Things people say when you lose weight
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Today, someone who hasn't seen me for at least 6 months said, "Wow! Your a whole new person! I'm so happy for you!" And I got a sweater from one and she bought me a medium! Which should be perfect, right now.11
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So as I was heading out of my gym's locker room to go try some walking a couple of weeks ago, a lady passed me and told me that she lost 110 pounds, so if she could do it, I could too... about made me want to leave the gym and not even try, honestly.
I get that it was almost assuredly meant as encouragement, but she didn't know me at all and there was no context to build the comment on. I guess if nothing else I learned how not to talk to people if/when I'm successful (at least not without some sort of foundation/context to build upon).15 -
The last time I lost a lot of weight, NOBODY said anything. Not a single peep. It was really discouraging and made me question if I actually looked any better, or if it was all in my head. I started getting lax because it seemed like apparently there was no difference in my appearance anyway. I take the blame for gaining the weight back, but the fact that nobody noticed was definitely a contributing factor! Now at least I know going into it that's likely to happen (maybe people are just too afraid to make any comments, even positive ones, now) and that I can't expect compliments as fuel.
I started in January of 2020. I remember being super miffed that my pants finally fit in March of 2020, and then I had nowhere to wear them b/c of lockdowns. Unlike most people, I found weight loss easier during covid lockdowns. I had much less stress, and my two biggest stumbling blocks are a) social situations and b) getting stressed at work and picking up something I shouldn't be eating on the way home. With lockdowns, neither of those were happening, and I had nothing to do but focus on weight loss.
By June, I'd gone from a super tight/barely fitting 18 to a loose 16. Finally got out into some social situations. Nobody said anything. By the end of summer, I literally had to go buy a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I found I was a size 12-14 then. I was finally going back to work in person and assumed everyone would be complimenting how much better I looked. Nope. Literally not one single peep, from anyone in my life. Needless to say those size 12-14 pants didn't last long at all. At least I won't be surprised this time.10 -
I love it; am 67 years old and most people make me pull out my driver license to prove my age. What I do know I don't have the healthy problems most of my family have today and I am the oldest of all my brothers and sisters.10
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The best comments are about what I do at the gym and about my fashion style.
I hate everything else. I hate "you must have so much more energy", I hate "omg you look so good" (never got those comments at this weight when I was gaining), I hate "I see you lost weight, wow". I like my body, I liked it when I was at my heaviest and I'll like it when I lose more. I never had any weight-related health issues. With the exception of the pandemic and healing from a traffic accident, I've always been active and sporty. My weightloss is a side effect from exercising the way I want to be and being unable to keep up food-wise. I wouldn't mind not losing any further, but I can't eat that amount so unless my exercise goes way down this is my new reality and that's okay. I just don't want people to let me know they notice.
I get that some people need others to notice but I don't want to hear anything from anyone. There are a few comments from a few (types of) people I will tolerate but it kills my self-esteem to hear any of these and I really don't have much self-esteem to begin with.5 -
I feel you! That's totally inappropriate from a complete stranger.MelodiousMermaid wrote: »So as I was heading out of my gym's locker room to go try some walking a couple of weeks ago, a lady passed me and told me that she lost 110 pounds, so if she could do it, I could too... about made me want to leave the gym and not even try, honestly.
I get that it was almost assuredly meant as encouragement, but she didn't know me at all and there was no context to build the comment on. I guess if nothing else I learned how not to talk to people if/when I'm successful (at least not without some sort of foundation/context to build upon).
I remember the first time I went to my gym, I met a friend of a friend in the locker room before class. I don't remember the exact conversation but I made a comment about hopefully losing some weight and she informed me that I would also need to eat better. (Oh, really? I had NO idea. 🙄) I still see her all the time, and I still don't care for her.9 -
Unsolicited advice is more about the needs of the giver than the receiver. I don't need compliments to fill me UP. I don't need their judgments either. It's simply the way others experience us. I don't let judgments or compliments move me. I don't live or die by opinions about my weight or anything else.
