He wants kids, I don't....
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are you really listening to him.... you say you *think* that he's just giving in to pressure from society and his family.... but maybe he actually really does want kids. Are you prepared to hear that from him? It's hard to tell from a post there's just the words you typed, but I get the impression that you want him to go to couple counselling so he can find out that he only wants kids out of societal pressure... but what if you go do couple counselling and it turns out that he really wants kids?
This is not a small issue at all, and really it's one where both partners need to be on the same page, and if they're not then it's probably better to go their separate ways. you can't force a man who wants kids to never have kids, that's really unfair. The desire to have kids is a really primal one, and it's not something you get to do at any time in your life either, especially if you want a chance to see your grandkids grow up... some people are more family and kids orientated than others. You can't force him to be childless for you................. and at the same time he can't force you to have kids either, it's a huge responsibility, and if you don't want kids you shouldn't have them (okay accidents happen and most women change their minds about wanting them when they do) because you're responsible for a small human being's emotional health for their whole life pretty much, and kids need parents who are 100% committed to them.
So you can't force him not to have kids... he can't force you to have kids.... if you don't want the same thing in this respect it's probably better to call it a day and go your separate ways, let him find someone who wants kids, and you find someone else who doesn't want kids. That's probably not the answer you wanted to hear, but this really is a huge issue, it's not like choosing furniture or whether you live in a flat or an apartment. There is no compromising.0 -
Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.
QFT
Think about it. If you're having issues with him possibly going along with his mother's wishes, think how much harder it will be if you two actually get married. Go to counseling and really get to the bottom of it. Otherwise, you're in for a bumpy ride with a mama's boy (eek).0 -
Call me old-fashioned (and it would be accurate ... I am), but you've been with this guy for 8 years. You share a home with him. That doesn't exactly suggest to me that you aren't interested in "settling down." You've essentially been functioning as his wife for the past 2 years. Of course he thinks the next steps are to buy a house, have kids, etc. That's what any rational person would think. It's not just pressure from his family. It's not logical to share an adult relationship with someone for nearly a decade, set up house with them, and then hold them at arm's length and say "No no no, I told you my career comes first."
I dated my college boyfriend for 6 years (4 of them after we graduated). He brought up moving in together many times. I said no every time, not because I didn't love him or even because I didn't want to share a home with him. It was because I knew it would send the message that I was ready to settle down, start thinking about marriage, starting a family, and making that family the biggest focus of my life. I wasn't anywhere near ready for that.
I know, I know, it's 2013 and women can have it all. Well, you can't have it all without considering what other people want and need, as well. If you and your boyfriend really can't come to a consensus on this, maybe your relationship has run its course.0 -
Just MHO, but until your boyfriend says to his mother, "Hey, I'm a full grown man and will decide for myself what's best", he doesn't have any business taking on fatherhood.
THIS... A million times. Is what I keep thinking....0 -
I say stick to your guns on this one. You were up front and honest with him from the get go and he agreed with you. He should not expect you to just drop everything and change your entire plan because his mom thinks it's what is right.
Yeah... It's just going to get rough when it's to the point of "We need to break up because we don't have the same life goals".
I feel like he's going to eventually see that it wasn't him that wanted this, but other people being selfish and not considering us.
Yes, that will be rough BUT, you both need to do what makes you happy. Could be that he's agreed to whatever all along because he doesn't care as long as you two are together BUT maybe all this baby talk has caused him to think differently about how he wants his future/life to go. Also, it sounds like your future plans are all based on what YOU want. What about what HE wants?
My husband and I have been on both sides of this. Originally I wanted the dream (white picket fence, 2 kids and a dog, etc) but he was hesitant Then he started wanting the dream at a point that I decided I wasn't ready. At both times, we had some serious talks and came to agreements that both were happy with. Point is, people change as the years pass...
Either way, you two need to talk about it. I'm not sure counseling is the answer but if you can't sit down and have an honest talk with each other to hash it all out, that may be what it takes.
And please don't play mind games or make deals as some others have suggested. Real relationships aren't based on a foundation of BS and trickery...smh0 -
So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
Yes, lie to this man you're ostensibly in love with. That's a very mature, adult thing to do.0 -
Definitely should get it everything out in the open or at least revisit what is important to you both. You guys were relatively young when you first started dating. Many people start to discover what they want in life once they age into their late 20's sometimes early thirties especially when it comes to relationships.
