Bridezilla, weight loss sabotage? Or common sense.
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OP, she's your sister, so because of that I don't think you should abandon her and quit the bridesmaid party, especially since you're the only one left! However, just because she's your sister and you're agreeing to be her bridesmaid doesn't mean you should let her step all over you and treat you like a doormat.
This is what I would do if I were you. I would tell her all of this firmly:
-You'll still be her bridesmaid, but you're not going to take crap from her
-You are NOT going to sacrifice your health and fitness
-After buying the dress with your own money, YOU are going to keep the dress at YOUR place and do whatever size alterations YOU see fit. And if she doesn't like that, then SHE can pay for your dress and then if she insists on not getting the size altered, SHE can deal with you looking frumpy and weird at her wedding if your dress is too big by then. Basically, REFUSE to pay for the dress if she won't let you hold on to the dress yourself and alter the size later on.
-If she doesn't like those conditions, she's always free to "fire you" from being her bridesmaid.
I just love this except for the part about wearing it even if she looks frumpy and weird. It's not just the day with who knows how many people looking at you, but the pictures last a lifetime. If she wouldn't allow the dress to be altered, forget it, I'm out. But that's just me.
I also feel for the bride's fiancee; I hope she's not putting him through a similar hell. Not a good way to start off a marriage :frown:0 -
She's way out of line. Whatever motivations she has, it's not healthy for anyone at all. Not only will she be friendless after her wedding but she's going to end up with a maidless wedding (which I'm sure she'd agree is a detriment to the wedding). She can't see the wedding for the Bridesmaids and when she's done, she'll have neither.
I think the health that you should be worried about is hers, not yours (not that you should stop your fitness, it just seems one is far worse off than the other).0 -
OP, she's your sister, so because of that I don't think you should abandon her and quit the bridesmaid party, especially since you're the only one left! However, just because she's your sister and you're agreeing to be her bridesmaid doesn't mean you should let her step all over you and treat you like a doormat.
This is what I would do if I were you. I would tell her all of this firmly:
-You'll still be her bridesmaid, but you're not going to take crap from her
-You are NOT going to sacrifice your health and fitness
-After buying the dress with your own money, YOU are going to keep the dress at YOUR place and do whatever size alterations YOU see fit. And if she doesn't like that, then SHE can pay for your dress and then if she insists on not getting the size altered, SHE can deal with you looking frumpy and weird at her wedding if your dress is too big by then. Basically, REFUSE to pay for the dress if she won't let you hold on to the dress yourself and alter the size later on.
-If she doesn't like those conditions, she's always free to "fire you" from being her bridesmaid.
I just love this except for the part about wearing it even if she looks frumpy and weird. It's not just the day with who knows how many people looking at you, but the pictures last a lifetime. If she wouldn't allow the dress to be altered, forget it, I'm out. But that's just me.
I also feel for the bride's fiancee; I hope she's not putting him through a similar hell. Not a good way to start off a marriage :frown:
I hear ya, but that's just based on what I would do myself. If it were me, I would just deal with it and make the sacrifice because 1) she's my sister and she's blood, 2) it's her wedding day and not mine, and 3) she paid for the dress. I also said that though because the OP said that she didn't really care about how she looked, she cared more about her health and fitness. To me, the OP seemed more upset by the fact that she has to pay for a dress that will look horrible on her because it'll be too big.0 -
1. your HEALTH was at stake and you needed to loose weight - you have made great progress and are in the groove of doing it. From what you say you still need to loose more weight to remain healthy. This is your health, not something you can put on hold, you need to act and continue acting now.
2. Is your sister overweight? is her fear you will look better? or the attention from your weight loss will be on you not her? If this is the case thats her insecurity and you still cannot compromise your health or life choices for her wedding.
3. keep losing, hopefully you will get the dress back before the day to alter, for big occassions everyone needs alterations - smaller, bigger, shorter, hem down etc If she doesnt let you have the dress back, buy a dress you like that fits and is something your sis will like too, try on the oversized dress on the day - oops doesnt fit how did that happen?! bring out the dress you do like :0)
4. finally, your sister is being an unreasonable, selfish b, its not you, others have pulled out of the wedding already as they cant hack her right now.
5. I also like the advise of sitting her down over wine and putting your cards on the table
ps - orange shoes?
