Wrong answers ONLY!

nossmf

A well-documented aspect of marriage is that spending tends to follow an exponential rate of growth rather than a multiplicative. In other words, it's not 2x1, but rather 2 to the 2nd power, or 4. (The same principle applies when you have kids, so by the time you have 4 kids plus a spouse you're now spending 2^5 times as much money as when you were single.) Now the reason you are noticing a 5x rate rather than the predicted 4x rate is a sure sign of a pending addition to the family, so your wife is likely pregnant and it's already affecting her spending portion. By the time the new one arrives, spending will have finished the increase from 2^2=4 to 2^3=8 times single prices. Congratulations! Something to look forward to.

The usual rule is dogs chase and attack cats, yet my dogs all seem to get along well with my cats. Do I have weird dogs, or do I misunderstand the rule?

frankwbrown

You've heard of "wolves in sheep's clothing"? Well, your dogs are cats in dogs' clothing! They get along with cats because they are cats... cool cats. I imagine they get along with dogs too, but that's because dogs, while very smart, aren't smart enough to see through their deception. You haven't been feeding them dog food all this time, have you?

After not only plateauing, weight-wise, for months, I actually started gaining during the last three weeks prior to this week. But I've lost nearly 6 pounds in the last 5 days! At that rate, I will disappear in less than eight seven months! What should I do to ensure that doesn't happen? (need I mention that I am a big fan of Haagen Dazs and Talenti ice creams?)

nossmf

If you're losing too many pounds too quickly, you need to change your bathroom scale to one measuring kilograms. You won't lose any more pounds after that.

I'm serving Thanksgiving dinner tonight...turkey, potatoes, stuffing...but it's only August. Is that weird?

paperpudding

I think that is very weird - but that because I am in Australia and we don't do Thanksgiving at all.
But Christmas in July does seem to have become a thing here in last few years - so I guess all places are weird in their own way.

Or perhaps you are following the Julian calendar or the Mayan one or the Aztec one or the Chinese one and one of those has now as being equivalent to Gregorian calendar's November.
Could you perhaps adjust to being same as rest of western world and adopt the Gregorian calendar which most of us have been using since 1582.


Is anywhere selling easter eggs now?

nossmf

I would avoid buying Easter eggs right now if I were you. Even though boiling the egg before painting it helps it stay fresh longer, it's a bit risky to bite into one which was prepared several months ago. You may come down with a case of salmonella, tunaella, pufferfishella, or some other equally fishy disease.

I work in a cubicle farm, and the guy in the next row has, how can I say this delicately, questionable taste in music. This doesn't seem to bother anybody else but me. What should I do about this?

frankwbrown

Purchase some Fart Spray (if necessary), so you can emit an obnoxious odor. Tell him you apologize but his music gives you gas. Then, pray that he doesn't like the smell of the Fart Spray, because then he'll play his music louder and more often, if that's possible!

(Incidentally, I just had a few eggs from a still half full jar of Cadbury Mini Eggs, and they don't taste fishy at all.)

When is too much too much vs not enough?

nossmf

According to the Midget Wrestling Federation of America scorecard, the match between "Too much too much" facing off against "Not Enough" is scheduled to take place next February 30 on pay-per-view. You can pre-order the fight now for only $19.95.

Why is it the days you are busiest at work you feel like you actually accomplished the least amount of actual work done?

frankwbrown

It's been a long time since I did an honest day's work, but as best I can recall, the answer is in the type of work being done. When you are your busiest at work, it's because you're doing busy work, and everyone knows busy work doesn't really accomplish anything. Kick back and relax, and you'll get a lot more done.

Where did the summer go? And why didn't it take the heat with it?

cmsienk

Summer is away, visiting her boyfriend in Canada, and she didn't take "the heat" with her because she's trying to avoid the cops right now.

