He wants kids, I don't....
Replies
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He's always going to want kids, you always won't. It won't change. I'm sorry but that's a huge sticking point in a relationship. Maybe it's time to end it and find someone who thinks like you!0
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I would definitely try couples counseling. Though you may be afraid of what you will find out through therapy, you and your boyfriend need to be on the same page as far as your future. If he truly wants children for his own reasons, but you decide you do not want children at all, you may have to rethink your relationship. The fact of the matter is, the last thing either of you would want to do is force the other to have a life they do not want. It wouldn't be far for you to deny him children if he truly wants them, but it also isn't fair for you to be forced into having children if you do not want them. Having children isn't like buying a dog. I have three children and I also go to school full time. It is difficult to raise children and still pursue your goals because being a parent is a 24/7/365 commitment. Do whatever you have to in order to find out what is best for both of you, even if that means you have to end your relationship after so much time. Best of luck to you, I truly hope you figure everything out.0
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Doesn't your BF deserve what makes HIM happy, too?I would like to interject that people who have not attended college or who work in jobs that *you* wouldn't consider "professional careers" are still perfectly capable of feeling the desire to have a satisfying life. Attending college or have a different "better" job does not make you more entitled to your goals and dreams than your boyfriend.
You can try counseling. But kids are usually a deal-breaker. It's not fair for you to ask him to put his wishes on hold to wait several years for you to accomplish your dreams while the risk remains that at the end of it, you still may not want children.
The point I was trying to make is that all of his family graduated high school, got a job, got married, had kids within 3 years. They don't get that I have other goals that don't include those things yet.
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.
You want to have everything your way and keep the relationship. You need to have a serious talk with him. but you have to be willing to accept that you may need to end the relationship.
That doesn't mean you're right and he's wrong or he's right and you're wrong. It simply means you want very different things for your lives and they aren't compatible. It happens.0 -
Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
Genesis 1:28 - "Be fruitful and multiply"
Hmm, quite the conundrum now.
Deut. 25:11
When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.0 -
Those things made them happy, and I deserve what makes me happy. I shouldn't be considered selfish or self-righteous for wanting to be successful.
It's a horrible situation.
TBH I never had to have this debate with my man, but with my own parents!!
I come from a very staunch working class background. Dad a lorry driver, mum was stay-at home mum, home carer for elderly relatives and later a part-time factory worker. Neither have had opportunity for education beyond age 15 and 16 respectively. Their aspirations for me were limited by their own experience.
I always wanted to go to University (originally I wanted to do medicine but ended up doing psychology) and my parents just didn't understand why anyone would want to stay in "school" longer than they had to. My mother never understood why I wanted to earn my own money. She come from a family line where the woman is unquestioningly provided for by a husband, and in turn she cooks, cleans, is a mother and a carer to elderly relatives. That's how things worked in their mind and we had a hard time meeting in the middle between them understanding my perspective and me theirs.
Then when after 30-odd years I still hadn't provided any grand children for them, they made me feel like I had totally messed THEIR life up somehow with my decision.
It's not easy sometimes, but you've got to stick with what feels right for you! :flowerforyou:0 -
I was married for 10 years with someone who always wanted to have children. I don't. Never will.
We were young when we married but after 10 years we were at different stages of our lives, and he really wanted kids. Needless to say that we divorced. The divorce wasn't final when he already having a baby. After 4 years apart, he now has two children.
