Am I being rude by not going to dinner with my family?

fiberartist219

Decline the invitation, but send a card if you want. If it's a proposal, there's probably going to be an engagement party, bachelor party, bachelorette party, bridal shower, wedding, etc to attend, so just hit up one or two of those events and you're good.

I decline most invitations that come at last minute anyway.

MJ_Watson

At first, I thought you were being silly. Of course you can eat the sides, of course a restaurant can accommodate the needs of a veggie.

But then I read your next update and I realized this isn't *really* about being a veggie, it's about not wanting to spend time with people who you are related to, but who make you feel uncomfortable.

So, my advice is:

Don't go. Don't spend time with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and is rude to you. DNA doesn't trump self-dignity. There a whole bunch of people with whom I share DNA, but that make me feel bad. They don't get ANY of my time.

Life is short.
Don't waste it by doing stuff you don't want to do, with people who make you feel bad, whether you are related to them or not.

Agreed with this. If it were really about being vegetarian, I'd say suck it up, find something on the menu, or stick with dessert. But as a nonreligious lesbian in a family of neocon fundamentalist Christians, I understand all too well wanting to avoid any situation where it may come up. It is exhausting trying to defend your choices/beliefs to someone who will never even try to understand. Personally, I'd beg off and make up for it by spending lots of time with the bride-to-be and other relatives you care about in the coming weeks... in less hazardous locations.

(And next time, I'd tell a little white lie about why I couldn't go instead of bringing up the vegetarian thing, since it's a hot button issue with you guys.)

__Di__

What? I was a veggie for about 4 years, and frankly this is ridiculous. Fish is not poisonous and it does not violate her religious beliefs. If you don't want to be involved in the purchase of an animal because it goes against your ethics, I totally get that. But being afraid of well-cooked animal material sitting next to your food is orthorexia.

Some members of OP's extended family sound like a huge PITA. There's always the option to quietly opt out of any occasions requiring their presence. (Aside from weddings and funerals.) There's also the option to not so quietly opt out of their presence for the foreseeable future, including weddings and funerals, if need be. But it would be obnoxious to do that today.

You sound like a right pain, and a drama queen. You say you don't want the night to be about you but its already all about you, isn't it! Making a drama about not going is making it about you. Show some manners and go, order a fish dish , eat the sides and leave the fish with absolutely no comment to anyone.
if you are going to make a stand on food choices like this you need to find a way to still have some manners and social skills!!!!

I can see you are not, nor have ever been a vegetarian. A true veggie cannot have meat or fish touch their own food.

Watch a veggie at a BBQ and see how they fare for instance. It isn't a matter of just leaving the animal on the plate and not saying anything, the problem comes when the animal has touched the veg, rice, potatoes, fruit etc.

Ahhh okies, I will let my veggie friend know that in future all cooked meat and fish is okay to touch her food when she has a meal here.

It all depends on how strong a veggie you are I guess.

btw the OP being a veggie is nothing to do with her religion.

gmallan

Eat dinner before you go and just order a dessert. Surely they can't put fish in the desserts

FlaxMilk

The reason I don't think it's rude is the last minute invitation. The vegetarian aspect would be rude or not rude based on your reasons. I do think you can find sides or dessert to eat that would be ok. But I'd be reluctant to go to a fish restaurant because the smell really bothers me, even before becoming a vegetarian. I'd go for a special enough occasion, but I'd be secretly really happy to get a last minute invite to have a reason to say no.

It's in no way orthorexic for a vegetarian to not want an animal product touching their food. Orthorexia hasn't even been recognized officially, but even if it were, a vegetarian not wanting animal products touching her food is not clinically significant impairment. Some are really grossed out by it, and some actually get indigestion from animal products. There's no way to control everything, but a vegetarian can control whether or not they eat something fried in the same oil as fish or cooked on the same grill as fish. If I went to a fish restaurant, I'd probably just get coffee since it's unlikely desserts would be vegan.

Doodlewhopper

<<<<<< Something to think about....

VioletNightshade

<<<<<< Something to think about....

... I don't eat grass? Actually, if you want to go there, it's the cattle who will eventually be eating that grass, so that cow is doing its business on its own food, which will eventually nourish itself, which you will then eat, so... by extension, that cow is doing its business on your food... not mine...

But nice try :P

cebreisch

I think it's reasonable to be hesitant because you're unsure if there's going to be anything available that you can eat. I think it's not so much being rude (maybe a little selfish) to not go because you're tired of having to explain your dietary choices to people - particularly if it's a special occasion or something special is going to happen during some part of the dinner.

You can never escape people with their own opinions on what other people should do. It just is what it is.

laughingdani

I doubt the conversation would be THAT extreme.

But you choose your own battles.

It seems like you already have your mind made up.

PS- I live in a beach community where we have seafood restaurants galore.
They all serve salad or veggies or both. AND here's the kicker.... I never get weird looks when ordering them.

junejadesky

Yes you are being rude... evidently the world revolves around you and your food choices.

Suck it up... eat before OR trust that they have sides to eat.

CollieFit

No you're not being rude. If anything you're conflict avoidant. IMHO you shouldn't feel obliged to put yourself through this.

Can you not make up some prior engagement or other commitment you couldn't possibly get out of?

aggieanne04

If you don't go, just call or text your uncle. I would probably say that I appreciate being included and that I just can't make it tonight but I look forward to meeting his girlfriend's family in the future. Easy peasy.

junejadesky

No you're not being rude. If anything you're conflict avoidant. IMHO you shouldn't feel obliged to put yourself through this.

Can you not make up some prior engagement or other commitment you couldn't possibly get out of?

Great idea... complete avoidance and lying oy vey....