Good luck and keep foccussing on your health - its your life you only get one and dont put it on hold!0 -
I wonder, have you talked to her fiance? It's his wedding too, maybe she wouldn't act so selfish if he talked to her.0
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Tell your sister to get over herself. She isn't the first woman to get married and she won't be the last. Truth be told it probably won't be her first wedding. Family or not, a grown woman should not be allowed to act like a spoiled brat just because she is getting married. You do what YOU need to do. Personally I would tell her to kiss my *kitten*...0
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I have a solution......
Buy the dress in the size that fits today.
Keep up the exercise and diet.
On the day of the wedding, wear the dress, over a 'proper sized' dress, and padd it out with cushions, old car tires, whatever you need to really fill it.
At the end of the ceremony, strip off the dress and the cushions and hold your head up high.
She gets what she wants - fat bridesmaids
You get healthy and you get to play the ultimate Eff-You card at the end too
- This is how I would play it, but then I am not known for being shy and retiring.....0 -
I have a solution......
Buy the dress in the size that fits today.
Keep up the exercise and diet.
On the day of the wedding, wear the dress, over a 'proper sized' dress, and padd it out with cushions, old car tires, whatever you need to really fill it.
At the end of the ceremony, strip off the dress and the cushions and hold your head up high.
She gets what she wants - fat bridesmaids
You get healthy and you get to play the ultimate Eff-You card at the end too
- This is how I would play it, but then I am not known for being shy and retiring.....
BAHAHA !!
Win!!!!0 -
If you are paying for the dress yourself, just continue on with the weight loss. How would she even know if you didn't tell her? My sister is getting married and she can be immature and unreasonable, but I've chosen to just keep my mouth shut and focus on her. If the dress is hideous and expensive, can you and the other bridesmaid ask for a cheaper option in the same color? I wouldn't pay $500 for a dress and shoes that I wasn't going to wear again. You could tell your sister no, but she sounds like she may kick you out of the wedding or stop talking to you. It is tough when you are family!0
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Honestly it sounds a lot like she is being very unreasonable about it all, but I'm sure she's very stressed out at the moment, there could be lots of reasons for wanting to get things sorted out early and a lot of people have very specific ideas about their wedding in their head....including bridesmaid dresses that look horrible.
Definitely keep up with getting healthier, in the same way you shouldn't try and loose weight because someone tells you too you shouldn't stop because they say so either! Congratulations on your progress so far, it sounds amazing by the way
I think its very sad that friends would bail out on someones wedding because they don't like the dresses though, I think the best thing to do is probably sit down and have a friendly chat with her and let her know how unreasonable you all think she is being. Try and avoid being too angry and judgmental, she does sound like a bit of a b***h but its very possible she's just freaking out and doesn't realise.....sorry this has been so long!
I would bail simply on the price lol most people do not have that kind of money.0 -
Hey Guys and Girls,
I've spoken about this before but i guess i really have no idea what to do about this or what my options are, if i'm out of line or if my sister is. I guess i really feel like i've lost motivation because i'm being guilt tripped into stopping my fitness for my sister wedding.
As some of you know my sister is getting married and she asked me to be her bridesmaid. After many weeks of saying i wasn't really up for the role, she showed me the dresses we had to wear, said it will all be nice and easy, so i finally agreed to do it.
Before i had agree to this i was 215-220lbs overweight and was told if i didn't lose this i may risk not being able to have children as well as i was at risk for diabetes. So i started a nutritional science course and joined MFP. My sister found out i was losing weight and sent me a TxT saying i have to stop or the dress won't fit. This was 14months before the wedding.. before any dresses were purchased. She then went on to tell me the dresses were going to be purchased ASAP and i would have to stop. This telling me i have to stop went on for a few months but thanks to people telling me to keep going and ignore her...i'm around 160 still overweight, out of danger, glad i didn't stop. I really don't want to stop any time soon.
I'm now paying for the dress as my sister said it would be my way of helping her out. >.< So i asked if it would be okay, if i we're to continue my health and pay for the dress size to be altered closer to the date, which i would happily pay for, so i could continue my fitness as i don't want to hold off my health for another 9 months+. And she went off the handles asking me why i can't wait until after her wedding to lose the rest of the weight, telling me i'm stupid and it's a waste of time and money and i should just be happy that i get to be her bridesmaid.
