Please can I have some relationship advice

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Replies

  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    Typical woman reply.
  • Wenchiness
    Wenchiness Posts: 126 Member
    If you are already unhappy, marriage will not fix the issue. Sounds like you are comfortable roommates rather than partners. Get counseling or flat out tell him, you are not his mommy. Tell HIM of your concerns rather than asking strangers for advice. If he can't change, you need to find your happiness elsewhere. Starting over is hard, especially when you care for another person, but if you don't have similar goals, you're doomed. His goals are being met, somebody takes care of him and the adult responsibilities. You've already stated your goals are not being met. Either fix him, or set him out to pasture and move on.
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
    Run now.

    YES!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    Typical woman reply.

    :laugh: :flowerforyou:
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I just don't understand why everyone always turns issues into a gender issue. Gender issues will always exist as long as everyone thinks that all victim-hood stems from a gender. It's not us against them...males against females. We are all human and all allies (the empathically able among us). I'm not trying to single anyone out here, I see it all the time in a lot of threads (I guess I am realizing this must be a pet peeve of mine).

    I think in this case people (mainly women) are being more harsh and less sympathetic because he's male, like men aren't allowed to get depressed.

    Maybe I just haven't been reading the replies. But, I do think if it was a man saying a women wasn't having sex with him we'd be seeing a lot of break up with her posts, and get out now while you still can, and women never want to have sex, and marriage kills sex, and marriage is a death sentence for men and sex, and women trap men then refuse sex (all untrue things), and other such things. And then someone would probably say "what if the genders were reversed". I think both men and women have found themselves in sexless relationships and that's where it is coming from.

    But, I do think sometimes men identify with men and women identify with women, and that can be reflected in different responses that are gender heavy in one direction, but then also happens in the reverse situation.

    Or maybe I'm just in a grumpy mood (because I kind of am, unrelated to this).
  • iamihobo
    iamihobo Posts: 232 Member
    Don't do it.
    End of story. If you're unhappy now, you'll be unhappy later.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    So let says a MAN comes here and asks if he should leave wife because she's become depressed? She's lazy and won't have sex, but it wasn't always like that. What would the response be then?

    @busylady406 Brilliant. I agree with every concept you've posted on this thread.


    Also, to everyone saying that people can't change, that it will always be the way it is now and she should "RUN":

    Have you never changed or experienced emotional, intellectual, or spiritual growth in your life?
    If you have, why can't someone else???

    If you haven't, wake the *kitten* up and take action to become a better person.

    I think ladies, the trouble with this thread is that people are just reading the OP and no further.
    It's not a requirement to read the whole thread to answer, just the OP....and, it's not a requirement for you to answer every poster in your thread.
  • FixIngMe13
    FixIngMe13 Posts: 405 Member
    First... I wish you the very best of luck, in whatever decision you make.

    Personally, he'd be gone. ((I did say personally))

    If you are unhappy in the least now, this is only going to make you miserable later.


    On that note, I'm glad I'm single.
  • ashleemayy
    ashleemayy Posts: 5
    you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. this may help with overcoming your obstacles in the relationship. before you go to couples counseling just talk!!!
  • KiwiJewels
    KiwiJewels Posts: 36 Member
    There are a lot of posts, and I don't have time to read them all, but hopefully you are getting an unbiased view overall :-) My two cents worth (hopefully not repeating anyone else) is to try and make the relationship work, but perhaps try and put some distance between you? You say that you have tried going on strike and end up giving in. Is there somewhere else you can stay so he is left to his own devices, but you aren't impacted? Tell him you want to take a step back and start at the beginning again. Recapture what things were like back when you first started dating. He is clearly taking you for granted and this needs to stop!

    I lived with bone lazy for a brief period of time and it did my head in - never again! The anger and resentment you feel pretty much all the time, especially knowing they will never change, is not good to live with day in and day out! Long term stress can make you really sick! Obviously your love language is acts of service - but I'm having trouble working out what his is! Think about what it might be. Is he trying to show you he loves you in a way you are just not recognising?

    Regardless, it would be really hard to feel loved and valued in your current situation, and you deserve better then that. Nagging is stressful for everyone, and would probably just make him dig his toes in more. Perhaps it's some sort of power struggle? Commication is key, but not everyone can do it. It can be learnt, however, so that doesn't let him off the hook. If you've told him what you need, and he's not even attempting to meet any of them or even be willing to compromise, then maybe he's just not that into you!

    Either that or he is comfortable that there aren't going to be any long term repercussions or consequences, so why should he try? Personally, I think he needs a good scare, and you refusing to give in on something that is important to you should give him the kick up the butt he clearly needs. Marriage is supposed to be forever, and "better than what I had before" isn't necessarily good enough!

    Good luck and hang in there! Let us know how it goes :-)
  • datingguru
    datingguru Posts: 1
    Why do we always get those posts and comments that say dump him, move on, dont make the mistake? The mistake could be washing away the last 6 yrs because you have allowed him to become self centred. Sorry but you have boys/men will for the most always allow thier Mum to pick up behind them and run after them. If you have let him get here you need to get him re trained and you need to get a good book on it or try the site dating secrets for success and get him trained to be what he started off as the guy you feel in love with the guy you have saved with to pay for that wedding, behind every good man is a good woman yes but only because she made him a good man.

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