Am I being rude by not going to dinner with my family?

PikaKnight

So.. they knew for weeks and only told you today? Or did you just found out the restaurant today?

If you just found out today, a simple "I can't make it today, I wish I had known sooner or I wouldn't have made plans" will suffice.

Yes, they've had the reservations for weeks and only asked me if I wanted to join them this morning. My initial "no, thanks. I'll just find something to munch on here" was protested and that's when everything took a turn because I felt like I was being too rigid and should try to meet them half way. That's when I tried to find their menu, which is unavailable outside of the restaurant, and then tried to find reviews on the place from vegetarians, which is where I found that they like to put fish in or on pretty much everything. I'd been hoping they'd just let it die and not turn it into a respect issue. My grandfather and the Evangelist uncle are very opinionated and want me to go.

Had they invited me from the beginning OR even a couple of days in advance, I would've called, spoken to someone, made my decision and been done with it. It's only the specifics of this situation, being the difficulty with finding the menu and the personalities involved that make it more difficult than normal.

My uncle's gf's dad is also a preacher, so it's almost inevitable that religion WILL come up, and my Televangelist uncle and I are usually religious discussion sparring partners (I'm pretty studied in multiple religions despite being Agnostic and so is he, so we like to debate and discuss it at length), so he'll be expecting that out of me today because that's usually what we do. He even asked me who he's going to discuss the beginnings of Christianity and the religious beginnings of the area with if I'm not there. He often calls me up and discusses certain topics with me to prepare for sermons because I tend to have really good, well-thought-out counters. I'm in no way blowing that out of proportion, it's a thing that happens every time that uncle and I spend more than 20 minutes in a room together. I don't want to do that today because that's not the focus of this day, and I'm afraid that my having to go over menu options will give someone an avenue to bring it up. This isn't just a Tuesday afternoon with a bunch of family getting together, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.

Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.

Okay...just don't go. There. solved it for you.

If you are okay distancing yourself from family, than don't worry about it. There are a few family members I'm not close to and have no problem not spending time with. If they were to pass away, I wouldn't regret missing out on spending time with them. If that's how you feel towards your uncle..then the answer is simple. Just. Don't. Go.

HollisGrant

Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.

So if these issues come up, hold your hand up, smile, and say, "Not today. I don't want to be the focus of the day. Today is about congratulating

---

"

Pixi_Rex

So.. they knew for weeks and only told you today? Or did you just found out the restaurant today?

If you just found out today, a simple "I can't make it today, I wish I had known sooner or I wouldn't have made plans" will suffice.

Yes, they've had the reservations for weeks and only asked me if I wanted to join them this morning. My initial "no, thanks. I'll just find something to munch on here" was protested and that's when everything took a turn because I felt like I was being too rigid and should try to meet them half way. That's when I tried to find their menu, which is unavailable outside of the restaurant, and then tried to find reviews on the place from vegetarians, which is where I found that they like to put fish in or on pretty much everything. I'd been hoping they'd just let it die and not turn it into a respect issue. My grandfather and the Evangelist uncle are very opinionated and want me to go.

Had they invited me from the beginning OR even a couple of days in advance, I would've called, spoken to someone, made my decision and been done with it. It's only the specifics of this situation, being the difficulty with finding the menu and the personalities involved that make it more difficult than normal.

My uncle's gf's dad is also a preacher, so it's almost inevitable that religion WILL come up, and my Televangelist uncle and I are usually religious discussion sparring partners (I'm pretty studied in multiple religions despite being Agnostic and so is he, so we like to debate and discuss it at length), so he'll be expecting that out of me today because that's usually what we do. He even asked me who he's going to discuss the beginnings of Christianity and the religious beginnings of the area with if I'm not there. He often calls me up and discusses certain topics with me to prepare for sermons because I tend to have really good, well-thought-out counters. I'm in no way blowing that out of proportion, it's a thing that happens every time that uncle and I spend more than 20 minutes in a room together. I don't want to do that today because that's not the focus of this day, and I'm afraid that my having to go over menu options will give someone an avenue to bring it up. This isn't just a Tuesday afternoon with a bunch of family getting together, and I'm trying to be respectful of that.

Again, this is less about food than it is about my not wanting to have to actively avoid the focus of the day to be on me, when there's a pretty big and obvious reason they're going.

See, for me it would have been "no I already made plans tonight because I was't aware this was happening so sorry but I can't make it" and I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.

goodnamegone

They are being rude by inviting you with such short notice.

aNewYear123

I am confused about your family's statements. I am a Christian and although I CAN eat meat it is perfectly acceptable for me not to eat meat if I don't want to. I don't know of any place in the Bible that says thou must eat meat.

Some of my family has switched to vegetarian, honestly finding something at a restaurant is much harder for my father, who has celiac and can't eat wheat, then it is for those who choose not to eat meat.

