Advice on how to handle an ex please!
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I'd hire a lawyer, as suggested, but I'd also hire a therapist for your kids.
This. Money very well spent.0 -
1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
Sorry, but he is their father and you cannot keep him from them. Legally, child support and visitation are not supported - barring some crazy circumstances, you cannot keep a man from his children. It isn't your place to "let" him in.0 -
Pretend you never got the letter. I am in a similar situation. Deadbeat will always be deadbeat especially spending time in prison where he would not have had the chance to be around his own kids or any other kids for that matter. Sperm donor is all he is. That is exactly the way I feel about my problem too. Fortunately, my child is old enough to realize the loser he is too so her heart is broken, but her life is better off without him.
True story.0 -
I guess I just always assumed that since there was no legal visitation in order I could control when and if he ever saw them. I had a police officer tell me once that I could file kidnapping charges against him for taking my children without my consent since he didn't have a court order to see them and they didn't know who he was.
He can just file for visitation if you do that and he WILL get it. Of course he can't take them without your consent, but you also cannot refuse consent unreasonably.0 -
you need legal adivce.
And whatever is right for your kids is what you need to do.
Good luck!0 -
1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
Sorry, but he is their father and you cannot keep him from them. Legally, child support and visitation are not supported - barring some crazy circumstances, you cannot keep a man from his children. It isn't your place to "let" him in.
Agree with this 100%.
My father didn't want to see me till I was 18 and he was sure to not pay child support. You would think on my 18th birthday I would not want to see him but I bought a plane ticket to Butler, PA with my first job to meet him.
It didn't matter what kind of drug using, drunk, @sshole folks thought of him from his past or that he didn't want to see me. I had a stepdather who raised me since age 5 and is still the man I call dad.
My point is that you can't shelter children from their biological father. And if they have a step dad that loves them, nothing will change that.
Children have a right to know who their father is no matter how much of a dead beat anyone else may think he is.
**edited to say this was just my personal opinion as the kid in this situation and how it will not discredit any love the stepfather to those kids has provided by letting them know who their biological father is.0 -
2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.
Gah! Stop. Stop this whole thread. You're really not making good decisions posting all this here. If you are making better decisions now than you were when you were younger as you say, surely you can see that this isn't the place.
Oh, geezers...
Seriously though! Not to mention the convictions are all from one event. He got drunk, stole a car, and then tried to evade the police..... that's how sentencing works, they tack on convictions as they see fit.
This whole thread, not to mention your behavior, are just bizarre. That's the second time I've said it because I'm really baffled by them both.0 -
Child support & visitation are 2 separate issues. My ex & I have a son together, & we loved each other so much the breakup was a nasty bitter ending. I've made my mistakes & gone mia for various reasons (most drug & alcohol related). I have been clean for 5 yrs. It has been my experience that when I am an active part of my sons life, I find it easier to maintain my commitment to being a responsible, productive member of society, that bond sometimes keeps me focused when I experience minor setbacks along the way.
If you keep them from him, you'll be the bad guy & they will forever resent you for it.
If you create a stable environment for them to get to know him (a great example of this is a regularly scheduled visit @ a public place). That way you decide when to leave & he gets an opportunity. They'll figure out who he really is, & you won't have to do a thing.
Have faith in the moral & values you've instilled in your children; & give them a chance to practice them.0 -
This thread....
Seriously you have two options that are reasonable:
1. Be proactive, get a lawyer, and have a custody agreement drawn up while he is still in jail.
or
2. Do absolutely nothing. Let him figure out that he doesn't need your permission for visitation and let him petition the court.
If you go with option one, you have way more control. If you go with two, the likelihood of him doing that is low if he is actually still a deadbeat.
What you absolutely should do is have age appropriate conversations with your children.0 -
This thread....
Seriously you have two options that are reasonable:
1. Be proactive, get a lawyer, and have a custody agreement drawn up while he is still in jail.
or
2. Do absolutely nothing. Let him figure out that he doesn't need your permission for visitation and let him petition the court.
If you go with option one, you have way more control. If you go with two, the likelihood of him doing that is low if he is actually still a deadbeat.