I always knew I didn't want to have children, so I guess the choice for me was easier than if your not sure.0 -
I am struggling with this now, though slightly difference circumstances. My husband and I have been married 3 years, together for 6 years. In the begining we both wanted children and wanted to settle down so that is how we set up for our life together to proceed. We bought a house, got a dog, both work full time... but ever since we got married our parents have been expectant of us startng a family and sometimes downright pushy about it. Part of this I know is because my sister-in-law has 3 kids with a 4th on the way and is only 2 years older than my husband... but I am 5.5 years younger than he is and have a few things I'd like to do for myself before starting a family (like losing weight and quitting smoking... I quit smoking last November and am working on the weight loss now). We have been to couples' counseling but it didn't help us. My husband is convinced that I've done a complete 180 since we've met and no longer want children when the truth is that I want to have children when it's right for US, not just because it's expected. My solution? Birth control pills. I refuse to go off of them until I am ready for kids and if he's no longer willing at that point then we can discuss it again at that point but I refused to be bullied into starting a family before I was ready and you should too. It's a huge commitment physically, emotionally, and financially. There is no reason to start before you're ready just because it's expected and if that's something your boyfriend is willing to push then you may need to sit down with him AND his mother to get this straightened out before it ruins your relationship.0
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I think if he truly loves and cares about you, he will respect your decision. I think it is something worth discussing. 8 years is a long time..I know, I have been with my fiance just as long and we been through a lot together, and we are still standing strong. You could change your mind later in the game, who knows. I didn't want kids at first either, but then felt different. I'm even volunteering my time and working with elementary kids which I love and it helps for me..but for some people its a different story. Good luck.
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I just have to put my 2 cents in when I was your age I did not want nor like kids. (except my little brother and sisters) However, when I hit 29 or 30 that "bio clock" started ringing loud and all the sudden I had this innate biological need to reproduce.
If he is worth staying with and your time then dont ruin the relationship. You never know what changes will happen to you in the future.0 -
Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
Solid points!
Totally agree!!!
Er...maybe. If this was the 19th Century. Marriage or 'settling down' does not necessarily imply that children are the "logical" next step, and hasn't done for quite a long time - since effective birth control became widely available, at least. Example: My parents married at 21 and 23, respectively, and chose not to have me until my mother was 34 (with two established careers and joint financial stability). My sister was born when Mum was 39. Many, many people are cohabiting or marrying without kids following hard on the heels of that decision. For my money, OP is being entirely logical focusing on building a career and establishing herself professionally and financially at this point in her life. There's no rush to have kids, and she's very young still - choosing to delay decisions about having children does not mean that the option definitely won't be available to them in five or so years' time, IF they decide that's what they want.
ETA: OP, I think it's very important to talk to your boyfriend about why he wants children now, when your joint plan has always predicted something different. Whether you do that in counselling or in private will depend on your individual situation and personalities. It may be that familial pressure is the cause, and it may be that his feelings/views have significantly changed on the subject. At least if you're talking about it, you'll be able to make decisions with complete information, not just supposition, and it gives you a place to start from if you want to negotiate a compromise in order to maintain the relationship.0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
^ I agree with this 100%. I would also like to add, there is no reason to bring children into the world for someone else's values/desires. Children are human beings with feelings and needs, they are not simply "things" you have because of time frames. If you are not ready for them, what type of parents do you think you will be? Best of luck to you.:flowerforyou:0 -
Ive been in this exact situation and I had to decide: Do I love my wife enough to compromise, and my answer is "Yes, I do
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and btw, a women bears the kids and most of the responsibility of raising them (yes I know there are exceptions ....)
so ultimately its a woman's body and a woman's decision. The man can accept that or leave
and the woman has to have the BLEEP to tell the man exactly that
(btw im very happily married 26 years)0 -
What I'm seeing is a lot of ME, ME, ME ME.
Tell your b/f he needs to cut bait now and move one while you have your wonderful career.
^ This!
However... I don't think you are wrong in wanting what you want just don't make someone else think they can't have what they want until you get what you need. Good luck. It seems like this relationship may have run its course.0 -
Ive been in this exact situation and I had to decide: Do I love my wife enough to compromise, and my answer is "Yes, I do "
and btw, a women bears the kids and most of the responsibility of raising them (yes I know there are exceptions ....)
so ultimately its a woman's body and a woman's decision. The man can accept that or leave
and the woman has to have the BLEEP to tell the man exactly that
(btw im very happily married 26 years)
Aww, your wife is lucky to have you 0 -
Aren't there like half a dozen Greys Anatomy episodes about this?
