Bridezilla, weight loss sabotage? Or common sense.

jenilla1

Your sister sounds like an unreasonable monster. I personally don't take well to jerk behavior and I would have excused myself long ago. Your sister does not own your life and your body for the next 9-10 months. DO WHAT YOU WANT. Don't let her derail your progress.

She must know what an idiot she is, since pretty much everyone has jumped ship over her crazy ways. Maybe you need to sit her down and set her straight (aka setting boundaries). Let her know that your health and fitness are your priority and that if she still wants you in her wedding, she's going to need to make some concessions - like letting you alter your dress.

Mia_RagazzaTosta

Your poor future brother in law...Jesus.

links_slayer

She sounds like quite the catch. I can't believe she wasn't snagged off the market sooner.

nursshar1

I don't know if your sister is being controlling because she feels out of control with the wedding, or if she feels like she needs to keep you from being successful because it will somehow overshadow her. Regardless, You need to politely let her know that you WILL be the healthiest you that you can be, with or without her support. Tell her that as sisters, your only hearts desire is that the two of you would be able to support EACH OTHER, no matter WHAT. Support her emotional needs as people drop from the wedding (even though she is doing it to herself). Make a pact and tell her blood is thicker than water and you will support each other as a team.

fitgirlcookie

I had the same thing happen. Dress was purchased 14 months in advance to the wedding without my consent. I had to pay back the to be sister in law for it. I then went on to lose 50 pounds before the wedding and the dress had to go in 5 dress sizes. I told her I wouldn't buy a new dress and I wasn't going tto pay what I paid for the dress to alter ot it because I didn't have the money. Thankfully she found a tailor who took it in for $20. She however went on to tell me she would no longer pay for me to get my hair or nails done but she wanted a specific hair style and french nails I couldn't afford to do. I ended up telling her I couldn't do eeverything she was asking. On top of that 5 days before the wedding my then bf was put in the the hospital for his appendix. He was held for 3 days cause he wasn't doing well. He was released the day of the rehearsal and when I told her I was going to go check on him and spend my break in between things with him she told me no I had to go sit at the nail salon for pictures even though I wasn't getting my nails done and my then bf wasn't doing well and I was worried about him. Some people get crazy at weddings.

FreyasRebirth

Bridezilla. There should probably be some 2-3 month rule for dresses. Who the heck would buy dresses 14 months in advance? People lose weight. People gain weight. People get pregnant (on accident or on purpose). 2-3 months would give you *some* insurance that your bridesmaids are around the same size they used to be.

(And yeah, I've heard of brides losing their shiznit because one of the bridesmaids was planning a family and wasn't willing to postpone.)

You're not a doll for her to dress up and play with. Go make yourself healthy and if she isn't willing to find a solution then she can find another woman to be the bridesmaid doll she wants.

the_summer_belle

My EX friend was getting married for the second time and she was still in her early 20's and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I had just moved countries and my life was in boxes. I explained to her I would do the best I can being a single parent having just moved countries on my own so she shouldn't expect me to be at her beck and call. I told her if she requires someone to be there with her all the time then she should pick someone else. I am not the type of person who agrees to something then lets people down so I wanted to make sure i covered all the bases first. She said it would be fine and then a few weeks later started making demands on me. I had spent my life savings moving and could not afford to pay for anything she knew this but still acted like a total B to me. She made up stories and rumors and in front of the other girls she made fun of me and tried to make me look like a looser. I did not say a word i gave her respect as it was her wedding time.

She was being very immature and unreasonable and would get her fiancee to call me making demands he also called me one night to ask for help because she was throwing things at him. I told him not to marry her if that is what is going on. One night we were having dinner at her house my son was 3 and her fiancee said something she did not like and she threw a full size Vegemite jar a ONE KILO jar at him but it missed him and clocked my son in the head! And she did not even apologize! I had witness her slap her fiancee in the face just for paying for groceries and smiling at the check out chick!

I simply said to her look I love you you are my friend but right now this has got to stop. I will be your bridesmaid but i cant be shopping with you almost every day and paying for these things you want me to pay for you need to cal down. Well her attitude got worse and I told her that I will come to her wedding as a guest not a bridesmaid.

I went to her wedding she put me on a table facing a wall and all the wedding was happening behind me literally she spent her wedding day being a cow to me and to her new husband when they were doing the speeches she yelled at him and made him look like a fool in front of everyone and the party went so silent and someone broke the ice and said WELCOME TO MARRIAGE to him and he laughed nervously yea she cheated on him a few years later and abandoned their baby daughter and took off across the state with some houso looser whom now she lives out in the bush with and has about 5 more kids she cant handle she is now grossly obese and unhappy and looks 10 years older than she really is and has no friends other than her new husbands family. She was teeny tiny skinny pretty and rich but not anymore she is broke as living in a dust bowl.

Karma my friend that is what i call KARMA.

