When someone can't have kids
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Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?
Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?
I think it should be brought up way before 6 months.
^^^^^This....I am engaged and 41, and prior to meeting my fiance I would have never even thought of having another child(I have 3, he has 2), i haven't had my tubes tied, but he had a vasectomy, we have talked at great length about the possiblity of having it reversed, because, I think when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them. We talked about this before we got engaged, and we are seriously considering it. We figure if he does reverse it and it happens naturally then it was something that we were meant to share.0 -
*HI FIVES* for no more kids!!!
QFT0 -
Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.
I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:
Um duh. You have another man already. He's jealous, anything that comes from his mouth is invalid. Don't even bother yourself with pondering his thoughts.0 -
honey why are you listening to your ex? if you have been open and honest with the man you are dating its up to the both you if you want to marry or not! disregard him and his stone age ways.Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.
I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:0 -
Your ex is just throwing that at you like a rock and hoping it will hurt you. That is all he is doing. There are plenty of guys out there that do not want children or more children. There are those that already have one and an ex. You just do what you gotta do. But, on your new adventures with the guys....That kind of thing must be brought up once there is the hint of chemistry between you.0
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It is known.Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.
I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:
Um duh. You have another man already. He's jealous, anything that comes from his mouth is invalid. Don't even bother yourself with pondering his thoughts.0 -
and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.
This is true however, in her case, pregnancy is actually life-threatening. If a doctor ever tells you that you SHOULDN'T have any more kids, due to medical reasons, you should take that advice....it's never, ever given lightly.0 -
you made a smart decision to be there for the child you still have. so sorry for your loss.I have a hubby that many women would LOVE to have (tall, built, employed, super-supportive, cooks, cleans, etc. He's not PERFECT, but he's pretty perfect for me!) and we DON'T have kids. He WANTED a woman who DIDN'T want kids (which is why he worked for me...among other things). Now, 17 years later....still going strong.
Your soon-to-be ex is an idiot. MANY men would love to have a woman who is not going to bring any more mouths to feed (obviously, you already have a couple...and he probably will too!).
And bottom line is that you CAN still have kids. You just need to get in vitro fertilization. Wouldn't cost you much more than a "tubal-reversal" (which often do NOT work...don't waste your money) but if you met the perfect guy and you both decided you really wanted more kids....you can still have them. There's nothing wrong with your uterus or ovaries....
There is something wrong with my uterus and cervix, that is why I chose to get my tubes tied. I'm great at getting pregnant, but not good at being pregnant. I had 3 classical c-sections in less than 3 years (classical means that I was cut from belly button to crotch). My first one was with twins who were born 17 weeks too early because I have an incompetent cervix and my water broke. They ended up dying at 1 and 2 days old. My 2nd one was 11 months after my 1st one and I had my son at 34 weeks because of preeclampsia and HELLP. Then my 3rd was 22 months later and my uterus ruptured. It literally split open and both my son and I almost died. When I got my last c-section I had plans to get my tubes tied which my entire pregnancy my doctor was against. When my uterine rupture happened he was like "Yeah, you can't do this anymore. Your body cannot handle being pregnant again."
All in all though, I'm pretty lucky to have found someone that doesn't mind that I made a responsible choice to end my baby making days!0 -
and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.
So?
Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.
You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.0 -
I do not think it would be hard for you to find a man that was at the point in his life he didn't want any more kids either. Either already has some or just never wanted any. During breakups people say things purely to hurt the other person.0
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Sorry, this is going to be really blunt, but **** him.
I'm not willing to have kids, and neither is my husband of 11 years. We got married really young, and hadn't had time to find out what exactly we wanted out of life, and thankfully we've discovered together that kids isn't part of what we do want.
Yes, you will have difficulty maintaining a relationship with someone who wants kids.
BUT
Those people are NOT for you. YOU only have ONE life, and if YOU do not DEEPLY want to kids, NO ONE should make you feel badly about that. If you are with someone who needs to shame you or coerce you into reproducing, then they are NOT who you need to be with.
There are a lot of people out there who are opting to go against the social and societal norm and not have children, and we apparently happen to be some of the first in this movement. But you are in no way obligated to contribute your 2.5 kids just because that's what everyone else is doing.
Be upfront with someone when you begin dating and let them know that kids aren't for you. If they can't deal, then move on. Don't feel badly.
ETA: Oh, wait, I thought this was a recent breakup, but you already have a new guy that is okay with all of this? Yeah, don't listen to the ex. Jesus. I don't even know why this is an issue, then. You're handling your business.0 -
there is always adoption as an option for couples that can not have kids of their own. I have several friends that have adopted.
^^This^^
When my now husband and I were dating, we discussed kids at about the 3 month mark, and planned to have children of our own, figuring 2-3 years after we were married. Sadly, less than a year after we were married, I began having infertility issues (fibroids, endometriosis, blocked tubes, twisted ovaries, adhesions that built up on organs), and 3 1/2 years after we said I do, I had a hysterectomy (after 5 prior surgeries to correct the problems I had). The following fall, we looked into adoption. Six years later, we brought home our daughter. We're currently in the process of hopefully adopting another child.
My point is, whether it's someone you just met or someone you've been with for a long time, if you decide to have any more children, adoption is a road you can go down.0 -
Sex outside of marriage is a sin.
Aw how sweet. Someone has their judgy pants on today.0 -
Due to a cancer scare several months ago I had to have my left fallopian tube and ovary removed. My chances of ever having a biological child of my own are very slim. I'm not ready to settle down and start dating anyone seriously yet, but should I ever get to that point I will probably stick with men whom are a little older with children of their own from previous relationships.
