Wrong answers ONLY!

frankwbrown

Your subconscious mind is smarter than you are. Your subconscious mind thinks, "Why the hell do we want to wake up early on a work day? Let's wake up early on days we can have fun, so we have even more time in which to have fun." Of course, your subconscious mind doesn't have the same concerns about job security that you might have. It thinks there's plenty of jobs to be had, but there's only a limited amount of time in which to have fun. I'd say, push the envelope as far as you can, listening to your subconscious mind.

I just ate about twice (or maybe thrice) the amount of ice cream I normally have (which is still less than I used to have before getting the crazy idea that I should try to stay healthy and get in better shape). Is there maybe an ice cream diet I could try, that still allows me to burn fat, build muscle, and smile contentedly? (I'd happily forego fruit and vegetables for such a diet.)

nossmf

corinasue1143 wrote: »

Why is it so hot?!? 20 days over 100. Cooler today cause it rained last night, but 95 and 95% humidity is still HOT!

Hot is a state of mind. The same temperature is considered differently based upon where you're from. According to author John Gray, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. With an average temperature of -81 on Mars, most men are justified in saying 95 is blazing hot! By contrast, Venus has an average temperature of 847 degrees, so women should be feeling absolutely frigid. Where did you say you're from, by the way?

frankwbrown wrote: »

Is there maybe an ice cream diet I could try, that still allows me to burn fat, build muscle, and smile contentedly? (I'd happily forego fruit and vegetables for such a diet.)

Building a diet around ice cream is all about making sure the toppings conform to the food pyramid. Ice cream itself takes care of the dairy food group, while a banana split adds fruit. Vitamin-packed veggies are very colorful, as are sprinkles, so that's good enough I reckon. Peanuts are part of the meat/nuts protein portion. This just leaves grains, such as crumbled graham crackers. Voila! A hot fudge banana split with peanuts, graham cracker crumbles and sprinkles meets all your food pyramid requirements, therefore meets all nutritional requirements in a single bowl. I recommend three of these meals per day, and you'll be sure to smile contentedly!

*****

My wife has a doctor's appointment tomorrow as a follow-up to her early-July surgery. Why does it take weeks to get an appointment to see a doctor, but if your kid is sent to the principal's office they expect you the parent to arrive TODAY for a meeting with them?

Mama_Jones5

Probably because you are long winded with the doctor (like this post) and when the principal hears how long winded you are, they will never have your child in the office again!
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cat0703a

Because he heard that’s where the all the chicks are.

There is a bear in my neighbourhood this week. What should I do if I encounter it?

frankwbrown

Say "Hey, hey, hey!" and ask him, "Are you smarter than the av-er-age bear?", then share a "pic-a-nic basket" with him.
(And ask him if he's a yoga master or if that's just a coincidence)

How fast should I try to do my 10k trail run tomorrow? (It might help to know the steepest slope is 23%)

nossmf

Since it's already in the past, I'm gonna assume you did the downhill portion faster than the uphill portion. That's completely opposite what you should aim for. Treat your run like your dinner...race through the unpleasant portion (peas, run uphill) and take your time to enjoy the good parts (dessert, downhill). The idea that you can race reckless downhill simply because it takes less energy is defeatist talk sabotaging your enjoyment of the process by making it pass too swiftly.

How do you disagree with an anonymous online poster who calls you names like "long-winded" in a manner displaying the proper amount of respect?

paperpudding

You should absolutely and irrevocably explain, in detailed terms, how you are not in fact long winded at all but there are certain intangible concepts which require, at a bare minimum, some degree of explanation of the finer points and these must then be clarified to avoid any misunderstandings and later unforeseen repercussions on the part of either party, that is to mean either the poster or the reader, especially as one never knows on an international forum like this one, since people all over the world can use the internet these days, and not everyone has the same level of education or literacy or indeed has the same mother tongue, or parent tongue if one wants to use non gender specific term, as is the politically correct thing to do in this modern era.

Or just say Am Not! So there!


Why has my coffee gone cold while I typed that sentence?

nossmf

Two immediate theories come to mind. First, your typing skills consist of hunt-and-peck, one finger at a time style, to which I recommend taking a typing class. Second, your coffee was actually already cold before you began typing that sentence, because you bought an iced-coffee. See, you were trying to trick me, I'm onto you and your schemes. I is too smart to fall for that!

The NFL season is going to start again soon. My wife always complains that I spend too much time watching football, where I wish I could watch MORE games each week. How can we avoid this perennial argument this year?

cmsienk

You could buy hardwood flooring for the entire house and put her in charge of the project. It'll probably take her most of the (American) football season to install it.

Why can I never think of a good question?

frankwbrown

Because you know all the answers. People who know all the answers have difficulty coming up with questions. They assume, wrongly, that everyone else also knows all the answers, so there's little point in asking a question. Of course, I don't mean there's no point in asking questions about trivial stuff, like "What's the square root of pi?", or "What is the airspeed of a fully laden swallow?", or "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?". Just think of something trivial and you're halfway there.

