Bridezilla, weight loss sabotage? Or common sense.

Grace215lbs

Hey Guys and Girls,

I've spoken about this before but i guess i really have no idea what to do about this or what my options are, if i'm out of line or if my sister is. I guess i really feel like i've lost motivation because i'm being guilt tripped into stopping my fitness for my sister wedding.

As some of you know my sister is getting married and she asked me to be her bridesmaid. After many weeks of saying i wasn't really up for the role, she showed me the dresses we had to wear, said it will all be nice and easy, so i finally agreed to do it.

Before i had agree to this i was 215-220lbs overweight and was told if i didn't lose this i may risk not being able to have children as well as i was at risk for diabetes. So i started a nutritional science course and joined MFP. My sister found out i was losing weight and sent me a TxT saying i have to stop or the dress won't fit. This was 14months before the wedding.. before any dresses were purchased. She then went on to tell me the dresses were going to be purchased ASAP and i would have to stop. This telling me i have to stop went on for a few months but thanks to people telling me to keep going and ignore her...i'm around 160 still overweight, out of danger, glad i didn't stop. I really don't want to stop any time soon.

I'm now paying for the dress as my sister said it would be my way of helping her out. >.< So i asked if it would be okay, if i we're to continue my health and pay for the dress size to be altered closer to the date, which i would happily pay for, so i could continue my fitness as i don't want to hold off my health for another 9 months+. And she went off the handles asking me why i can't wait until after her wedding to lose the rest of the weight, telling me i'm stupid and it's a waste of time and money and i should just be happy that i get to be her bridesmaid.

Any who the dress she picked changed again. We are to buy them at the end of this month... Even though the wedding is 9-10months away. She chose the opposite of what she wanted and what the other bridesmaids were happy with. It's now short, grey high round neckline. One of the bridesmaids left, stating my sister was clearly trying to dress us to look like garbage and pay for a $250 dress we'd never wear again. + $100 for alteration considering we'd have it way before the wedding date.... if she'd even let us alter them.

The matron of honor sent me an email a week ago telling me she is about to take a holiday during the wedding as she doesn't want to see a friendship end over my sisters rudeness....Her name is Elly she is 46years old and is a little self conscious and agreed she'd be the matron as the dress that was picked was long and covered her legs and wasn't revealing.. The other bridesmaid agreed to liking the first dress as it suited her body type being very top heavy and was the reason she was okay with paying for it, but she didn't want to have to buy this new dress she'd never wear again.. So i had a chat to my sister over the phone updating her about how getting the others to like the new dress was going and i mentioned they we're okay but a little upset the length, colour, style, material changed and she didn't talk to them about it before she made the change and she went nuts! "Who says any of this has to be about them! IT'S MY WEDDING!" They can where what they want at THEIR stupid weddings. Tell them to suck it up.

We had another brides party meeting yesterday and my sister announced we have to have our hair cut short or tight in a bun. No light hair colours. The shoes have to be open pep toe stilettos, orange and we have to also buy them. Her reason for picking pep toe was.."The shoes have to be open pep toe because it's winter and they are the best option" The last bridesmaid is no longer apart of the brides party she sent us all an email last night explaining why she is no longer available..

I am now the only 1 in the bridesmaid party. The matron of honor is pretty keen on leaving. I really don't care if she dresses me up like a clown, i'm just concerned for her asking me to stop my fitness.. And i'm pretty annoyed i'm looking at paying $500+ for clothing i will NEVER wear again.

What do i do? I don't want to be apart of her mind games anymore, i really don't want to spend $500+ on wedding clothing i will never wear again. And i would at least like to be able to alter the dress..but i'm not allow to. I don't want to feel guilty that i'm getting my life back on track, i want to continue my fitness yet this is making me feel horrible. Have you got family members or loved ones trying to stop you from your goals? Any advice? I'm damned if i do i'm damned if i don't. =(

emaren

Live

Your

Own

Life

The bride is supposed to look better than everyone, she is the one that gets the best dress and the ring and the guy remember ?

But she should not, WILL NOT , look better than you if that means you need to but your personal weight and health goals on hold just to be the fast bridesmaid.

You need to carry on, buy the dress in several sizes too small and slim into it.

