Advice on how to handle an ex please!

SemperAnticus1643

Little history first: I was 16 when I met my children's biological father. 17 when I got pregnant with our first and 20 when I got pregnant with our second. I was young and stupid and tried to make it work. He lived a partying lifestyle and was abusive and a serial cheater. Did I mention I was stupid?? Anyway, I grew up and took my responsibilities head on. He on the other hand did not. I admit that I chased him for a while trying to get him to care and want to spend time with our oldest daughter. But after our youngest daughter was born, I gave up. Our youngest is 7 now. In the past 7 years I can count on one hand how many times he has called and asked about the girls. Don't get me wrong, he has called but it was to take me out to a bar. January of 2011 he was picked up for grand larceny. He is now serving a 20 year sentence that will run concurrent with his many DUI's and drug charges. He is up for parole in January of 2014.

In the time frame that he has been an absent parent, my girls have always had a man around. My dad has been there as a constant through the years. The man they now know as their dad is my husband and he came in the picture when they were 3 and 6. They are well adjusted and have never known a bad day in their lives. They weren't brought up around drugs or drinking. They excel in school and in sports. To this day, they do not know who their biological father is nor do I think they really care.

I received a letter from prison yesterday. Their biological father wrote me a letter to apologize and ask about the girls. He said he got my address off the child support papers that were sent to him in prison. He's been in prison for a while and has had my address for about the same amount of time. I find it funny that he writes not after all this time. But I do think that the main reason he wrote was because he has a parole hearing coming up and he is now wanting to see the girls. He claims to be a changed man and sees the error of his ways. He says he loves the girls and just wants to be their dad.

My question is how should I respond to that? I am not bitter with him by no means. Four years ago he called telling me he wanted to be a part of their lives. This was right after he found out I was seeing someone. (Then my boyfriend, now my husband) I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule. He told me to have my boyfriend take care of them. Didn't hear from him again until yesterday. Do I answer his letter? If so, what do I say? Do I just act like I never got the letter? HELP!!

My husband is hurt as well. Him and the girls have an amazing bond and he doesn't find it beneficial for the girls to meet and get to know someone so unstable and who knows what else.

JenAndSome

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

DashDeV

I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule.

Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other. Also, it would be against legislation for the Child Support offices to provide him with your address without your consent.

Are you asking us if you should let him see his children? It's impossible for us to answer that since we don't know him. I realize this is the Chit Chat section, but this is an odd place to seek this kind of advice.

grrrlface

I think it may be a risk as he has been unreliable in the past. It could be all talk and he may only end up upsetting you, your girls and your husband. Especially your husband as he is already not happy about the idea.

It really does depend on how you feel. By the sounds of it you are quite happy how you are currently. Having your girls meet him may shake up your current family unit and I think you're worried about that? You only thought of it because he has been in touch.

I think the best thing to do, like above poster said, find out about your laws on parents seeing their children. If he has a right to and pursues it you may have no choice.

SemperAnticus1643

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.

What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?

TribeHokie

As a person I would say he forfeited his right to be in their lives years ago.

You should get some legal advice though so you know how far he could take it if he insists on seeing them. It sounds like you've done a good job of keeping your kids unaware of your adult issues so you don't want to potentially have a situation where he is trying to push and come around in a manner that you don't have any control over.

SemperAnticus1643

I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule.

Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other. Also, it would be against legislation for the Child Support offices to provide him with your address without your consent.

Are you asking us if you should let him see his children? It's impossible for us to answer that since we don't know him. I realize this is the Chit Chat section, but this is an odd place to seek this kind of advice.

The point of the child support suggestion of ONLY $20 a month for two children (our actual child support papers came down and he will have to pay me $400 per month as the base child support plus arrears) was to see that he's being responsible. I feel that any man that really and truly wants to have a relationship with his children would walk over hot coals to see them. Much less pay $20 a month.

SoDamnHungry

You should talk to a lawyer about this. In many states the other parent, even if a negligent *kitten*, is still allowed to see the kids.

SemperAnticus1643

As a person I would say he forfeited his right to be in their lives years ago.

You should get some legal advice though so you know how far he could take it if he insists on seeing them. It sounds like you've done a good job of keeping your kids unaware of your adult issues so you don't want to potentially have a situation where he is trying to push and come around in a manner that you don't have any control over.

My children are now 10 & 7 years of age. They were 6 & 3 when their step dad came into the picture.

DashDeV

I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule.

Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other. Also, it would be against legislation for the Child Support offices to provide him with your address without your consent.

Are you asking us if you should let him see his children? It's impossible for us to answer that since we don't know him. I realize this is the Chit Chat section, but this is an odd place to seek this kind of advice.