I can certainly understand you being scared for change in your status as it seems you are more of the structured in your nature. What it all comes down to, are you both happy in the direction you are going. Happiness is the key to life above all else.0 -
People change, goals change, desires change, all the time and at any age. It may be that his are changing while yours are not. He may be being influenced by what he sees/hears around him, but that doesn't and shouldn't discount that his desire to start a family now (or soon) may be real. Best advise, get to the truth of it sooner than later. I married a man who knew I could not have kids (already had one and had my tubes tied) it was the worst mistake ever! He said he was okay with it, but turns out he wasn't... at all. Suffice it to say we are no longer married and that was the best decision for both of us!0
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Go to therapy. Your idea is good.0
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My aunt (a lawyer) and her husband went down this road. She was not interested in kids due to her career and he was but it obviously wasn't a dealbreaker because they remained together and childless. When my aunt was in her mid thirties she wanted a child but her husband had got used to their current life and lifesyle and no longer wanted them. It wasn't a dealbreaker for her either because they're still together.
You should definitely get to the bottom of this because it's a legit dealbreaker and deserves your attention now.0 -
Wow, I have heard this one before, but in reverse. My best friend from Va. dated a girl for over 5 years and when they met neither wanted kids. I would say they were like 22 when they met and also just getting into their careers. It was great for a while and the longer together she must have heard the baby / grandkids message from her mom and others and slowly started wanting them between the 3 and 4 year mark. It started to cause small arguments over nothing and eneded up tearing them apart after 5 years together. She confided in my friends sister that it was not the arguments that did it, it was her growing displeasure that he would not even consider kids and she felt that had become a dealbreaker. It was sad to see because they were great together.
First let me say that 8 years is a LONG time to just throw away. I know because I was with my first wife a total of 8 1/2 and tried to save that to no avail. The counciling is a good start in my opinion. I get you wanting to get established in a career before even thinking of kids which seems pretty responsible to me. Your page says you are 24, so you have plenty of time to do kids if you choose too. With any luck the counciling will get to the heart of all the issues so they can be discussed in a healthy forum. If you are really unsure and need to get a carreer going first he needs to understand that and why - not that you just don't want kids right now. There is a GOOD reason. Also get into why he feels the need for them so suddenly and if it is just the pressure of his mother. Maybe you guys can agree on a time table at which this can be brought up again. It will come down to whether or not you really love each other and want to work out a plan together that works for everyone. Hopefully that will be the case. You both deserve to be happy and hopefully that can be together. 8 years certainly deserves some dialogue and an attempt to salvage. My current wife and I do a great job of communication and compromise and we are working on year 10. Best of luck to you both.
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are you really listening to him.... you say you *think* that he's just giving in to pressure from society and his family.... but maybe he actually really does want kids. Are you prepared to hear that from him? It's hard to tell from a post there's just the words you typed, but I get the impression that you want him to go to couple counselling so he can find out that he only wants kids out of societal pressure... but what if you go do couple counselling and it turns out that he really wants kids?
This is not a small issue at all, and really it's one where both partners need to be on the same page, and if they're not then it's probably better to go their separate ways. you can't force a man who wants kids to never have kids, that's really unfair. The desire to have kids is a really primal one, and it's not something you get to do at any time in your life either, especially if you want a chance to see your grandkids grow up... some people are more family and kids orientated than others. You can't force him to be childless for you................. and at the same time he can't force you to have kids either, it's a huge responsibility, and if you don't want kids you shouldn't have them (okay accidents happen and most women change their minds about wanting them when they do) because you're responsible for a small human being's emotional health for their whole life pretty much, and kids need parents who are 100% committed to them.
So you can't force him not to have kids... he can't force you to have kids.... if you don't want the same thing in this respect it's probably better to call it a day and go your separate ways, let him find someone who wants kids, and you find someone else who doesn't want kids. That's probably not the answer you wanted to hear, but this really is a huge issue, it's not like choosing furniture or whether you live in a flat or an apartment. There is no compromising.