If she is mad with you, then that is her problem, not yours.

lovemuffin6

Honestly it sounds a lot like she is being very unreasonable about it all, but I'm sure she's very stressed out at the moment, there could be lots of reasons for wanting to get things sorted out early and a lot of people have very specific ideas about their wedding in their head....including bridesmaid dresses that look horrible.

Definitely keep up with getting healthier, in the same way you shouldn't try and loose weight because someone tells you too you shouldn't stop because they say so either! Congratulations on your progress so far, it sounds amazing by the way

I think its very sad that friends would bail out on someones wedding because they don't like the dresses though, I think the best thing to do is probably sit down and have a friendly chat with her and let her know how unreasonable you all think she is being. Try and avoid being too angry and judgmental, she does sound like a bit of a b***h but its very possible she's just freaking out and doesn't realise.....sorry this has been so long!

angel7472

I agree with emaren...live your own life. You cant make her happy she is all controlling and it will backfire and sounds like she's going to lose her friends along with her sister over this. If she is your sister and she loves you she should completely understand that your life and future is at risk. It's selfish of her to tell you to hold off on your health and possible potential to have kids because her wedding is more important. Will she pay for invitro or adoption if you are unable to have kids due to health concerns? My ex-husband wouldn't quit smoking due to me having COPD. Did you read the ex in that statement! You shouldnt have to compromise your health for anyone. You are in control of YOU! If you let others control your health where will it stop. Order the dress in the size you feel you will be able to achieve. Pay for it and the alterations. If she throws a fit then tell her its this option or you will have no other choice than to not be in the wedding because you won't compromise your health for her and that you love her but you're not budging on this. Good luck!

naydene_w

Well, since you seem to be the only one left, tell her that you can pick out a dress that will be flattering to you as the date gets closer. But if it was my sister and she said that about hair length and color, I will admit I would have been through and told her that was enough and I would not be participating either.Yes it is her day, but sounds like she is way too controlling,,,and WHAT THE HECK is a bride party planning anyway?????

wilmnoca

This is YOUR BODY, YOUR HEALH, YOUR GOALS. Don't quit for anyone, especially a dress! Stay the course!

ladymiseryali

If I were you, I would have already quit the bridal party. Your sister is being a spoiled brat. What's more important to you? Your health or your bratty sister's ONE DAY of all attention being on her.

Whether or not you drop out is up to you, but tell your sister that her demands are ridiculous and that you NEED to get your health in check. Her wedding doesn't take priority over health and well-being.

zacksnana

Well, since you seem to be the only one left, tell her that you can pick out a dress that will be flattering to you as the date gets closer. But if it was my sister and she said that about hair length and color, I will admit I would have been through and told her that was enough and I would not be participating either.Yes it is her day, but sounds like she is way too controlling,,,and WHAT THE HECK is a bride party planning anyway?????

Yep. And do your hair how it looks best for you.

HeidiCooksSupper

If your description is accurate, the "Bridezilla" diagnosis fits. Meanwhile, you are her sister so that puts you in a different category from the others. Wear whatever she wants you to but don't change your life around her current druthers. She is likely to change them to trip you up. Stop losing weight and she'll change the dress again to something tiny that fits you like a sausage casing. You will be more comfortable when the day comes in a dress that's too big than one that's too small. You can always hold it up with safety pins if necessary.

If you have a sympathetic parent, discuss your dilemma with them and take into consideration what they want you to do. See if they have a few bucks to chip in toward the gown. Stop talking to the rest of the bridal party about it so you are a less likely target for Bridezilla's wrath at all of them. Just quietly smile and be glad you are not marrying her.

IhScoutII

Tell your sister to get over it and if she has a problem with you getting healthy and happy then she is officially out of brides maids..
I person I really feel sorry for in this story is the poor *kitten* that's marrying her!

Sunitagt

I don't know where women get the notion that being a bride means everyone else has to cater to your every whim. It's ridiculous. You don't get to have the world revovle around you just because you're getting married. You should just be happy to be getting to marry the person who you love.

Anyway, I think the following: If you can afford the dress, shoes and alterations no problem, then buy them, stay in the wedding party. If not, I would leave the wedding party.

Regardless of which you do of the above, you should not stop your weightloss and fitness just because your sister says to. It's your life and health, not hers. You need to do what's right for you. It is her wedding, yes, but only for one day, not for 9+ months.

