How to politely tell a coworker that their comments make me feel bad?

elphie754

So I have a coworker who has started to make comments about me having a large butt every time I bend down to get something. Not sure how to tell them nicely that it hurts my feelings. Anyone have a suggestion?

cmriverside

"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."


Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."

RAinWA

I wouldn't necessarily be nice. "Yeah, I heard you the first 62 times you told me that. Shut up."

Or you could just tell them it hurts your feelings and please stop. But anyone who is rude enough to say it in the first place probably won't recognize that it upsets you.

Lounmoun

I think you can stop worrying about being polite the minute that person starts talking about your butt.

Tell them comments about your body are unwelcome and unacceptable.

callsitlikeiseeit

ummm yeah. go to HR.

i wouldnt put up with that *kitten* for a minute.

amberellen12

That’s harassment. Report it to HR. Don’t worry about their feelings they abvioisly don’t care about yours.

AnvilHead

Tell them that the comments are unwelcome, you want them to stop immediately, and you won't tell them this again.

If they continue, go to your HR department/person and file an EEO complaint.

amberellen12

Obviously typo!

elphie754

cmriverside wrote: »

"Did you really just comment again about my body? Next time, I will take my documented descriptions of your comments to HR."


Yeah, I wouldn't even try to come up with "nice."

Not really something I’d want to get HR involved in since I have to work with her for 12 hours each week I’m an ambulance. I feel like involving HR would make things worse.

JaydedMiss

i cant even imagine how anyone thinks thats okay to say...... I wouldnt be nice back. I get that you want to since a coworker and i know im no help but people like that make me crazy, I honestly cant imagine what their brain is saying to their mouth and how it passes their appropriate checklist lol


have you tried...you know....telling her it hurts your feelings and asking her to stop..? May make for an uncomfortable moment but saves many future uncomfortable moments. Your worth standign up for yourself. Your worth more then constantly being made to feel bad, Especially when id like to think she doesnt intend to make you feel bad you probably smile and giggle it off which sort of just tells her its fine to continue. Its not.

JaydedMiss

Comments arent going to magically disappear because you want them to, Obviously. Either stand up for yourself or dont, Kind of the options -hugs- i hope you stand up for self

PaperDoll_

Just start singing Baby Got Back and tell her to stop being jealous!

But in all honesty, I understand your hesitation about going to HR. Just be honest with her and tell her it hurts your feelings and you wish she'd stop. If she doesn't, then it's harassment, and you really should consider HR seriously as an option.

krose4514

I agree with other posters who are saying you should feel no obligation to respond “nicely” - it’s totally inappropriate! That said, I also understand not wanting to create tension with someone you have to work with. Could you try something along the lines of “I’m sure you’re just joking, but your comments about my body hit a nerve for me” ??

malibu927

Ask him if he'd say that about a patient. If he says no, ask why he thinks it's appropriate to say to you.

snickerscharlie

It's another woman making these comments about your butt? Tell her they are unacceptable and to please just stop it, already.

Sadly, sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you. And if you let them treat you badly, you are not being part of the solution.

Mistraal1981

RAinWA wrote: »

"Yeah, I heard you the first 62 times you told me that. "

Best suggestion so far. Implying it has been done to death and needs to end now. Personally I'd throw in a, "can we move on now?" at the end.

mkculs

No one makes you feel anything. You are self-conscious about your body and you choose to give her words power.
Choose not to. This isn't about you, really. I couldn't care less if someone made a comment about my butt, but it is still workplace inappropriate and subject to disciplinary action, regardless of how I feel. Professionalism requires you to stand up for your workplace environment. If you don't, and she messes up with a member of the public, and you are not on record as objecting to her behaviors, you could be implicated. Unlikely scenario, but you never know when a person who demonstrates as little professionalism as she does is going to mess up.

A few years back, a new friend saw my wedding photo for the first time. "Wow, you were so pretty! How can you be so fat now; doesn't it bother you?" I was a bit surprised b/c it isn't something most people I know would say, but I just said that yes, it bothered me because I can't do all the things I'd like, but it didn't bother me to not look the same. Today, that same friend saw me for the first time since I had gained more weight, and she said, "Oh you did get fatter." I'm not in the least offended--it's the truth, and I know it, and she loves me a lot. Our feelings result not from what others say, but what WE think about their words.

