He wants kids, I don't....

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  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
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    Also, sometimes people just outgrow eachother. It's not like meeting someone in your 30's who doesn't want kids. I didn't want kids at 19-22 either! I NEVER wanted kids. Ask me how many I'd have if hubby didn't get snipped? lol More than 2, that's for sure! I love kids - every time I hold a niece or nephew my ovaries start aching lol.
  • LumpySpacePrincess1
    LumpySpacePrincess1 Posts: 388 Member
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    IMO you should just split up now. This will always be a point of tension and will eventually, if not already, lead to resentment.
    While you don't want ids, he does. Trying to get him into therapy to convince him he's been brainwashed by society sounds about as great an idea as him doing that to you.
    Let him go while he doesn't need Viagra to get an erection.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.

    Bingo.

    My x-husband tried this with me after I had JUST spent 70 k, 3 years in university and was about 6 months away from graduating with a degree. I had never once told him i was interested in having kids - actually I always said I did NOT.

    Either you guys need to sit down and have a good long talk or if you can't do it on your own get some help. Children are a BIG decision which shouldn't be something you just do to make someone else happy or something you refrain from doing for the same reasons. You both need to decide if this is a deal breaker and if it is then you need to move on because it will only cause you problems down the road. DO it now before you have the baggage of being 'married' and possibly pregnant and resentful.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    What I can tell you is this:

    I decided when my daughter was about 10 that I did not want any more children. I am an only child and my mother loves kids, so this was a problem for her. She was VERY pushy about the idea of me having more. Other people kept saying, "You'll meet someone and change your mind." My SO, even though when we met we both said we didn't want more kids (he has one), a couple times started talking about having a baby together.

    Through all of that, I never once gave even a little buit of ground. I DID NOT want a baby and I knew I never was going to want another baby. I never had a single second of doubt.

    If your BF is being influenced by these outside forces, he is not settled on his decision. He wants kids.

    If you have been together since high school you're what? 25? 26? You made a decision at a very young age without really experiencing life when you made it. Chances were very good one of you was going to change his or her mind.

    Counseling is a good idea, but be prepared to realize you both want very different things and the relationship may end over it.
  • LumpySpacePrincess1
    LumpySpacePrincess1 Posts: 388 Member
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    So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.

    BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.


    "that buys you three years"? "I'm just trying to buy you time"....WOW.... talk about playing with someone's feeling and just stringing them along. Don't do that. Like others have said, people change. The closer I get to 30 the more I want children, and I was iffy about having them when I was younger. But the point is that at this point in your life you should have an idea of whether you want them at all. Yes, it could be his mom nosing around, but how do you know he didn't mention to her the fact that he wants kids and you are in limbo about them. Just need to talk to him.
    What she said. Are you insane or just a horrible person? Both? K.
    Why not let that person have what he wants with someone else rather than delaying the bad news that "Hey, uterus is closed down forever! Ha! Gotcha."
  • askeates
    askeates Posts: 1,490 Member
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    You need to remind him (if you haven't already) the plans you had already discussed and agreed upon.

    We all know and understand that sometimes plans change, however, if this is still the plan you feel strongly about, make sure he understands this. It may be that he is rushing because everyone around him is rushing, but it could also be that he actually does feel ready. If you're not, he needs to understand it.

    I would only go the councelling route if you discuss it with him first (and I mean REALLY discuss) and he doesn't agree.

    If this is a relationship that is going to go anywhere at all you have to be able to have these kinds of talks!
  • CookNLift
    CookNLift Posts: 3,660 Member
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    Shouldn't have kids unless you're both ready to get married and commit. Just because you don't want them now doesn't mean you'll never want them. Just tell him you want to be established in your career before you add another responsibility and stress into your life. He'll understand. And in all honesty ask him if you can say your mind to his mother and tell her that you're not ready to have kids and don't feel it is her place to push him or you into anything because it isn't her relationship
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
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    Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."



    Solid points!
  • blueboxgeek
    blueboxgeek Posts: 574 Member
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    You don't need therapy, you just need to talk. Lol

    That was the first thing I thought lol. Yes I agree that therapy can be very good for couples, but what would he say to a therapist that he wouldn't say to you.

    Make it clear to him, that if he definitely needs to have kids in his life then you guys will probably end up breaking up. If he says he still does then I guess he genuinely does want them and it's not just his mothers influence.

    It's perfectly normal for a guy who enjoys going out clubbing with friends to actually want to settle down and have kids. Maybe his mum put the idea in his head in the first place, but surely he wouldn't risk losing you just over trying to please his mum?
  • vytamindi
    vytamindi Posts: 845 Member
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    Gotcha.

