He wants kids, I don't....
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Wow, I have heard this one before, but in reverse. My best friend from Va. dated a girl for over 5 years and when they met neither wanted kids. I would say they were like 22 when they met and also just getting into their careers. It was great for a while and the longer together she must have heard the baby / grandkids message from her mom and others and slowly started wanting them between the 3 and 4 year mark. It started to cause small arguments over nothing and eneded up tearing them apart after 5 years together. She confided in my friends sister that it was not the arguments that did it, it was her growing displeasure that he would not even consider kids and she felt that had become a dealbreaker. It was sad to see because they were great together.
First let me say that 8 years is a LONG time to just throw away. I know because I was with my first wife a total of 8 1/2 and tried to save that to no avail. The counciling is a good start in my opinion. I get you wanting to get established in a career before even thinking of kids which seems pretty responsible to me. Your page says you are 24, so you have plenty of time to do kids if you choose too. With any luck the counciling will get to the heart of all the issues so they can be discussed in a healthy forum. If you are really unsure and need to get a carreer going first he needs to understand that and why - not that you just don't want kids right now. There is a GOOD reason. Also get into why he feels the need for them so suddenly and if it is just the pressure of his mother. Maybe you guys can agree on a time table at which this can be brought up again. It will come down to whether or not you really love each other and want to work out a plan together that works for everyone. Hopefully that will be the case. You both deserve to be happy and hopefully that can be together. 8 years certainly deserves some dialogue and an attempt to salvage. My current wife and I do a great job of communication and compromise and we are working on year 10. Best of luck to you both.
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are you really listening to him.... you say you *think* that he's just giving in to pressure from society and his family.... but maybe he actually really does want kids. Are you prepared to hear that from him? It's hard to tell from a post there's just the words you typed, but I get the impression that you want him to go to couple counselling so he can find out that he only wants kids out of societal pressure... but what if you go do couple counselling and it turns out that he really wants kids?
This is not a small issue at all, and really it's one where both partners need to be on the same page, and if they're not then it's probably better to go their separate ways. you can't force a man who wants kids to never have kids, that's really unfair. The desire to have kids is a really primal one, and it's not something you get to do at any time in your life either, especially if you want a chance to see your grandkids grow up... some people are more family and kids orientated than others. You can't force him to be childless for you................. and at the same time he can't force you to have kids either, it's a huge responsibility, and if you don't want kids you shouldn't have them (okay accidents happen and most women change their minds about wanting them when they do) because you're responsible for a small human being's emotional health for their whole life pretty much, and kids need parents who are 100% committed to them.
So you can't force him not to have kids... he can't force you to have kids.... if you don't want the same thing in this respect it's probably better to call it a day and go your separate ways, let him find someone who wants kids, and you find someone else who doesn't want kids. That's probably not the answer you wanted to hear, but this really is a huge issue, it's not like choosing furniture or whether you live in a flat or an apartment. There is no compromising.
I totally get what you're saying. My goal in therapy is seeing if there is a way to work through this (which doesn't look promising, I get this). But I also want to see if he actually DOES want kids. If he does, then I accept that. In that case, parting ways will probably be the answer. But it seems odd to me that it was never an issue until his mother started pushing. He's the kind of guy who loves to go out to bars, hang out with his guy friends until the early morning. Hell, he just bought a brand new Harley (which I love) and he always talks about how much money he wants to throw into it and how he wants to ride to Sturgis and Daytona with me next year. He doesn't seem like he's anywhere near settling down himself, which is why it just strikes me funny that all of a sudden now it's an issue when other people bring it up. He's always said how we don't have the money to get married, etc. I just feel like he's not completely thinking for himself. This is what I hope therapy offers a little clarity towards.0 -
Honestly you BOTH need to decide what you want. You can't say that you 'might' want to have kids 'someday' if you really and truly do not want to have kids. He made it clear to you that he wants them period and you're hemming and hawing over it. Perhaps he is trying to figure out if you honestly want them because what you're saying isn't necessarily saying no but "not right now but some time in the future perhaps." You've been together for 8 years perhaps to him that is the "sometime in the future". You also need to sit down and talk to him about this ASAP and find out if it is truly him that wants to have a child right now or his family's pressure that's causing it. And again you need to let him know up front whether or not you want to have them. Don't waver on the subject. If you don't want them then tell him but if you do want them some time in the future then you need to pick a solid date for that to happen.