What you absolutely should do is have age appropriate conversations with your children.
I agree with all of this... and OP... I rarely am in agreement with this poster!!0 -
It didn't matter what kind of drug using, drunk, @sshole folks thought of him from his past or that he didn't want to see me. I had a stepdather who raised me since age 5 and is still the man I call dad.
My point is that you can't shelter children from their biological father. And if they have a step dad that loves them, nothing will change that.
Children have a right to know who their father is no matter how much of a dead beat anyone else may think he is.
Bingo! And thank you for being a great person to know and learn about your father, and parents overall.
In all actuality - this thread is enough to help sway the parole board, and any judge to allow the father interaction with the children. It is his right. Even if you try to get it deleted, it is still within the MFP database. If he even has a minute knowledge this exists, all that is required is a subpoena for evidence and testimony. And if MFP tries to permanently remove, I am guessing it would not be too good on their record either.
See...the enabling. A deadbeat parent is always enabled somehow...ALWAYS.0 -
We hear here about all of his shortcomings, which eventually led to prison.
But we hear nothing about yours. There's always 2 sides to a story. Are you really that picture perfect? (this was not meant to offend, only to offer a differing opinion)
I am a strong supporter of the rights of biological fathers and firmly have an opinion that where there are "deadbeat" parents (dad implied here), there is an enabler on the other side allowing these actions to occur.
Until those children are of age (technically 18) it is your sole responsibility to engage the interaction with their father. You admitted, you were stupid. He is admitting that now too. Prison - go figure - may have worked for him. Hey! Imagine that...the system working!
And child support...what do you need that for? You are married, the children are very well taken care of and embraced by your husband. What will child support prove? The fact the the shoes you buy for them will be bought by him/their father? That essentially puts more $$ in your pocket. So you have a father, wanting to get back into their lives and you want him to pay to have access to them? Maybe, just maybe he did change, will become part of their lives, and without the child support payments you will see him contributing to their lives in many ways. It is your responsibility to be a parent, a person, hope for the best, continually in the eyes of your children, and engage the interaction. If he doesn't reciprocate, then truly he can be labeled a deadbeat.
Without your response, you will be enabling the distance. The children will grow and become their own person, and may see this some day. Heck, they may even want to go stay with their dad. You will call it rebellion. They will say they just want to see their dad. And guess what, there is no disrespect to your husband. None intended as he should have known all of this before he entered a relationship with you. Yes, it may hurt, but if he is as good as you say (I believe he may be) then he has nothing to worry about. They will always come back to him, and the memories won't fade like he may be thinking.
Sometimes 3 parents works out. Gotta let it, don't force it. Let it happen. Think...take a breath sometimes. Let it happen.
This is actually really good advice.0 -
He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.
QFT
BS
He may have a legal right in the eyes of the course-that he provided sperm. But he does not have "Every right to see his kids" He is not their father- he is the sperm donor.
I would agree- do nothing except hire a lawyer and get your T's and I's all straightened out and let him come to you. Ignore the letter- be as legal as possible. Sure he MAY have changed (DOUBTFUL with the timing of parole and the letter- smacks of manipulation more than anything else)... but he has to prove that. Writing one little measly letter at the time of his parole doesn't support that at all- if anything it supports the opposite- if he had truly changed- he would be writing more constantly trying to make amends and plead his case.
OP get a lawyer- Protect yourself- protect your family.0 -
Why are you so afraid to give the children a choice? This is THEIR decision. You can explain things to them. They know he hasn't been around. They may very well have no interest in seeing him. But they have a RIGHT to that decision. They have a RIGHT to meet their father if they choose to.1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
You should be there. It should be in public and supervised and they should be aware that he may disappear on them again, given his history. They should be prepared for the worst. But they have a right to decide they want to take that chance.
You are being selfish.0 -
He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.
QFT
BS
He may have a legal right in the eyes of the course-that he provided sperm. But he does not have "Every right to see his kids" He is not their father- he is the sperm donor.