If you enjoy the compliments, be prepared for when they stop. Others will get used to the way you look and won't notice the weight loss. They'll just see you.5 -
swimmchick87 wrote: »
By June, I'd gone from a super tight/barely fitting 18 to a loose 16. Finally got out into some social situations. Nobody said anything. By the end of summer, I literally had to go buy a new wardrobe because nothing fit. I found I was a size 12-14 then. I was finally going back to work in person and assumed everyone would be complimenting how much better I looked. Nope. Literally not one single peep, from anyone in my life. Needless to say those size 12-14 pants didn't last long at all. At least I won't be surprised this time.
I think you are right that some people are just afraid to say anything, positive or negative, about a person's weight. That may also vary based on their perception (whether it's accurate or not) about how easily offended the person they are talking to is.
I was another person who had an easier time losing during Covid, like you it was a lower stress environment. I didn't have to go out but was able to keep working and that was really nice. I also didn't have the constant offerings of tasty baked goods from well meaning colleagues.
With my massive weight loss (around 100 pounds and I'm small framed) I have had some people be very open about it and other people be very timid and apologetic about noticing. I'm very open about my loss and usually say "I might be a little different but I personally can talk all day about this, I don't mind" just so they know that their questions or comments didn't offend me. That way I also cover other folks who really hate talking about it, because I know not everybody likes to.
Ultimately you lose weight for yourself - would it help to think about how much better you feel and how you can do more things without getting tired? Maybe some internal motivation might help you maintain your losses in the absence of positive feedback from friends and coworkers. Hang in there!
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At a burger place the other day, a woman told me and my daughter she loved how "colorful" we looked, and how we weren't afraid to be ourselves (I was wearing a bright orange tshirt, and my kid a rainbow tie-dye dress.) I'm still 200+pounds. My kid is 300+. We both know she was commenting on our "courage" being visible while fat, but we didn't mind. I can sure see how someone might, though! We took it as kindly as it was meant, but wow. Not cool.
Vaguely related, I've taken to telling people when I want to hear nice things. Like making my kid look at my cheekbones (who knew I had those??) or announcing to appropriate people that they may tell me how good I look or compliment how hard I'm working at this. I like choosing when and who may say anything (though obviously I can't control random strangers.)5 -
sargemarcori wrote: »At a burger place the other day, a woman told me and my daughter she loved how "colorful" we looked, and how we weren't afraid to be ourselves (I was wearing a bright orange tshirt, and my kid a rainbow tie-dye dress.) I'm still 200+pounds. My kid is 300+. We both know she was commenting on our "courage" being visible while fat, but we didn't mind. I can sure see how someone might, though! We took it as kindly as it was meant, but wow. Not cool.
Vaguely related, I've taken to telling people when I want to hear nice things. Like making my kid look at my cheekbones (who knew I had those??) or announcing to appropriate people that they may tell me how good I look or compliment how hard I'm working at this. I like choosing when and who may say anything (though obviously I can't control random strangers.)
I have a very "colorful" friend. She wears super fun leggings and brightly colored shirts. I find her brave being fun and cheerful. She wears stuff that I would not wear. My pants are mostly black or jeans! She's normal body weight. Is it possible you were hearing something she wasn't saying? She never said the courage was about your weight. Something my colorful friend taught me and says frequently is, "always assume good intentions." I'd bet a dollar your weight had nothing to do with her comment.9 -
People do find weird things brave, like wearing red lipstick. I'm more scared of nude shades than reds.
But fat people also get told REALLY often how brave they are for going out looking like that, for wearing shorts, for wearing colour. Maybe we think people wearing bright colours are brave but there's extra stigma, extra negativity, extra expectation on fat people to be as invisible as possible and hate their own bodies as much as possible so of course it's unusual when they don't wear all black. At least in these people's minds. I fully understand the wariness hearing this.