Grace215lbs

Thanks for the support. I was feeling like i was being selfish for not just going with what she wanted me to do, but she has a way of doing that. I can't really afford to pay for all of this. I think she even wanted the bridesmaids "party" to pay for her hens night.. Which was looking to cost around $2000 but since i'm the last member i'm not paying that. I wouldn't even pay 1/3 of that.

I have $6000 dental bills, my 6 yr anniversary holiday $4000, new camera and photo software $3000 for Uni and Uni fees for next year $6000. I need to save up $19,000 - $20,000 for 2014 already. And i'm a full time student who pays rent. So i'm just hoping my Tax back will pay for the dress and shoes and alterations. I'll keep pushing on and hope i don't go crazy, thanks again!

I_Will_End_You

Your sister sounds like a psycho b from hell. Do what you want and if she doesn't like it......well then she won't have a wedding party.

Booda101

Yeah, it's your sister's wedding. But it's your health! Is a dress that you would only wear for a few hours really worth the strides you've made and will continue to make. For your sister to put her wedding ahead of you in such a fashion strikes me as utterly selfish.

Contrarian

Your sister is a mentalcase.

littlesis412

She sounds like a controlling b**ch. Honestly, I would have dropped by now and suggest you do too but..... I can feel your love for her and want to just make her happy. You could tell her that you want to wait until closer to the day to buy everything in order to give you time to collect the money and make sure it's the attire she's set on. That's a large investment on your part for a one time event and if it's possible she might change her mind, you may not be able to afford it. You could, perhaps, go ahead and buy the shoes to show her you're committed to being a part of the wedding. (Your shoe size also won't change as dramatically with more weight loss.) Your health is more important than her one-time event. Don't give up your fitness goals.

Side note to suggest, my best friend and I are both planning our weddings for next summer. For our's and every wedding I've been in, the bride picks the dresses from a selection the bridesmaids choose or in some other way takes their feedback. Price has always been extremely important in our group. For shoes, we had a set color (like black or ivory) and the bridesmaid was free to choose the actual shoe. This is an area that could save a lot of money, insure they can wear it again, and make sure they're comfortable. If your sister was willing to be more flexible, I'm sure the others would be more willing to come back and everyone happier in general. It's her fault for causing the situation and you have no reason to feel guilty.

faithsimmons526

What they said ^^^.

Here's one of my biggest concerns: if she's that hard to get along with, what are the chances there will even BE a wedding? If you go along with her -- and yes hopefully staying with your health program (which is more important than any one single day btw) and buy the dress, have it altered etc etc, and she doesn't get married because she's having such control issues ... where will that leave everyone? Angry as hell.

Tell her you love her but she's being absolutely unreasonable, and if she doesn't 'approve' of your new lifestyle then maybe now is a good time to start looking for a new bridesmaid as your needs are every bit as valid as hers.

Is she purposely sabotaging you? I doubt it. I suspect she can't see far enough past her own wants and needs to even recognize yours.

RhonndaJ

I find myself wondering what the heck your sister was like before the wedding plans came in to play.

She is most definitely vying for the gold medal in the Bridezilla competition. Is there anyone with any sway with her? Fiance? Parents? Clearly her friends have had it with her.

Anyway, if it were my sister my response would have been 'No. Sorry. You don't get to make decisions about my life and my health. I am more than happy to help you with the wedding, I am more than happy to wear whatever you want me to wear for the wedding, but you're going to have to wait until closer to the wedding for me to get my dress because it's unrealistic to get it now, even if I weren't losing weight.'

If she's not accepting of that, then that's her decision and you should leave her to her self induced wedding hell.

I will never understand why brides to be think it's acceptable to behave like the evil queen. Somewhere what is important about a wedding seems to get lost.

anorangie

Two words: boundary issues.

Your sister has them.

Yanicka1

Wow....just......wow. Lose the weight and tell your sister to chill.....and change the shoes colour !!!

jamiem1102

So peep toe during the winter, eh? Sounds... uh... nevermind.

