Guys/Girls: What is your real opinion on..
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KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
Easy to say once it is appropriate (for either party...and that could mean different timing for different people).
I've said it in here before I think, but love is a verb to me. So it's more important to show it from the outset though.0 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
Because of STDs.
Why would I want someone kissing on and dipping in other things then coming home to me. 🤮
And you can ( well I can) “feel” when someone is physically someone else’s. Like the way they kiss.
Like one of my first boyfriends used to cheat on me and then he would come back to me and his sexual vibe was all different like he was set up for her then had to adjust back to me- it’s just a weird vibe. I can’t explain it
This.0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.2 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.
Yes, agreed: people change and evolve. Yet this is why genuine communication - not only during courtship but throughout a relationship - is key. And some conversation topics may be gone over 18 times, 180 times, or more. I'm of the belief partners have to be "checked in" with one another or else someone "checks out."
The latter scenario may be the best option in some cases...maybe even this specific open relationship.
Still, I'd rather have made an attempt to proactively maintain a valued partnership with my loved one through two-way, honest, and mutually beneficial chats rather than attempting to salvage a wreck after being "blindsided."0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
I would imagine a lot of people go into marriage with lofty ideals of what marriage would be. And further down the line one of them gets the idea of wanting to do this. I can see why it wouldn’t be discussed perhaps years to decades earlier as people change. Not saying people should or shouldn’t do it. Just saying I can see why it’s not discussed and how one could be blindsided.
Yes, agreed: people change and evolve. Yet this is why genuine communication - not only during courtship but throughout a relationship - is key. And some conversation topics may be gone over 18 times, 180 times, or more. I'm of the belief partners have to be "checked in" with one another or else someone "checks out."
The latter scenario may be the best option in some cases...maybe even this specific open relationship.
Still, I'd rather have made an attempt to proactively maintain a valued partnership with my loved one through two-way, honest, and mutually beneficial chats rather than attempting to salvage a wreck after being "blindsided."
100%. It’s definitely better to have a bunch of “small” conversations rather than this huge bombshell dropped all at once. In my mind the bombshell is dropped as a last ditch effort to say....”this isn’t working but I’m too scared to end it”......imo, from my perspective.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
There currently is no follow up to this.
From the few conversations I've had with her, the relationship has been in turmoil for quite some time now. I'm beginning to think this may have been said out of anger or frustration with the current state of their marriage, but I don't want to assume anything further.
I'll update if there's any further discussion regarding the matter.
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.
There currently is no follow up to this.
From the few conversations I've had with her, the relationship has been in turmoil for quite some time now. I'm beginning to think this may have been said out of anger or frustration with the current state of their marriage, but I don't want to assume anything further.
I'll update if there's any further discussion regarding the matter.
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
I have a (bad?) habit of interpreting what’s said to me rather than taking words literally. I think it’s probably smarter to ask for clarification or to just ride it out and let the actions clarify.1 -
"slessofme wrote: »
This makes me wonder if she was really blindsided or if there had been mention of it previously and she didn't pick up on it.
Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
I've been married for nearly 14 years at this point and while in the beginning, I would say I was very fiery and always interjecting meaning into my partner's words that weren't there, as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at really hearing what he's saying.
It helps to know that he really is pretty direct. What he says is exactly what he means. There are no hidden meanings, no subtle jibes or insults. However, due to previous relationships, upbringing, etc. it took awhile to "unlearn" my defensive behavior and to really hear him out.
The only time I find this difficult still is when we are discussing current events/politics, particularly if the issue revolves around abuse, rape, women's issues, etc. I still feel he has a long way to understanding where many women are coming from because it's not an experience he will ever have. And yes, I will probably always be defensive in this regard because of past trauma/issues. And that's not his fault. It's just something I must continue to work on.
Usually, in those cases though, I just directly ask him questions about his meaning. It usually resolves on its own once I open up that conversation. I can't say it's the same the other way around. I still feel like he barely hears what I'm saying most of the time. That could be me, though.
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Here's one that's related: Do you (general) feel like you really hear and comprehend what a partner is saying. To get their meaning or intent, instead of yours?