The point of the child support suggestion of ONLY $20 a month for two children (our actual child support papers came down and he will have to pay me $400 per month as the base child support plus arrears) was to see that he's being responsible. I feel that any man that really and truly wants to have a relationship with his children would walk over hot coals to see them. Much less pay $20 a month.

I'm not disagreeing with you, I was just stating fact. You would not be allowed to keep them from him if he decided not to pay the $20.00.

JenAndSome

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.

What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?

I'm saying you may not have a choice. Legally, if he is on the birth certificate or can prove he is their father through DNA and he pushes the issue, you cannot deny him the right to see his children. That is why I suggested the lawyer. Believe me, it sucks. I wouldn't want him near my kids if I were in your shoes either. Unfortunately, unless you can get him to sign over his parental rights and have your husband adopt them legally (which would be awesome) you will always have to risk him being introduced into their lives.

SemperAnticus1643

I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule.

Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other. Also, it would be against legislation for the Child Support offices to provide him with your address without your consent.

Are you asking us if you should let him see his children? It's impossible for us to answer that since we don't know him. I realize this is the Chit Chat section, but this is an odd place to seek this kind of advice.

The point of the child support suggestion of ONLY $20 a month for two children (our actual child support papers came down and he will have to pay me $400 per month as the base child support plus arrears) was to see that he's being responsible. I feel that any man that really and truly wants to have a relationship with his children would walk over hot coals to see them. Much less pay $20 a month.

I'm not disagreeing with you, I was just stating fact. You would not be allowed to keep them from him if he decided not to pay the $20.00.

I guess I just always assumed that since there was no legal visitation in order I could control when and if he ever saw them. I had a police officer tell me once that I could file kidnapping charges against him for taking my children without my consent since he didn't have a court order to see them and they didn't know who he was.

itsscottwilder

I'll just say this. At some point, your kids are going to become curious about their biological father. For that reason I would keep the door open.

But I do think that if this guy wants to be considered a daddy; then some sort of regular child support payments need to start happening.

rml_16

Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

zombieyoshi

It sounds like you definitely need to find and talk to a lawyer, so many states have different laws regarding those issues. C.Y.A. And get legal help, especially if you don't want them to meet him.

vim_n_vigor

You need to seek legal advice from a lawyer in the state you reside. At least here, as long as parental rights have not been terminated, you do not have the right to keep a parent from seeing their child. At least get a court order that defines what if any visitation he gets and whether it is supervised or not. It really isn't your choice.

conniemaxwell5

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I also think that he needs to prove himself before he is allowed anything more than the bare minimum that the law requires. If he truly is reformed and sorry for what he's done in the past he will understand the need to prove himself in many areas.

Lrdoflamancha

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.

What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?

I'm saying you may not have a choice. Legally, if he is on the birth certificate or can prove he is their father through DNA and he pushes the issue, you cannot deny him the right to see his children. That is why I suggested the lawyer. Believe me, it sucks. I wouldn't want him near my kids if I were in your shoes either. Unfortunately, unless you can get him to sign over his parental rights and have your husband adopt them legally (which would be awesome) you will always have to risk him being introduced into their lives.

A lot of great advice here...but the best advice is Get a lawyer!

Calliope610

Sounds like your children have a good life with you and your husband. It also is clear that your ex is a manipulator and is using the children as a "get out of jail" card and will probably just add chaos to your children's life.

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

UsedToBeHusky

Personally, I wouldn't do anything.

Let him get his parole, get his life on track, hire himself an attorney, and pursue you for visitation legally. If he is willing to do all that, then he is worthy to be a father. Don't enable him. Don't facillitate him. Make him prove that he really wants to be a father. Otherwise, you will be wasting your time and energy, and your kids'.

Yes, he has legal rights to them, and he can exercise those rights, if he wants, but I would make him take you to court.

Contrarian

He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.

UsedToBeHusky

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

Or even better... this.

socajam

Little history first: I was 16 when I met my children's biological father. 17 when I got pregnant with our first and 20 when I got pregnant with our second. I was young and stupid and tried to make it work. He lived a partying lifestyle and was abusive and a serial cheater. Did I mention I was stupid?? Anyway, I grew up and took my responsibilities head on. He on the other hand did not. I admit that I chased him for a while trying to get him to care and want to spend time with our oldest daughter. But after our youngest daughter was born, I gave up. Our youngest is 7 now. In the past 7 years I can count on one hand how many times he has called and asked about the girls. Don't get me wrong, he has called but it was to take me out to a bar. January of 2011 he was picked up for grand larceny. He is now serving a 20 year sentence that will run concurrent with his many DUI's and drug charges. He is up for parole in January of 2014.

