Wrong answers ONLY!

s1im62

The answer is actually right there in your question, where you included the phrase "supposed to make life better". Exercise causes pain. Avoiding delicious food and drink causes grief. Abstaining from all kinds of pleasures is a form of self-torture. Not making life better. No way. Aside from a few masochist types who get pleasure from being tortured, most people realize quite quickly that the changes that are "supposed to make life better" actually make life more than a bit shi##y, and so these normal, rational, mentally healthy folks revert back to enjoying all those things that actually DO make life better!!

Why is it considered good policy for the government to spend trillions of dollars more than they collect in revenues, but bad for the rest of us to spend more than our bank account balance and credit card limits?

nossmf

A trillion dollars is simply too big for most people to fully appreciate. Don't look at the big picture, let's break it down to something to which we can all relate. A trillion dollars divided by 332 million people (current population of the United States) divided by 365 days is only $8 per person per day. That's nothing...most people are more than willing to "waste" a measly $8 per day on coffee and a breakfast donut. The government is doing nothing more than what the average citizen is doing.

I took a 3-week break from lifting weights to end 2022, between taking time for holidays and to heal some minor nagging injuries. Working out used to make me feel awesome after, but now I'm stiff and sore. What changed?

frankwbrown

Global warming has caused an expansion of the Earth's mass, making it less dense. The Earth, in an effort to reverse this effect, has increased its gravitational pull proportionally. That may seem counterintuitive and even nonsensical, but hey, that's science. So, your weights are in fact heavier than they used to be. You can maintain the same muscle mass by simply reducing your weight load. However, since this increasing gravitational pull will likely continue for some time, it's advisable to begin now to build even stronger muscles. I recommend you continue with your current weights or even increase the load as a proactive measure, to stay ahead of the curve.

It's a new year and so, it's an opportunity to try something different, since what I tried last year didn't work so well. I'm talking about diet. I get plenty of exercise, and I tried to eat sensibly last year. Nevertheless, I ended the year a full four pounds heavier than I started (I've wondered if it's got something to do with global warming). In any case, I need a simple surefire diet plan that is easy, cheap, nutritious, delicious and effective. Any suggestions?

s1im62

Your diet plan's qualities can be cheap, nutritious, or effective. But you can pick only two of these qualities (easy or delicious are not compatible qualities for every combination unfortunately). Sawdust is cheap and effective. Peanut butter is cheap and nutritious. Caviar is nutritious and effective. Take your pick!

My wife has very high blood pressure and is a salt addict. What alternatives to salt are most likely to taste good to her, but not raise her blood pressure by making her mad at me for suggesting she make a change to her diet?

cmsienk

The obvious answer is to switch out her salt with sugar. Salt and sugar look the same; she won't notice the difference at all.

I've been roped into helping cut and stack firewood tomorrow. While this is great exercise, after 20 minutes it begins to feel like drudgery. Is there anything I can do to speed the process up so it feels like the job is moving along faster?

s1im62

Singing sea shanties is a sure way to solve your problem. Start singing at the beginning of the wood cutting and stacking, and in under 20 minutes everyone will be happy to let you go back to the house and watch funny pet videos for the rest of the day.

YouTube and similar Internet video sites have allowed many talented artists to make a good living by doing what they love to do. Sadly, these people used to be the people who needed money enough to do the drudgery jobs we all depend on to keep the lights on and the water systems operating. Thus prices for electric service and water are skyrocketing, leaving some consumers having to make the terrible choice between paying for heat and water versus Internet. So which of these utilities is more important, heat and water, or Internet?

nossmf

It's a common misconception that these are separate utilities. Point of fact is the internet can do everything! (Just ask Bill Gates.) If you're cold, the internet has videos of crackling fireplaces you can pull up on your screen to rub your hands next to. If you're thirsty, the web is the answer...after all, it's called "surfing the web" and everybody knows surfing requires huge bodies of water. In case you doubt my assertion, go ahead and cancel your internet subscription and see how satisfied you are with just heat and water. I will wait right here for you to post your rebuttal.

