When someone can't have kids

MelsAuntie

I made the decision when I started dating that I was going to be child-free. I told my fiance I'd marry him or live with him without marrying, didn't matter to me, but if he insisted on children, he was going to have to look elsewhere. He had a vasectomy the week after we married, if he hadn't I would have had a tubal ligation, and vasectomy was simpler. Both sets of parents thought I cheated him out of some wonderful thing. HE says that half an hour with his various nieces and nephews was enough to take care of any paternal yearnings he may have had. I've never had a second's regret. So, yes, a man wanting children would have been a deal breaker for me. I may have casually dated a wanna-be dad, but there would be no serious relationship other than friends.

MelsAuntie

when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them.

It's also normal not to. Just sayin'.

Exactly. There is no imperative to parenthood. I love my husband more than life, and I would never have had a child with him, or with anyone else.

pseudomuffin

My fiance is in his 40s, has no children and doesn't want any, either. So men that don't want children do exist, your ex is just being a jerk to try to get under your skin.

Pulka_Dot

Yes it is super important to me. I want kids and nothing will change that. It would not be fair for me to give that up because my spouse says he doesn't want them and vice versa. When we were dating, I told my husband that if he doesn't want kids, that's a deal breaker.

stumblinthrulife

There are plenty of guys in the world who never want to have kids. But with that said, people do change.

So I'd say you'll have no problem finding someone, but you do have an additional 'risk factor' of losing them again.

HideyoshiKinoshita

Well, I'm big on adoption so no this wouldn't break any deals for me.

BL_Coleman

I think it shoudl be discussed pretty quickkly just because life goals matter....I love my husband but if he were to decide that kids were out of the picture...he would have to be too...Its just what I want in life...

I also have a friend is who is dating a guy and they click because neither wants children...

It should be discussed before emotions play a part..otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other for "lying" about what you want in life

tlou5

I was not able to have children and my husband is still with me. There are always other options. Such as adoption which we did x2 and I can't imagine life without.

Nickle526

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

Belly-shirts outside of marriage are a sin.

rml_16

I have actually witnessed a similar discussion with some of my husbands single friends. They were having a conversation about dating women that already have kids (my husbands friends kind of flock to our house so I am frequently the lone female). One of the first things one of them brought up was that a lot of women who already have kids are not looking to have more kids (whether they have made that permanent or not). Basicly, all the guys agree that one of first things they ask these ladies is if they are done having kids (this group of fellas ranges from 25-32). For some it was a deal breaker if the woman was done. But more of the guys agreed if they wanted kids and the woman has kids, then if things go right they just kinda become their kids too and they don't feel like they would need to have their 'own baby'.

I don't know if that is what men typically think, but there you go.

In that age group, you are more likely to find men who do want children because many don't have them yet and haven't been married or anything. The older you get, the more likely you're going to find men who are divorced or widowed and either already have children or have decided they don't want them at all and it becomes less of an issue.

My SO has a daughter and a stepson he thinks of as his. I have a daughter. Neither of us wanted more, so it worked out. We were 28 and 32 when we met.

freddi11e

bumb because I can't have kids.

jdm_taco

never want them

Fiercely_Me

I was with someone who told me that they couldn't have children. And now I have a 6 month old! His condition did run in his family, and a couple of his uncles had to undergo surgery so that they could have children, so it's not like he made it up. (He was devastated by it). So, if someone told me they couldn't have children I would be looking at him very suspect..

I am happy with my son and I do not want to have anymore babies at all. My pregnancy was risky, and I feel like I would be taking a big chance going through it again. Also, there's always adoption. There are so many babies/children who are in the foster care system, and for that reason, I would be open to it.

So if a man told me he couldn't have/didn't want any more children, that's fine. If he already had children, fabulous! If I'm with a guy who has a problem with me not wanting to give birth to anymore children, him and his little kickstand can kick rocks!!

Trechechus

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

I can see that! Starts of slow, reaches a peak and then falls again. Mmmm. Yes. What amplitude are we talking here?

TheRealOrson

Well you'd go alright with me OP. I also have children and do not wish to have any more.