You may have been better off already having plans or, if you say no, be sure to state that you don't want this to cause an issue for your Uncle. Otherwise, just saying no may lead to your not being included in the future because they will assume you will decline again.

Good luck with your family.

LoosingMyLast15

having read your explanation - i don't find it rude and i think it's admirable you are standing up for what is right for you PLUS you realize that because of your choices attention will be misplaced on to you and not your uncle.

have you thought about going just for dessert (i know i know here we are on mfp and i'm suggesting dessert) but since it is for a very special occasion and clearly your uncle would like you to be present i think it would be acceptable to have a little dessert (or go for a cocktail). find out if/when he is going to propose and show up for just that.

wilsoje74

I am a vegetarian and I have never had that much trouble going to any kind of restaurant......I feel like you are blowing this situation way out of proportion.

Yes, I agree. Order a salad. You can't tell us they don't have a plain veggie salad. I think you are making a Really big deal About something no one else really cares about. I can't imagine everyone will be caring all that much what you eat. Why make it about you???

hungryhobbit1

Just have a late lunch before you go, and explain that you are there to support the family but you are on a special diet and you will only be ordering a drink. Order a zero calorie fizzy beverage or an iced tea. Smile. If they ask you about it, mumble something about a diet plan. This is not actually a lie (you do have a special diet, involving not eating fish) but is less likely to result in an annoying political/religious conversation.

Doodlewhopper

Ok, here's the situation:

I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat animals of any kind, land, air or sea animals.

My family is meeting my uncle's girlfriend's dad tonight at a fish restaurant. They asked me if I wanted to go. I said no. They think I'm being rude because they want me to go. To be accommodating, I looked up their menu, and all it has is a list of fish they might theoretically have today - no mention of sides, no mention of non-fish options, nothing. The list and an explanation that the fish is fresh and availability depends on their catch today. They don't open until 4pm, and we would have to leave at 3 to get to our reservation, so I can't even call ahead (they just asked me if I wanted to go this morning, and have had the plans for weeks) and ask about non-meat options. That would be an awkward conversation, anyway, which I suspect would go something like this:

"Hi, thank you for calling (Name of Fish Restaurant!) How may I help you today?"
"Hello. My family has reservations there tonight, and I was wondering what was on your menu that didn't include fish or meat."
"... It's... It's a fish restaurant..."
"Yes... I know... but I'm a vegetarian..."
"... It's a fish restaurant... Everything has fish in it..."
"... Ok... thanks for your time..." *hang up*

The other reason I don't want to go is because I know my uncle might be proposing tonight, and I'm happy for him, and I want this night to be about him and his potential fiancé, like it's supposed to be. Her dad is also a preacher, as are quite a few of the men in my family, so I know the "God says _____ about eating the flesh of animals" thing will likely come up, and I don't want to have the (this is of course slightly exaggerated, but it's pretty much how it goes)

"Can I just have a plate of steamed vegetables and rice?"
"No fish?"
"No fish."
"You sure?"
"Quite, thank you."
"But... why?"
"Vegetarian."
"Vegetarians eat fish."
"not this one." (because I'd like the topic to go off of me, and don't feel like defending my dietary choices nor explaining the difference between vegetarian and pescetarian)
"my brother's friend's niece is vegetarian and she eats fish"
"That's nice, but I still don't eat fish"
"Why?"
"I don't eat anything that has to be slaughtered"
"The Bible is very clear about eating animals"
"Ok."
"Christians are supposed to eat meat (insert Biblical reference to one verse or another)"
"Yeah............ I'm not a Christian, so, that really has little relevance for me, but thanks for your concern about my spiritual welfare."
*Pokémon music*
"A wild Non-Christian appeared! Preach / Disable, Confusion, Throw Conversion Ball, Run"

conversation.

I've had this conversation dozens of times, and I hate it. It's awkward and I feel like I'm being rude the whole time because I'm the topic of conversation and don't want to be.

Do y'all think I'm being rude by not going? I'm afraid my uncle will think I'm not being supportive. I'm trying to be as polite as possible to everyone involved by just avoiding the situation all-together.

NOTE: After doing some research, it would appear that there's not a single dish on the menu that doesn't include fish, or a sauce infused with fish or something.

I don't want the attention on me, at all. This isn't some form of protest of meat eating or whatever, it's a personal choice I've made and don't want to change. The thought of eating meat grosses me out and always has.

Thoughts?

Get over yourself. Im surprised they even considered inviting you. Look up the definition of "Passive-Aggressive"

misskerouac

I know people with serious food allergies that have had less of an issue going out to eat.

They will have something without meat.

I've never in my life been to a restaurant where there wasn't at least one meal you could order without meat.

Showcase_Brodown

I am confused about your family's statements. I am a Christian and although I CAN eat meat it is perfectly acceptable for me not to eat meat if I don't want to. I don't know of any place in the Bible that says thou must eat meat.

