Advice on how to handle an ex please!

Lauren8239

He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:

porcelain_doll

He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:

Agreed.

amelia_atlantic

Very tough position to be in. I feel for you and your family.

As generic advice: know your rights, his rights, the laws and acknowledge the impact on your kids one way or another.

Personal opinion: most men in prison claim to be "changed men" because they are forced to change by the institution. I wouldn't take any action if/until you hear from him from the outside world.

Best of luck to you and your family!

teerae326

I'm dealing with a similar situation and the best advice I've gotten is to seek legal counsel. My daughter's biological father hasn't been in the picture for the majority of her 6 years... aside from a few visits. He paid child support every once in a while, not consistently. The only times he has been interested in seeing her, him and the girlfriend of the week would break up and poof! He wants to be involved now! He would pop up after more than a year of not seeing her and expect me to let her go with him. Absolute insanity. He has a history of drug problems, however none on public record. He thinks he is a rapper, which is stupid. A couple years ago, he signed over his parental rights but I wasn't able to afford the attorney fees for filing the paperwork. He has recently reached out to me wanting to see my daughter and says he will take me to court because I haven't let him see her. I don't respond. My daughter would know him if she saw him, I think, but her memories with him aren't great. The last time she saw him, he was in my face screaming and snatched her away from me. I don't know what will happen when we eventually go to court. In the meantime, he can suck a fat one because I will not let him take my daughter without knowing he is going to take care of her. Some court will have to order me to do so. I was advised to get legal counsel, as attorneys know what his options are as well as your own. It is best to know what your options are before you make decisions.

autumny70

I agree with getting legal advice. It may be best to have custody issues cemented while he's in prison. They award you sole custody, no visitation except what you see as best for the children. That's what I had with my youngest (now 19). I never said he couldn't see his daughter, but I could refuse if there were safety issues (i.e.: he shows up at the door wasted).

UsedToBeHusky

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

Or even better... this.

How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.

If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?

The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.

mag131

I'll just say this. At some point, your kids are going to become curious about their biological father. For that reason I would keep the door open.

^^This.

Calliope610

He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.

QFT

Especially if the father is a physically abusive, drug using ex-con. That's why sometimes it is necessary to go to court to have his "right" legally revoked.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

this and

Child support and visitation are two different issues and one should not determine the other.

this

josavage

I think that he is just doing this now to up his chances of getting out on parole - he wants to try to show the board that he is a changed man and thinks that if the girls are back in his life, that will make him look better. Speak with an attorney before making a decision about responding to him. If he does get out and really wants a relationship with the girls, you need an attorney to work out the visitation agreement. The attorney will know how things run in your state with a dad like him, what your rights are, what his rights are, and what you can do to protect your girls.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.

Bingo! OP, your and your husbands feelings and even the exes are not what matters here. He is their father, whether they know him or not. For all you know, he is a changed man and hopefully so, for the girls sakes.

junejadesky

GO THROUGH THE COURTS... DO EVERYTHING THROUGH THE COURTS!! You need to protect those girls and going the legal route is the best way. Depending on what state you live in, he may have to petition for visitation (which should be SUPERVISED because he's an ex-con).

Go to the Human Services division of your state government and find out all of your options. Make EVERYTHING go through them and they will give you the path that you need to take in order to get child support and any other court orders on visitation that may be needed.

Texusmc

Best advice anyone can give for you about your situation is (and seems to always be, for a good reason) is get some legal advice.
I am divorced and my 3 daughters live in a different state. I have an "ok" relationship with them. That is due to their mother bad mouthing me. after they have visited, or moved out on their own, (as they are all out of H.S. now) they have seen the truth. I contacted them often, my door was open to them and I definitely paid more than what I needed to for their benefit. Due to my Military service I wasn't able to be around. They (your girls) deserve the truth. They will make the determination on who their "Father" is. but def seek legal counsel. best of luck.

supplemama

He is their father. Like it or not, if he wants to be in their life, until they are old enough to say otherwise, he has every right to see his kids.

This is true. but the kids have every right not to be jerked around by an absentee dad. If he is really serious then he will go through the state and legal measures, and not hassle the woman and her husband who have actually been raising and paying for these kids all this time. He needs to PROVE he is serious.

I think he is just doing this so that when/if she says no he can say, I tried to see my kids but SHE wouldn't let me. Humph. If that's the case then he needs to invoke his legal rights and get it straight! There should be a formal, legal custody agreement in place anyway, so he might as well just go through the courts.

UsedToBeHusky

So many good fathers get rung through the ringer, why can't one crappy one be forced to prove himself worthy?

DashDeV

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

Or even better... this.

How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.

If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?

The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.

