He wants kids, I don't....

Kimdbro

So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.

Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...

......someone here gets it.

you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.

Yes, I assume that I would be biased in my own post when there is someone who understands what I'm thinking.

in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"

Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.

She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.

anemoneprose

So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.

Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...

......someone here gets it.

you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.

Yes, I assume that I would be biased in my own post when there is someone who understands what I'm thinking.

in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"

Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.

lol

fbmandy55

I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.

You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.

This. It's fine that you are undecided but you have been together 8 years. At some point you will have to make a decision, for physical reasons.. It's not fair to HIM to waste his life waiting for you to decide if you want them or not. But I think setting some goals and a timeline would do a ton for your relationship.

I have a 6 year old (no dad in the picture) and when my fiance and I got serious, I told him that I did not want to have my next child after I was 30. I've been dying to have another and the wait is heartbreaking, especially with PCOS and the possibility of a struggle. He wanted to at least be married and finished with school so we made that compromise, another year and a half until we are married and he is graduated. That gives him time to get settled and gives me an idea of when it can happen, not an endless wait until he is ready.

So_Much_Fab

Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.

Genesis 1:28 - "Be fruitful and multiply"

Hmm, quite the conundrum now.

Deut. 25:11

When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.

Genesis 38:9
Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

I had to. :laugh:

Seriously, OP I can't add to all of the good advice you've gotten, so I'll just say that I hope things work out for the best!

pseudomuffin

Sometimes sticking with someone just because you have a lot of history together isn't the best idea if you're starting to find that you're not compatible. Talk to him about it, throwing caution to the wind, because it's a lot worse to let resentment build up over time than to potentially break it off now.

Not saying that's what is going to happen, but if it does, it does. Your goals are obviously very important to you, and his desire for children may actually be genuine and he's just using the pressure from his mom as an excuse to tell you about it.

NoAdditives

Ultimately, you both need to figure out exactly what you want from life. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't the relationship will not work. There is no compromise in that situation. One person will not get what they want and will end up resenting the other person. And if it's you who gives in and you end up having kids, the kids will suffer because the relationship will suffer.

LumpySpacePrincess1

Is anyone really surprised a guy who made a decision in his teens/early twenties changed his mind?
It's easy to say you don't want a kid when you are one yourself. Saying "LOLOLOL too late, you already said you didn't want them when you were 4 so now that decision is valid forever!" is both illogical and fairly,..re*arded.
He'll probably back down for now to keep his girlfriend, but eventually he'll come to the conclusion he can have a kid and a girlfriend, just not this girlfriend.
It's normal to want to progress after a decade, regardless of age.

anemoneprose

in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"

Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.

She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.

I am guessing, "nice guy" who's been romantically devastated, frequently / future men's rights activist

CookNLift

She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.

I don't recall specifying that she has to right now, i was going against the fact that she stated she "may never want to" and is writing off the possibility because her boyfriend of nearly a decade could never possibly think of the idea on his own accord without his mother pressuring him to. I have never heard someone I knew in their old age- state, damn I wish I worked on my career longer, or spent more time on work.

I agree by no means is having a baby the have all cure all, and I never specified that. Quoting two lines out of my post kind of alters the point I was trying to make, which was that she doesn't seem the be taking the option too seriously because she won't get out of her own way and think about what he may want - not just now, but in the future as well.

But I'll go on my pulpit, it's rather nice talking down to others.

Briko3

So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.

Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...

WTF are you talking about? All of my friends are parents of beautiful children...all of them had children because they wanted children. I've never seen "peer" pressure to have kids in this day and age...if anything, there's more pressure to forgo the family and climb the corporate ladder in this day and age.

^ in that case, consider yourself lucky dude!

I live through the complete opposite! As one lady above stated: ".. it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen... "

How is it possible to have such different experiences in this "day and age" ? Must be sorcery!

I must say I was a bit puzzled by the "in this day and age" reference too and was wondering whether either I've been in a time warp for the last 20 years or the gentleman in question is significantly younger than me. However judging by his 38 years to my 43 I guess the excuse of "generation gap" might be out. :laugh:

I most definitely had my fair share of sustained questioning and pressure for most of my childbearing years about my choice not to have children.

It can be both subtle to extremely unsubtle, and has come from both family as well as strangers, other women as well as men.

