Intimacy Schedule
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.
I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).
Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?
again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.
No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.
Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.
I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.
Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.
I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.
According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.
So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.
The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....
Non sequitur. I said most.
MOST people believe CICO is what controls weight, but SOME dont. OP might need 5hrs or 12 hrs. So, it does follow your statement. Only op knows how much she needs. Honestly op needs to decide what she wants and quit asking strangers on a forum on ways to FIx her sex life.... j.s.3 -
psychod787 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.
I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).
Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?
again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.
No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.
Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.
I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.
Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.
I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.
According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.
So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.
The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....
Non sequitur. I said most.
MOST people believe CICO is what controls weight, but SOME dont. OP might need 5hrs or 12 hrs. So, it does follow your statement. Only op knows how much she needs. Honestly op needs to decide what she wants and quit asking strangers on a forum on ways to FIx her sex life.... j.s.
**edit** do nothing... nothing changes. Do something and things may change. That's it. That simple.3 -
If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got..
I mean, either way OP is going to have to change something in order to get her sleep. She either changes her "time management", or she changes by putting her foot down and not acquiescing to her partner's late night "needs' anymore.3 -
The OP hasn’t returned unfortunately. Perhaps we should take this as a polite stfu for now? I know she asked, but sometimes we need to respect space when it's implied.
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psychod787 wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »psychod787 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.
I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).
Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?
again you seem to be implying it is her who needs to change - her time management that needs improving.
No I dont think the question is How can she make all the sacrifices to suit him? - or at least it shouldnt be.
Compromise and both peoples needs being considered equally - I didnt think that was a women's lib issue, (or at least was a very basic one that we had long moved past) - just a basic relationship premise.
I've had some time to read the rest of the thread more thoroughly, so I see more of why you feel that the husband is the one who needs to change. Maybe. We haven't heard his side of the story.
Something certainly should change. If she's not going to be firm about her unwillingness to meet his time schedule, there's no reason to continue to do it without the full night of sleep. If she WANTS to keep cleaning the kitchen and cleaning the skidmarks from his underwear, too - she could shift that to the morning, since she's not going back to sleep, anyway. If she doesn't want to be saddled with all those traditional women's chores, she should speak up about that, too. But just to be clear, I do see that as a separate issue from trying to figure out how to keep him satisfied while still getting a good night's sleep.
I'm female and agree that this might be able to be solved from a time management issue as well. I had been wondering why she couldn't just go to bed earlier and assumed there was a reason for it. If it's just chores, sure, those could be moved to the morning.
According to medical professionals, most people need 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. If he's waking her up at 3:30 a.m., she would need to go to bed between 6:30 and 8:30 p.m. My impression is she's working a normal day-shift schedule. Back when we were all commuting, lots of people I know were not even home by 6:30 p.m. For best sleep, it's generally recommended that you have about an hour without a lot of activity or screen time before sleep. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of her situation, but she has specifically said that exercising in the morning does not work for her. So that's pushing her back two hours from whenever she gets home before going to bed.
So her husband is asking her to either do without a full night of rest, or to move her exercise to the morning when that doesn't work for her.
The amount of sleep needed is very individual. Some need 5-6 and do well. Others need 7 or more....
Non sequitur. I said most.
MOST people believe CICO is what controls weight, but SOME dont. OP might need 5hrs or 12 hrs. So, it does follow your statement. Only op knows how much she needs. Honestly op needs to decide what she wants and quit asking strangers on a forum on ways to FIx her sex life.... j.s.
**edit** do nothing... nothing changes. Do something and things may change. That's it. That simple.
Except that replies about time management were all focussing on what she should change to make it work for him.
Wrong focus .
How can we both compromise to make it work for both of us.
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What you allow is what will continue. Your needs are just as important as his, and getting enough sleep is really important for your health. I just wanted to share this link in case it helps you because this book helped me a great deal when i read it https://www.hubspot.com/sales/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people-summary So this is just a quick summary of some simple tips.0
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »autumnblade75 wrote: »Is there a reason you can't go to bed earlier so that you can wake early and still get enough sleep? I'll admit to skimming some of the responses, so I missed it if this was addressed.
