for me to give - especially when the recipient so easily deserves the praise.
I also assume divorce can hurt a person's ego so I try to that even more to help bolster it a bit more.1 -
bobshuckleberry wrote: »First of all I am not going to say anything about age difference. My mom's first husband was 12 years older (he died at 42) and my dad was 16 years older. My husband is 11 years older than me and I have dated as many as 18 years older. Age has nothing to do with feelings. Personally I never felt the need or desire to sew wild oats or have party days or whatever and I still do not.
However, I dated someone I was head over heels for (he was ten years my senior) before I met my (second) husband. He was not ready to call what we had a relationship after almost a year. At some point I finally believed him that he would never marry again and more than likely would never get over his ex. I broke it off. I met my husband.
Several times after I started seeing my husband he called to see if I was still happy and still dating someone else. I found out years later that he regretted being such a bull head.
I would move on. He may figure out after you are gone that he was being stupid. Then again he may not. Either way, you have a decision to make. Move on and let him have his space to figure out his feelings or stay and feel unworthy of a real relationship.
Thank you for sharing this. My guy definitely calls what we have, a "relationship." He just knows that I don't date for any other purpose than to see if marriage is possible, and he isn't sure if he can open back up to marriage again. So, since he doesn't know that yet, he doesn't want verbal affirmation to give too much hope for that if in the end he doesn't get there. He sees himself opening back up to it. But he's not all the way opened up to it at the moment. He feels that verbal affirmation is like a promise for something he can't promise me right now...
I tried to explain to him that verbal affirmation is only one thing that gives me hope. That by being with me at all, and by expressing his feeling all the other ways he does, THAT gives me hope. So I have a hard time understanding why he picks and choose which expressions he can act on. It's like he just picked verbal affirmation to withhold.. but won't withhold anywhere else. And it just so happens that the one he picked is the one I'm presently most yearning for. But I'm trying to be patient because I feel he's worth it. But I'm hearing a lot of you feel differently. That it's not worth the wait.
I know there's no guarantee anything will change at all. It's hard for me to trust that I deserve something else and should move on. I'm sure if I did move on and found something else, I could much more easily look back and think... okay, yeah, I totally did deserve something more. But right now, I know I have an amazing guy. And that's about it. Maybe I need to put a time on it? Wait for x more months and if nothing has improved??? I don't think I would share the timeline, but maybe it's a good idea for me to set one in my own mind? Good idea? bad idea? if good idea, what would be a good number of months? It's been 9 so far... about 1 since I've brought up that I need verbal affirmation.2 -
Maybe I need to put a time on it? Wait for x more months and if nothing has improved??? I don't think I would share the timeline, but maybe it's a good idea for me to set one in my own mind? Good idea? bad idea? if good idea, what would be a good number of months? It's been 9 so far... about 1 since I've brought up that I need verbal affirmation.
If you are not seeing any effort or decision from him to move forward in your relationship in another month I think that is plenty of time to give it. You told him your end goal, you told him what was important to you. If he wants to stay with you then he should be showing some effort to change and work through his issues. When someone wants something they make the effort. If he isn't making effort then he doesn't want what you want.
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Maybe I need to put a time on it? Wait for x more months and if nothing has improved??? I don't think I would share the timeline, but maybe it's a good idea for me to set one in my own mind? Good idea? bad idea? if good idea, what would be a good number of months? It's been 9 so far... about 1 since I've brought up that I need verbal affirmation.
If you are not seeing any effort or decision from him to move forward in your relationship in another month I think that is plenty of time to give it. You told him your end goal, you told him what was important to you. If he wants to stay with you then he should be showing some effort to change and work through his issues. When someone wants something they make the effort. If he isn't making effort then he doesn't want what you want.
Thank you, I appreciate your answer!0 -
I think giving it at time frame in your own mind is a GREAT idea. I also hadn't realized it had only been a month since you'd brought up your needs. I'd say give it another 3 months...go to the 1yr mark. You should have a REALLY good idea by then whether he's in or out at that point. Then you also do like I suggested earlier and put at timeframe on the separation if you don't want to totally close that door. Allow yourself to revisit how you feel about each other after 6 months.