Good intentions are lovely and everyone should have them but results and consequences matter more. Not to get too off topic but this is why so many white people don't get that they're racist because they mean well. Maybe that person had good intentions and maybe they're wonderful but they said something fatphobic and potentially hurtful. Tired of good intentions being valued more than the impact of people's actions. There's a reason they pave the road to hell, you know?5 -
sargemarcori wrote: »At a burger place the other day, a woman told me and my daughter she loved how "colorful" we looked, and how we weren't afraid to be ourselves (I was wearing a bright orange tshirt, and my kid a rainbow tie-dye dress.) I'm still 200+pounds. My kid is 300+. We both know she was commenting on our "courage" being visible while fat, but we didn't mind. I can sure see how someone might, though! We took it as kindly as it was meant, but wow. Not cool.
I've had more than one person tell me they admire my "confidence" and that they love my clothes- while also making comments about how they need to quit wearing all black (and typically, people who say this are much, much thinner than me). I know it's intended to be a compliment, but it's super backhanded.
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"You look great"
"You look amazing"
Compliments on legs/butt.
"Careful, you're gonna disapear"
"That looks amazing on you!" When I wore something I hadn't worn in a while.
I haven't had any huge transformations. I'm on round 7 of losing the baby weight.
10 or even 5 years ago people would give compliments and comments of encouragement, with an occasional bit of snark from jerks. Now it seems like everyone has been shamed into silence and they pretend not to notice.
It's great people are trying to be sensitive, but I'd honestly prefer 9 compliments and 1 stupid remark over the silence. For me, words of affirmation are a big deal.
That said, I once read somewhere than even being 10 pounds overweight people will start to see discrimination. I had never noticed that, but sure enough, after each baby, when I get back into a healthy weight I see a change in how I'm treated. Men go out of their way to open doors twice as often. That sounds like a silly thing, but it feels like a compliment.
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I would have said, "Yes, I'm sick of being fat!" 😆maronesax1972 wrote: »Someone asked me if I was sick.
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bemorestubborn wrote: »
I would have said, "Yes, I'm sick of being fat!" 😆maronesax1972 wrote: »Someone asked me if I was sick.
"Yes, I am sick since I'm fat, obesity is a chronic disease."2 -
It's interesting for me. I'm a nutritionist and co-workers were noticing my slow fat loss over a 5 month period. When asked what I did, I said I started tracking for awareness (I was trying to improve liver health by keeping fat calories around 33% daily. I was not even focused on weight. A whole new world opened up as I learned more about my habits (which were healthy anyway - but the quantity was an issue).
A very overweight person once told me after she lost weight how everyone said "Oh you lost weight and look so great" which she interpreted as she must have looked really bad before. Since then, I always comment on someone's weight loss something like this "You look different - more energetic, keep up the good work improving your lifestyle" Take the focus off weight.7 -
I really disliked “ keep up the good work”. It meant to me “ you need to do more”. Yuck.8
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The most impactful comment I've received came from my health care provider. I went to my annual and she looked at me and simply said "Are you proud of yourself? You should be because you've accomplished an incredible thing."
I carry that statement with me on the days when I feel like what I've accomplished is not enough, the days when I still see the unhappy person who sidestepped out of the frame when someone went to take a picture.
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Addressing someone’s weight can be uncomfortable. It’s personal. I saw someone a few months ago (before I started my weight loss efforts) who I had not seen for a few months and who obviously dropped a lot of weight. I simply told her it was good to see her again and she looked great. I left it there. Maybe I could have handled it differently.
Now that I am losing I don’t really know how I would like people to respond. Talking about my extra fat or loss of it isn’t a conversation I want to have with acquaintances. I think I prefer not to have things said. But I don’t enjoy compliments after a new haircut. So it may just be me liking to fly under the radar. Close family is different. I appreciate their support.5 -
I appreciated when a coworker (nurse) asked if it was intentional. Practical, caring question.
I don’t much like the “you look great” comments as it implies that I (and anyone else who has been overweight) used to look awful. I prefer when people ask if I’m happy with where I’m at etc.
The funniest one: I told a friend I’d lost 60 lb and her response was “oh no, it was way more than that.” First, I’m pretty clear on the amount and next, how bloody big do you think I was?!
