When someone can't have kids

rml_16 · August 2013

That said: if a man truly loves you, that won't matter

So if a man wants children, there's something wrong with that? No doubt there are many men in the world who are happily childless, but a man shouldn't have to marry a woman who can't or doesn't want to have children to prove he's a good guy if HE wants them.

It's a legitimate reason to avoid or end a relationship. It's one of those deal-breaker things. I decided when my daughter was 10 that I was not going to have any more children and was certain of that. I would not have gotten seriously involved with a man who wanted to have children at that point. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us.

sizzle74 · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

_Waffle_ · August 2013

Just get some dogs like the gay couple across the street from me did. That seems to work for them.

dewsmom78 · August 2013

If you don't want anymore kids, then make sure you date someone who doesn't want more kids either. Simple as that.

pastryari · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

I'll pray for you both.

BrainyBurro · August 2013

Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

do you think your ex is giving you impartial advice?

if so, why exactly??

valanncamp · August 2013

According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

BTW - your soon to be Ex sounds like an *kitten*. At this point, his judgement about how you will do in future relationships (which is none of his business) is irrelevant.

I agree. You shouldn't listen to what your ex says about you. He doesn't want the best for you. You should listen to what the person in your life is saying.

sizzle74 · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

I'll pray for you both.

Can you add my husband in there? He's in the mortgage industry. Enough said. Thank you.

michael1976_ca · August 2013

your ex is wrong no one should marry just for kids. my dad was my step dad he did a great job

Achaila · August 2013

I have a hubby that many women would LOVE to have (tall, built, employed, super-supportive, cooks, cleans, etc. He's not PERFECT, but he's pretty perfect for me!) and we DON'T have kids. He WANTED a woman who DIDN'T want kids (which is why he worked for me...among other things). Now, 17 years later....still going strong.

Your soon-to-be ex is an idiot. MANY men would love to have a woman who is not going to bring any more mouths to feed (obviously, you already have a couple...and he probably will too!).

And bottom line is that you CAN still have kids. You just need to get in vitro fertilization. Wouldn't cost you much more than a "tubal-reversal" (which often do NOT work...don't waste your money) but if you met the perfect guy and you both decided you really wanted more kids....you can still have them. There's nothing wrong with your uterus or ovaries....

There is something wrong with my uterus and cervix, that is why I chose to get my tubes tied. I'm great at getting pregnant, but not good at being pregnant. I had 3 classical c-sections in less than 3 years (classical means that I was cut from belly button to crotch). My first one was with twins who were born 17 weeks too early because I have an incompetent cervix and my water broke. They ended up dying at 1 and 2 days old. My 2nd one was 11 months after my 1st one and I had my son at 34 weeks because of preeclampsia and HELLP. Then my 3rd was 22 months later and my uterus ruptured. It literally split open and both my son and I almost died. When I got my last c-section I had plans to get my tubes tied which my entire pregnancy my doctor was against. When my uterine rupture happened he was like "Yeah, you can't do this anymore. Your body cannot handle being pregnant again."

All in all though, I'm pretty lucky to have found someone that doesn't mind that I made a responsible choice to end my baby making days!

rml_16 · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

I'll pray for you both.

Can you add my husband in there? He's in the mortgage industry. Enough said. Thank you.

You probably really shouldn't be having sex outside of marriage, then.

Unless you have an understanding.

Alex_is_Hawks · August 2013

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

I'm 38 and I have had a tubal. My first pregnancy was very high risk and I was told to never do that again.

i took that seriously.

I was two dates into dating my current S/O (who is 31) and I thought exactly what you did. How do I tell him at 6 months in and potentially change what is a great thing.

So I told him then and there...i put it all out on the table, explaining that he was 31 and he may want kids down the line and I couldn't hide the fact that I couldn't anymore.

His response was "wow that's a lot to absorb."

many many painful minutes later...

"Are you open to other options should I choose to want kids later?"

I responded "yes" because really, I can't take away another persons right to love a child like I love my daughter...i just can't be the one to provide that child.

He said, "I'm not going anywhere."

it was a HUGE discussion to have only 2 dates into it, but I was really feeling this guy and he was really digging me....i couldn't risk it being a dealbreaker 6 months down the line. So I took a chance.

Nota Bene: He doesn't know if he wants children, but we are currently fact finding on surrogacy and adopting just so we have a timeline/costing factor should he change his mind. We don't want to get to 5 years down the line, him change his mind and then realise it's another 6 years on top of that in the system before we would have a child.

edited for spelling

JenAndSome · August 2013

For some people it would be a big deal, but obviously that just wouldn't be the person for you. My bf wants another kid and I don't. We don't have any together, but I already have 3 and I am also raising his son as my own. That's plenty. I don't care if he wants to try for a girl, I'm done and that is all. He still brings it up occasionally and I just tell him he can get a puppy. (But I'm lying. He can't have a puppy either.)

sizzle74 · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

I'll pray for you both.

Can you add my husband in there? He's in the mortgage industry. Enough said. Thank you.

You probably really shouldn't be having sex outside of marriage, then.

Unless you have an understanding.

Thank you for that bit of marital advice.

WalkingMermaid_ · August 2013

I had my son just before I turned 18 (I'm 30 now) and I was adamant that I would only have one child in my lifetime, and still feel exactly the same. Any future prospective partner would have to accept that or simply shut the door on their way out :drinker:

madworld1 · August 2013

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Maybe in your world. :flowerforyou:

My world would make her cry. A lot.

I'll pray for you both.