Honestly - I'm surprised you made it that long. Maybe if you bail along with her other bridesmaids she might come to her senses. Just have an all out screaming match with her and maybe some of what you say will sink in - but for her to ask you to CUT your hair and stop being healthy is f**king stupid as all **insert string of obscenities**

In any case - keep on trucking. Eventually it'll work itself out.

jenilla1

Your sister sounds like an unreasonable monster. I personally don't take well to jerk behavior and I would have excused myself long ago. Your sister does not own your life and your body for the next 9-10 months. DO WHAT YOU WANT. Don't let her derail your progress.

She must know what an idiot she is, since pretty much everyone has jumped ship over her crazy ways. Maybe you need to sit her down and set her straight (aka setting boundaries). Let her know that your health and fitness are your priority and that if she still wants you in her wedding, she's going to need to make some concessions - like letting you alter your dress.

Mia_RagazzaTosta

Your poor future brother in law...Jesus.

links_slayer

She sounds like quite the catch. I can't believe she wasn't snagged off the market sooner.

nursshar1

I don't know if your sister is being controlling because she feels out of control with the wedding, or if she feels like she needs to keep you from being successful because it will somehow overshadow her. Regardless, You need to politely let her know that you WILL be the healthiest you that you can be, with or without her support. Tell her that as sisters, your only hearts desire is that the two of you would be able to support EACH OTHER, no matter WHAT. Support her emotional needs as people drop from the wedding (even though she is doing it to herself). Make a pact and tell her blood is thicker than water and you will support each other as a team.

fitgirlcookie

I had the same thing happen. Dress was purchased 14 months in advance to the wedding without my consent. I had to pay back the to be sister in law for it. I then went on to lose 50 pounds before the wedding and the dress had to go in 5 dress sizes. I told her I wouldn't buy a new dress and I wasn't going tto pay what I paid for the dress to alter ot it because I didn't have the money. Thankfully she found a tailor who took it in for $20. She however went on to tell me she would no longer pay for me to get my hair or nails done but she wanted a specific hair style and french nails I couldn't afford to do. I ended up telling her I couldn't do eeverything she was asking. On top of that 5 days before the wedding my then bf was put in the the hospital for his appendix. He was held for 3 days cause he wasn't doing well. He was released the day of the rehearsal and when I told her I was going to go check on him and spend my break in between things with him she told me no I had to go sit at the nail salon for pictures even though I wasn't getting my nails done and my then bf wasn't doing well and I was worried about him. Some people get crazy at weddings.

FreyasRebirth

Bridezilla. There should probably be some 2-3 month rule for dresses. Who the heck would buy dresses 14 months in advance? People lose weight. People gain weight. People get pregnant (on accident or on purpose). 2-3 months would give you *some* insurance that your bridesmaids are around the same size they used to be.

(And yeah, I've heard of brides losing their shiznit because one of the bridesmaids was planning a family and wasn't willing to postpone.)

You're not a doll for her to dress up and play with. Go make yourself healthy and if she isn't willing to find a solution then she can find another woman to be the bridesmaid doll she wants.

the_summer_belle

My EX friend was getting married for the second time and she was still in her early 20's and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I had just moved countries and my life was in boxes. I explained to her I would do the best I can being a single parent having just moved countries on my own so she shouldn't expect me to be at her beck and call. I told her if she requires someone to be there with her all the time then she should pick someone else. I am not the type of person who agrees to something then lets people down so I wanted to make sure i covered all the bases first. She said it would be fine and then a few weeks later started making demands on me. I had spent my life savings moving and could not afford to pay for anything she knew this but still acted like a total B to me. She made up stories and rumors and in front of the other girls she made fun of me and tried to make me look like a looser. I did not say a word i gave her respect as it was her wedding time.

She was being very immature and unreasonable and would get her fiancee to call me making demands he also called me one night to ask for help because she was throwing things at him. I told him not to marry her if that is what is going on. One night we were having dinner at her house my son was 3 and her fiancee said something she did not like and she threw a full size Vegemite jar a ONE KILO jar at him but it missed him and clocked my son in the head! And she did not even apologize! I had witness her slap her fiancee in the face just for paying for groceries and smiling at the check out chick!

I simply said to her look I love you you are my friend but right now this has got to stop. I will be your bridesmaid but i cant be shopping with you almost every day and paying for these things you want me to pay for you need to cal down. Well her attitude got worse and I told her that I will come to her wedding as a guest not a bridesmaid.