Your co-worker has to stop making personal comments b/c they are workplace inappropriate, but you are under no obligation to feel bad about what comes out of her mouth.

Good luck, however you decide to handle it.

Calliope610

mkculs wrote: »

Our feelings result not from what others say, but what WE think about their words.

Wow, this is awesome. I have never heard it put that way, but you are spot on!

jgnatca

“Ouch! That was a nasty thing to say. There won’t be a repeat, will there?”

I worked in a nasty snipey office and once the office gossip slung out a zinger. I zinged right back, “Gossip!” I said it with a smile but I could tell from her eyes that it hit home. She never insulted me to my face again. Though I left that office years ago and she’s retired she still looks up my profile on LinkedIn once in a while.

Tiger, stripes I guess.

AnvilHead

Or if you just want to take the gloves off and get down and dirty, say "I might be fat, but you're an *kitten*hole - and I can diet".

SLOgal

"That has been rude and inappropriate every time you've said it."

MsMaeFlowers

"It's still smaller than your head"

100_PROOF_

If you don't want to go to HR, maybe just say something like " ok got it I have a big butt can we talk about something else because I'm done discussing this with you!"

Lynnara

Its not appropriate in the workplace, period. You have to be honest with her if you dont want to go to HR, however, the best revenge for me would be to lose weight and look better than her,

RoxieDawn

elphie754 wrote: »

So I have a coworker who has started to make comments about me having a large butt every time I bend down to get something. Not sure how to tell them nicely that it hurts my feelings. Anyone have a suggestion?

This is terrible. I don't get people and their need to be like this at all. Hugs.

I am getting old and do not tolerate things like this, my very first thing I thought of what I would say when I saw this was to say to them 'my butt is none of your business'

But if you are looking for something a bit more 'nice' just tell them 'hey look, this makes me feel bad so please stop'. Surely she will understand that its inappropriate and it would be enough to stop and hopefully she would apologize.

erjones11

I have been struggling with this politely thing regarding their comment.

Perhaps you could say I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I appreciate our working relationship but kindly ask that you not discuss my weight or body any longer. No offense but this is just something I am very sensitive about.

That said, report them to HR and get a new nice partner to work with.

jbartell2

I had a coworker who happened to be the Number 2 person in charge of the whole agency. He was the Executive VP. He made an inappropriate comment to me one day about my weight. I was flabbergasted and hurt for days. But before I retired, I calmly told him how offended I was. He apologized and then in his back peddling made another inappropriate comment. I realized that he just was stupid and uncouth. But at least he knew he was rude and inappropriate and I had let him know about it. I agree with you about not going to HR until you give this person a chance to be aware how rude they are.

nickssweetheart

This is harassment and you need to get past being "nice" about it. I know you have to work with her, but someone insensitive enough to do this to begin with is not going to stop unless you put the fear of God or a lawsuit into her.

How about "Did you fall asleep during the sexual harassment training? What makes you think it's okay to talk about my body at all, let alone that way?"

PAV8888

elphie754 wrote: »

Wow-rude much?

And that's the EXACT THREE words that should follow your coworker's next comment.

NovusDies

If you really want to get out of this situation without causing problems with someone you have to spend so much time with "sandwich" it. Identify 2 things you really like about spending time with her, tell her the first one, tell her you dislike comments on your personal anatomy, then tell her the second one. Be sincere and matter-of-fact.

elphie754

Thank you everyone. She is actually my “good” partner so definitely want to keep her around. My other two seem to be trying for a world record of stupid (I wish that was an understatement.

I actually sent her text (felt tnqould be easier because I hate conflict for the most part). She apologized and said she actually meant it as a compliment-as in she has been tying to work out to get a bigger booty, but won’t say anything anymore.

erjones11 wrote: »

I have been struggling with this politely thing regarding their comment.

Perhaps you could say I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I appreciate our working relationship but kindly ask that you not discuss my weight or body any longer. No offense but this is just something I am very sensitive about.

That said, report them to HR and get a new nice partner to work with.

Lol our partner pool is extremely limited. If I did change, there is a good chance I’d ended up with someone worse.
I’d rather work with a competent partner who makes the occasional rude comment than work with someone who is incompetent who I wouldn’t trust to babysit a pet rock.