Please can I have some relationship advice
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I agree with the counseling suggestion. Is he depressed? Does he smoke too much weed? Have you guys talked about why you aren't having sex? Have you sat down and asked him to do more around the house? You have to communicate! Make an arrangement that if you cook, he does the dishes, or he's responsible for dinner twice a week. You clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. It may take some "nagging" but nagging is much better than resentment.0
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Sounds like he's depressed. Something is not right with him. I was in a relationship where sex was non-existant with the stupid ex gf always claiming she was tired. However, she worked at most 10hour shifts and I worked 9, plus school, plus gym, plus music and still made **** work. Some people just have no drive whatsoever and it's often best to let them be.
Goo ahead and continue about your own business until the light bulb turns on, if ever. If not, I'm sorry to say but you should probably end the marriage.
NO SEX IS NO LIFE WORTH LIVING :drinker:0 -
I agree with the counseling suggestion. Is he depressed? Does he smoke too much weed? Have you guys talked about why you aren't having sex? Have you sat down and asked him to do more around the house? You have to communicate! Make an arrangement that if you cook, he does the dishes, or he's responsible for dinner twice a week. You clean the kitchen and he cleans the bathroom. It may take some "nagging" but nagging is much better than resentment.
Surely you mean leave without another thought?! How dare you be reasonable?!0 -
No sex? Well then, dear. You are his mother. You are in a boyfriend/girlfriend/engagement. There are certain things that define this. Are you looking for a friend? Or a lover? Relationships shouldn't be hard, if it doesn't feel right then it isn't. That was the best advice my father ever gave to me. Right before I went down the aisle I whispered "I can't believe I'm doing this." and he said "Does it feel right?" and I said "Oh, yes!" and he said "Then it is right." He would know after 2 failed marriages and the last one very abusive on his children. He said when he married my step mom it felt all wrong.
My relationship with my husband is much like yours. He doesn't do any of the calling or bill paying. In the beginning we were both working and I was doing all of the cleaning on my own. He would tag along for laundry and groceries but he would whine most of the time and drag his feet on the way there. Now I don't have a job and I'm happy to be doing all of these things. Also we don't have children yet. We want them but we are waiting for a house. We have been together 5 years, married for 2 of them. Sex is important to us, it is a way for us to connect and when I'm feeling insecure it's very important. If you're not having it then there is a problem connecting. And also communication is important. If he is unwilling to communicate it isn't going to work! My husband, although he works my nerves some times, has things that he does that are important to me. He carries in ALL the groceries BY HIMSELF when he's home. (Most days I go in the morning when he's working so he isn't there when I get home with them.) He reaches things that are too high for me to reach. When it rains he goes into the house to fetch the umbrella and bring it back out for me to use on the way in the house (it's silly but he insists.) He kisses me all over the face when he goes into work. He carries the laundry basket up the stairs for me. He feeds the cats every morning. He always finds my phone at the end of the day and plugs it in for me so it's charged the next day. Anything that breaks he fixes it (but I have to nag, but he told me I'd have to nag him in the beginning.) And he listens to me whine, which I do ALL THE TIME. All of these things are important to me and they show me he's in this relationship too.
No sex? Or nearly no sex? No communication? No nothing? That's not a relationship, and if you are unhappy it needs to change.0 -
Sounds like he's depressed. Something is not right with him. I was in a relationship where sex was non-existant with the stupid ex gf always claiming she was tired. However, she worked at most 10hour shifts and I worked 9, plus school, plus gym, plus music and still made **** work. Some people just have no drive whatsoever and it's often best to let them be.
Goo ahead and continue about your own business until the light bulb turns on, if ever. If not, I'm sorry to say but you should probably end the marriage.
NO SEX IS NO LIFE WORTH LIVING :drinker:
AMEN! :happy:0 -
I was in that relationship. We got divorced after 12 years. We are still good friends, and get along better than we ever did when we were married. But, I was the parent and he was the child, and it wasn't ever going to work out. If you have reservations about marrying him, please listen to them before you get married and have kids.0
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I had a relationship like that. I had a major surgery going into our 8th year and while I was under doctors orders to rest and do basically nothing for a month he would not do anything at all. Really? Lucky for me my BF came and took me home with her so I would not have to deal with his childish behavior and get the rest I so desperately needed. Well, tried too at least. He called at least 10 times a day to tell me to come home and take care of him. Sheesh, I could not even take care of myself at that point.
I wanted counseling, he did not. I left. End of story. Plus I found out he was cheating also.
Try counseling first.
Sad to say that if he is like this now he pry will stay the same or get worse.0 -
good advice here, but to me it sounds like while you may love him, you are not in love with him. relationships take work and being easy going does not excuse you from putting in your fair share.