Why aren't pies square instead of round?

paperpudding

Now this must be a trick question - I have certainly seen many square pies in Australia.. That's not even a wrong answer - example below




I think Frank's question should be Why doesnt the rest of the world have square pies like Australia?

cmsienk

You are right and Frank's assumption was indeed wrong. Everyone knows that pie r squared. 😉

What's the best way to discourage a wasp from making a nest in your deck?

Cat0703a

Here in Canada we place little signs around the area we don’t want them that politely ask them not to build here. Some of the more aggressive signs say “buzz off”.

What are interviewers really looking to hear when they ask “why do you want to work for us”?

SunflowerQueen36

Cause it's all about the Benjamins BABY!!!!

What does it mean when someone says "it's not you, its me"?

nossmf

It means they've been rehearsing in front of the mirror for so long, they have lost the ability to determine if they are talking to a reflection or a real human being. Eventually they begin to argue with the mirror, falsely believing it's being obstinate by not talking back. Once the level of frustration reaches a tipping point, they throw their hands into the air and begin walking around, mumbling to themselves the last part of their one-sided conversations. If they happen to run into a real person during this state of self-delusion, they can appear to be talking to you, when in reality they're still trying to talk to their mirror-self.

If a mirror image is supposed to be a perfect duplicate of you, how come my mirror image uses his left hand to brush his teeth, when I'm using my right hand?

frankwbrown

They're admitting they passed gas, and they're owning up to the fact that they are the odiferous one. You should applaud them for their honesty, but at a distance.
Blasted lag!

Your mirror image only appears to be using the opposite hand. But it is in fact not a mirror image at all, but your alternate self in an alternate universe, and the mirror acts as a window between the two worlds, reversing the image in the process. Don't worry about it, unless the hand reaches out toward you, then be worried.

Why isn't Australia doing more to promote the baking of square pies? Wouldn't this enable @cmsienk to open a bakery called "Pie R Squared" ®️? When will they be getting a round toit?
(addendum: bonus question: where is my sport watch?)

nossmf

When the Australian government was established, one of the founding principles was that all commercial advertisement distributed beyond the country's borders was mandated to focus exclusively on kangaroos, koalas and Hugh Jackman. (Advertisement within borders is the same as anywhere else.) Consequently, if you want to see commercials or billboards featuring square pies, you have to travel to Australia. Otherwise, you're limited to word-of-mouth advertising, but beware, Australian cyber police have begun cracking down on unauthorized transmissions. Simply sending or receiving an internet article, post or email which includes the word "Australia" but is missing one of the three key terms listed above is punishable by up to three seconds of incarceration in the ultra-secret "Time-Out Room." Rumors exist that this room is plastered with 3-D images of kangaroos racing towards you that are so realistic you may actually look a second time just to be sure they're posters and not the real thing.

*** Editor's note: your sport watch was an Australian export product which, due to a clerical oversight, failed to feature an image of a kangaroo, koala or Hugh Jackman. It is right now locked in quarantine until such time it spontaneously generates an image of one of the three officially licensed and government-approved export protocols. ***

Why is pizza sometimes sold by the slice instead of the entire circle all at once? I never see a hamburger sold one quarter at a time; what makes pizza different?

paperpudding

Now there's a market for somebody- square pizzas! - even in Australia, land of the square pie, pizzas are still round.

But they are sometimes sold by the slice because people want a small serve of healthy salad - and everyone knows pizzas are just croutons, tomatoes, cheese and vegetables - hence salad in disguise.

Nobody thinks a hamburger is a salad

Why are they called hamburgers when they contain no ham?
I heard a rumour that is because they originated in Hamsburg - but I think that is just a cover up for the real reason.

nossmf

You may be too young to remember, but decades ago the great investigative reporter Ronald McDonald went on a mission to determine why all the cowiches (cow sandwiches) were disappearing. He searched high and low (not easy to do for somebody so tall) until he accidentally witnessed a theft in progress. Turns out the cowiches were being confiscated by a burglar who mistakenly believed they were in fact made out of pig. Good old Ronald made a citizen's arrest on the thief, turning him over to authorities while his cameraman got a closeup of him saying, "I've found the ham burglar, officer." But the microphone had a slight glitch, so people watching the television news coverage mistakenly thought he'd said, "I've found the hamburger." People were so happy to have their favorite sandwich back that they conducted a vote in the next election, opting almost unanimously to rename the cowich as hamburger forever after. As a reward to their savior Ronald, they presented him with a lifetime supply of hamburgers. Unfortunately, poor Ronald McDonald was allergic, as proven by how his skin turned white and lips red after the first bite.

Today I left the house 10 minutes early for work, but arrived a half hour early. Where did the extra time come from?

s1im62

A poorly documented aspect of all modern time pieces is that they run faster the closer they get to the time of your deadline. It is true that it used to be that "time flies while you're having fun", but because of the modern time keeping technology it is now true that "time flies when you're late". When you leave early, you do not actually arrive quicker, the clocks are just running slower, so you get there much earlier.

Now that I'm married, I seem to be spending money at 5x the rate of when I was single. With 2x people you might think it would be 2x the spending, but that is not right. Why do the numbers come out this way?