Any who the dress she picked changed again. We are to buy them at the end of this month... Even though the wedding is 9-10months away. She chose the opposite of what she wanted and what the other bridesmaids were happy with. It's now short, grey high round neckline. One of the bridesmaids left, stating my sister was clearly trying to dress us to look like garbage and pay for a $250 dress we'd never wear again. + $100 for alteration considering we'd have it way before the wedding date.... if she'd even let us alter them.
The matron of honor sent me an email a week ago telling me she is about to take a holiday during the wedding as she doesn't want to see a friendship end over my sisters rudeness....Her name is Elly she is 46years old and is a little self conscious and agreed she'd be the matron as the dress that was picked was long and covered her legs and wasn't revealing.. The other bridesmaid agreed to liking the first dress as it suited her body type being very top heavy and was the reason she was okay with paying for it, but she didn't want to have to buy this new dress she'd never wear again.. So i had a chat to my sister over the phone updating her about how getting the others to like the new dress was going and i mentioned they we're okay but a little upset the length, colour, style, material changed and she didn't talk to them about it before she made the change and she went nuts! "Who says any of this has to be about them! IT'S MY WEDDING!" They can where what they want at THEIR stupid weddings. Tell them to suck it up.
We had another brides party meeting yesterday and my sister announced we have to have our hair cut short or tight in a bun. No light hair colours. The shoes have to be open pep toe stilettos, orange and we have to also buy them. Her reason for picking pep toe was.."The shoes have to be open pep toe because it's winter and they are the best option" The last bridesmaid is no longer apart of the brides party she sent us all an email last night explaining why she is no longer available..
I am now the only 1 in the bridesmaid party. The matron of honor is pretty keen on leaving. I really don't care if she dresses me up like a clown, i'm just concerned for her asking me to stop my fitness.. And i'm pretty annoyed i'm looking at paying $500+ for clothing i will NEVER wear again.
What do i do? I don't want to be apart of her mind games anymore, i really don't want to spend $500+ on wedding clothing i will never wear again. And i would at least like to be able to alter the dress..but i'm not allow to. I don't want to feel guilty that i'm getting my life back on track, i want to continue my fitness yet this is making me feel horrible. Have you got family members or loved ones trying to stop you from your goals? Any advice? I'm damned if i do i'm damned if i don't. =(
RUN
FAR
AWAY
FAST0 -
1. your HEALTH was at stake and you needed to loose weight - you have made great progress and are in the groove of doing it. From what you say you still need to loose more weight to remain healthy. This is your health, not something you can put on hold, you need to act and continue acting now.
2. Is your sister overweight? is her fear you will look better? or the attention from your weight loss will be on you not her? If this is the case thats her insecurity and you still cannot compromise your health or life choices for her wedding.
3. keep losing, hopefully you will get the dress back before the day to alter, for big occassions everyone needs alterations - smaller, bigger, shorter, hem down etc If she doesnt let you have the dress back, buy a dress you like that fits and is something your sis will like too, try on the oversized dress on the day - oops doesnt fit how did that happen?! bring out the dress you do like :0)
4. finally, your sister is being an unreasonable, selfish b, its not you, others have pulled out of the wedding already as they cant hack her right now.
5. I also like the advise of sitting her down over wine and putting your cards on the table
ps - orange shoes?
Good luck and keep foccussing on your health - its your life you only get one and dont put it on hold!
My sister use to be a model, she still looks like a barbie doll, thin as, tall, blonde and very attractive. She does however always make jokes about my breasts and how i won't have any when i reach my goal... which my mother thinks that's where the jealousy is coming from. High collar dress makes women with large busts look fat =/... And 1 of the bridesmaids myself and the matron of honor have have large busts to everything else ratio. When my mother asked why she picked a dress which didn't suit any of our body types, she busted out at my mother yelling " I don't want their tits hangin out!! It's my day!!!" Not that the first dress even showed much cleavage, we didn't even pick the dress...
This is why i've been so calm with her. I'm just telling myself she wants to look good on her day. It's hard to be supportive when she's trying to make you her B****.
