He wants kids, I don't....
I'm at my breaking point with this struggle. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school. We were together through me going to 4 years of college- I've been graduated for almost 3 years now, we’ve lived together for the last 2. This was never an issue until his mother (:grumble: ) started bringing it up ALL the time.... Which has led him to think that we need to settle down, buy a house, have kids, the whole shebang...
I went to college for art, and I'm now a graphic designer. Throughout this whole relationship, I've always said that after college I didn't want to settle down for at least 5-6 years because I wanted to get my career on track first. I want to eventually move either South or to a bigger city with more job opportunities for me, but for now I’m working my first job and gaining experience so I can get a better (higher paying) job. He always agreed with this and said that it’s ok, he understands. I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know. And it was never a huge issue. But now, his brother is dating a girl who has a 3-year old. So that’s not helping the situation. His mother is pushing him every time she sees him, which makes me think that this is all happening because he thinks that what we’re *supposed* to do. Other people are pushing for their own selfish reasons and not thinking of us as a couple. No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.
I’ve been considering asking him if he will go to couples therapy with me to get to the bottom of this, to see if it’s actually him wanting these things or if it’s just what he thinks we’re supposed to do because everyone says we should. He’s agreed to therapy before, now I just need to pull the trigger… But I think I’m just scared of what may come out of it.
I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?
I went to college for art, and I'm now a graphic designer. Throughout this whole relationship, I've always said that after college I didn't want to settle down for at least 5-6 years because I wanted to get my career on track first. I want to eventually move either South or to a bigger city with more job opportunities for me, but for now I’m working my first job and gaining experience so I can get a better (higher paying) job. He always agreed with this and said that it’s ok, he understands. I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know. And it was never a huge issue. But now, his brother is dating a girl who has a 3-year old. So that’s not helping the situation. His mother is pushing him every time she sees him, which makes me think that this is all happening because he thinks that what we’re *supposed* to do. Other people are pushing for their own selfish reasons and not thinking of us as a couple. No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.
I’ve been considering asking him if he will go to couples therapy with me to get to the bottom of this, to see if it’s actually him wanting these things or if it’s just what he thinks we’re supposed to do because everyone says we should. He’s agreed to therapy before, now I just need to pull the trigger… But I think I’m just scared of what may come out of it.
I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?
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Replies
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Just tell him to have kids with someone else.0
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I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.0
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Just tell him to have kids with someone else.
Geez... Why didn't I think of that? :huh:0 -
what is it you are scared you might hear, exactly? You need to do what you have been saying and not give in or up just to conform.0
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Sounds like you are heading down different paths. While you shouldn't be forced to have kids you don't want, if he truly does want them, he may resent you down the road if you don't. If you are serious about staying together, you both need to decide what is most important to you. I know for me, I changed a lot in my 20's, and while I didn't want kids in my mid 20's by the time I was approaching 30 I did. If it's a case of you never want them, and he absolutely does, it may be a deal breaker.0
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I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.0 -
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No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.
oh.0 -
I think it's you who needs to really think about what you want. If you for sure don't want to have kids then tell him he needs to find someone who does want to have kids with him. And End The Relationship. I don't think it''s just his mom pushing the whole marriage/children on him... It's been 8 years! Maybe he is actually ready now. Maybe his brother's girlfriend brought your man a feeling of wanting a family of his own.... most women would be thrilled to have their man want to get married and start a family. I understand you want to be more stable but it also sounds like you aren't completely there with him anymore... Just my opinion, I could be wrong.0
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I think that if he's willing to go to counseling with you, you should go. The decision whether or not to have kids is a powerfully emotional one and can have life-long fall-out if one of you is forced to go against their desires. You might be right that he is being pushed by his mom, and he needs to figure out for himself what he really wants. Hence the counseling. I can understand your unwillingness to rock the boat by potentially finding out that you guys might be incompatible in this area, but better now than when you've invested even more time in the relationship. If he truly wants kids and you don't, it can lead to resentment and bitterness down the road. Good luck. And congrats on your achievements!
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Living with the situation "as is" doesn't seem like it's one unending fun-ride for you. You'll need to address it and decide what to do if he can't respect your wishes (stay with him or breakup). Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.0
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You also can't leave him in limbo by saying "you may never want kids"... Gotta let him know so he can make the decision of whether to stay with you.0
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Hopefully couples therapy will help, but he needs to think whether he really wants kids or if its just because of his mum. It is a big responsibility, and you need to absolutely sure you are both ready. I think you should stick to your guns, if you don't want kids then you shouldn't be forced to have them-its your body and its your choice 0
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I have exactly the same problem. We've been together 6.5 years, engaged and I have told him time and time again that I don't want them. He has said he is fine with this but I think he is hoping that I will change my mind, which I won't. His younger sister has just had her first and although we're not getting pressured, its the christening next week and I know people will start saying things. His Mum keeps speaking about 'when I change my my mind' (again, I've told her I won't) and that it is just a phase. He is an absolute natural with kids and I can't help but feel that I am holding him back from something he truely wants, which isn't fair. But, if I bring it up he continues to tell me its fine etc. I just don't want to get ten years down the line (I'm 28 years old now) and him regret or resent it all. Its easy to say ' but you told him so thats his fault' but it doesn't help the nagging feeling that it's still mine.