Very true. It's very possible to love people without that love being the kind to get married over. Think of other relationships where love can exist, such as with family members. I love my brother, and I would take care of him if he was sick or homeless. But I would NEVER even THINK of marrying a woman who had the same personality and habits as he does.
Counseling is also a good idea, especially premarital counseling because, when it's focused on the marriage aspect, the counselor may bring up issues that haven't come to your mind.
Without getting too personal, when it comes to your sex life- did you have one, before? Changing from an active one to a nonexistent one would likely indicate something different than one that has always been nonexistent.0 -
I have a SUPER laid back husband who sounds pretty similar to your fiance. We got married in August after nearly 9 years together.
I work longer hours than him and still take care of all the housework, finances and errands. This used to really piss me off, especially when he would sit around and play video games while I dragged the garbage out to the street.
The most important thing is to communicate about this effectively. If you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him (or at least want to try) you need to be able to find a way to make him listen. I don't know about your partner, but mine does not react well to ultimatums or guilt trips. After years of trying those tactics and failing, I finally realized that I just needed to tell him nicely how I was feeling.
I know it sounds simple, but after years of eye-rolling, passive aggression, and even flat out screaming this was my last option... and honestly, it was f*cking difficult to be nice about it.
I told him that I am overwhelmed, resentful and offended by his lack of help around our home and in turn too emotionally drained at the end of the day to truly desire to be intimate. I smiled and asked for his help in making a system that will help me and still be in his comfort zone.
Two words: "Baby Steps"
We're starting off slowly, grocery shopping together (amazing how much this takes the annoyance out of shopping), he makes dinner on Mondays, helps with the dishes at least 2 nights a week, takes out the recyclables, and makes sure that ALL of his dirty clothes end up in the hamper (they used to be all over the house!). I still take care of all of our finances, our pets, and all the other housework, but we both feel better about the effort he is making! Sometimes people just need some guidance, especially when their mother used to take care of everything for them....
I bet your partner doesn't want to feel/be seen as lazy. Sit down with some wine or tea (or whatever) and create a weekly system that works for you guys. After that is done, take control, bring him into the bedroom and reward him for his good behavior.
I still have to remind my husband each Monday that it's his night to cook, and I often have to tell him to take out the recyclables, but now that he knows those things are "his jobs" he is happy to help. Plus, he knows there is a much better chance to get some action if he does a good job!
Any good relationship can become great through communication and persistence. If you love him it is worth working for and if he loves you he will be happy to help!0 -
having not read all the post my advice is-
do not marry the man you can live with, marry the man you CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT!
will make a world of difference in the rest of your life.
i am on year 33 with 3 grown kids and several grand kids.0 -
Stop acting like his mom then. Thats on you.
The sex issue is huge and needs to be addressed prior to marriage. A ring won't solve it.
This!!0 -
So should I appreciate him for what he DOES bring to our relationship
What DOES he bring to your relationship exactly?
Not being abusive does not count!0 -
Oy...and you want to marry this? What kind of expectations and self respect do you have for yourself? You can only control YOU, trying to change or control someone else's actions or thoughts doesn't work... you shouldn't have to nag your significant other to contribute to your relationship in all areas(sex included)...I've been here, 6 years, 1 child and one expensive separation later (we didn't even marry thank Christ!) I can tell you how it worked out for me.... Raising a child all by my lonesome...Did I love him? Absolutely.. but I love myself more! Good luck!0
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In your first post you told us that your sex life is non-existent and that you're feeling more like his mother than his fiancé.
In the second post you told us that your partner has lost his mother at a relatively young age and that he doesn't want to talk about it to you or anyone.
Put those things together, and tada... He's seeing you more like his mother, who wasn't there for him anymore at times when he needed her. You're there for him when he needs you and anything he asks or needs, you just do it without asking any questions.
I'm not married nor am I a mother so I can't totally be sure about the above, but what I am sure of is that you guys either need to communicate or split up.0 -
Also, what are some things that you love about your man?0
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I am in the exact same situation. STORY OF MY LIFE.
Like you I keep trying to remind myself of the positives like the fact that he has a great sense of humor. But I don't think it's fair for me (or you) to pick up all of the burden of a real relationship.
I have not had sex with my boyfriend in two years. We are both in our twenties. It has gotten to the point where I feel disgusting and unwanted. I do not think this is how a romantic relationship should be. I feel that we are roommates at this point.
It sounds like you have some of the same issues going on.
People are going to respond to your post and make it sound very easy to just walk away. They will also tell you that you are obviously not in love if you are not having sex all the time. But as I personally know....it's not that black and white.
My only advice would be to not get married. Sit him down and tell him that you have your reservations about getting married because of his laziness.