I totally get what you're saying. My goal in therapy is seeing if there is a way to work through this (which doesn't look promising, I get this). But I also want to see if he actually DOES want kids. If he does, then I accept that. In that case, parting ways will probably be the answer. But it seems odd to me that it was never an issue until his mother started pushing. He's the kind of guy who loves to go out to bars, hang out with his guy friends until the early morning. Hell, he just bought a brand new Harley (which I love) and he always talks about how much money he wants to throw into it and how he wants to ride to Sturgis and Daytona with me next year. He doesn't seem like he's anywhere near settling down himself, which is why it just strikes me funny that all of a sudden now it's an issue when other people bring it up. He's always said how we don't have the money to get married, etc. I just feel like he's not completely thinking for himself. This is what I hope therapy offers a little clarity towards.0 -
Honestly you BOTH need to decide what you want. You can't say that you 'might' want to have kids 'someday' if you really and truly do not want to have kids. He made it clear to you that he wants them period and you're hemming and hawing over it. Perhaps he is trying to figure out if you honestly want them because what you're saying isn't necessarily saying no but "not right now but some time in the future perhaps." You've been together for 8 years perhaps to him that is the "sometime in the future". You also need to sit down and talk to him about this ASAP and find out if it is truly him that wants to have a child right now or his family's pressure that's causing it. And again you need to let him know up front whether or not you want to have them. Don't waver on the subject. If you don't want them then tell him but if you do want them some time in the future then you need to pick a solid date for that to happen.
My husband and I decided long ago that we don't want to have children and we've stuck to our guns even when my sister had a baby. Even when my mother would ask me when I'm giving her a grandchild. Even when my sister's mother in law (you read that right) would ask when I was having a baby and then proceed to tell me all the reasons why our choice was wrong. Hell, even when people I worked with would stick their nose into my business and ask when I was going to have a kid I stuck to my guns. I let everyone under the sun know that we were in no way shape or form ever having a child and they could wish, hope and dream all they want but it ain't going to happen because it was our decision not theirs.0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."0
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It appears you two are not on the same life path. Having been with him for so long at such a young age you probably feel that he HAS to be the person for the rest of your life. Relationships serve purposes for different times of our lives. You have had a wonderful one up to this point, but if your family wants/needs are different then you two need to understand that you aren't meant to be together for the next phase of your life. There is nothing wrong with realizing that and moving on to find the people that will give each of you what you want out of the next phase of your life.
Neither of you should force the other to make compromises that they truly don't want to make. Eventually one of you will come to resent the other person for making you do something you didn't want to do.
I say it's time to part ways if you truly do not want kids. If you just aren't ready then you have to tell him to stop pushing and that you do want a family but not now. Ask him why he is pushing the issue so much. What's the rush? If he has issues with waiting when you are both ready and can both be great parents then I'd say he isn't the right person for you.
Good luck.0 -
If you want kids eventually, but not now, just say so. Shoot, you're only 24, so it's not like you can't wait five years. But if you want an entirely different life and the chance to date around rather than stay with your high school sweetheart, it's best you break things off and get on with your life.0
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It appears you two are not on the same life path. Having been with him for so long at such a young age you probably feel that he HAS to be the person for the rest of your life. Relationships serve purposes for different times of our lives. You have had a wonderful one up to this point, but if your family wants/needs are different then you two need to understand that you aren't meant to be together for the next phase of your life. There is nothing wrong with realizing that and moving on to find the people that will give each of you what you want out of the next phase of your life.
Neither of you should force the other to make compromises that they truly don't want to make. Eventually one of you will come to resent the other person for making you do something you didn't want to do.
I say it's time to part ways if you truly do not want kids. If you just aren't ready then you have to tell him to stop pushing and that you do want a family but not now. Ask him why he is pushing the issue so much. What's the rush? If he has issues with waiting when you are both ready and can both be great parents then I'd say he isn't the right person for you.
Good luck.
Winner winner healthy baked chicken dinner0 -
Settling down does not mean "have boring stagnant life where nothing happens."
This. Exactly this... and what neandermagnon said.
Having kids doesn't mean that you can never do anything ever again. I'm not saying this to change your mind about having kids but your post and replies imply that you think after having kids, you have to behave like boring old people.0 -
So, you're not saying no, you are just saying not right now? First of all you should tell him that you want to be married first and that planning for and paying for your wedding will take about 2 years. Then tell him you want a year of wedded bliss before trying for a kid. That buys you three years.
BTW, I don't think marriage is necessary, I'm just trying to buy you time. My bf wants us to have a kid together, too, but I already have three, plus I'm raising his son as my own. I think my hands (and house) are full enough.
"that buys you three years"? "I'm just trying to buy you time"....WOW.... talk about playing with someone's feeling and just stringing them along. Don't do that. Like others have said, people change. The closer I get to 30 the more I want children, and I was iffy about having them when I was younger. But the point is that at this point in your life you should have an idea of whether you want them at all. Yes, it could be his mom nosing around, but how do you know he didn't mention to her the fact that he wants kids and you are in limbo about them. Just need to talk to him.0
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