My husband and I decided long ago that we don't want to have children and we've stuck to our guns even when my sister had a baby. Even when my mother would ask me when I'm giving her a grandchild. Even when my sister's mother in law (you read that right) would ask when I was having a baby and then proceed to tell me all the reasons why our choice was wrong. Hell, even when people I worked with would stick their nose into my business and ask when I was going to have a kid I stuck to my guns. I let everyone under the sun know that we were in no way shape or form ever having a child and they could wish, hope and dream all they want but it ain't going to happen because it was our decision not theirs.0 -
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Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."0
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It appears you two are not on the same life path. Having been with him for so long at such a young age you probably feel that he HAS to be the person for the rest of your life. Relationships serve purposes for different times of our lives. You have had a wonderful one up to this point, but if your family wants/needs are different then you two need to understand that you aren't meant to be together for the next phase of your life. There is nothing wrong with realizing that and moving on to find the people that will give each of you what you want out of the next phase of your life.
Neither of you should force the other to make compromises that they truly don't want to make. Eventually one of you will come to resent the other person for making you do something you didn't want to do.
I say it's time to part ways if you truly do not want kids. If you just aren't ready then you have to tell him to stop pushing and that you do want a family but not now. Ask him why he is pushing the issue so much. What's the rush? If he has issues with waiting when you are both ready and can both be great parents then I'd say he isn't the right person for you.
Good luck.0 -
If you want kids eventually, but not now, just say so. Shoot, you're only 24, so it's not like you can't wait five years. But if you want an entirely different life and the chance to date around rather than stay with your high school sweetheart, it's best you break things off and get on with your life.0
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It appears you two are not on the same life path. Having been with him for so long at such a young age you probably feel that he HAS to be the person for the rest of your life. Relationships serve purposes for different times of our lives. You have had a wonderful one up to this point, but if your family wants/needs are different then you two need to understand that you aren't meant to be together for the next phase of your life. There is nothing wrong with realizing that and moving on to find the people that will give each of you what you want out of the next phase of your life.
Neither of you should force the other to make compromises that they truly don't want to make. Eventually one of you will come to resent the other person for making you do something you didn't want to do.
I say it's time to part ways if you truly do not want kids. If you just aren't ready then you have to tell him to stop pushing and that you do want a family but not now. Ask him why he is pushing the issue so much. What's the rush? If he has issues with waiting when you are both ready and can both be great parents then I'd say he isn't the right person for you.
Good luck.
Winner winner healthy baked chicken dinner0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.0 -
So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
"that buys you three years"? "I'm just trying to buy you time"....WOW.... talk about playing with someone's feeling and just stringing them along. Don't do that. Like others have said, people change. The closer I get to 30 the more I want children, and I was iffy about having them when I was younger. But the point is that at this point in your life you should have an idea of whether you want them at all. Yes, it could be his mom nosing around, but how do you know he didn't mention to her the fact that he wants kids and you are in limbo about them. Just need to talk to him.0 -
Also, sometimes people just outgrow eachother. It's not like meeting someone in your 30's who doesn't want kids. I didn't want kids at 19-22 either! I NEVER wanted kids. Ask me how many I'd have if hubby didn't get snipped? lol More than 2, that's for sure! I love kids - every time I hold a niece or nephew my ovaries start aching lol.0
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IMO you should just split up now. This will always be a point of tension and will eventually, if not already, lead to resentment.