Also - I would recommend just getting out more and telling him to take care of more things around the house. At this point I will tell my boyfriend to make his own dinner or put away the dishes and just literally walk out of the house and go do something else for myself. Getting out more and meeting up with my friends takes my mind off of things at home.0 -
Simply put, do u feel u could live without him? If so, it's not love & you shouldn't marry him... Marriage is tough enough without being completely, truly, head over heels in love... When I met my husband we were both so love struck we couldn't see straight... but things have been tough over the last 10 years... We've gone thru hell & back together & also have had our happiest moments together... I'm not gonna lie, we both have personal issues & we both can be total jerks but we stay together because we love each other & are determined to make our marriage work... but I think if we both weren't completely in love it would have never worked... We would have called it quits long ago...0
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I would suggest couple's counseling and premarital counseling for starters. Relationships are partnerships and he isn't currently upholding his end. So far you have been enabling him and you need to take steps to rectify this. It sounds like you are going to be the leader of your family, so get comfortable with the idea. Most people expect men to be the leader, but you are the stronger one.
For the sex issue, it is time for him (or both of you) to maybe talk to a doctor to see if there is a physical element to the lack of sexual interaction. Perhaps it is hormonal? Or, heaven forbid, something more serious. Barring a physical reason, talk to a sex counselor.
^^^Agree!
I want to add that I don't know what type of job he has, but sometimes, especially if we are unhappy at the job we have, it can totally drain you physically and emotionally.0 -
What you described sounds like you are miserable in this relationship. It's over before the marriage can begin. Don't torment yourself and try to get married. It's not going to get better once you are married. You already sound like how my marriage was before I divorced. If you want happiness in your life and a partnership that is more equal then you need to not be in this one because it's not giving you what you want and need in it.0
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& as far as the no sex, that tells me u 2 are not fully in love... If u were, the sex would be often & AMAZING!0
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& as far as the no sex, that tells me u 2 are not fully in love... If u were, the sex would be often & AMAZING!
love does not automatically equate good sex just as sex does not automatically equate love. don't confuse the two.0 -
I agree with you, people don't change!0
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The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.
I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.
This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.
He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.
The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?0 -
If there's one thing my father was right about it is that you aren't going to change somebody just by marrying them. The only way somebody changes is if they want to. If your BF is changing into a layabout then it's what he wants to do for whatever reason. If he doesn't want to do what you want him to do no amount of anything is going to make him change.
Once you are married it's going to get even more complicated. If you think you want out now then the time to do it is now. If you think counseling will help then go for that. But do what you need to do for yourself because nobody else is going to do it for you.0 -
Men aren't likely to change, especially after you've committed to them in marriage. If you can't deal with it forever, it's time to split.0
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Is it possible that he has undiagnosed Asperger's? A lot of what you are describing sounds like me, only more severe, particularly wanting to avoid the phone at any cost and the lack of sex. People with Asperger's tend to hate the phone (social situations are difficult enough to navigate when you have body language to read; when you only have voice, it's almost impossible) and have a much smaller need for physical intimacy. It doesn't reflect on his love for you, in that case; physical intimacy just isn't as important. It might be worth looking into. I've gotten a lot better since I got diagnosed a few years ago since I now understand why I think the way I do and can work on compensating for it.0
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The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.
I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.
This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.
He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.
The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?
Hey, wanna know some symptoms to low testosterone in men? Lack of sex drive, depression, lethargy, and embarrassment.0 -
The sex thing. We have sex about once a month on average. It never used to be like that, we had a good sex life. He's very affectionate however; we kiss and cuddle a lot.
I completely forgot to add however, that he had a blood test about 6 months ago and was told he had low testosterone. He was booked another appointment but didn't go back. He said he was embarrassed.
This must have something to do with the sex issue, and maybe other things? He doesn't get excited or even angry about anything either. It's like he has very little emotion.
He never used to be like this, which is why I think something is obviously wrong. But what do you do when someone won't talk to you? I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I like the idea of trying counselling.
The lady who said I should just talk to him made a good point too. Every time we've spoken its gone to a row, and he refuses to argue with me so the conversation just ends. Maybe I should try just having a calm conversation! Or maybe showing him third thread? Or is that a terrible idea?
You might want to do your research on low testosterone. There are a LOT of other side effects besides low sex drive. High blood pressure, depression, trouble sleeping and overall feeling tired are some of those side effects. Tell him you are worried about his overall health. There is absolutely NOTHING for him to be embarrassed about. He will be amazed at how much better he feels once he starts testosterone replacement.0 -
It sure isn't going to get better. You have to put your foot down and not cave in when he moans. Are there any tasks he is good at? DIY, Gardening, hoovering, washing up. Put him in charge of specific tasks or insist that he cooks on alternate days. Or get used to living in a pigsty and don't do anything either.0
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