In the time frame that he has been an absent parent, my girls have always had a man around. My dad has been there as a constant through the years. The man they now know as their dad is my husband and he came in the picture when they were 3 and 6. They are well adjusted and have never known a bad day in their lives. They weren't brought up around drugs or drinking. They excel in school and in sports. To this day, they do not know who their biological father is nor do I think they really care.

I received a letter from prison yesterday. Their biological father wrote me a letter to apologize and ask about the girls. He said he got my address off the child support papers that were sent to him in prison. He's been in prison for a while and has had my address for about the same amount of time. I find it funny that he writes not after all this time. But I do think that the main reason he wrote was because he has a parole hearing coming up and he is now wanting to see the girls. He claims to be a changed man and sees the error of his ways. He says he loves the girls and just wants to be their dad.

My question is how should I respond to that? I am not bitter with him by no means. Four years ago he called telling me he wanted to be a part of their lives. This was right after he found out I was seeing someone. (Then my boyfriend, now my husband) I suggested we handle the situation like adults and he pay me child support for 6 months straight. $20 a month for six months and it needs to be on a regular schedule. He told me to have my boyfriend take care of them. Didn't hear from him again until yesterday. Do I answer his letter? If so, what do I say? Do I just act like I never got the letter? HELP!!

My husband is hurt as well. Him and the girls have an amazing bond and he doesn't find it beneficial for the girls to meet and get to know someone so unstable and who knows what else.

I would not reply to his letter. In the meantime I would get legal help to ensure that all your T are crossed and Is are dotted. When he presents himself making demands, have your attorney deal with it. I would not let the children visit him in prison, even if he is dying. Stand firm, because you have a lot more to lose than him and he knows it. Make sure until the children are a lot older, than all visitations are supervised, he cannot be trusted

newfette81

people can change a lot is 10 years but then again some people don't change at all.

My father is not a nice person, I grew up with a lot of emotional abuse from him which only got worse after I moved out as an adult and my parents finally broke up. It wasn't until he threatened to kill my mother and told me to stay away from him so I didn't get hurt that I cut all ties with him. That was 6 years ago. My mom has moved on and the new man in her life has been more of a father to me than my real dad ever was.

But if my biological father were to call me and tell me he was sorry and that he had changed and wanted to try and rebuild what we had lost I would give him a chance but I tell you now it would be very difficult for him to regain my trust.

Your ex needs to build that trust with you. your children are too young to fully understand what is going on and supervised visits are probably best to protect them and keep an eye on what kinds of things he is telling them, but as someone who doesn't have that relationship with my biological father and by extension his family (aunts, uncles, grandparents) please think of what your children could gain by having so much more love in their lives.

SemperAnticus1643

Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

If they ask, I will give them the option. I won't bring it up though. They are aware that my husband is not their dad. We have informed them of the possibility of adoption. I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point. I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)

devil_in_a_blue_dress

You need to talk to a lawyer, because, as others have pointed out -- he may have a legal right to see his children whether or not he has paid support or not. However, I would guess that because he is incarcerated, now would be an excellent time to go to family court to work out an arrangement that would be favorable to him not having unsupervised visitation.

I am all for people changing their lives and believe that children can have positive relationships with parents who previously abandoned them. However, I do not think he should have carte blanche access to them.

Melissa22G

He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.

QFT

porcelain_doll

He sounds very selfish. I read "parole hearing" and immediately assumed that was why he was writing. It's not about the girls, it's about him. His actions leading up to the present do not paint a picture of a repentant, humble, genuine man. It's not like he's been too busy sitting in prison to do a little more to show he really is interested in being their dad. I would tread carefully. Do not allow yourself or your girls to be deceived. I even wonder if their biological dad attempting to poke his head back into their lives would be healthy for them since they already have a dad in their lives who really wants to be their dad.

Headingforhealthier

Get a lawyer. No one else can reliably tell you what you have to do, in the state that you live and without knowing your fully story. My dad left when I was 5, and I believe there is a way you can make sure he can't visit them, but you would have to speak to a professional about it.

DashDeV

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

Or even better... this.

How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.

rml_16

Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

If they ask, I will give them the option. I won't bring it up though.

They don't know he wants to see them, so why would they ask? You need to give them all the facts. This is their father. They need to know what's going on.

I have a similar situation and my daughter expressed when she was 10 that she didn't want to meet her father. (He isn't in jail, just absent.) I could make it happen if she wanted it and if I had my way, they would have a relationship, but in the end, it was about what SHE wanted because she is the one this all really affects.