While you don't want ids, he does. Trying to get him into therapy to convince him he's been brainwashed by society sounds about as great an idea as him doing that to you.
Let him go while he doesn't need Viagra to get an erection.0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Bingo.
My x-husband tried this with me after I had JUST spent 70 k, 3 years in university and was about 6 months away from graduating with a degree. I had never once told him i was interested in having kids - actually I always said I did NOT.
Either you guys need to sit down and have a good long talk or if you can't do it on your own get some help. Children are a BIG decision which shouldn't be something you just do to make someone else happy or something you refrain from doing for the same reasons. You both need to decide if this is a deal breaker and if it is then you need to move on because it will only cause you problems down the road. DO it now before you have the baggage of being 'married' and possibly pregnant and resentful.0 -
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What I can tell you is this:
I decided when my daughter was about 10 that I did not want any more children. I am an only child and my mother loves kids, so this was a problem for her. She was VERY pushy about the idea of me having more. Other people kept saying, "You'll meet someone and change your mind." My SO, even though when we met we both said we didn't want more kids (he has one), a couple times started talking about having a baby together.
Through all of that, I never once gave even a little buit of ground. I DID NOT want a baby and I knew I never was going to want another baby. I never had a single second of doubt.
If your BF is being influenced by these outside forces, he is not settled on his decision. He wants kids.
If you have been together since high school you're what? 25? 26? You made a decision at a very young age without really experiencing life when you made it. Chances were very good one of you was going to change his or her mind.
Counseling is a good idea, but be prepared to realize you both want very different things and the relationship may end over it.0 -
What she said. Are you insane or just a horrible person? Both? K.So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
"that buys you three years"? "I'm just trying to buy you time"....WOW.... talk about playing with someone's feeling and just stringing them along. Don't do that. Like others have said, people change. The closer I get to 30 the more I want children, and I was iffy about having them when I was younger. But the point is that at this point in your life you should have an idea of whether you want them at all. Yes, it could be his mom nosing around, but how do you know he didn't mention to her the fact that he wants kids and you are in limbo about them. Just need to talk to him.
Why not let that person have what he wants with someone else rather than delaying the bad news that "Hey, uterus is closed down forever! Ha! Gotcha."0 -
You need to remind him (if you haven't already) the plans you had already discussed and agreed upon.
We all know and understand that sometimes plans change, however, if this is still the plan you feel strongly about, make sure he understands this. It may be that he is rushing because everyone around him is rushing, but it could also be that he actually does feel ready. If you're not, he needs to understand it.
I would only go the councelling route if you discuss it with him first (and I mean REALLY discuss) and he doesn't agree.
If this is a relationship that is going to go anywhere at all you have to be able to have these kinds of talks!0 -
Shouldn't have kids unless you're both ready to get married and commit. Just because you don't want them now doesn't mean you'll never want them. Just tell him you want to be established in your career before you add another responsibility and stress into your life. He'll understand. And in all honesty ask him if you can say your mind to his mother and tell her that you're not ready to have kids and don't feel it is her place to push him or you into anything because it isn't her relationship0
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Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
Solid points!0 -
You don't need therapy, you just need to talk. Lol
That was the first thing I thought lol. Yes I agree that therapy can be very good for couples, but what would he say to a therapist that he wouldn't say to you.
Make it clear to him, that if he definitely needs to have kids in his life then you guys will probably end up breaking up. If he says he still does then I guess he genuinely does want them and it's not just his mothers influence.
It's perfectly normal for a guy who enjoys going out clubbing with friends to actually want to settle down and have kids. Maybe his mum put the idea in his head in the first place, but surely he wouldn't risk losing you just over trying to please his mum?0 -
Gotcha.
Sorry... this comment goes perfectly with your avatar.0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.
Honestly though it depends on what sort of a lifestyle they're used to. This was a HUGE factor in our decision for not having children. Sure we can go out but "going out" with children is significantly different than going out with just your SO as is vacationing with children. No one is going to go away for a week without their kids and I'm not going to spend all my vacations at Disney or "kid friendly" resorts.