It ranges from patronising remarks by other women implying that you don't know your own mind by telling you that eventually you WILL "come round" or that it won't be your choice because your "biological clock" WILL take over. Even when you admit to not actually being particularly fond of children you're told "oh I don't like other people's but it's different when it's you're own". When you can't be convinced differently, there is usually a shift from the trying to covert you stage to what I called the ill concealed hostility, where it's implied that might want to rethink your priorities in life, that you're selfish, that it's "not normal" not to want children, that you will be lonely in old age with no one to look after you..... When you hit round about 40 people start laying off you a bit because they assume one of 2 things, you biologically "can't have them" or you "never met the right guy"... both assumptions result in pity for your life.

Only relatively recently I joined a new team at work and a woman came to chat to me and literally the first thing she asked me (possibly even before my name!) was "do you have any children?", so I smile and politely say no I don't.... Her face changes to somewhere between embarrassment and pity and she says... "Oh... polycystic ovaries???" and I respond awkwardly "erm... no, I just didn't want any!"..... [silence].... "oh....!"

It's as if for some people it defines them, and thereby it defines you!

I have no problem with how people live their lives, but it does feel like some parents have a problem when you admit that you actively avoided having kids (the distinction between childless vs child free!). It's as if your choice is an outward criticism of their life somehow.

Perhaps it's something men don't experience so much but I have most certainly felt it even in "this day and age".

I don't think it's that as much as we tend to seek out people like us. When we find someone, we try to make connections and find similarities. With most parents, a large part of their lives revolve around kids. That being the case, it's sometimes hard to see the similarities when something that important in your life isn't at all important in someone else's. It's like someone that's passionate about politics meeting someone that doesn't vote or give a crap about politics. It's just hard to overcome the initial shock that the person is THAT different. That doesn't mean as the relationship develops, that won't change, but it's a knee jerk reaction we all have on some level or another.

michellechawner

My recent ex and i split because we were on different paths... It's been only a month, and while it hurts, it wasn't going to work out for us... I was ready to settle into marriage, as my career is stable - and he just went back to school to get his degree, as he's in a dead end job. I should have left sooner, I stuck around because I was comfortable and kept thinking "well maybe things will change..."

Nope.

We were together only half the time you've been with your boyfriend, but maybe your boyfriend is starting to think it's a good idea because his mother says so? or maybe he really does feel ready? I think that's a chat you need to have with him.

there are 3 deal breakers in all relationships - Finances, Religion, and Kids. At least that's what I learned. My ex and I couldn't agree on 2 of the 3, so it was for the better in the end that we broke it off.

I wish you luck!

CookNLift

in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"

Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.

She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.

I am guessing, "nice guy" who's been romantically devastated, frequently / future men's rights activist

you hit that nail on the head there! lolol

anemoneprose

in your original post you ended with: "I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?"

Why ask for advice if you will only consider agreeing with someone who validates what you are already setting in your mind. You obviously are very self-centered, and after reading through your posts it definitely confirms it. You want want you want in your relationship and don't seem to consider that maybe your boyfriend of over a decade actually wants to settle down and have a family with the woman he LOVES. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you and have something beautiful created between the two of you, yet you are doubting him and whether or not he means it or can think for himself, THEN choosing your "career" over him and the possibility of a beautiful life where you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I am not being rude, just honest.

She's 24!! Get off your pulpit. I suppose you think as long as he gets to keep his career it's all dandy for her to throw away the last 6 years of education to get where she is. If they were having the conversation at 30 there'd be warrant, at 24 are you kidding me?! Grow up, life isn't butterflies and unicorns where you live happily ever after just because you spend your life "with someone you love" and have "something beautiful created between the two of you" children are not fulfulling to everyone. She shouldn't sign on to something that isn't fulfilling to her, and neither should he, but it's not just black and white and give him a baby and live happily ever after.

I am guessing, "nice guy" who's been romantically devastated, frequently / future men's rights activist

you hit that nail on the head there! lolol

Well, just in case (benefit of the doubt) there is any misunderstanding around what the use of quotes has been for lately, I am not saying you are actually nice.

Perhaps you are religious?

(note - not saying all religious people think like this, just, have seen some who do)

CookNLift

Well, just in case (benefit of the doubt) there is any misunderstanding around what the use of quotes has been lately, I am not saying you are actually nice.

Perhaps you are religious?

(note - not saying all religious people think like this, just, have seen some who do)

If you're asking honestly and not being condescending or sarcastic I would have to say honestly that no I am not religious, I've read up and explored various ones, but one never concretely set in.

phred_52

Congrats I reckon' for the 8yrs, getting a degree and doing a job you truly seem to love with the desire to climb the ladder. I don't get the going to therapy part, I mean your not even married. Just have another serious sitdown. See where the cards fall If he don't agree and still let's mom and other influence him, then..hate to say it (8yrs is a long time I s'pose), but I'd end it, as hard as that might be.

spatulathumbs

Whether or not you want children is a private conversation that nobody else can answer for you.