Edit - you might also need to remind him. Not nag, but maybe every few weeks, mention how much you appreciate XYZ, but remind him that you need words of affirmation too. That it's something you can't have a long term relationship without.2 -
mom23mangos wrote: »I think giving it at time frame in your own mind is a GREAT idea. I also hadn't realized it had only been a month since you'd brought up your needs. I'd say give it another 3 months...go to the 1yr mark. You should have a REALLY good idea by then whether he's in or out at that point. Then you also do like I suggested earlier and put at timeframe on the separation if you don't want to totally close that door. Allow yourself to revisit how you feel about each other after 6 months.
Edit - you might also need to remind him. Not nag, but maybe every few weeks, mention how much you appreciate XYZ, but remind him that you need words of affirmation too. That it's something you can't have a long term relationship without.
Thank you! This is very practical and helpful advice. I appreciate it!
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Run, Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.7
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Good luck0
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Older guys are needy and have a shiz load of baggage after a divorce. Find a young stud and develop baggage with him14
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swagoner94 wrote: »He shows it tremendously. That has been what has kept me going this far. He never I never went or was asked to prom in high school so for Valentines Day he decorated his entire house beautifully, had us dress up, and threw me a private prom. He’s done many huge gestures like this. He shows it. I’m thankful for that since I do thing action is louder. But 9 months later without much of the verbal is hard for me.swagoner94 wrote: »Romantic love is a type of love and it ebbs and flows. People get married based off this and when it isn’t “romantic” feeling, they divorce. People shouldn’t get married based on that feeling. A good marriage should try to keep it and sustain that. Unconditional love is self sacrificing. It isn’t a feeling or emotion. It’s a conscious and constant choice to choose a person even when they’re unlovely.
I'm 100% with you in all your beliefs about marriage. My husband and I were married at 23 and 22 respectively, and are parents of 5 children, coming up on our 22nd anniversary this summer. I love my husband, he loves me, and we will be married until we die.
But my primary love language is also Words of Affirmation, and it would kill him to speak any. I guess I didn't realize it before we married (hadn't ever heard of the 5 Love Languages) or subconsciously told myself that it would get better or something, or that it wouldn't matter, I don't know. But it didn't get better, and my longing for it has only increased as the years have passed. He knows this full well; during 18 months of counselling in a recent rough patch, I told him countless times that I just needed to hear him tell me "You look nice!" And the counsellors and our pastor repeatedly encouraged him to do so. Three years later, the words still haven't passed his lips. Yet he is a wonderful father and husband and an amazing provider, and he does things all the time to show me love, and constantly tells me he loves me. Just no words of affirmation. I am content in my marriage, but often not happy. I often feel lonely and unloved, as silly as that is, since I know it's untrue, but my soul just needs to have affirming words.
So, the short form of what I'm saying: it's a sad and lonely relationship when your love language isn't being met, and I think he has made it clear that he can't meet that need for you. It's not about the age gap or about his divorce, it's his personality. That love language is foreign to him. And it won't change. From one woman desiring to save another woman from future heartache, please let him go, and find someone with whom you can truly be happy.8 -
He says he can't commit. He's not meeting your needs and not willing to work to change it. Girlfriend, it's time to move on....6
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You are quoted as saying...
"he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again"
What stands out to me are the words false hope commitment issues and not sure he wants to be married again
He has basically told you just exactly where he stands. There is no mystery to solve here. Listen to him without hearing what it is you want to hear. A woman's intuition is her greatest gift.... Don't ignore it. It is that which has brought you here to ask a bunch of strangers what they think as you try to twist and pull apart his intentions.
Care for yourself.
This is my advice fwiw. All the best13 -
So, the short form of what I'm saying: it's a sad and lonely relationship when your love language isn't being met, and I think he has made it clear that he can't meet that need for you. It's not about the age gap or about his divorce, it's his personality. That love language is foreign to him. And it won't change. From one woman desiring to save another woman from future heartache, please let him go, and find someone with whom you can truly be happy.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m glad you’re together and he excels in many other areas but you also deserve to hear those things and I wish he would humble himself and make an effort to give you that, even if it’s unnatural for him at first.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s hard to hear but I understand. My guy even told me growing up his family NEVER gave each other that kind of affirmation so it really may be altogether foreign to him. Sadly..1 -
funjen1972 wrote: »He says he can't commit. He's not meeting your needs and not willing to work to change it. Girlfriend, it's time to move on....
Thank you. Perhaps you’re right - which is a bummerrrr.2 -
Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings wrote: »You are quoted as saying...
