He wants kids, I don't....

bcf7683

I'm at my breaking point with this struggle. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years now. We met when I was a senior in high school. We were together through me going to 4 years of college- I've been graduated for almost 3 years now, we’ve lived together for the last 2. This was never an issue until his mother (:grumble: ) started bringing it up ALL the time.... Which has led him to think that we need to settle down, buy a house, have kids, the whole shebang...

I went to college for art, and I'm now a graphic designer. Throughout this whole relationship, I've always said that after college I didn't want to settle down for at least 5-6 years because I wanted to get my career on track first. I want to eventually move either South or to a bigger city with more job opportunities for me, but for now I’m working my first job and gaining experience so I can get a better (higher paying) job. He always agreed with this and said that it’s ok, he understands. I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know. And it was never a huge issue. But now, his brother is dating a girl who has a 3-year old. So that’s not helping the situation. His mother is pushing him every time she sees him, which makes me think that this is all happening because he thinks that what we’re *supposed* to do. Other people are pushing for their own selfish reasons and not thinking of us as a couple. No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.

I’ve been considering asking him if he will go to couples therapy with me to get to the bottom of this, to see if it’s actually him wanting these things or if it’s just what he thinks we’re supposed to do because everyone says we should. He’s agreed to therapy before, now I just need to pull the trigger… But I think I’m just scared of what may come out of it.
I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has any advice or if they know anyone who has gone through a similar struggle?

spade117

Just tell him to have kids with someone else.

WhatAnAss

I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.

bcf7683

Just tell him to have kids with someone else.

Geez... Why didn't I think of that? :huh:

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

what is it you are scared you might hear, exactly? You need to do what you have been saying and not give in or up just to conform.

tavinsmom

Sounds like you are heading down different paths. While you shouldn't be forced to have kids you don't want, if he truly does want them, he may resent you down the road if you don't. If you are serious about staying together, you both need to decide what is most important to you. I know for me, I changed a lot in my 20's, and while I didn't want kids in my mid 20's by the time I was approaching 30 I did. If it's a case of you never want them, and he absolutely does, it may be a deal breaker.

bcf7683

I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.

Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.

PaleoChocolateBear

Capt_Apollo

No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself.

oh.

Maribel_1986

I think it's you who needs to really think about what you want. If you for sure don't want to have kids then tell him he needs to find someone who does want to have kids with him. And End The Relationship. I don't think it''s just his mom pushing the whole marriage/children on him... It's been 8 years! Maybe he is actually ready now. Maybe his brother's girlfriend brought your man a feeling of wanting a family of his own.... most women would be thrilled to have their man want to get married and start a family. I understand you want to be more stable but it also sounds like you aren't completely there with him anymore... Just my opinion, I could be wrong.

TAMayorga

I think that if he's willing to go to counseling with you, you should go. The decision whether or not to have kids is a powerfully emotional one and can have life-long fall-out if one of you is forced to go against their desires. You might be right that he is being pushed by his mom, and he needs to figure out for himself what he really wants. Hence the counseling. I can understand your unwillingness to rock the boat by potentially finding out that you guys might be incompatible in this area, but better now than when you've invested even more time in the relationship. If he truly wants kids and you don't, it can lead to resentment and bitterness down the road. Good luck. And congrats on your achievements!

TheBitSlinger

Living with the situation "as is" doesn't seem like it's one unending fun-ride for you. You'll need to address it and decide what to do if he can't respect your wishes (stay with him or breakup). Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.

Maribel_1986

You also can't leave him in limbo by saying "you may never want kids"... Gotta let him know so he can make the decision of whether to stay with you.

suzyfj8

Hopefully couples therapy will help, but he needs to think whether he really wants kids or if its just because of his mum. It is a big responsibility, and you need to absolutely sure you are both ready. I think you should stick to your guns, if you don't want kids then you shouldn't be forced to have them-its your body and its your choice

SmashBob1984

I have exactly the same problem. We've been together 6.5 years, engaged and I have told him time and time again that I don't want them. He has said he is fine with this but I think he is hoping that I will change my mind, which I won't. His younger sister has just had her first and although we're not getting pressured, its the christening next week and I know people will start saying things. His Mum keeps speaking about 'when I change my my mind' (again, I've told her I won't) and that it is just a phase. He is an absolute natural with kids and I can't help but feel that I am holding him back from something he truely wants, which isn't fair. But, if I bring it up he continues to tell me its fine etc. I just don't want to get ten years down the line (I'm 28 years old now) and him regret or resent it all. Its easy to say ' but you told him so thats his fault' but it doesn't help the nagging feeling that it's still mine.

I really hope you find an answer, I know it's not a solution but you're not alone x

JenAndSome

So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.

BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.

aboz13

Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.

james6998

This is indeed a serious issue, personally my wife and I both don't want kids. Honestly how can you expect to change his mind, how can he expect to change yours. If one of you have to cave in for the other, issues are going to come up down the road, resentment being the first on the list. If you actually want them and need some time, then he should be more understanding of that situation.

Maribel_1986

I have exactly the same problem. We've been together 6.5 years, engaged and I have told him time and time again that I don't want them. He has said he is fine with this but I think he is hoping that I will change my mind, which I won't. His younger sister has just had her first and although we're not getting pressured, its the christening next week and I know people will start saying things. His Mum keeps speaking about 'when I change my my mind' (again, I've told her I won't) and that it is just a phase. He is an absolute natural with kids and I can't help but feel that I am holding him back from something he truely wants, which isn't fair. But, if I bring it up he continues to tell me its fine etc. I just don't want to get ten years down the line (I'm 28 years old now) and him regret or resent it all. Its easy to say ' but you told him so thats his fault' but it doesn't help the nagging feeling that it's still mine.

I really hope you find an answer, I know it's not a solution but you're not alone x

At least you are being clear and straight forward with him.

michael1976_ca

stick with your career you can alway adopt kids down the road

Mia_RagazzaTosta

I’ve always said that the option of having kids is THE farthest thing from my mind right now- I may never want them. I don’t know.

Right here, you're giving him something to hold on to. So if you don't want kids and he does there really isn't any way that this will end well for either of you.