My eldest son just proposed to his girlfriend; my second son is in Army basic training; my eldest daughter is applying to colleges. They're all growing up so fast, soon it'll just be me, my wife and our youngest daughter. How can we convince her to stop growing up and remain our child for a while longer?

s1im62

All children say they want to grow up and become adults, but they often fail to understand the down sides of adulthood. Start a regular regimen of films about the horrors of life as an adult.
"The Money Pit", provides a useful lesson about being a homeowner, and is a good starting point.
Then follow up with something related to her work interests. For instance, if she wants to be an author, have a marathon session of watching "Misery" for 48 hours straight. Repeat weekly for three months.
By then you'll find she won't even want to leave the house, much less go out into the world on her own! 😱
A monthly maintenance dose of disaster films like "The Towering Inferno" or "Earthquake" will keep her home 24/7.

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Trust in government institutions seems to hit new lows with each new poll taken. How can we fix this ongoing erosion of public trust?

nossmf

The problem with government institutions is they are run by politicians, whom everybody have grown to despise. The solution is to instead hand over the responsibilities of these institutions to somebody whom everybody loves: telemarketers. Think about it: who doesn't race to the phone during dinner, just on the off chance you get to talk to one of these fine folk? And considering how many people entrust their credit card numbers with them, they obviously are very trustworthy. So, how do we begin the social movement towards placing these valuable people into positions of power? I suggest sitting outside of your preferred grocery store, asking fellow shoppers to sign a petition to add telemarketers to the next election cycle ballot. Within just a few years, we're sure to have completely replaced all politicians with telemarketers. Imagine how well-run the world will be then!

*****

In this digital age, I can file my taxes online, attend school and church online, order my groceries online to be delivered, work up a sweat exercising to online videos...honestly, there's zero reason to ever leave the house. Except work; my archaic boss still requires me to be at work in person. How can I convince my boss to join the 21st century and allow us to work from home full time?

frankwbrown

You just need to provide a disincentive for him to continue having you work at the office. I would suggest doing one or more of the following: release a swarm of killer bees at the office, start a fire that sets off the sprinklers and floods the place, invite a band of gypsies to set up camp there, etc.
Let your imagination run wild and you'll come up with lots of other possibilities.

I've had five house guests all week and it's really cramping my style when it comes to getting enough exercise. How long will it take me to get back to where I was last week fitness wise? How many days of recovery will I need for each day they were here?

nossmf

You're missing out on a golden opportunity to have your house guests assist you in maintaining your fitness. Inform your guests that starting immediately until they leave, every day they will be your gym. Invite the kids to sit on your feet with arms and legs wrapped around your calves to provide resistance as you walk around. Any guest caught napping will be subject to you picking up, throwing across your shoulders fireman-carry, and racing up and down sets of stairs. You'll get plenty of cardio by raiding their suitcases, grabbing a set of intimates, and wave them in the air while your guest chases you down the street. Whether these alternative exercises maintain your fitness so long as they remain, or encourage them to leave early to allow you to return to your normal routine, it's a clear win-win.

My son and I often compete for the same leftovers to take to work for lunch; the "loser" has to make a sandwich, the "winner" gets to reheat a tasty meal. How can I increase my chances of eating a hot, tasty meal each day?

frankwbrown

Here's several methods for achieving your goal:

• Set aside your "leftovers" before you serve a meal.
• Cook only meals your son doesn't like.
• Make a new rule that whoever takes the leftovers fixes the next meal.
• Suggest that he find a nice little place of his own.

I am curious about a new movie titled "Everything Everywhere All at Once". I'm wondering just how is that possible? I'm assuming it will explain some new breakthrough in New Physics. Can anyone give me a brief synopsis?

Cat0703a

It’s about clones, billions of them…one assigned to each human alive. It’s kind of stretching the “everywhere” part but if a clone is on its own does it really exist?? The cool part is it’s real. We’ve already received our clones here in Canada and you’ll probably get yours in the next week or two.