**Edited because I said isn't instead of aren't-phew close one**0 -
This....this covers all I was thinking.Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
I dated my college boyfriend for 6 years (4 of them after we graduated). He brought up moving in together many times. I said no every time, not because I didn't love him or even because I didn't want to share a home with him. It was because I knew it would send the message that I was ready to settle down, start thinking about marriage, starting a family, and making that family the biggest focus of my life. I wasn't anywhere near ready for that.
I know, I know, it's 2013 and women can have it all. Well, you can't have it all without considering what other people want and need, as well. If you and your boyfriend really can't come to a consensus on this, maybe your relationship has run its course.
And I'll add some randomness...parents who take the time to go out on their own without there kids exist...and do quite well. My parents are on their way to their 40 year anniversary and they went on trips without us...and we went on family trips.
...Kids don't end your life...they enrich it but if you know you don't want them, don't have them but you can't expect someone to keep waiting and waiting..
People that let everything else fall apart after having kids...well they're doing something wrong. ..
And not that this matters.....but I don't yet have kids and I'm going to Disney for the first time at 32 years old lol. My parents have been there and I haven't!0 -
Suggest having a break for 2 years - you can concentrate on your career - he can see if he can find someone more suited to what he wants. If you're both no further forward in 2 years get back together and see if things have changed. If you're a high flying city lady and he's at home with a wife and kids - then you know it was the right thing.0
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Do not have kids just because he wants them if you are not 100% on board as well. At your age I had absolutely no interest in having kids. When I was a little girl I didn't play with dolls and dream of being a mother some day. I never ever wanted to have kids at all. I wanted a career that involved travel and I didn't want to settle down. And that's what I did. I loved every minute of it. Then I hit 43 and all of a sudden I wanted a baby. So my husband and I adopted a baby and it turned out to be perfect. I now love being a Mom but I definitely was not ready to be one earlier in my life. I had to wait until the time was right for me.0
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So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
"that buys you three years"? "I'm just trying to buy you time"....WOW.... talk about playing with someone's feeling and just stringing them along. Don't do that. Like others have said, people change. The closer I get to 30 the more I want children, and I was iffy about having them when I was younger. But the point is that at this point in your life you should have an idea of whether you want them at all. Yes, it could be his mom nosing around, but how do you know he didn't mention to her the fact that he wants kids and you are in limbo about them. Just need to talk to him.
You're are absolutely right. My advice is horrible. I saw the wanting to settle down after 5-6 years and mistook that for wanting to settle down in 5-6 years and make babies and whatnot. My mistake. There is definitely more at play and just buying time isn't going to solve anything.0 -
"No one in his family ever went to college and none of them have a professional career (work in mills, factories, etc.) so I feel that none of them understand what I’m going through with trying to establish a satisfying career for myself."
I believe you believe you ARE better than them.
Let him know it is HIS loss and leave.
I think that's a bit unfair.
I think what she is saying is that his family come from a background where perhaps due to lack of opportunities they have never questioned traditional gender roles, so perhaps they truly can't relate to her desire to have a higher education, qualify in something, have a career. That doesn't necessarily mean the OP sees herself as "superior" to them.
She has stated that because they "in her opinion" did not have an education, therefore they couldn't possibly be satisfied with their career.
That is an arrogant statement...0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
I would stick to your guns honey. Pursue your dreams and career. It is your life after all and you should be happy! Kids are sweet / cute etc, but parenting is not for everyone!
GOOD LUCK! :flowerforyou:0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...0 -
Who said you can't have a career and have kids as well?
Seems strange to me.
Anyways, if you don't want kids, and he does, he deserves to be with someone who has the same life goals as him. And not be waiting for 6 years for you to tell him nevermind you don't want kids at all.0 -
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So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
......someone here gets it.0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
......someone here gets it.
you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
......someone here gets it.
you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.