The company that owns the Hard Rock Hotel recently bought out the Mirage (in Las Vegas) and they haven't decided what to do with the popular dolphin habitat and Secret Garden attractions. If they decide to change things up, what's a good suggestion for an equally fun replacement?

nossmf

I've actually been there, so obviously my answer will be LESS grounded in reality than somebody who's never been. (It's a paradox which fuels most political commentators to sound so confident when talking about a subject of which they know nothing about.) But in my less-than-humble opinion, if the current ownership wants to do something different from the old ownership, why not go all the way by making their new attractions the diametric opposite of the old. The opposite of cute and lovable dolphins is the fearsome and ferocious toddler who is up past his nap time. How better to encourage young families to come to Vegas than for the parents to drop (literally, from a height) their kids into this ready-made concrete labyrinth while they go hit the tables and shows. While mommy and daddy are away, the kids can wander to their hearts' content. I estimate an area which used to hold millions of gallons of water aught to be able to hold a few hundred kids with room to spare. For those visitors to Vegas who want to experience a dangerous racing thrill, they can pay a surcharge to be outfitted in the latest technologically sophisticated self-protection equipment (aka an apron) and lowered down in pairs into the midst of this sea of toddlers holding a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies in one hand, an extra-large mug of scalding coffee in the other, and asked to try to navigate from one end to the other in the shortest time, with penalties applied for every cookie dropped and every ounce of coffee splashed out of the cup.

Does anybody have a suggestion for replacing the Secret Garden?

FabulousFantasticFifty

I actually do have an idea on how to do this, however I can't tell you because it's a secret! 🙊

My husband's big golden 50 birthday is coming up here in a few and I haven't made any plans for him, any ideas?

nossmf

Considering the average life expectancy of cavemen was only 35, the fact your husband will soon reach 50 is simply astounding! You need to throw him a caveman party to celebrate reaching this amazing milestone. Typical games include lighting fires using only stones (steel wasn't invented yet), using a large wooden club to fend off sabretooth tigers (you can ask the local zoo to borrow their Siberian tiger as a suitable substitute), and dragging their chosen spouses by the hair back to their cave to prepare a meal of rock soup. (You haven't cut your hair short, have you?) Don't forget to attire your husband in a bear-skin onesie and encourage all communication on the day to be limited to grunts and "ughs."

The NFL season kicks off tomorrow. I want to throw a party to celebrate, but am tired of the usual pizza and wings. What else can we serve to make our guests never forget our party?

cmsienk

May I suggest your entire spread be assorted Reese's products? I hear they are a favorite (favourite for our Canadian friends) of the host.

You can even spring for this for dessert:

I worked with one client this week (Client A) and am flying out to Vegas for their job on Friday. I was supposed to have tomorrow off, so I invited my dad over for dinner to celebrate his birthday. This afternoon a second client (Client-B) emailed me and asked if I could do a job between 3:30 and 5 tomorrow. What? Get paid a full day for 90 minutes of work? Of course I said yes. One hour later, Client A asked me if I could work tomorrow afternoon. How can I be in both places at once and still get home in time to make dinner for my dad?

nossmf

In reading your response written yesterday (Wednesday) while talking about "tomorrow" (Thursday), yet it's Thursday as I'm reading/responding, I felt like I was in some kind of temporal whirlpool. That's when it hit me, the solution to your problem, as provided to us by that greatest of all philosophers, Douglas Adams, author of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Are you ready for the answer? Here it is: 42. That's THE answer. For everything.

During tonight's football game, I'm trying to decide for whom to cheer. Neither team is my favorite team; neither team is a division rival of my favorite team; neither team is the Patriots, a team I will forever boo against. How do I decide whom to favor tonight? And if I can't decide, then where do I direct my cheering?

beyond_the_cities

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corinasue1143

Cheer for your wife. Go all out. I guarantee you will get the best results!

What does everyone else think you should do?

cmsienk

corinasue1143 wrote: »

What does everyone else think you should do?

The answer is 42 - of course. That means tonight you should direct your cheering at the Rams' Matthew Orzech. This is a no-brainer because the Bills don't currently have a number 42; the last player to wear that illustrious number was Patrick DiMarco and he hasn't played for them since 2019.

Why do building engineers insist on keeping conference room temperatures at the arctic level?

frankwbrown

Engineers are only doing the bidding of conference organizers. Conference organizers want the conference rooms chilly in an effort to prevent attendees falling asleep during the meeting. Sadly, this seldom works, because no matter how energizing the meeting, there is always someone who will find it boring and sleep-inducing.

Speaking of sleep-inducing, I've been to seminars where the speaker speaks in a slow monotone voice. I find it challenging to stay alert and attentive during these seminars, especially over the snoring of nearby attendees who have drifted off. Why do they do this?

amydvd77

Kale Chips

What is your dream job?

beyond_the_cities

professional sleeper

how many 'i's are in mississippi?