I went to her wedding she put me on a table facing a wall and all the wedding was happening behind me literally she spent her wedding day being a cow to me and to her new husband when they were doing the speeches she yelled at him and made him look like a fool in front of everyone and the party went so silent and someone broke the ice and said WELCOME TO MARRIAGE to him and he laughed nervously yea she cheated on him a few years later and abandoned their baby daughter and took off across the state with some houso looser whom now she lives out in the bush with and has about 5 more kids she cant handle she is now grossly obese and unhappy and looks 10 years older than she really is and has no friends other than her new husbands family. She was teeny tiny skinny pretty and rich but not anymore she is broke as living in a dust bowl.

Karma my friend that is what i call KARMA.

So don't worry about your sister just be loving but almost be firm tell her that you love her and understand how stressed she is and nervous too (tell her this over wine) then say whilst i am your sister you have alienated me and your other bridesmaids you may not realise what affect you are having on others and whilst i understand its your day you are not an island and it takes a team of people to make YOUR day happen the way YOU want if you act like this people are not going to on board with you and your dreams of a perfect wedding will not come to pass and that is all up to you.

If she goes off on one stay calm and say like I told you i love you but your attitude has to stop and then lay down the law say my health is my business not yours I am going to get my dress altered if needed I am willing to be there for you I am willing to give up my time to be there for YOU but you need to meet me some of the way lets work on a compromise when it comes to the dress i am sure you'd rather have me smiling and happy and strong for you on the day rather than unhappy and stressed out as you seem to be i will not stop loosing weight you have no right to make those demands on me.

If you do not stop calm down and be reasonable I am unfortunately going to have to come as a guest only. I will still be there to support you but not as a bridesmaid the choice is yours.

That way you have empathized with her and let her know you understand how she feels then you have let her know how you and other have been feeling and then acknowledged her authority in a sense but then put things in context and reminded her that her authority is limited and does not include your body and then concluded with the consequences for her behavior if it was to continue.

That way you have been mature calm loving respectful and drawn those lines the next step will be to STICK TO IT! If she crosses those lines give her ONE warning remind her of the conversation you had face to face at the bar over lunch etc and if she crosses it meet with her face to face again remind her of the conversation and now let her know the consequences of her actions. That way you have covered all the bases and have resolved it in a mature methodical loving way and can walk away with your head held high knowing you went about it in the right way!

There is nothing wrong with telling people NO but you have to do it in a way that is non argumentative because as soon as you get on their energy level and make pot shots you have lost your position entirely. Dont let her waver from the subject when you peak to her stay on point stay calm stay focused if she makes pot shots at you just wait silently correct her go back t the subject until you have said all you need to say.

JustAnotherCalorieCounter

Just lose your weight and alter it closer to the day. Just don't tell her what you're doing.

Siansonea

She's lucky I'm not her sister. I'd rip her a new one on a regular basis.

You keep prioritizing your health goals. If that's not acceptable to someone, maybe that someone needs to get glad in the same pants they got mad in.:drinker:

Lleldiranne

Wow. If my daughter were to act remotely like that as her wedding approached, she'd get an earful from me! (Fortunately, I can reasonably expect another 5-10 years before I have to worry about that!)

Now, with the understanding that I've only heard one side of the story …

I think I would talk with the bride. Let her know that as things stand right now, she is looking at having nobody in the wedding party. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are not putting your health on the back burner for the next 9 months. And tell her that she has 3 months to get her head on straight, and that during that time you will not buy, or even discuss, dress, shoes, hair, etc. Six months is plenty of time to plan a wedding … where I live, a lot of engagements are shorter than 6 months, and the weddings are still fabulous. Still support her during that time; maybe she can work on choosing the cake, flowers, etc, that won't affect others in her party.

I think, in the end, I would still be in the bridal party. After all, this is your sister, and you only have one chance (hopefully) to be her bridesmaid. It would be sad if she looked back on her "special day" with bitterness toward her family (friends come and go but you will always be her sister). I wouldn't order the dress until a couple of months out. See if there is a less expensive option for the shoes (is she insisting on a certain brand? If it's just for the one night, you could get those shoes at Payless that they will die for you … if they still do that). Don't color or cut your hair into a style you wouldn't normally go for, unless you like being daring (hair grows back ). Do what you can to compromise, after she's had a cooling down period.

But like others have said, don't compromise your health for this!