"he says he has a hard time giving verbal affirmation because he doesn’t want to give me any false hope. He says he is essentially jaded and has commitment issues. He isn’t even sure he wants to be married again"
What stands out to me are the words false hope commitment issues and not sure he wants to be married again
He has basically told you just exactly where he stands. There is no mystery to solve here. Listen to him without hearing what it is you want to hear. A woman's intuition is her greatest gift.... Don't ignore it. It is that which has brought you here to ask a bunch of strangers what they think as you try to twist and pull apart his intentions.
Care for yourself.
This is my advice fwiw. All the best
You’re so right. He said that. I heard it. He also DID give me what might be false hope because he also told me he never thought he would date again and here he is so the potential to open back up to marriage is revealing itself. But I’m in limbo. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Stick around to find out...... or don’t.3 -
“If it’s meant to be it’ll be...just let it be”
Hmmm, someone should write a song...1 -
Hi!
This is one for me!
I am like your guy. I was 36, and just devorced ( after 14 years marriage, and two children ( at that time 11 and 2,5)).
I am a shy person, not dated to many ( only two before), and am/was a person who never shoved feelings, had problems being openly motional, and so on.
One day, when picking up my daughter from kindergarden, I saw a girl, just in a blink. And I was lost. Looked for a couple of days to see if I could see her again, and found her after a week. Beeing shy, it took three months of just looking before dearing to speak.
We connected instantly.
She was 23.
We're married now, only two weeks shy of a year. We have a beautifull daughter together.
I never think about the difference in age, she has other life experiences, and we complete each other.
I can offer many things guys her age can't, and my kids really love her (even my exwife thinks she's perfect).
My friends, who some of them was sceptical, has apologized to her. They all see that I am happy.
I've opened up. I can show emotions, I can comment her beauty in public, heck I even kiss out on the streets.
For me she's perfect, and I am greatfull every day!
Except for the divorce and the age difference, IMHO your situations are nothing alike. You met someone you liked, pursued her, tried to be a better man for her, married her.
OP's guy, on the other hand, is in a relationship that is stable but really going nowhere. My take is that he likes the stability of having a girlfriend but isn't actually truly interested in pursuing her the way you pursued your wife.
The movie "He's not that into you" comes to mind.7 -
Unconditional love is great, but not if you don't both share it.You can't build your life on hoping that he will change his mind and decide to proclaim his everlasting live for you. Love is a two way street, and if you are always running after him, then maybe it's time to reevaluate what you want, need and deserve, and what you're settling for because it is easier than leaving, and trying to meet new people again, and risking outright rejections.5
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Some people just aren't complimentary, especially if they were never given any affirmation themselves. In the same way some people don't purchase gifts or give you flowers or make a big deal over special occasions. But it doesn't mean they don't care or that they don't think you look really nice. It may just be his personality and if you care about him you may have to accept it.
If you're really happy with your relationship, try not to take it personally, which I know is hard. Instead, pay more attention to his behavior. It sounds like he really cares about you. As they say actions speak louder than words.
Just be confident in yourself, and if he cares even a little bit, he will help you in doing that. If you guys have a strong relationship, then affirmations shouldn't be a major concern, although it is always nice to recieve a compliment. If you really care about him and he makes you happy give him some more time, it's only been 9 months. He may just come around!1 -
Just my opinion...................I've trained a lot of divorced guys (they're trying to get back into shape to get back into the game), and many times we converse about getting remarried......................I have yet have to talk to one that ever wanted to. And this is over 20 years of doing this.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Thanks everyone. I think I will set a "deadline" in my own mind with little non-nagging nudges every now and then, and encouragement when he does show some improvement. If there's no significant change by that time-frame, I will do the hard task of moving on amicably.
I know you're all strangers but I sincerely appreciate your honest advice.5 -
swagoner94 wrote: »Thanks everyone. I think I will set a "deadline" in my own mind with little non-nagging nudges every now and then, and encouragement when he does show some improvement. If there's no significant change by that time-frame, I will do the hard task of moving on amicably.
I know you're all strangers but I sincerely appreciate your honest advice.
As long as you know that it will come across as nagging... :laugh:4 -
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If he loved you, he would say so.
People in love don't find it hard to tell their partners that, people in love don't reject their partners needs of affirmation. He told you straight up. But you love him and hope he will change his mind about it. Did you come here looking for hope and affirmation? Get a good guy who wants the same as you. I don't mean to seem callous but this gut is in a rebound and you are the one getting shafted here.6 -
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