My absolute favourite was when someone was surprised to hear I’d lost weight. Sounds crazy I know, but this dear friend is pretty oblivious to the unimportant stuff. To her I was still the same.3 -
smartpig1960 wrote: »I don’t much like the “you look great” comments as it implies that I (and anyone else who has been overweight) used to look awful. I prefer when people ask if I’m happy with where I’m at etc.
I suppose everyone is different. To me a “You look great” after not seeing each other for a while is a general compliment and in no way implies the person used to look awful. When someone told me my hair looked great after I got a haircut I didn’t take it to mean it used to look awful. I personally would not like being asked questions about my feelings about where I am at in regards to weight. This is probably why many people avoid the subject all around. Everyone is different.8 -
Annie42019 wrote: »I really disliked “ keep up the good work”. It meant to me “ you need to do more”. Yuck.
that is one way to see it. When I get this comment, I finish it in my head with "bc this is a lifelong change FOR my life."3 -
I’ve been getting a lot of, “wow, you’re looking slim/skinny.” It’s always by people who mean well and give me a big smile and kudos. I’m pretty vocal about my journey and experiences, so I don’t mind at all. I work in healthcare and have tons of conversations with coworkers about the health aspects and details of the process. One coworker called me her “inspiration to work out and drink more water” which was flattering. I’m happy to be a positive influence.
At my last family gathering in May, folks I hadn’t seen in months or years were pulling my husband aside and asking about my weight loss. I guess they were afraid to ask me directly, although when one got brave and spoke up, I made sure to let her know it was not an off-limits subject and chatted about it happily.
My hubby used to say nothing about the way I looked except for the occasional compliment when I got dolled up. Now he keeps talking about how fit I am and points out when he can see new muscles on me. He has been hitting the gym hard himself and recently started using MFP to do a cut. I am proud of him and grateful to have a partner who not only supports me, but has embraced a healthy lifestyle with me.15 -
Your too skinny you need to eat more
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The support of my coworkers. All noticing the change and encouraging me to continue until I reach my goal!
How are you doing it? You look great.
(Down 44 lbs)10 -
Since I usually only have 10-15 pounds to drop each time I undertake this effort, most people think I look fine just the way I am and say as much. I find this super frustrating, so I have learned to simply not tell people I’m trying to lose.
Yes this. I am thin and small-boned by nature. But my knees give me trouble when I get over a certain weight. There is also a weight range at which I feel my best and fit into my clothing well, so that's why I sometimes lose weight--if I have crept out of that range due to not paying attention for a while. I just started back up again right now and probably only want to lose 5 lbs...10 at the most. But someone just the other day said "you look SO fit and thin" so I felt sort of like an *kitten* for wanting to lose some weight! Still, it's a personal decision and it's not like they're in my closet seeing how the clothing fits. (I happened to be wearing something flattering at the time that flowed all over the only place where I gain weight--hips/thighs/butt.)7 -
1BlueAurora wrote: »
Weirdest: "You've lost weight. Is that intentional?" Friend has a look of grave concern, then asks if I'm battling cancer. I reassure her that I'm healthy, go out for a run, and wonder whether I look ill to everyone around me.
I got that one as well from a co-worker. She meant it kindly and I think she didn't want to congratulate me if I was actually ill. So I assured her it was intentional and she was positive. To her credit, I was at my smallest at the time.8 -
I've gotten "you're melting away" a few times which feels amazing to hear.8
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I've been getting this one lately............."how much more do you want to lose?" When I say another 30 pounds--and the response is..." oh no, that's too much. you are going to look too thin"..... Next time I am going to ask...How do you know?7
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"You look like a completely different person!"
Well my face is about the same, if you'd ever looked at it, and I'm actually the same person just a little smaller.
I don't define myself by my weight, but I know now that you do.
[Holding hands wide apart] "You used to be this wide!"
Wow, I didn't realize you were behind me with your measuring tape.
"You've lost a lot of weight!"
Yes, I've lost 65 pounds.
"Good! Now keep it up!"
Uh, you aren't the boss of my body, I am.
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