    Sorry... this comment goes perfectly with your avatar.
  • just_Jennie1
    just_Jennie1 Posts: 1,233
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    Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."

    This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.

    Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.

    Honestly though it depends on what sort of a lifestyle they're used to. This was a HUGE factor in our decision for not having children. Sure we can go out but "going out" with children is significantly different than going out with just your SO as is vacationing with children. No one is going to go away for a week without their kids and I'm not going to spend all my vacations at Disney or "kid friendly" resorts.

    To imply that things don't change once you have children -- lifestyle, money, the way you live -- is just wrong because it does. SIGNIFICANTLY.
  • flhedinger
    flhedinger Posts: 35
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    Wow, I have heard this one before, but in reverse. My best friend from Va. dated a girl for over 5 years and when they met neither wanted kids. I would say they were like 22 when they met and also just getting into their careers. It was great for a while and the longer together she must have heard the baby / grandkids message from her mom and others and slowly started wanting them between the 3 and 4 year mark. It started to cause small arguments over nothing and eneded up tearing them apart after 5 years together. She confided in my friends sister that it was not the arguments that did it, it was her growing displeasure that he would not even consider kids and she felt that had become a dealbreaker. It was sad to see because they were great together.
    First let me say that 8 years is a LONG time to just throw away. I know because I was with my first wife a total of 8 1/2 and tried to save that to no avail. The counciling is a good start in my opinion. I get you wanting to get established in a career before even thinking of kids which seems pretty responsible to me. Your page says you are 24, so you have plenty of time to do kids if you choose too. With any luck the counciling will get to the heart of all the issues so they can be discussed in a healthy forum. If you are really unsure and need to get a carreer going first he needs to understand that and why - not that you just don't want kids right now. There is a GOOD reason. Also get into why he feels the need for them so suddenly and if it is just the pressure of his mother. Maybe you guys can agree on a time table at which this can be brought up again. It will come down to whether or not you really love each other and want to work out a plan together that works for everyone. Hopefully that will be the case. You both deserve to be happy and hopefully that can be together. 8 years certainly deserves some dialogue and an attempt to salvage. My current wife and I do a great job of communication and compromise and we are working on year 10. Best of luck to you both. :)

    This is great advice, and I second it. You need to enter into a loving and constructive conversation, whether just the two of you or through therapy, and do your best to each hear, really hear, where the other is and where you each want to go. Best of luck to you. I don't think you are necessarily at an impasse in your relationship, but clear communication is definitely going to be your best way forward.
  • superfox12082
    superfox12082 Posts: 512 Member
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    I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.

    This for sure.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,695 Member
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    Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
    What if the OP is an atheist?

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  • Briko3
    Briko3 Posts: 266 Member
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    It's been proven....if you have kids when you don't want to, you will live a life of 'what-ifs' and if he wants kids and doesn't have them he will live a life of regret. Just make sure you aren't sacrificing too much for your career. There are many families that have done that and regret it later. BUT, if you're not on the same page of something this big, you need to have enough love for each other to let each other go.
  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
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    What are you trying to get out of counseling?!? It sounds like you are trying to convince him he doesn't want kids because you don't rather than just having adult conversations about it. If both of you have different life paths you need to just let go and stop trying to convince him of what he wants. Even if his mom is putting pressure on him, he is a grown adult (I assume) and can make his own decisions. So it is not just his mother putting pressure on him.

    6 years ago I said I would never get married and have kids. Currently I am married and have a kid on the way. People change
  • CookNLift
    CookNLift Posts: 3,660 Member
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    Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."

    I agree and you have to realize too that if you have been with him for this long do you really want to lose someone you love over your own goals. You can always have a career, and who says you can't continue your career when you have kids. It is 2013 as the quoted poster said, and I think that men should share the responsibility of watching the kids just as much as a woman.
  • healthy4life4mykids
    healthy4life4mykids Posts: 84
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    No one, woman or man, should "cave" and have children that are not wanted. Kids are the hardest thing a relationship can endure in my opinion, even when they are planned. No one can realize the stress that having a child causes until they have one. They also are wonderful and make life worth living, but I don't imagine that would be so for a person who would regret being forced into having one. You have a lot of time invested in the relationship, and if there are no other issues and you are generally happy with this man (you can see yourself with him for a very long time) I would try therapy and see if kids is really what he wants or if he just wants the idea. If he really truly does, I would let him go, he needs to find someone with like minded goals, he may resent you in the end otherwise.
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
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    Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."



    Solid points!


    Totally agree!!!

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