I was thinking the same thing. I eat meat and am a Christian, however I know there is nothing in the Bible that suggests you have to eat meat. Nor is there anything that says I shouldn't. it doesn't mean anything either way spiritually. But that's not the point. Even if the Bible said I was supposed to eat meat, that doesn't mean I should tell you to, because it means nothing to you. I am not holding you submit to my standards, and I feel your family should be mindful of that concept.

I think you and your family have an opportunity to understand each other better. They may have dropped the ball here, but you could still go and make the best of it.

shannashannabobana

Do you want to see your family? If so, go. it is a restaurant. There will be sides and salads. I know many vegetarians that go to steakhouses. Don't make a big production out of your food choice.

Are you using being a vegetarian as an excuse to not hang out?

Seriously. Yes, it is rude if you care about family and it's important to your family. They will have salad or spinach or bread some such thing.

See, for me it would have been "no I already made plans tonight because I was't aware this was happening so sorry but I can't make it" and I wouldn't feel bad about it at all.

I didn't see this late notice thing. If you already had plans, that's legit but it sounds like you didn't. If the vegetarian thing is the only reason, just go.

ncmedic201

You sound like you have already made up your mind that you don't want to go and are now coming up with excuses that you want people here to validate for you. I have yet to go to a seafood restaurant that did not have veggies, salads and/or baked potatoes. I'm sure there are items on the menu that you could eat.

VioletNightshade

Get over yourself. Im surprised they even considered inviting you. Look up the definition of "Passive-Aggressive"

"Passive-aggressive behavior is behavior that expresses aggression in an indirect, passive way. This includes procrastination, hostile jokes (though jokes in general are recognized as a method of expressing veiled hostility),[citation needed] stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible." - Wikipedia

I couldn't care less what they eat. When I heard a couple of weeks ago that they were going to a fish restaurant (I wasn't invited at the time) I thought nothing of it. I don't care if my family or anyone else eats meat. I choose not to.

There was no procrastination, I gave an immediate answer, and then second-guessed myself. I've made no hostile jokes, I'm not being stubborn (or I wouldn't have looked up the menu and then spent over an hour trying to find a review from someone who had found something non-fish to eat there). I don't resent them and I'm not sullen. Going to a dinner I was invited to with only a couple of hours notice when everyone else knew and had given answers a few weeks in advance is not a task I was assigned, nor is it one for which I'm responsible.

How am I being passive-aggressive?

shannashannabobana

procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness

You procrastinated by not making a decision for the whole morning, you sound like you resent their not inviting you a few weeks ago and you sound rather stubborn and sullen so....

If you hate your family and don't want to spend time with them, fine. You may regret that one day but it's up to you.

But this is not about whether the stupid fish place has any french fries or salad or vegetarian friendly options.

djshari

I don't think it's rude by not going. I am so grateful my family doesn't suck ie call me rude for not being able to go to dinner one time. What a hassle. Ultimately it's your choice and you can think of it like this: which will get cause you more grief - going and dealing with family commenting on your dinner choice or not going and then commenting to you later on your absence.

VioletNightshade

I am confused about your family's statements. I am a Christian and although I CAN eat meat it is perfectly acceptable for me not to eat meat if I don't want to. I don't know of any place in the Bible that says thou must eat meat.

I was thinking the same thing. I eat meat and am a Christian, however I know there is nothing in the Bible that suggests you have to eat meat. Nor is there anything that says I shouldn't. it doesn't mean anything either way spiritually. But that's not the point. Even if the Bible said I was supposed to eat meat, that doesn't mean I should tell you to, because it means nothing to you. I am not holding you submit to my standards, and I feel your family should be mindful of that concept.

I think you and your family have an opportunity to understand each other better. They may have dropped the ball here, but you could still go and make the best of it.

Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything. - Genesis 9:3

And the Lord spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying to them, “Speak to the people of Israel, saying, These are the living things that you may eat among all the animals that are on the earth. Whatever parts the hoof and is cloven-footed and chews the cud, among the animals, you may eat. Nevertheless, among those that chew the cud or part the hoof, you shall not eat these: The camel, because it chews the cud but does not part the hoof, is unclean to you. And the rock badger, because it chews the cud but does not part the hoof, is unclean to you. ... - from Leviticus are two of the ones, as well as others that they like to reference.

As I'm sure you know, there are many, many, many denominations of Christianity, all of which believe slightly to drastically different things. You may interpret these verses differently from how he does. He interprets them as God wouldn't bother telling us that he provided animals for us to eat nor would he go through the trouble of explaining which are clean to eat and in which conditions if we weren't supposed to eat them, and that's essentially how he presents that in his sermons. It's a bit more complicated than that, of course, but that's the gist of it.

rich347

Not rude just selfish, its about the time you spend with your family they WUV yooooo........

PikaKnight

Is it dinner time yet?

jonsey_s

No, tell them to F**k off if need be.