I really hope you find an answer, I know it's not a solution but you're not alone x0 -
So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.0 -
Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.0
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This is indeed a serious issue, personally my wife and I both don't want kids. Honestly how can you expect to change his mind, how can he expect to change yours. If one of you have to cave in for the other, issues are going to come up down the road, resentment being the first on the list. If you actually want them and need some time, then he should be more understanding of that situation.0
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I have exactly the same problem. We've been together 6.5 years, engaged and I have told him time and time again that I don't want them. He has said he is fine with this but I think he is hoping that I will change my mind, which I won't. His younger sister has just had her first and although we're not getting pressured, its the christening next week and I know people will start saying things. His Mum keeps speaking about 'when I change my my mind' (again, I've told her I won't) and that it is just a phase. He is an absolute natural with kids and I can't help but feel that I am holding him back from something he truely wants, which isn't fair. But, if I bring it up he continues to tell me its fine etc. I just don't want to get ten years down the line (I'm 28 years old now) and him regret or resent it all. Its easy to say ' but you told him so thats his fault' but it doesn't help the nagging feeling that it's still mine.
I really hope you find an answer, I know it's not a solution but you're not alone x
At least you are being clear and straight forward with him.0 -
stick with your career you can alway adopt kids down the road0
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I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know.
Right here, you're giving him something to hold on to. So if you don't want kids and he does there really isn't any way that this will end well for either of you.0 -
are you really listening to him.... you say you *think* that he's just giving in to pressure from society and his family.... but maybe he actually really does want kids. Are you prepared to hear that from him? It's hard to tell from a post there's just the words you typed, but I get the impression that you want him to go to couple counselling so he can find out that he only wants kids out of societal pressure... but what if you go do couple counselling and it turns out that he really wants kids?
This is not a small issue at all, and really it's one where both partners need to be on the same page, and if they're not then it's probably better to go their separate ways. you can't force a man who wants kids to never have kids, that's really unfair. The desire to have kids is a really primal one, and it's not something you get to do at any time in your life either, especially if you want a chance to see your grandkids grow up... some people are more family and kids orientated than others. You can't force him to be childless for you................. and at the same time he can't force you to have kids either, it's a huge responsibility, and if you don't want kids you shouldn't have them (okay accidents happen and most women change their minds about wanting them when they do) because you're responsible for a small human being's emotional health for their whole life pretty much, and kids need parents who are 100% committed to them.
So you can't force him not to have kids... he can't force you to have kids.... if you don't want the same thing in this respect it's probably better to call it a day and go your separate ways, let him find someone who wants kids, and you find someone else who doesn't want kids. That's probably not the answer you wanted to hear, but this really is a huge issue, it's not like choosing furniture or whether you live in a flat or an apartment. There is no compromising.0 -
Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.
QFT
Think about it. If you're having issues with him possibly going along with his mother's wishes, think how much harder it will be if you two actually get married. Go to counseling and really get to the bottom of it. Otherwise, you're in for a bumpy ride with a mama's boy (eek).0 -
Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
I dated my college boyfriend for 6 years (4 of them after we graduated). He brought up moving in together many times. I said no every time, not because I didn't love him or even because I didn't want to share a home with him. It was because I knew it would send the message that I was ready to settle down, start thinking about marriage, starting a family, and making that family the biggest focus of my life. I wasn't anywhere near ready for that.
I know, I know, it's 2013 and women can have it all. Well, you can't have it all without considering what other people want and need, as well. If you and your boyfriend really can't come to a consensus on this, maybe your relationship has run its course.0 -
Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.
THIS... A million times. Is what I keep thinking....0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.
Yes, that will be rough BUT, you both need to do what makes you happy. Could be that he's agreed to whatever all along because he doesn't care as long as you two are together BUT maybe all this baby talk has caused him to think differently about how he wants his future/life to go. Also, it sounds like your future plans are all based on what YOU want. What about what HE wants?
My husband and I have been on both sides of this. Originally I wanted the dream (white picket fence, 2 kids and a dog, etc) but he was hesitant Then he started wanting the dream at a point that I decided I wasn't ready. At both times, we had some serious talks and came to agreements that both were happy with. Point is, people change as the years pass...
Either way, you two need to talk about it. I'm not sure counseling is the answer but if you can't sit down and have an honest talk with each other to hash it all out, that may be what it takes.
And please don't play mind games or make deals as some others have suggested. Real relationships aren't based on a foundation of BS and trickery...smh0 -
So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
Yes, lie to this man you're ostensibly in love with. That's a very mature, adult thing to do.0 -
Definitely should get it everything out in the open or at least revisit what is important to you both. You guys were relatively young when you first started dating. Many people start to discover what they want in life once they age into their late 20's sometimes early thirties especially when it comes to relationships.
I can certainly understand you being scared for change in your status as it seems you are more of the structured in your nature. What it all comes down to, are you both happy in the direction you are going. Happiness is the key to life above all else.0 -
People change, goals change, desires change, all the time and at any age. It may be that his are changing while yours are not. He may be being influenced by what he sees/hears around him, but that doesn't and shouldn't discount that his desire to start a family now (or soon) may be real. Best advise, get to the truth of it sooner than later. I married a man who knew I could not have kids (already had one and had my tubes tied) it was the worst mistake ever! He said he was okay with it, but turns out he wasn't... at all. Suffice it to say we are no longer married and that was the best decision for both of us!0
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Go to therapy. Your idea is good.0
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My aunt (a lawyer) and her husband went down this road. She was not interested in kids due to her career and he was but it obviously wasn't a dealbreaker because they remained together and childless. When my aunt was in her mid thirties she wanted a child but her husband had got used to their current life and lifesyle and no longer wanted them. It wasn't a dealbreaker for her either because they're still together.
You should definitely get to the bottom of this because it's a legit dealbreaker and deserves your attention now.0
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