As a single lady of a certain age, I've started really paying attention to what is said to me and taking things in very literally. With that said, men of a certain age are still stuck in the "tell them what you have been told they want to hear" mindset so I automatically discount or dial back the meaning of anything positive or future building.
The SO not only tells me what he thinks I want to hear, he will withhold information if he thinks it would "upset" me, even when it directly concerns me and not him. Note that I am not a person who screams and yells and smashes crockery when "upset" so I'm not sure what possible motive could be behind this, other than control.
I am clear and direct. I say what I mean. He is the one who looks for the most negative hidden interpretation and throws it back at me as "what you really mean". It's infuriating (but still not worth smashing the crockery).
Needless to say, communication is not our strong suit.1 -
Dh and I don't communicate well either. Our styles are so very different. He feels the need to share his own experiences and compare them, or feels he has to offer advice. Sometimes I just want to hear 'I'm sorry, what can I do to help' that sort of thing. And being on the receiving end of his conversation....well conversation doesn't run deep from him. It's usually work, weather, politics. I'm sure he's got deeper thoughts in there but they don't make it to the outside very often. But then I guess mine don't either.
We don't seem to discuss things that matter. But when I volley back from his conversation it's usually with questions or just an oh ok type of reply because he's always over-shared the topic. 
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Just a PSA......some people think THIS
when you say THAT.4 -
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Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Just a PSA......some people think THIS
when you say THAT.
Is this specifically for romantic love? I can feel this/say this to someone I deeply care for, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm "in" love with them. Kwim?
I like the sentiment...I'd just remove the "needing" part. That's just me tho 😊
Yea, I'd nix that whole last sentence.2 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Just a PSA......some people think THIS
when you say THAT.
Is this specifically for romantic love? I can feel this/say this to someone I deeply care for, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm "in" love with them. Kwim?
I like the sentiment...I'd just remove the "needing" part. That's just me tho 😊
Yea, I'd nix that whole last sentence.
Too too much
For sure. I agree. I NEVER EVER want to be in the position to need someone again. Not in that way. But....I’ve kind of made this weird deal with myself that when a sappy quote or meme shows up that touches me, I make myself share it with someone or somewhere. Not all of them but certain ones. I just think people should be careful with their words. And they should realize that when you say deep and lovely things such as “I love you”......people with pure hearts believe that *kitten*. And it’s really not something to play around with. I don’t agree with it 100% but the sentiment.2 -
Guys/Girls
Do you send selfies to your significant other? How often do you do it? Do you expect a compliment back?1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Just a PSA......some people think THIS
when you say THAT.
Is this specifically for romantic love? I can feel this/say this to someone I deeply care for, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm "in" love with them. Kwim?
I like the sentiment...I'd just remove the "needing" part. That's just me tho 😊
Yea, I'd nix that whole last sentence.
Too too much
For sure. I agree. I NEVER EVER want to be in the position to need someone again. Not in that way. But....I’ve kind of made this weird deal with myself that when a sappy quote or meme shows up that touches me, I make myself share it with someone or somewhere. Not all of them but certain ones. I just think people should be careful with their words. And they should realize that when you say deep and lovely things such as “I love you”......people with pure hearts believe that *kitten*. And it’s really not something to play around with. I don’t agree with it 100% but the sentiment.
My feeling is this - people may not often tell you how they feel about you, they'll show you. Trust ones actions. Words are only words, and feelings are often fleeting. A lot of times someone will tell you what they think you want to hear.
Thank you for sharing ☺️
100%. Sometimes I’m slow on the uptake but I’m trying to learn.1 -
_sw33tp3a_11 wrote: »Guys/Girls
Do you send selfies to your significant other? How often do you do it? Do you expect a compliment back?
If they seem into it I do (surprised?😂) If they said nothing at all I wouldn’t keep sending them. I’d feel funny and like maybe it was unwanted. I don’t need any over the top compliments all the time but if I’m sending special “for your eyes only” stuff I would need positive feedback to know I’m not making a fool of myself. And I would love reciprocation.
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_sw33tp3a_11 wrote: »Guys/Girls
Do you send selfies to your significant other? How often do you do it? Do you expect a compliment back?
Not really, unless he has a request 🙊 we facetime most of the time when we talk.
Eta: and yes, damn right here better compliment me if I send him one 😆1
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