With that being said, I think your future ex is just being a douche.0 -
It depends on the guy, honestly. If they have never had kids, usually they want one, but not always. And if they already have kids, they usually don't want more.
I think you'll be alright. Your future ex-husband is a *kitten*!
Best of luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
To be honest
Some men dont care. But you already have 2 kids, so a man has to be ok with kids right off the bat which could lowers your options in your 20s.
it may just limit your field of men. Men who want kids of their own are in your age bracket right now.
There are men out there who would be happy just being a step father to your kids (if you plan to marry).0 -
I had a vasectomy, lets hook up.0
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All real men want children.
Wait. Maybe that's not right?
All real men don't want children.
Okay, maybe that's not right either?
Anyone know of a third choice that may put the OP's mind at rest?
*thinking is so hard*
Wait! Wait! I have it.
Different men want different things, maybe?
Naw, couldn't be . . .0 -
Just admit you're autobots and move on.All real men want children.
Wait. Maybe that's not right?
All real men don't want children.
Okay, maybe that's not right either?
Anyone know of a third choice that may put the OP's mind at rest?
*thinking is so hard*
Wait! Wait! I have it.
Different men want different things, maybe?
Naw, couldn't be . . .0 -
I think it depends on the guy. I have found that at my age, most guys already have kids of their own. So between mine, and theirs, there are more than enough to go around. My shop isn't officially closed, but I think that I am content with the three little ones I already have. Not saying that if I meet someone and settle down again, I wouldn't consider having one more, but it's unlikely.0
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and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.
So?
Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.
You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.
At 31 years of age I had a stroke-not from being overweight, not from smoking or any other unhealthy lifestyle choice it was from hormonal BC. That was the ONLY risk factor I had. Tubal ligation- YES PLEASE. There are risks involved with other forms of BC and it's not just black and white.0 -
I had a vasectomy, lets hook up.
haha me too bro! *high5 to blanks*0 -
Yep.and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.
So?
Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.
You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.
At 31 years of age I had a stroke-not from being overweight, not from smoking or any other unhealthy lifestyle choice it was from hormonal BC. That was the ONLY risk factor I had. Tubal ligation- YES PLEASE. There are risks involved with other forms of BC and it's not just black and white.
My former coworker's wife had a pill-related stroke when she was 19. It's rare and I thankfully never had those issues.
BUT ... the last two years I was on the pill, I was having two-week-long periods (no idea why). I switched to Mirena and it caused weight gain and made losing impossible. The non-hormonal IUD was not an option because of heavy periods.
I knew 10 years ago I was done having kids. My insurance covered my tubal and ablation (I was having gallbladder surgery, anyway, so I just did it all at once). I had gone back to the pill, but that was $7 a month even with insurance. I have a teeny, less-than-an-inch-long scar along the hairline down there and it's not even visible anymore (not even a year old) unless you REALLY look for it.
It was a good choice for me and I suspect for many other women for their own reasons.0 -
Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?
Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?
I'd be pissed they didn't tell me sooner if it was after six months of dating. That's kind of like lying to them the whole time.0 -
According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.
First of all I'm sorry, he sounds like a jerk. One of the funny things about people is we are so self centered that we think that all other people in the world think the same way we do. For example, your husband is not even considering the fact that SO MANY people do not even want to have kids, already have enough, or are perfectly content with the idea of being in a relationship with someone who already has children. Some people don't like kids at all. Some people say one is enough....You get the point.
But to answer the question, yes, the concept of children is a huge deal to me personally when considering a relationship or marriage. I really want to have kids, and my boyfriend does too. It is obviously important to have the same desires for your future and for your life in general. Some people just do not want to have kids, and that is fine. However, I do, and I would not waste a second of my time dating a man who did not ever want to have kids. Not worth my time or emotional investment or (god forbid) the trauma induced on a child we may accidentally have with a father who never wanted him/her in the first place.
ANYWAY. This thread struck me because I recently had a friend go through something similar....He dated a girl for FIVE YEARS of his life and one day they had a conversation where she stated she never wanted children, and they ended the relationship. It sucks but you cannot sacrifice your own wants, goals and desires in life for someone else's.0 -
If someone can't have kids and doesn't want to, then that's something that can be an understandable barrier to a relationship working.
if someone can't have kids but wants kids, then that shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Biological ties are overrated. Can't emphasize that enough.0 -
According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.
If they want to have kids, yes. I won't date a guy who wants kids in his future. I have 3 already... I really don't think I can provide for another the way I should. Plus, my oldest is almost 10 already... do I really want to have babies when I also have teenagers? Probably not! lol0 -
I married a man with 3 kids and he had custody. I knew going into the relationship (I was 21) that he had a vasectomy after his daughter was born and couldn't have any additional children. We have been together 29 years and married 24 of those. Do I regret not birthing my own children...NO. I helped him raise is 3, they were 11, 9, and 5 when we started dating. To me they are as much mine as his and they feel the same about me.
So, tell the soon to be ex he is SOOOOO wrong. A true man will love you and your children for who you are, not for what you can or can't give him.0 -
It's also normal not to. Just sayin'.when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them.0 -
I have actually witnessed a similar discussion with some of my husbands single friends. They were having a conversation about dating women that already have kids (my husbands friends kind of flock to our house so I am frequently the lone female). One of the first things one of them brought up was that a lot of women who already have kids are not looking to have more kids (whether they have made that permanent or not). Basicly, all the guys agree that one of first things they ask these ladies is if they are done having kids (this group of fellas ranges from 25-32). For some it was a deal breaker if the woman was done. But more of the guys agreed if they wanted kids and the woman has kids, then if things go right they just kinda become their kids too and they don't feel like they would need to have their 'own baby'.
I don't know if that is what men typically think, but there you go.0
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