I feel really sorry for my mother how ever. My sister earns 70grand a year, her fiancé earn 180grand per year. (He is paying child support for 3 kids to 2 of his ex wives though) And she's making my pensioner mother pay for her $3000 wedding dress. She said it was cool as now she can buy a $1000 cocktail dress for the reception, another set of shoes and have her make up touched up. Which i think is terrible but apparently it's what most brides do now...so idk.. Just hope my mother isn't roped into paying for the hens night also.0 -
Your sister is nuts and a control freak. Do NOT let her dictate to you. She can walk the damned aisle alone, or shut the hell up, her choice. I feel really sorry for the groom.
I paid $ 35.00 for my wedding dress, a white sheath dress off the sales rack, had the matron of honor's mom make her dress, my mother's neighbor made the cake, the church ladies put on a small reception at the church, no band, no DJ, no alchohol, no dancing, got it done and out of there in three hours, and are happily married 42 years later. It's bat-**** crazy to spend thousands of $$ on a one-day event.0 -
My sister use to be a model, she still looks like a barbie doll, thin as, tall, blonde and very attractive. She does however always make jokes about my breasts and how i won't have any when i reach my goal... which my mother thinks that's where the jealousy is coming from. High collar dress makes women with large busts look fat =/... And 1 of the bridesmaids myself and the matron of honor have have large busts to everything else ratio. When my mother asked why she picked a dress which didn't suit any of our body types, she busted out at my mother yelling " I don't want their tits hangin out!! It's my day!!!" Not that the first dress even showed much cleavage, we didn't even pick the dress...
This is why i've been so calm with her. I'm just telling myself she wants to look good on her day. It's hard to be supportive when she's trying to make you her B****.
I feel really sorry for my mother how ever. My sister earns 70grand a year, her fiancé earn 180grand per year. (He is paying child support for 3 kids to 2 of his ex wives though) And she's making my pensioner mother pay for her $3000 wedding dress. She said it was cool as now she can buy a $1000 cocktail dress for the reception, another set of shoes and have her make up touched up. Which i think is terrible but apparently it's what most brides do now...so idk.. Just hope my mother isn't roped into paying for the hens night also.
My random (and perhaps unrelated) thoughts...
I'm not sure I understand why you and your mom simply do not say, "No."
I know you want to support your sister, but I truly believe that by accommodating her unreasonable demands, she will continue to make unreasonable demands.
If your sister wants to spend a certain amount on her wedding, that's her choice. (Although it does seem she is planning a wedding beyond her means, IMO.) However, she can't reasonably expect you or your mom to spend extravagantly on dresses that you will wear once when you can't afford to do so....can she?
Speaking of dresses, if you are paying for your dress, it belongs to you. You can get it altered after your weight loss if you'd like, right? It's yours!
I think everyone can see that your sister is attempting to control things she has no right to control (your weight, for example). But why is she seemingly getting away with making everyone miserable? Does she have a superpower you are not telling us about?
I'm rooting for you. I hope you find a way to tell your sister that you love and support her, but your health and financial goals are not negotiable. :flowerforyou:0 -
Your sister has you all cowed; honestly it sounds as if you, and your mother, are terrified of her. She has apparently trained you well. She sounds like a classic, toxic, narcissist. Narcissists are quite good at training those around them to do their every whim, whether you like it or not.
I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here and ask you something: if this wasn't your sister, would you still be in the wedding? If it was a 'friend,' would you have bailed by now? I don't believe in the adage of "but its family," usually said in the same whiny tone as "but think of the children." Its bullsh!t. Family doesn't, or shouldn't, treat each other as your sister does you, nor should they be given special passes when they do *kitten* all over you, simply by way of shared DNA.
You and your mother should learn the power of the word 'no.' It needs no follow up, and no explanation. 'No' is a full sentence. Personally, I would love to see the expression on your sister's face if someone actually managed to break her thrall and say it to her. Who cares if she freaks out? This is part of how she learned to control you. She freaked out over something, you (or mom, or someone else) gave her what she wanted to stop the freakout, rinse, lather, repeat, lesson learned.
Why on earth would you stop doing something so important to you, losing weight for your health, simply because your toxic sister wants overweight bridesmaids? Its crazy talk, and you know it. Be firm, stand strong, and tell her to sit and spin. Otherwise, yes, I do think that you will be a doormat, and you know what we do with doormats...they're walked all over, as your sister is doing to you.