Please, don't waste your breath.

joyincincy · August 2013

LOL, the requirement for me was that he did not want to have kids! Seriously, I never wanted to have my own, ended up with 2 step sons that we have with us every summer which is awesome, but otherwise I am good to go and we have a great marriage. SOunds to me like you are getting out of one fracked up relationship!

ShaSimone · August 2013

So here's my experience....
I dated someone for a while that I knew had 4 children and didn't want anymore because he'd had that taken care of...so we dated.
But I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere because I don't have any children and still hope to have some even though I'm in my 30's.
Dated for a while but not anymore. SO I will not reject anyone that can't or doesn't want to have any/anymore but it depends on where the two individuals are in thier lives and if one person wants to have them they should not settle just to have someone. Thier life goals are not the same and I personally don't think it could work out.

adiostrasero · August 2013

Do you actually not want more kids, or do you just not want to be pregnant? If you wanted more kids, would you not consider adoption?

You might find someone in a situation similar to yours - has kids from a previous relationship but doesn't want more.

I want kids, so I would never date someone who didn't. But if he told me he couldn't have kids himself, but was open to adoption, that would be fine with me.

T0FatToB3S1ck · August 2013

I have my tubes tied as well. I'm curious to hear the responses. For me, the ability for the man to have children is not an issue. When my husband and I got together, he told me he could not have children because of issues with his sperm. We used no protection and I got pregnant 4 months later. After giving birth, I decided never to take that chance again and got my tubes tied. I have 4 children.

T0FatToB3S1ck · August 2013

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

That's something you should tell the person before you get to serious.

brandynot · August 2013

Most people don't choose to go live in a barren wasteland. When you do date, I would just make sure to bring it up, so there are no surprises.

I'm already dating someone who could not agree more with my choice to not have anymore kids because my reasoning behind it. But according to my ex, he will never marry me. :laugh:

Your ex is an idiot. As long as the person you are dating knows and has the same opinion on you having (or not having) more kids then who the f cares what your ex says. You certainly shouldn't. He is only saying it to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. It's verbal abuse and you should stop listening. If he doesnt have anything to say regarding the kids you currently have then he should keep his mouth shut.

Been there done that...its you and your future hubbys choice...end of story.

Calliope610 · August 2013

Considering your medical history (so to hear about your twins), any potential husband who can't understand your decision to have children needs to be dumped anyway.

But that being said, this is the kind of thing that needs to be discussed around the time casual dating crosses the line into "hey, he may be a keeper".

ETA: Your STB ex is just being a ****, trying to sow seeds of doubt in your mind. Time to use Round-up on those suckers, and him too.

StarChanger · August 2013

I have a hubby that many women would LOVE to have (tall, built, employed, super-supportive, cooks, cleans, etc. He's not PERFECT, but he's pretty perfect for me!) and we DON'T have kids. He WANTED a woman who DIDN'T want kids (which is why he worked for me...among other things). Now, 17 years later....still going strong.

Your soon-to-be ex is an idiot. MANY men would love to have a woman who is not going to bring any more mouths to feed (obviously, you already have a couple...and he probably will too!).

And bottom line is that you CAN still have kids. You just need to get in vitro fertilization. Wouldn't cost you much more than a "tubal-reversal" (which often do NOT work...don't waste your money) but if you met the perfect guy and you both decided you really wanted more kids....you can still have them. There's nothing wrong with your uterus or ovaries....

There is something wrong with my uterus and cervix, that is why I chose to get my tubes tied. I'm great at getting pregnant, but not good at being pregnant. I had 3 classical c-sections in less than 3 years (classical means that I was cut from belly button to crotch). My first one was with twins who were born 17 weeks too early because I have an incompetent cervix and my water broke. They ended up dying at 1 and 2 days old. My 2nd one was 11 months after my 1st one and I had my son at 34 weeks because of preeclampsia and HELLP. Then my 3rd was 22 months later and my uterus ruptured. It literally split open and both my son and I almost died. When I got my last c-section I had plans to get my tubes tied which my entire pregnancy my doctor was against. When my uterine rupture happened he was like "Yeah, you can't do this anymore. Your body cannot handle being pregnant again."

All in all though, I'm pretty lucky to have found someone that doesn't mind that I made a responsible choice to end my baby making days!

My mistake. I'm in the tubal-ligation business and the most common reason is "we don't want any more". You are one of the rarer folks that we ask NOT to have any more children. You definitely should NOT be trying to get pregnant again as, frankly, you were lucky to live through your uterine rupture.

That being said, my initial statement stands. There are PLENTY of good guys out there who will be perfectly fine with you not having more kids. Don't sweat it and quit listening to your ex. He's just trying to lower your self esteem.

alishacupcake · August 2013

I think being able to have more children and wanting to have more children are very different. Before I met my current SO I broke up with a guy because we discussed children very early on and he said he wanted more as did I but he then changed his mind. Which is his right but not where I am in my life. I am now currently about to marry my SO and we both want more children but he might not be able to medically. While I would never leave my SO because he cannot (if he cannot) I would think twice about staying with him if he didn't WANT more children but that is personal preference. I think all of this is irrelevant to OP because you obviously are with someone who wants the same thing that you do (no more kids) so don't worry about what your butt of an ex says.

HikerRR50 · August 2013

If it is a huge factor you could always adopt. or get a cat

darlilama · August 2013

My husband is actually the one who could no longer have children. He told me at the time we became intimate. I thought that was appropriate. For us, the relationship was obviously taking a serious turn and it needed to be out there. But, if he had told me on the first date... or anytime before it looked like the relationship was actually heading somewhere, I probably would have been thinking "TMI!" As it was, we were at the point of going somewhere, but weren't SO serious that I would have been crushed had I decided that I wanted to end the relationship because of that fact. Seemed appropriate to me!