When someone can't have kids

Achaila

According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

_noob_

if someone brought that up to me on a first date, then yes, that would be a dealbreaker

Cre8veLifeR

that's why he's a soon to be ex huh?

I have MANY friends who don't have kids and never did, by choice. Personally I divorced at age 38 with 2 kids, and neither my ex nor I wanted to have more with anyone else. We are both happily remarried to people who also don't want to have more kids. His new wife has one and my hubby never had any and is happy being a part time step dad. Meeting men was definitely not an issue.

Achaila

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

billsica

Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

_Krys10_

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

I think it should be brought up way before 6 months.

DashDeV

Depends how attractive they are.

rml_16

It would be a deal breaker if you dated a man who wanted children, obviously. But Many already have them and don't want more, others never wanted them and still others don't care.

As with anything else, it all comes down to the individual.

Cre8veLifeR

CAN'T have kids and don't want to are two entirely different things. If I physically could NOT, then it should definitely be brought up early on in the relationship so each person can decide what they want for their life.

Achaila

Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

rml_16

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

If you haven't discussed having children before six months, that isn't much of a relationship. It usually comes up pretty early on in one way or another.

Junken_Diraffe

Depends on age and whether the other person wants kids. I'm unable to have kids now, but I have 2. My boyfriend cannot have kids now, though he has 3. We are both very happy to have our own kids and don't want more.

Trechechus

I am Child-Free by Choice, and my boyfriend is cool with it. There is nothing wrong with not wanting more (or any) kids.

leonaedithlewis

According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

BTW - your soon to be Ex sounds like an *kitten*. At this point, his judgement about how you will do in future relationships (which is none of his business) is irrelevant.

tworthen79

Not having the ability to have children should be brought up long before 6-12 mos in. All that does is lead the other person on in thinking that there is a possibility of kids in the future. It also depends on the situation. You may find a man who already has children, been divorced, has a vasectomy and he can't have kids either.

But I wouldn't wait until a year in to it, to spring that type of information on someone.

pastryari

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

gringuitica

I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

That's ridiculous. There are plenty of men who do not want children of their own – or who have already had children or who will be happy being stepfather to your two children. That's the kind of man you will marry.

steve8a

there is always adoption as an option for couples that can not have kids of their own. I have several friends that have adopted.

StarChanger

I have a hubby that many women would LOVE to have (tall, built, employed, super-supportive, cooks, cleans, etc. He's not PERFECT, but he's pretty perfect for me!) and we DON'T have kids. He WANTED a woman who DIDN'T want kids (which is why he worked for me...among other things). Now, 17 years later....still going strong.

Your soon-to-be ex is an idiot. MANY men would love to have a woman who is not going to bring any more mouths to feed (obviously, you already have a couple...and he probably will too!).

And bottom line is that you CAN still have kids. You just need to get in vitro fertilization. Wouldn't cost you much more than a "tubal-reversal" (which often do NOT work...don't waste your money) but if you met the perfect guy and you both decided you really wanted more kids....you can still have them. There's nothing wrong with your uterus or ovaries....

mrsjones2point0

It should be brought up before being intimate with someone, right along with any birth control discussion you should be having.

That said: if a man truly loves you, that won't matter. . .he should be in it for you, not for your ability (or inability) to breed. Besides, do you really want to marry a man who won't love your children as his own? Any good man will love you for you, and won't care that you can't have more children. Of course, you will find that attitude more in your 30's than in your 20's.

Plus, you should always consider the fact that you may meet a man who already has children of his own, and won't want more as well!

Some_Watery_Tart

I think there are all kinds of people with all kinds of different preferences. It's important to know the preferences of the person you are dating before the relationship gets serious. But I wouldn't worry about what your ex says either. Just 'cause he couldn't hang...