The real question I have is why in the world you would want to stay with a man who involves his mommy so heavily in your lives and in your sex lives.

You do know that this will be the pattern for the rest of your lives together, right? Every little decision will need to be vetted by mommy, and yours will count for less. When people show you who they are, believe them.

amsipub

Personally, at 24, I was having fun and dating people and trying to launch my career. By 29, I was married with my career really working out well and I was able to get to the next goal in my life. I certainly wasn't ready for marriage, but if he is then it's time to really sit down and talk.

Here's the thing. If you don't want to have children and he does, if you decide to get married, that will cause a divorce. You both need to want the same important things in life. If you don't then it is time to face it and move on. It's just a sad, sad, sad reality of it. You are young where you don't need to worry about these things. You also haven't been dating a whole lot of people either. You haven't dated someone else since early high school. If this is a contention point then maybe you should reconsider whether this relationship is everything to you or not.

bethannien

Here's what my experience has been. My husband and I both wanted children. Within 5 months of getting married, I was pregnant. And my life has changed dramatically (as it should have). I recently got "dumped" by an old friend because I had been unable to make time in my schedule for her for about 3 months. Sometimes I get to go on dates with my husband, but my daughter is usually with us. This is the life I WANTED. If that doesn't sound good to you but it's what he wants, do you BOTH a favor and bow out. Kids are not for everyone and that's perfectly ok. But there is no compromise on having them or not. Both of you deserve to have the life you want.

0somuchbetter0

I'm at my breaking point with this struggle. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school. We were together through me going to 4 years of college- I've been graduated for almost 3 years now, we’ve lived together for the last 2. This was never an issue until his mother (:grumble: ) started bringing it up ALL the time.... Which has led him to think that we need to settle down, buy a house, have kids, the whole shebang...

I went to college for art, and I'm now a graphic designer. Throughout this whole relationship, I've always said that after college I didn't want to settle down for at least 5-6 years because I wanted to get my career on track first. I want to eventually move either South or to a bigger city with more job opportunities for me, but for now I’m working my first job and gaining experience so I can get a better (higher paying) job. He always agreed with this and said that it’s ok, he understands. I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know. And it was never a huge issue. But now, his brother is dating a girl who has a 3-year old. So that’s not helping the situation. His mother is pushing him every time she sees him, which makes me think that this is all happening because he thinks that what we’re *supposed* to do. Other people are pushing for their own selfish reasons and not thinking of us as a couple. No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.

I’ve been considering asking him if he will go to couples therapy with me to get to the bottom of this, to see if it’s actually him wanting these things or if it’s just what he thinks we’re supposed to do because everyone says we should. He’s agreed to therapy before, now I just need to pull the trigger… But I think I’m just scared of what may come out of it.
I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?

I don't have time to read the whole thread so I'm sorry if this has already been said, but...

1. You're so young. You don't have to decide right now if you want to have kids. You still have a good 15 years to make that decision.

2. Just because you get married doesn't mean you're going to be tied down to a mortgage and 2.3 brats and a kitchen apron. Get married if you want to, but keep working on your career, move to wherever you need to move for your career. You don't have buy a house just because you're married. What does he do for a living? Can his career move with yours?

3. Tell him to make his mother back off. If he doesn't, you will. There's nothing worse than a meddling mother-in-law.

It's too bad you have his whole family putting this kind of pressure on you. I didn't have to deal with this from my family, but my husband certainly did. He even had family members teasing him about possibly being gay because he didn't get married until he was 42.

Stick to your guns! Gotta run. Good luck!

Prioritees

Great Googly Moogly. Nope, haven't read every post - got bored about midway through.

OP - I volunteer with some groups who provide free legal information (not advice - we're not practicing law without a license before anyone goes there).

Kids, in your situation, ARE going to be the deal breaker. I see it every day - one half of the couple (and you really are two halves of one couple, as well as being your own person) has a deep desire to have children, and the other doesn't...and inevitably if one side caves it not only leads to resentment but it actually hurts the child, too.

Kids pick up on everything. If you're absolutely certain that you do NOT want kids at this point in your life, you need to be honest with yourself and him...and the children who may result from you giving in and going against your deepest wishes.

If nothing else, put him and you aside and think of the children. Kids know. They're little sponges who absorb things even when they can't articulate what they're feeling as a result.

If it were me, I'd stand my ground and I'd have to seriously consider whether or not I want to stay in the relationship. This isn't a new car you're disagreeing over; this is another life.

Good luck - stick to your guns.