So don't worry about your sister just be loving but almost be firm tell her that you love her and understand how stressed she is and nervous too (tell her this over wine) then say whilst i am your sister you have alienated me and your other bridesmaids you may not realise what affect you are having on others and whilst i understand its your day you are not an island and it takes a team of people to make YOUR day happen the way YOU want if you act like this people are not going to on board with you and your dreams of a perfect wedding will not come to pass and that is all up to you.

If she goes off on one stay calm and say like I told you i love you but your attitude has to stop and then lay down the law say my health is my business not yours I am going to get my dress altered if needed I am willing to be there for you I am willing to give up my time to be there for YOU but you need to meet me some of the way lets work on a compromise when it comes to the dress i am sure you'd rather have me smiling and happy and strong for you on the day rather than unhappy and stressed out as you seem to be i will not stop loosing weight you have no right to make those demands on me.

If you do not stop calm down and be reasonable I am unfortunately going to have to come as a guest only. I will still be there to support you but not as a bridesmaid the choice is yours.

That way you have empathized with her and let her know you understand how she feels then you have let her know how you and other have been feeling and then acknowledged her authority in a sense but then put things in context and reminded her that her authority is limited and does not include your body and then concluded with the consequences for her behavior if it was to continue.

That way you have been mature calm loving respectful and drawn those lines the next step will be to STICK TO IT! If she crosses those lines give her ONE warning remind her of the conversation you had face to face at the bar over lunch etc and if she crosses it meet with her face to face again remind her of the conversation and now let her know the consequences of her actions. That way you have covered all the bases and have resolved it in a mature methodical loving way and can walk away with your head held high knowing you went about it in the right way!

There is nothing wrong with telling people NO but you have to do it in a way that is non argumentative because as soon as you get on their energy level and make pot shots you have lost your position entirely. Dont let her waver from the subject when you peak to her stay on point stay calm stay focused if she makes pot shots at you just wait silently correct her go back t the subject until you have said all you need to say.

JustAnotherCalorieCounter

Just lose your weight and alter it closer to the day. Just don't tell her what you're doing.

Siansonea

She's lucky I'm not her sister. I'd rip her a new one on a regular basis.

You keep prioritizing your health goals. If that's not acceptable to someone, maybe that someone needs to get glad in the same pants they got mad in.:drinker:

mathjulz

Wow. If my daughter were to act remotely like that as her wedding approached, she'd get an earful from me! (Fortunately, I can reasonably expect another 5-10 years before I have to worry about that!)

Now, with the understanding that I've only heard one side of the story …

I think I would talk with the bride. Let her know that as things stand right now, she is looking at having nobody in the wedding party. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are not putting your health on the back burner for the next 9 months. And tell her that she has 3 months to get her head on straight, and that during that time you will not buy, or even discuss, dress, shoes, hair, etc. Six months is plenty of time to plan a wedding … where I live, a lot of engagements are shorter than 6 months, and the weddings are still fabulous. Still support her during that time; maybe she can work on choosing the cake, flowers, etc, that won't affect others in her party.

I think, in the end, I would still be in the bridal party. After all, this is your sister, and you only have one chance (hopefully) to be her bridesmaid. It would be sad if she looked back on her "special day" with bitterness toward her family (friends come and go but you will always be her sister). I wouldn't order the dress until a couple of months out. See if there is a less expensive option for the shoes (is she insisting on a certain brand? If it's just for the one night, you could get those shoes at Payless that they will die for you … if they still do that). Don't color or cut your hair into a style you wouldn't normally go for, unless you like being daring (hair grows back ). Do what you can to compromise, after she's had a cooling down period.

But like others have said, don't compromise your health for this!

jayjay12345654321

tough one considering it's family. i'd say for health reasons, i can't be a bridesmaid under those conditions, but i'll help in any way i can. i believe in a previous post you said your mom is teamed up with her in pressuring you? i'd keep pushing that you will help in any way possible, you just can't do the bridesmaid part. it sounds like you aren't the first person to tell her that.

Grace215lbs

;3 Thanks guys and gals, She is sadly unreasonable. If i at all try to say anything to her like i need to keep losing for health reasons she will freak! Example, when i sat her down and told her i had been told i need to get to a healthy weight or i may not be able to have children she said "That's not my problem". To me that says it all about how i'm going to cope over the next 9-10months of hell.