Typical.

kiwidrop

In my opinion, no not now. It's too soon. He is still in jail. He needs to demonstrate that he can be a responsible adult. I suggest telling him that once he gets out of jail and shows that he is no longer in "that life," maybe 6 months to a year afterwards, then he can see the girls. In the beginning it should definitely be limited, supervised, and in a public place then gradually increase (as he demonstrates being responsible).

I'm reading what others are saying, but come-on people there is a difference between keeping your kids away from their father and being a responsible adult who is protecting your kids. Sounds like you never kept them away from him, but he chose not to be involved. Now it's your choice for how to incorporate him back into their lives, especially since their still so young.

(I'm wondering how many of the responders actually have kids and have experienced custody battles.)

Annette_rose

Wow, you are in a tough situation and I feel for you As some have mentioned above, I would seek legal counsel. You may find that if he ever has to be enforced to pay his child support and the back support, he may disappear from their lives again. No telling. I would definitily see what your legal rights are and that is great that you and the girls have what sounds like a wonderful dad in their lives in the man you are with now.

ShellyAnn46

wrong place to air this situation...

Contrarian

Are your girls old enough to ask what THEY want?

This isn't about your feelings or your husband's feelings or even the bio father's feelings. It's about the children who may or may not want to at least meet their bio father. Or they may have no interest in meeting him. I think you need to talk to them about it. What if you respond with a no way and they find out later and say they wanted a chance with him?

If they ask, I will give them the option. I won't bring it up though. They are aware that my husband is not their dad. We have informed them of the possibility of adoption. I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point. I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)

I understand that their father has made questionable choices, but biasing your children against their biological father is not a good idea, in my opinion.

You chose this person and made two children with him. As difficult as it may be, you cannot simply erase the past.

scottkjar

A few years ago, I had a student whose biological father got out of prison and unexpectedly showed up in her life. She did not know him, did not know about him, and was completely unhinged by the incident. She was angry at her mother for not preparing her for this encounter, because the mother had known that the biological father would someday get out of prison and might show up. She lost her moral bearing and spiraled down very quickly. If I can offer any advice, it is to give your children some information about the bio father so that they are prepared. He WILL get out someday, and whether you like it or not, he WILL pop into their lives somehow, most likely in a way that you cannot control. So make sure they know enough to handle the situation when it happens.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

2010-568 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 6Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/25/2016
2010-68 PONT Larceny Of An Automobile (Split) 05/06/2011 14Y Probation 05/06/2011 05/05/2031
2010-69 PONT Dui, 2nd & Subsequent 05/06/2011 5Y Incarceration 03/07/2012 01/16/2015
2011-15 PONT Attempting To Elude Police Officer (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017
2011-15 PONT Running A Roadblock (Sus) 05/06/2011 5Y Probation 03/07/2012 03/06/2017

Here is his partial record. This isn't all...trust me. His record is longer than my college transcript.

if I were you, I would probably see about removing this.

42hockeymom

I read some [but not all] of the responses, and what I saw did not deal with his addiction issues.

When I read your original post, the first thing I thought was he's working the steps. But then the issue of Parole was brought up and a (albeit small) red flag came up.

Yes, seeking legal counsel is a good idea.

HOWEVER if he truly is walking the walk, and not just talking the talk I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd investigate if he's in a recovery program while incarcerated. Some prisons do offer such things whether it be AA or something similar. If he is working on his sobriety then you may want to look into some Alanon meetings. These can answer some questions for you dealing with his work on his recovery.

I'm suggesting these thing because he can go to court once he's out and ask for visitation whether you want to allow that or not. Most states allow biological parents visitation and other rights to their children. Is it right in every case? No, probably not. But it is what it is.

I wish you luck, and if you do have to open a dialogue with your kids about him, try not to bad mouth him. I do realize that's going to be hard, but in the long run, your girls will admire and respect you when they're older, not resent you. I'm speaking from experience here.

luckyshilling

Time to consult a lawyer. The good news is, in most states, with his criminal record & lack of interest in seeing the kids for this long, you basicly hold all the cards in how the visitation would go. If he chooses to pursue seeing them (he would have to take you to court), you have every right to request supervised visitation. I believe the judge would also agree that this is one of those situations that supervised visitation would be in order. Since he is essentially a stranger to the kids, criminal history & substance abuse history, and has no child rearing skills any visits he would get with the kids would most likely have a state appointed supervisor. He would also have to show the court his home is safe before he would be allowed to take them there in most states since he would have just gotten out of jail. If he pursues visitation in jail? That I have not heard of so def a question for the lawyer.

This is of course only if he decides to pursue the issue. It has been my experiance with relatives who have dealt with deadbeat dads that since they haven't been paying child support they don't take the Mom to court for visitation rights because it only draws attention (in the court system no less) to the fact they are delinquent on their payments. Because, most guys who don't pay up, don't feel like showing up to court where they can promptly be arrested for non-payment of child support.