Now that my clone is going to work for me tomorrow, what shall I do besides watch trashy shows on Netflix?

nossmf

You're sending your clone to work without you? By your own words in the previous paragraph, a clone on its own doesn't exist, meaning your boss will know you are playing hooky. You need to go with the clone to work to ensure it actually arrives there. But since there's only enough work for one person, I guess your question of what to do besides watching Netflix remains valid, just as long as it's done at work and not at home. I suggest taking advantage of your clone's presence by following your clone, at a discreet distance and delayed by several seconds, mimicking all actions/words of the clone. As in if the clone pats a coworker's shoulder while passing in the hallway, a few seconds later you'll do the same; wash your hands in the bathroom seconds after the clone's finished, striking up the same conversation with other patrons; go through the company chow line a second time to get a second serving. Make sure you and your clone are wearing identical outfits with identical hair styles, but give your coworkers a chance to realize which is the real you by filling your coffee cup with dark roast coffee, unlike the normal roast your clone drinks.

Late last year the motor on my garage door broke down, meaning my wife and I parked on the street or driveway while we waited for the garage door company to receive parts needed to fix things up. While we waited, our empty garage filled with junk from around the house. Just a couple days ago we got the door fixed, and my wife's back to parking inside the garage at night, but all the junk prevents me from parking on my side, leaving me to park outside overnight during the coldest, snowiest winter in several years, scraping my windshield each morning. This entire situation is untenable, but what can I do about it? (True story, btw.)

Cat0703a

Argh, why is my clone touching work people??? 😖

No time to answer your question; I must get better reign on my clone now. Can someone else please respond to @nossmf?

paperpudding

nosf - answer is simple - just swap the things around - put your junk out on the street and your car back in the garage
Maybe some will get stolen or towed away by authorities - bonus - problem of hoarding junk solved as well!

But how to find the extra money to cover littering fines?

cmsienk

@nossmf can SELL the junk to his son, who's moving out because he no longer gets to eat leftovers.

Why do paint manufacturers have ridiculous names for paint like "baby egg shells"?

nossmf

Those names are only ridiculous if you are unaware of their origins. The paint manufacturing industry is ruthlessly competitive, with all the good colors having been trademarked years ago. The paint bosses do not accept excuses for not producing paint, however, so over the years the poor paint makers have found inspiration in desperation, throwing anything and everything into white paint to "see what sticks" so to speak. Literally. Your example of "baby egg shells" was a case where a maker found the shells of recently hatched chicks and threw them into his paint can to see the result and sell his quota for the quarter. You can probably guess what was added to plain white paint to produce some other "original" colors, such as:

Careless Whispers
Dead Salmon
Elephant Breath

...and my personal favorite, Newborn Baby.

I'm still struggling to get my second novel worthy of submitting to (and getting rejected by) a publisher. Yet in my wife's favorite TV show, one character wrote a novel and got published within 24 hours, despite including passages which would make my deceased English-teacher-grandmother spin in her grave. Why is it so much easier for this character to get published than for me?

Cat0703a

Well it’s obviously because you aren’t TV famous yet. So we need to get you on the boob tube. Reality shows are popular…how are you at surviving in the wilderness with nothing but a deck of cards and a piece of bubble gum? Or accepting roses from desperate women? Or ummm predicting weather with 40-47% accuracy? The unfortunate part is you’re vocabulary is going to decline rapidly during all of these encounters but that’s the price to pay for overnight publishing deals. 🤷‍♀️

My teen is deciding his career path and he’s quite set on going into law enforcement. This scares my mama heart because I want him to be safe. What alternate careers shall I suggest to him that will keep him out of harm’s way?

[ETA: I have great respect for this profession and will not actually talk him out of it other than in my mind ☺️]

nossmf

(Editor's note: my uncle was LAPD for 25 years, and I enrolled in the police academy before my current desk job opening came along, so my response below is intended as completely tongue-in-cheek.)

Police officers place themselves in the line of danger every day, it's amazing any of them come home after days spent writing speeding tickets, eating donuts and escorting little old ladies across hazardous intersections. Much better to encourage your teen to consider something safer, such as crash test dummy, underwater welder, or the guy on the golf driving range collecting balls to return to the tees.

My favorite sports team just hired a new head coach, giving hope for a successful season to come. But we hired a new coach prior to last season, hoped for success, experienced disappointment. How do I keep my hopes from getting so high again and risk being crushed?