So if I were to get into another long-term relationship, someone who couldn't have kids would be perfectly suited.

faceoff4

In my opinion you love the person not their ability to have or not have kids. So to me it would be a non issue. If I cared for the person and we couldnt have kids but wanted, then we would take another route to get there. Love is more important that what a person can or cant do in this area. Just my thoughts.

snazzyjazzy21

I don't want kids but for some reason the men I meet always do. Seriously, what's with the urge to procreate?

michellemybelll

Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

LOL. we got a comedian on our hands.

i don't want kids ever. never really have. i have no problems letting that be known way up front. i also never want to get married. so i guess that eliminates any partners for me who may have a conflict of interest.

but if you do still desire marriage, i think honesty is probably the best policy. and most likely sooner rather than later.

ironanimal

Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

First part; I'd think it was very insensitive and deceptive not to bring that up prior, and it would be the end of it.

Second part; correct. Wouldn't be willing to even make an effort at a relationship.

I want to have kids of my own to clarify - later in life, if I'd already had them, the answer would be different.

darrensurrey

According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

I'm single and don't have kids so it's kinda relevant to me. If I met a woman who could not have children, then I'd consider adoption. Sure, it's not the same thing but if I'm in love with someone, I'm not going to let not having kids get in the way of true love. And the bonus is we'd make one or more existing children happy, too. And if she already has kids, well, I'd "adopt" them as my own. They all taste the same when you apply ketchup, anyway.

HMVOL7409

First your ex is an *kitten* and just saying things to hurt you. I never knew I couldn't have children until a year into dating my husband when my issues were diagnosed through surgery. I was 28, he 25, no kids between us, and he was in the room when I was told I either need to start trying now or in the next 3 yrs it'd be damn difficult/impossible. That was pretty hard to hear for a still dating couple who both always dreamed of kids. He knew the possibilities, but in the end it wasn't about that. We got married 2 yrs later, tried and never succeeded at getting pregnant even through using infertility treatments. In my depression with it I asked and gave him the out, but he never once thought about it. It is a deal breaker for some and agree feelings, issues need to be mentioned early on but I guess it comes down to what's more important. Yes as others mentioned, there's adoption but honestly even that's not for everyone.

teamAmelia

According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

Can't that be reversed?

You got your tubes tied, obviously because you don't want to have more kids. So, if someone doesn't want to be w someone who doesn't want more kids, how is that a problem for you? It seems like you're willing to have another baby (even though you obviously didn't want to when you got your tubes tied) so that you can have a man?

Wouldn't this be brought up at some point? I'm hoping that you'll be honest (I immediately thought of a soap opera when I read your post. lol). During the first date, wouldn't you talk about how many kids you have and ask if they want more kids? Why would you wait months to tell someone something like that? That's like waiting months to tell someone that you don't believe in God. That's kind of important. Someone mentioned not bringing it up right away, so that was primarily to them.

I guess that I don't understand why you care. If you don't want more kids, then you shouldn't change your mind just because the person you're with wants kids.

zedgt87

i'll tell you for me that would be a deal breaker because I want to have kids and its not a possible outcome with you

CollieFit

I never had kids by choice but it's never stopped me finding relationships with men who felt the same.

I think it's important to be upfront about these things sooner rather than later so there is no drama later on.

Plenty of fish in the sea. There will be plenty of guys who either don't want kids or already have their own from previous relationships like yourself. You'll have no problems.

rosemaryhon

That said: if a man truly loves you, that won't matter. . .he should be in it for you, not for your ability (or inability) to breed....

I strongly disagree here ^^. Before I had kids, if I met a man who didn't want children, I wouldn't continue a romance long enough to fall truly in love. And that's okay, it's okay for some of us to feel we really want to have children.

.....Besides, do you really want to marry a man who won't love your children as his own? Any good man will love you for you, and won't care that you can't have more children....

I'm of the mindset that stepparents should not even want to love other peoples children "as their own". I'm a stepmother and I sincerely love my step-kids, but certainly not at all "as my own". My husband doesn't expect I will, his children have a mother to love them in a motherly way. And my husband loves my kids, he's very good to them ~ but he's not their father and nobody expects him to be. It's a pet peeve of mine when some presume stepparents should behave as parents .

To the OP: I think you certainly can meet a guy to marry!! I married a man with his own kids, I have my own, and we're perfectly happy. And too there's plenty who choose to remain child-free.