Don't stress yet, I would consult a lawyer and then just wait and see if he even pursues this further. Most likely once he is paroled he will go right back to his old ways again and drop out of your life again. Bad news, no child support. Good news, you won't have to worry about him wanting time with your girls.

Good luck.

UsedToBeHusky

Can you move to terminate his parental rights, and if successful, have your husband legally adopt them?

Or even better... this.

How could you give this advice when you don't even know the situation? Horrible advice.

If a man wants or loves anyone (kids or otherwise), he will move mountains. If this man really wants to see his children, then he will fight for it. If he doesn't, then why should OP place her children in a position to be rejected by their father?

The kids should probably be advised of the situation before OP makes a move like this, but I would still advise this.

Typical.

You know nothing about me or my situation.

My ex is very much like the OP described, except that I married him, he finally managed to get to a point where he could avoid going to jail/prison. I have bent over backwards for him to have access to his children. He still doesn't. And he is always looking for some flaw in my parenting so that he can get out of child support. He doesn't care if his actions cause his kids to end up in a foster home because he is not smart enough to realize that he would still have to pay child support.

The kids have a good man to be their father. And odds are, they will want the man raising them to adopt them. Bio-dad needs to prove that this really matters to him, and fight for those kids.

jboccio90

I wouldn't do anything, if he wants to see them let him go through the proper channels when he gets out of jail and then I would fight for supervised visitation.

In my opinion and being the product of a father who was in and out of my life through out my childhood, I feel a man should be there for the home stretch or not at all.
At times I'd wish I had never known my father then feel the constant pain of rejection when ever he got tired of being a father and would leave.

EatClean_WashUrNuts

Bullets in a chamber speak loudly

Aello11

you need to consult an attorney - you need to know all of your legal options for the state you are living in Use the time before his parole hearing to prepare yourself and your family. (consider that letter a blessing - it gives you time to get the i(s) dotted and t(s) crossed)

RBXChas

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.

What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?

I'm not sure where you live, but I'm a family law attorney, so in my state you wouldn't have a choice if he petitions the court for visitation. Unless he agrees to terminate his parental rights, he is their biological father and has a right to visitation. Non-payment of child support, while actionable, does not mean that you can withhold visitation, either.

That said, it's worth your while to get an attorney should he petition the court for visitation. They can help make it so that any visitation he has is supervised, plus, at least here, DSS will suggest that it be done on a very limited basis because the girls pretty much don't know him at all.

Some men, though, upon seeing that their children are happy with the other parent (or even with other family members) and knowing that they cannot keep up with child support, will agree to terminate parental rights.

I will add, though, based on my dealings in criminal defense as well as family law clients who've had run-ins with the law, people actually do change. Prison, especially for a prolonged period, does make people think. That's not everyone, of course, nor is it truly common, but it does happen. While you may have moved on, he may genuinely want to turn his life around and be a father. It doesn't forgive the past, I know, but if he has become a good man, then it may be a good thing in the long run.

I know it's a lot to digest, and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

Like I said, I'm not sure where you live, so I can't actually give you legal advice, just tell you how it would work where I practice. It might be different where you are, but the general principles are likely similar.

There's no need to respond to him if you don't feel that it's good for your girls, nor should you accept phone calls from him (if he's allowed to make them) for the same reason. You have to do what's best for them, yet you are also bound to follow the law. As such, my advice is to get an attorney when and if he is released and petitions for visitation. If he starts bugging you about visitation but does not file with the court, then get an attorney so that you can see if you can petition to not have visitation at all until he proves to have enough stability to earn it, so to speak.

ETA that here, in a situation like yours, family court judges would almost certainly order regular drug testing (possibly even alcohol) and would either withhold visitation entirely or keep it highly supervised should he have anything show up.

EATA that you should definitely have an attorney and hope that he doesn't. (1) The attorney can deal with him rather than you, and (2) it's interesting to see how people shoot themselves in the foot when appearing pro se. He might make your case for you. But try not to go pro se yourself, since even my clients on the "right" side of a case, if allowed to represent themselves, would have hurt their case just by saying too much.

tzig00

Personally, I wouldn't do anything.

Let him get his parole, get his life on track, hire himself an attorney, and pursue you for visitation legally. If he is willing to do all that, then he is worthy to be a father. Don't enable him. Don't facillitate him. Make him prove that he really wants to be a father. Otherwise, you will be wasting your time and energy, and your kids'.

Yes, he has legal rights to them, and he can exercise those rights, if he wants, but I would make him take you to court.

This was my thought. If you have no visitation schedule in place, it's up to him to get visitation set up through the court system. Where I live you have to prove there is a threat to the mental or physical health of the child in order to not have any visitation. I don't know if you legally have full physical custody or not, but if you don't, don't let him see them. Here, if there is no custody order in place, whoever has the child has custody and does not have to give that child back until a temporary custody order is in place.