I would agree- do nothing except hire a lawyer and get your T's and I's all straightened out and let him come to you. Ignore the letter- be as legal as possible. Sure he MAY have changed (DOUBTFUL with the timing of parole and the letter- smacks of manipulation more than anything else)... but he has to prove that. Writing one little measly letter at the time of his parole doesn't support that at all- if anything it supports the opposite- if he had truly changed- he would be writing more constantly trying to make amends and plead his case.
OP get a lawyer- Protect yourself- protect your family.
Its not BS, its the truth. As you said, he does have the legal right to see them, so I'm not sure what you mean by saying he does not have every right to see them. The legal right is all that matters - if she wants to exercise her moral rights and they are in opposition to his legal rights, she will find herself in jail for contempt. All that matters here is the legal issue, and there is no question about that.0 -
My only question with this thread is how many of you have actually experienced something like this?
Anyone can say he has rights because his is their bio but it will always come down to what is best for the children!0 -
He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.
QFT
BS
He may have a legal right in the eyes of the course-that he provided sperm. But he does not have "Every right to see his kids" He is not their father- he is the sperm donor.
I would agree- do nothing except hire a lawyer and get your T's and I's all straightened out and let him come to you. Ignore the letter- be as legal as possible. Sure he MAY have changed (DOUBTFUL with the timing of parole and the letter- smacks of manipulation more than anything else)... but he has to prove that. Writing one little measly letter at the time of his parole doesn't support that at all- if anything it supports the opposite- if he had truly changed- he would be writing more constantly trying to make amends and plead his case.
OP get a lawyer- Protect yourself- protect your family.
Its not BS, its the truth. As you said, he does have the legal right to see them, so I'm not sure what you mean by saying he does not have every right to see them. The legal right is all that matters - if she wants to exercise her moral rights and they are in opposition to his legal rights, she will find herself in jail for contempt. All that matters here is the legal issue, and there is no question about that.
She can also exercise the moral and legal right to move to terminate his parental rights. By the courts. Legally.0 -
Why are you so afraid to give the children a choice? This is THEIR decision. You can explain things to them. They know he hasn't been around. They may very well have no interest in seeing him. But they have a RIGHT to that decision. They have a RIGHT to meet their father if they choose to.1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
You should be there. It should be in public and supervised and they should be aware that he may disappear on them again, given his history. They should be prepared for the worst. But they have a right to decide they want to take that chance.
You are being selfish.
I have to disagree with you. Asking a 7 year old to make an adult decision isn't necessarily wise. Let them stay little.0 -
Why are you so afraid to give the children a choice? This is THEIR decision. You can explain things to them. They know he hasn't been around. They may very well have no interest in seeing him. But they have a RIGHT to that decision. They have a RIGHT to meet their father if they choose to.1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.
What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?
You should be there. It should be in public and supervised and they should be aware that he may disappear on them again, given his history. They should be prepared for the worst. But they have a right to decide they want to take that chance.
You are being selfish.
Yeah! Because 7 and 10 year olds always make great decisions. I say we should let all children make their own decisions, about everything!!0 -
He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.
QFT
BS
He may have a legal right in the eyes of the course-that he provided sperm. But he does not have "Every right to see his kids" He is not their father- he is the sperm donor.
I would agree- do nothing except hire a lawyer and get your T's and I's all straightened out and let him come to you. Ignore the letter- be as legal as possible. Sure he MAY have changed (DOUBTFUL with the timing of parole and the letter- smacks of manipulation more than anything else)... but he has to prove that. Writing one little measly letter at the time of his parole doesn't support that at all- if anything it supports the opposite- if he had truly changed- he would be writing more constantly trying to make amends and plead his case.
OP get a lawyer- Protect yourself- protect your family.
Its not BS, its the truth. As you said, he does have the legal right to see them, so I'm not sure what you mean by saying he does not have every right to see them. The legal right is all that matters - if she wants to exercise her moral rights and they are in opposition to his legal rights, she will find herself in jail for contempt. All that matters here is the legal issue, and there is no question about that.
She won't find herself in jail for contempt until the man files for visitation, and THEN, she denies him. He has never exercised his legal rights to these kids, and until he does, the custodial parent doesn't have to do a thing.0
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