To imply that things don't change once you have children -- lifestyle, money, the way you live -- is just wrong because it does. SIGNIFICANTLY.0 -
Wow, I have heard this one before, but in reverse. My best friend from Va. dated a girl for over 5 years and when they met neither wanted kids. I would say they were like 22 when they met and also just getting into their careers. It was great for a while and the longer together she must have heard the baby / grandkids message from her mom and others and slowly started wanting them between the 3 and 4 year mark. It started to cause small arguments over nothing and eneded up tearing them apart after 5 years together. She confided in my friends sister that it was not the arguments that did it, it was her growing displeasure that he would not even consider kids and she felt that had become a dealbreaker. It was sad to see because they were great together.
First let me say that 8 years is a LONG time to just throw away. I know because I was with my first wife a total of 8 1/2 and tried to save that to no avail. The counciling is a good start in my opinion. I get you wanting to get established in a career before even thinking of kids which seems pretty responsible to me. Your page says you are 24, so you have plenty of time to do kids if you choose too. With any luck the counciling will get to the heart of all the issues so they can be discussed in a healthy forum. If you are really unsure and need to get a carreer going first he needs to understand that and why - not that you just don't want kids right now. There is a GOOD reason. Also get into why he feels the need for them so suddenly and if it is just the pressure of his mother. Maybe you guys can agree on a time table at which this can be brought up again. It will come down to whether or not you really love each other and want to work out a plan together that works for everyone. Hopefully that will be the case. You both deserve to be happy and hopefully that can be together. 8 years certainly deserves some dialogue and an attempt to salvage. My current wife and I do a great job of communication and compromise and we are working on year 10. Best of luck to you both.
This is great advice, and I second it. You need to enter into a loving and constructive conversation, whether just the two of you or through therapy, and do your best to each hear, really hear, where the other is and where you each want to go. Best of luck to you. I don't think you are necessarily at an impasse in your relationship, but clear communication is definitely going to be your best way forward.0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
This for sure.0 -
What if the OP is an atheist?Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Proverb 3:5 Stay true to yourself. No one can achieve your dreams for you. And if your paths are supposed to be together in life than they will be. I know....easier said than done.
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Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
It's been proven....if you have kids when you don't want to, you will live a life of 'what-ifs' and if he wants kids and doesn't have them he will live a life of regret. Just make sure you aren't sacrificing too much for your career. There are many families that have done that and regret it later. BUT, if you're not on the same page of something this big, you need to have enough love for each other to let each other go.0
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What are you trying to get out of counseling?!? It sounds like you are trying to convince him he doesn't want kids because you don't rather than just having adult conversations about it. If both of you have different life paths you need to just let go and stop trying to convince him of what he wants. Even if his mom is putting pressure on him, he is a grown adult (I assume) and can make his own decisions. So it is not just his mother putting pressure on him.
6 years ago I said I would never get married and have kids. Currently I am married and have a kid on the way. People change0 -
Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
I agree and you have to realize too that if you have been with him for this long do you really want to lose someone you love over your own goals. You can always have a career, and who says you can't continue your career when you have kids. It is 2013 as the quoted poster said, and I think that men should share the responsibility of watching the kids just as much as a woman.0 -
No one, woman or man, should "cave" and have children that are not wanted. Kids are the hardest thing a relationship can endure in my opinion, even when they are planned. No one can realize the stress that having a child causes until they have one. They also are wonderful and make life worth living, but I don't imagine that would be so for a person who would regret being forced into having one. You have a lot of time invested in the relationship, and if there are no other issues and you are generally happy with this man (you can see yourself with him for a very long time) I would try therapy and see if kids is really what he wants or if he just wants the idea. If he really truly does, I would let him go, he needs to find someone with like minded goals, he may resent you in the end otherwise.0
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Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
Solid points!
Totally agree!!!0
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