I like this solution if it means she gets to stop doing all the other "good wife" stuff she probably does in the evening (preparing dinner, cleaning up the kitchen, maybe getting a load of laundry done, etc.) Finish work and head to bed (or drive home and head to bed if she's not #WorkingFromHome).
Is division of labor the question, or was it "How can I be intimate on his schedule, but not sleep deprived?" I know everyone here is tackling all the women's lib issues that they've inferred - but can we consider it simply from a time management perspective?
Getting woken up in the middle of the night is not a time-management issue. It's an issue of one partner thinking something they want (sex on their own schedule) is more important than something their partner needs (adequate sleep).
If I had a partner tell me that the reason I wasn't raring to go at 3:30 a.m. was because I had time-management issues, they would get one chance to find time in their schedule for counseling, and if they couldn't manage their time for that, they wouldn't be my partner any more.
He's not taking her seriously. The problem could lie in her ability to communicate OR his ability to receive information. Clear communication is a skill.
Over the decades, I have observed the women in my life IRL not communicating clearly with their partners or men in general who are annoying them, so my default position is that it is likely that the woman needs to improve her communication. (This does NOT apply to the many women on MFP who are clear communicators, like yourself.)
Based on her response on page 1, I do think her communication could be improved:Well it definitely looks like we've got some work to do. I have spoken to him about it in the past but it's always been taken lightly and pretty much laughed at. Kinda like it's a "good thing" I wake up cause I'm doing what needs to be done as a wife. Like "You are awesome!" type thing. Also, sometimes he says he noticed I looked peaceful in my sleep and he chose not to wake me. Like I should thank him or something. Yikes!
We do get a long really well & he's a great guy. I'm not just saying that either lol I see other relationships.
However, that is completely separate from this issue. I am sacrificing a lot here. I depend on coffee. I've known for a long time it affects me.
I am gonna talk to him again. It's been a while since I've seriously brought it up.
You all are great!!
And again, he could be narcissistic and unable to hear her, in which case it is a matter for counseling or more likely divorce.0 -
Forget the counseling. Been there done that. The counselor we went to was a nut job and messed with our heads. Never again!
Basically just talk to your partner and let him know hands off if I'm sleeping.
If he doesn't like it he will get over it...lol
If I woke my wife up for sex I would expect a not so pleasant experience...
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@xbowhunter There you go. With that kind of logic, I'm moving back home again. Hugs and kisses all around.
OP, if you're still out there and all of this has been too much, I'm sure they'd delete the thread rather than have you go anywhere. I'm just wondering where you are.1 -
xbowhunter wrote: »Forget the counseling. Been there done that. The counselor we went to was a nut job and messed with our heads. Never again!
Basically just talk to your partner and let him know hands off if I'm sleeping.
If he doesn't like it he will get over it...lol
If I woke my wife up for sex I would expect a not so pleasant experience...
There are some bad counselors out there, as well as counselors who are a great fit for some people and not for others. We have to use our own discernment to figure out someone we can have a productive relationship with and keep looking if we don't find a good first fit, but counseling can be a really helpful tool to improve relationships.1 -
Just waiting for the OP to come back and let us know how things are going.
I’m not a morning person either but if it were me I would just learn to get up at 3:30 am and do something useful with the extra time in my day, even if not working out. I can’t sleep through my husband getting up and ready anyway, it’s easier to be on the same schedule. OP has not mentioned what her own schedule is like apart from sex - job? Any particular hours?
Regardless of what she does, I agree that he needs to be told he isn’t entitled to sex whenever he wants it even if it’s wrecking her life. So he’s not a night person by preference, would that still be the case if the other option were doing without?1 -
@xbowhunter
'Basically just talk to your partner and let him know hands off if I'm sleeping.'
Simple and direct. We need to be treated as humans and not as a B & B. One out of two marriages hit the skids.0 -
Ummm doesn't he have a hand and some lube so he can not disturb her? Otherwise he can ask her to be intimate at a better time of day.0
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