At least someone here gets it....
baha<30 -
I understand what you are saying. If he's not the one bringing it up to you but only when his mother says something to you, I truly think he doesn't want kids. I think he's trying to make his mother happy. I don't believe that someone actually said that your decision to not have kids at an early age was based on not experiencing life. I think a lot of people are choosing early on not to have kids. This is only the tip of the ice burg. Because if you do end up married who's to say that his family won't be directly involved in everything?
If he bought a Harley and is talking about spending a boatload of money he doesn't want kids. He can't travel on a motorcycle with you if a) you're pregnant or b) have a baby unless he plans on dropping off the child with someone. But then what's the point of having a kid if some one else is going to raise it. He's doing what's expected of him because you have been in a long term relationship. I see this far too much with my friends. We have couple friends that were together for only 1 year, engaged for a year then married now before their second year of marriage are having a baby (because of expectations from family). 3 of our friends have gotten married because of pressure from family and 2 of those couples are now divorced. I on the other hand have been with my bf for 7 years and no plans to get married at all even though we are constantly asked when.
I think you voicing that you don't want kids now or never should be his cue to say (if he's serious about babies) "ok then we need to go our separate ways". I think you are correct in trying to get an outside opinion from someone who doesn't know you. Good luck with the therapy. If he knew this from the beginning then none of this should come as a surprise to him. Maybe he thought you'd change your mind. My sister is almost 40 no kids, long term relationship, told the guy "don't want kids", he's cool with it even though he wants one. I wouldn't give in to pressure from family or him if it's something you're passionately dead set against. Nothing wrong with that and don't ever let anyone make you think different. I think you're a successful woman who is driven and knows what she wants and doesn't and if no one can understand why you don't want to be "barefoot and pregnant" (not that you'd have to give up your job but being a mom is hard work) then those people should just shut up and stay out of your business.
yeah i kind of agree with you OP and this. it does sound like pressure talking. & another thing to find out from him (in therapy or wherever) is if his idea of what having kids looks like means you get to do all the parenting & he gets to ride his Harley & hang out with his buds all the time.0 -
So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
......someone here gets it.
you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.
Yes, I assume that I would be biased in my own post when there is someone who understands what I'm thinking.0 -
Most of us understand what you're thinking.So sorry to hear you are going through this!!!! I understand! Luckily, my hubby of 10 years does not want children BUT everybody around us - friends, family etc - have kids and they ask us fairly often why don't we want kids or when are we going to have them.
Yeah. We get this... I think a lot of people do it due to some need for external validation of their own choices, e.g. "if everyone else does what we've done then we've done the right thing" ... it's usually followed by ill concealed hostility and making you feel like an alien if you don't chose what they've chosen...
......someone here gets it.
you're a bit biased in your presumption simply because you are singling out a post and saying that they get it, purely based upon what you want to hear.
Yes, I assume that I would be biased in my own post when there is someone who understands what I'm thinking.
You're thinking that you have never been with another man and this one has been in your life for a really long time and you love him and can't imagine being with anyone else.
So you're trying to create a scenario where he doesn't REALLY want what he says he wants and you can stay together and live happily ever after in the world that you have created where YOUR needs and wants matter and he loves you so much that he decides his aren't so important.
I know that sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be. I do get it.
The problem is, you aren't high school kids anymore. You're adults. He has changed his mind about what he wants. It's not fair to him for you to insist things be YOUR WAY just because when you were starting out togethr IN HIGH SCHOOL, he agreed with you.
He doesn't have to prove his love for you by giving up on something this important. You can't compromise on this point. You're either going to have children or you're not. And while you may change your mind down the road, it isn't fair to ask him to wait and see. Because you might not change your mind.
What he wants and needs is as important as what you want and need. If you can't have those things together, you need to not be together. That's what being an adult is about, and that's what truly loving someone is about.0
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