Anything that is not 100% her way is the wrong way and if you say you're okay with what's she talking about, she will try to change it for an arguments sake. Luckily i'm fairly passive and just don't care so i nod and agree. Probably why i'm still sadly in the wedding =/ I will try to the ignorant approach. Keep losing weight.. and say 'Losing? Nah", then when it's a month to the wedding, get the dress altered. The only issue is i think she knows i was planning that, as she's still reminding me the dress is going to in her little hands until the day before the wedding. Hoping mum will tell her i've gained weight and i need to try it on again... Then we'll get it altered <.< >.> Feels a little bad sneaking around though =( i need to toughen up.

egrusy

This is just nuts. If I'd agreed to be a bridesmaid after having seen the dress, then the dress style was changed from long to short and I was told what my hair color was to be and that I'd have to wear stilettos I would be out of the wedding faster than you can say Bridezilla. You are a good sister for hanging in there with it but, yeesh. Keep doing what you're doing for YOU and don't feel bad. She should be understanding and supportive of you, but she obviously has issues. How can a sister answer "That's not my problem" to what you told her? I'm absolutely flabbergasted.

She's holding on to the dress until the day before the wedding? That's crazy. Tell her right now that you want it back a month to two weeks beforehand so you can try it on again and make sure it still fits and that you'll get it altered on your dime if it doesn't. If she says she won't give it back, then tell her if that's the case then she needs to find another bridesmaid. That's what I would hope I'd be tough enough to do anyways :flowerforyou:

Good luck!

AmericanExpat

This is just nuts. If I'd agreed to be a bridesmaid after having seen the dress, then the dress style was changed from long to short and I was told what my hair color was to be and that I'd have to wear stilettos I would be out of the wedding faster than you can say Bridezilla. You are a good sister for hanging in there with it but, yeesh. Keep doing what you're doing for YOU and don't feel bad. She should be understanding and supportive of you, but she obviously has issues. How can a sister answer "That's not my problem" to what you told her? I'm absolutely flabbergasted.

She's holding on to the dress until the day before the wedding? That's crazy. Tell her right now that you want it back a month to two weeks beforehand so you can try it on again and make sure it still fits and that you'll get it altered on your dime if it doesn't. If she says she won't give it back, then tell her if that's the case then she needs to find another bridesmaid. That's what I would hope I'd be tough enough to do anyways :flowerforyou:

Good luck!

^^^^ this.. if the dress doesn't fit you because you have gotten healthy "that's not your problem" if she won't give it to you to make the alterations needed.

PrettyPearl88

OP, she's your sister, so because of that I don't think you should abandon her and quit the bridesmaid party, especially since you're the only one left! However, just because she's your sister and you're agreeing to be her bridesmaid doesn't mean you should let her step all over you and treat you like a doormat.

This is what I would do if I were you. I would tell her all of this firmly:
-You'll still be her bridesmaid, but you're not going to take crap from her
-You are NOT going to sacrifice your health and fitness
-After buying the dress with your own money, YOU are going to keep the dress at YOUR place and do whatever size alterations YOU see fit. And if she doesn't like that, then SHE can pay for your dress and then if she insists on not getting the size altered, SHE can deal with you looking frumpy and weird at her wedding if your dress is too big by then. Basically, REFUSE to pay for the dress if she won't let you hold on to the dress yourself and alter the size later on.
-If she doesn't like those conditions, she's always free to "fire you" from being her bridesmaid.

FixIngMe13

Tell your sister to get over it and if she has a problem with you getting healthy and happy then she is officially out of brides maids..
I person I really feel sorry for in this story is the poor *kitten* that's marrying her!

I don't even think I'd be friends with someone that selfish! Sorry... but YOU matter... your LIFE/HEALTH matters. Do what is best for you. I understand she is family, but being unreasonable isn't nice at ALL. Too bad your parents don't see how she is acting and don't put her in her place... or better yet, her soon to be husband! No one should act like this... no matter. Especially to the family.

Hope everything works out for you. And... if my sister ever acted like this, she'd be out of a bridesmaid and if she didn't apologize, so be it, but I don't play that game...and neither should you. That is just ridiculous.

AlongCame_Molly

You're "not allowed" to alter the dress? Exactly why the hell not? Your sister is being a controlling jerk. Seriously. What's stopping you from altering the dress, and just not telling her? It's not like she'd be able to tell just by looking at it (not if you get a decent tailor worth their salt) and if she did know, she'd likely not find out til after the wedding, when she can't do anything about it. If she gets mad, she gets mad, so friggin what? You are already doing more than is expected of a normal bridesmaid.

You have bent to her unreasonable wishes long enough--make your personal weight loss where you firmly put you foot down. I would tell her--"I love you very much, but this is something I am doing for myself. I am not going to stop." Be respectful and kind, but firm and don't budge.

yiffanarff

I don't understand why she is so adamant that you can't get the dress altered closer to the date? Why would she want you to look like crap in a dress that is too big for you in all her wedding pictures? That makes absolutely no sense. Is she overweight? Is it perhaps that she doesn't want to look like "the fat sister" on her wedding day?

lebaker310

you're sister sounds HORRIFYING. do whatever she wants, I'm worried about your safety!!

tapirfrog

Tell her you'll be sitting at the ceremony with the other guests, wishing her well. That way you don't have to buy a dress, do your hair, get your nails done, or be a puppet.