This may all sound harsh, but you either need to do something about it/her, or just go along with the flow, be miserable, and stop complaining about it. Having said all that, I do wish you the best. Toxic family is hard to deal with, and your sister is toxic.0 -
Do what YOU want. Your sister is never going to be happy regardless of what you do, so you may as well be happy yourself.0
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Do what YOU want. Your sister is never going to be happy regardless of what you do, so you may as well be happy yourself.
^ THIS ^
She is being the worst kind of Bridezilla.
The fact all the other bridesmaids have bailed because she is being so unreasonable (telling people the hair colour, that they have to stay the same weight for months!!) .
In your shoes I would call her and say "Hey, you have driven away your other bridesmaids with your horrid attitude, either you stop being so unreasonable or I am out too".
And then ignore/refuse to reply to all correspondence from her until she apologized! I have no doubt she will threaten you with ridiculous stuff like not talking to you (doesn't sound like such a bad thing, really) or uninviting you but if she has any brains by the time the wedding rolls around she will have apologized for that too.
Seriously - coming from a control freak - having this kind of wake up call is the one thing that works.0 -
Example, when i sat her down and told her i had been told i need to get to a healthy weight or i may not be able to have children she said "That's not my problem".
If I was in your situation, that comment right there would have been the final straw, and I would've up and walked out. I'm not planning kids myself, but for someone to say something so insensitive... just... AGH!
This is what it's coming down to - THE REST OF YOUR LIFE vs ONE DAY of your sister's life. It's a special day, sure, but you know what other days will be special? The day you hit your weight loss goal. The day you run the numbers, and can announce that you are HEALTHY! The day you announce that you're expecting. The day the newest little member of your family arrives.
Your sister will make do. She'll either suck it up and learn to be a bit flexible when she realises her whole bridal party has abandoned her, or she'll get last minute replacements and never be quite happy with how her photos turn out.0 -
Your sister has you all cowed; honestly it sounds as if you, and your mother, are terrified of her. She has apparently trained you well. She sounds like a classic, toxic, narcissist. Narcissists are quite good at training those around them to do their every whim, whether you like it or not.
I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here and ask you something: if this wasn't your sister, would you still be in the wedding? If it was a 'friend,' would you have bailed by now? I don't believe in the adage of "but its family," usually said in the same whiny tone as "but think of the children." Its bullsh!t. Family doesn't, or shouldn't, treat each other as your sister does you, nor should they be given special passes when they do *kitten* all over you, simply by way of shared DNA.
You and your mother should learn the power of the word 'no.' It needs no follow up, and no explanation. 'No' is a full sentence. Personally, I would love to see the expression on your sister's face if someone actually managed to break her thrall and say it to her. Who cares if she freaks out? This is part of how she learned to control you. She freaked out over something, you (or mom, or someone else) gave her what she wanted to stop the freakout, rinse, lather, repeat, lesson learned.
Why on earth would you stop doing something so important to you, losing weight for your health, simply because your toxic sister wants overweight bridesmaids? Its crazy talk, and you know it. Be firm, stand strong, and tell her to sit and spin. Otherwise, yes, I do think that you will be a doormat, and you know what we do with doormats...they're walked all over, as your sister is doing to you.
This may all sound harsh, but you either need to do something about it/her, or just go along with the flow, be miserable, and stop complaining about it. Having said all that, I do wish you the best. Toxic family is hard to deal with, and your sister is toxic.
????. YES. Time to stand up for yourself now.0 -
Do what YOU want. Your sister is never going to be happy regardless of what you do, so you may as well be happy yourself.
^^^^ When I got married I spent $200 on a wedding dress (admitted: 16 years ago) that I altered myself (and I am really bad at sewing) and I asked my two sisters that were matron and maid of honor to find dresses in the same color that they both liked. I didn't care about their shoes, their earrings, their hair color, their stockings, their weight, the whiteness of their teeth...I just wanted them to be there with me. I told them the wedding colors, but honestly they could have showed up in flip-flops and Hawaiian shirts decorated with girls in hula skirts wearing coconut bras and I would not have cared a whit! I don't get this kind of behavior at all.0
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